Childhood Depression (Full Version)

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petitespot -> Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 3:43:12 PM)

My beautiful, happy oldest has been dealing with depression now for about a year. The ex and I are taking this extremely seriously. She has alluded to suicide. She is in therapy. We all are. We are all trying to learn to positively and effectively deal with this. We, as parents, are heartbroken and helpless. Today she had to find and tell me of three things that made her smile. I was one of those things.
Any advice is welcome if you've dealt with this before.
I may ask the mods to pull this if it becomes too emotional for me.



lizi -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 4:28:50 PM)

My youngest went through this when he was 15. I was at my wit's end trying to find a professional that would see him and treat him, there isn't much out there for children with depression. He got better, but still struggles with it from time to time, he's 21 now. In fact his brother lives with him out at college, and he will call me still if he thinks his little brother is struggling and I should know about it.

I'm really sorry, I'm not sure I have any advice. It was an open topic within the family and we treated it like any other condition that one of us was dealing with - which is to say we weren't afraid to talk about it. We are extraordinarily close as a family, I think that helped, everyone has each other as a support system, and we all watch out for each other. I think it helped to be a non-judgmental sounding board for my son and give him a way to talk things out. I always made time for him at any point that he seemed to need it. But then again, that's nothing unusual, and I'm sure it wouldn't be in your family either.

I truly hope you all come out on the other side of this. I remember how useless I felt, and how inconsequential it seemed to be his Mom and have nothing I could do but worry.



RomanticRebel -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 4:40:56 PM)

Depression is never an easy thing to deal with. I, like most of my family, have lived with it for a number of years. My experience is that talking to someone who is close to you can help immensely. Obviously teenagers are not the easiest talkers, however, I have found that if you get them doing an activity they enjoy, they open up very quickly. Think about what your daughