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RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/6/2013 2:37:55 PM   
slavekate80


Posts: 362
Joined: 7/4/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP


quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80
because for me to take that active a role in planning out our sexual activities spoils it. I'm not satisfied unless I know I've satisfied him, so him doing something just because I want it traps me in a catch-22.


Except by not telling him what he wants to know, you are controlling him. You are refusing to accept pleasure when he feels like spoiling you. You are demanding he can read your mind.

In many ways, by refusing to be open and honest, you are the dominant and demanding he service top you.

Telling him what you like doesn't mean he's going to feel coerced or obligated to do it today, tomorrow or next week. He might, but when he does it will be at a time of his choosing. I can beg The Man, I can promise him things, I can threaten and demand. But none of that will change his mind unless he wants to.

If what he enjoys is seeing you happy, then you're deliberately preventing that by not talking to him. And he's allowed to go around thumping his chest at how happy he makes his woman.

Now if you want an emotional sadist who doesn't ever let you be happy, that's fine too. Just be clear about what you're looking for.


That has occurred to me as well, and it's something I struggle with. I think the ideal would be someone who does what he wants for himself, and if I'm happy with it, great, and if not, tough - either way he's not bothered. I've been managing okay lately by being honest early on about what I need and what I can offer.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/6/2013 3:03:49 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80
I think the ideal would be someone who does what he wants for himself, and if I'm happy with it, great, and if not, tough - either way he's not bothered.

It is just me? Honestly, I can see about 10 trillion ways that could go tragically wrong.

Of course, change it just a bit and I'm on board. I make decisions according to what I think WE need. I'm not particularly concerned whether either one of us like the decision. Now, given that I have a loving relationship it still bothers me if Carol's distressed. It just doesn't stop me.

Out of curiosity, you want someone who doesn't give a rat's ass what pleases you. So then if he decided some extra income to feed his video game habit was needful and whored you out that's OK? Yeah, I know it sounds extreme but at least the way I use the word "total" it IS extreme. Nothing can be more extreme than an absolute. I'm not being a pill here I'm trying to get a sense of scope. On a BDSM board it's all too easy for the word "total" to mean "anything kinky" rather than "all of life".


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 5:28:30 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		I used to think that men liked 'good girls'. Even as I was getting into BDSM and doing all manner of crazy things, I still held on to the pretence that I did them because they wanted me to, rather than admitting that I actually liked and wanted to do them. I remember I would laugh and say 'you're crazy!' when my Dom would ask me to do something unusual, even though inside I was thinking 'this is so hot! Dear God I hope he asks me to do this again...'

About two months after I started a serious relationship with a Dom, I had a complete epiphany. I realised that, with him, I could be as dirty, uninhibited, wild, shocking, unshockable, filthy as I like *and he would love it*. I realised how I had limited myself my whole life with this idea that there were things that were acceptable or unacceptable in society, that I had internalised the idea that these were men's expectations of me, and how I had constrained my own self to conform to these expectations. That day was like the complete realisation that I was utterly wrong, how much men admired sexual, uninhibited girls, how I could lead sexually, instead of merely following. I remember trying, and failing to shock him and after one particularly imaginative suggestion he said "That is the dirtiest, filthiest, most unbelievable thing anybody has ever said to me... I love it." It was like kicking down the fence and running for the hills for the first time, and I've never quite been able to put myself back in the box.

So anyway, this leads me on to 2 thoughts regarding the question. The first is that statistics show that women married after 25 have a much smaller risk of divorce than women married under 25. When you're young, you're still learning about yourself and gaining in confidence sexually. It's no wonder that people who marry young so often grow in different directions or learn things about themselves that ultimately lead to the break up of the marriage. It's so often the case that BDSMers in vanilla marriages were quite young when they got married. Because I am now rapidly heading towards 40, and because I know myself, and to myself am true, it never worries me what sexual partners and lovers will think of me.

Secondly, it's been my experience that most men favour a combination of what Usher described so well - a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. I'm still utterly conventional to look at or talk to in the vanilla world - not by intention but just because that's how I come across. But I have yet to meet a man who considered me too wild in bed. Men, I think, are more unshockable than many women think. I keep a journal that is, at times, completely filthy, and I often wonder just how far out it is. Yes, I do receive emails from very wanky men, but much more often I receive very cerebral emails saying that it is wonderful, courageous, heartfelt, moving, genius, brilliant, and how they 'wish they could find a woman like me'. The really sad thing is - there are women like me everywhere, who think these thoughts all the time but never admit them. I think, if women could admit what they really wanted, they would find that men liked it a lot more than they thought.


(in reply to theshytype)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 5:54:34 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		When I got to church with my mom she just about has a coronary if I wear something that shows any cleavage at all. Well, I have cleavage in a turtle neck practically.
I used to do the respect thing, worrying about this and that. This dress that dress, this shirt, that shirt. I still do have respect but this is me, and I come as I am. I finally just said " I think you all are worrying about the wrong things here, let people be who they are. Appearances are deceiving. Ya all don't even make people feel welcome cause its all about what they look like. Isnt this about a persons inside?

I say BE YOURSELF BE YOURSELF BE YOURSELF. Take a stand to be yourself and you will receive due respect in due time.
Look at those rednecks, Duck Dynasty, they profit from their different!

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 6:09:53 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype
I still have this belief, perhaps a bit old-fashioned, that some men have a difficult time respecting a woman that is "slutty", not relationship material, and therefore have a difficult time believing that men into BDSM are any different.

It's not a hangup of mine, as I've had a relationship with an adult model, and sought her ought in part because I had a "fetish" of "everyone gets to look and fap, but only I get to touch."

However!!! I've been turned down by WOMEN because I've dated in that category. I stopped talking about my romantic past after a lady told me how insecure she felt that I had dated a professional model. At this point, when a lady asks me how many women I've been with, or wants other details, I say something like, "Would you rather I be a skilled lover or an unskilled lover? Well, being skilled at anything takes practice." Shrug of shoulders, change of topic. It's like the old song: how'd you learn to kiss like this?

Maybe think of it that way? Not many men over the age of 40 want a virgin -- unless they are douchebags, or terrible in bed, ha. They want a woman who knows her way around a penis.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to theshytype)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 11:01:36 AM   
slavekate80


Posts: 362
Joined: 7/4/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Out of curiosity, you want someone who doesn't give a rat's ass what pleases you. So then if he decided some extra income to feed his video game habit was needful and whored you out that's OK? Yeah, I know it sounds extreme but at least the way I use the word "total" it IS extreme. Nothing can be more extreme than an absolute. I'm not being a pill here I'm trying to get a sense of scope. On a BDSM board it's all too easy for the word "total" to mean "anything kinky" rather than "all of life".



Depends on the relationship. I wouldn't give that much power to someone I didn't trust enough to keep me reasonably safe, so it's a no-go in the early stages. But if we'd reached that point of trust, so that I knew there were measures taken to reduce STI risk and I wouldn't be left alone with someone dangerous? I'm fine with that. Being (fairly) safe doing something is separate from being happy about it. Then again, I don't consider sex for money to be fundamentally different from cleaning houses or running errands or (insert other personal task here) for money. Every job has its own physical risks and legality issues.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 11:06:53 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80
Depends on the relationship. I wouldn't give that much power to someone I didn't trust enough to keep me reasonably safe, so it's a no-go in the early stages.

To be clear, it is not my intent to argue you out of your own beliefs. I've got better things to do with my time :)

But I am curious about subs who say this. These are the ones I back away from slowly. So I'm trying to understand why on earth you would ever trust someone who doesn't care about you, your needs, your wants, your desires, anything. I would "trust" such a person. I'd trust them to hurt me badly.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 12:31:35 PM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I used to think that men liked 'good girls'. Even as I was getting into BDSM and doing all manner of crazy things, I still held on to the pretence that I did them because they wanted me to, rather than admitting that I actually liked and wanted to do them. I remember I would laugh and say 'you're crazy!' when my Dom would ask me to do something unusual, even though inside I was thinking 'this is so hot! Dear God I hope he asks me to do this again...'


The part I've bolded sounds like me. I have, in fact, repeated those exact words in my head several times.


quote:


So anyway, this leads me on to 2 thoughts regarding the question. The first is that statistics show that women married after 25 have a much smaller risk of divorce than women married under 25. When you're young, you're still learning about yourself and gaining in confidence sexually. It's no wonder that people who marry young so often grow in different directions or learn things about themselves that ultimately lead to the break up of the marriage. It's so often the case that BDSMers in vanilla marriages were quite young when they got married. Because I am now rapidly heading towards 40, and because I know myself, and to myself am true, it never worries me what sexual partners and lovers will think of me.


I married young. While I agree people often grow, sometimes in an opposite direction as their spouse, it is possible to grow together.
I can't help but wonder if, because I'm married, I was able to learn more about myself. That, without the marriage, I wouldn't have had the comfort level to explore.

Knowing myself, if I were single today and intimate with someone, I'd most likely be saying "Dear God I hope he asks me to do this again" in my head yet again.



quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
I say BE YOURSELF BE YOURSELF BE YOURSELF. Take a stand to be yourself and you will receive due respect in due time.
Look at those rednecks, Duck Dynasty, they profit from their different!


I agree. My new favorite saying: "Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn."



quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
I've been turned down by WOMEN because I've dated in that category. I stopped talking about my romantic past after a lady told me how insecure she felt that I had dated a professional model. At this point, when a lady asks me how many women I've been with, or wants other details, I say something like, "Would you rather I be a skilled lover or an unskilled lover? Well, being skilled at anything takes practice." Shrug of shoulders, change of topic. It's like the old song: how'd you learn to kiss like this?


I KNOW that would make some women insecure. For me though, not so much. I have the belief, more like a hope, that people trade up, not down, and would actually serve as a compliment towards me.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 2:46:53 PM   
TigressLily


Posts: 436
Status: offline 		tst, unfortunately, it would appear the majority of people on this planet are preoccupied with the persona they project to others. It's hard to find authentic persons in any walk of life, whether it be vanilla or BDSM to varying degrees. Many of us have to balance our vanilla selves in the public arena and can only allow our kinky selves to emerge in private. Inner persona within outer persona.

I once heard a trusted screenwriter-friend of mine pose this rhetorical question: "Isn't that what women are for? A safe place to fall--like a soft pillow?" Short of fighting the impulse to smack him in the face, I later reflected upon his words. Isn't that what we all want and need--a soft place to fall? If you find yourself in a marriage where neither partner can reveal her/his authentic self, then you don't have a soft place to fall in the very place where you need it to be. And that's a pretty dismal state to find yourself living in, not to mention having to partition yourself off from someone who should be the most significant person in your life, and you theirs. There are many reasons for ending up in a miserable marriage, but shame shouldn't be one of them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

... hesitation to divulge ones own desires.  Now, I see many reasons behind it.  Be it vanity, insecurity, trust, internal struggles with portraying a person you were raised to be as opposed to the person you really are...

The fear of letting it be known, perhaps getting out, just how dirty and "unrespectable" I can be....

Or, for whatever reason, would you never consider a long-term, serious relationship with someone you play with?  If not, why?
(In other words, "Their kinks and fetishes are fine during playtime but would never consider a serious relationship because of it")



In the course of several years, when my late husband and I progressed from just having kinky sex to the pivotal moment when he finally consented to be my submissive, we both agreed that we would not let ourselves feel ashamed for whatever we did together out of love, that there was no shame in how we chose to be consensually intimate, because it stemmed from the tangible expression of our deep, abiding love for one another, between the two of us.

I can honestly say there was nothing he ever asked me to do, or that we did with one another during sex that we felt then or afterwards was wrong or shameful from that moment onward.

It is my heartfelt hope and wish for you, my dear, that one day you will be able to unfleetingly experience the kind of transcendent bliss that we shared during those years.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to theshytype)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 8:24:35 PM   
Mistressnpet8173


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/22/2013
Status: offline 		I understand, I have just recently"discovered" that I am a Domme. I have had many thoughts floating about in my head... questions that I don't quite know how to put into words. I have been confused and I've had tears shed not understanding myself and how to fit into what I thought I was. Until a year ago, I was a practicing mormon, now I just bought my first bondage kit, and strap on, and I've been training my bf with a whip and riding crop. It's hard to accept what we are first for ourselves sometimes, let alone reaching out to the world to find more ppl like ourselves.

(in reply to theshytype)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/7/2013 9:13:49 PM   
slavekate80


Posts: 362
Joined: 7/4/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80
Depends on the relationship. I wouldn't give that much power to someone I didn't trust enough to keep me reasonably safe, so it's a no-go in the early stages.

To be clear, it is not my intent to argue you out of your own beliefs. I've got better things to do with my time :)

But I am curious about subs who say this. These are the ones I back away from slowly. So I'm trying to understand why on earth you would ever trust someone who doesn't care about you, your needs, your wants, your desires, anything. I would "trust" such a person. I'd trust them to hurt me badly.


I can't speak for anyone else, but I take it as a compliment when someone doesn't bother trying to cater to my wishes, because he knows I'm strong enough to handle it. That as long as I have basic physical needs (food, shelter, freedom from big dangers, etc.) met, I'll be fine. And I'd rather do something I don't otherwise want to do than get out of it knowing that he wants me to do it, and have to live with the guilt.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/8/2013 9:31:56 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Why would there be guilt?

More importantly why is it a now or never?

There have been things I couldn't handle. His response is to move on to other stuff he wants to do which we'll both enjoy (or at least there won't be any hate involved). And then he gives me time to figure out why I had such a bad response. Usually we'll discuss it in a couple of months time when I've begun to puzzle out what some of the problems were. Some things he'll have to revisit several times over a space of years before we deconstruct the problem totally. So what?

There's no guilt. It's like being told they're out of prime rib so you order a strip steak instead. They're all good.

But having me gritting my teeth, hoping I can make it till he decides to end play, doesn't produce the kind of positive energy that he wants. Nor does it produce multiple orgasms, which he also wants out of me.

When you talk about it in terms of you handling anything, it sounds like a control thing for you. You stay in control no matter what he does. Even if what he wants is you not to handle it but to break down and be vulnerable instead of strong.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 9/8/2013 9:33:44 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/8/2013 12:26:27 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80
I can't speak for anyone else, but I take it as a compliment when someone doesn't bother trying to cater to my wishes, because he knows I'm strong enough to handle it. That as long as I have basic physical needs (food, shelter, freedom from big dangers, etc.) met, I'll be fine. And I'd rather do something I don't otherwise want to do than get out of it knowing that he wants me to do it, and have to live with the guilt.

This makes a lot more sense. You DO want him to care. You just don't want him to be a pushover. In point of fact, I'd be willing to bet you've got a laundry list o' stuff under that "big dangers" category along with the "knowledge that you can handle it".... all of which constitutes "caring".

Sometimes in these discussions what goes wrong with me is that I have a very literal mind and a very active imagination. So when someone says, "I want him to do whatever he wants and disregard my wishes" my brain goes to some pretty far lengths. You've greatly bounded the statement with your above clarification and that drags it back into some semblance of reality and non-crazy for me.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/9/2013 7:22:29 AM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		Ethical partners with their heads on straight remain in short supply on both sides of the kink/vanilla aisle.

Keep on being selective. Maybe one guy in 100 gets that you being a slut toy is a great thing and you deserve a medal for it. The other 99 are just scenery passing by.

(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/9/2013 7:40:49 AM   
MizzSpitfire


Posts: 70
Joined: 2/16/2012
Status: offline 		I decided a long time ago that hiding my desires and needs was completely opposed to my finding happiness. I had been "out" to my (then) husband, but never pushed for action until this point. When I did, he tried to fill the space of Dominant and didn't fit the bill, as our dynamic was already far too well established. Our marriage ended. I take responsibility for that.
From that moment on, I came completely out to everyone in my life, started living full time D/s, dived deeply into the local BDSM community, and refused to date anyone who wasn't into kink. I'm now VERY happily married to my Dominant of 6 years, and, together, we run a large private BDSM venue in Michigan.
Everything has worked out for- by far- the best.

(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/9/2013 12:13:27 PM   
noddysub


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/9/2013
Status: offline 		i met my husband/Master on this site 7 years ago. in the house i am as slutty as he wants me to be in public i am as presentable as he desires but always aware of my place.

(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: A "respectable" partner - 9/9/2013 11:12:32 PM   
SunTzuSwe


Posts: 82
Joined: 4/25/2013
Status: offline 		My girl found me here on CM and it didn't take long before we found each other. We share a deep respect for each other and both want only what's best for the other. Giving freely without boundaries, knowing your partner is looking out for you no matter what. When you find this it's nothing short of magical. So, going back to the original post. I have no hesitation that one day we might be married and I don't see sluttyness or kinkiness as an obstacle at all. Having a partner is all about love, caring and respect. Communication will solve most issues and I'd say that if you're more in love with your appearance outwards than your mate, maybe it's not meant to be long term. Naturally one cannot be blind to each others living conditions and both people need to be ready to adapt in some ways. I really can't fathom the idea of not having a serious long term relationship with your play partner? I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone whom I'm not playing with.

(in reply to noddysub)
Profile   Post #: 57
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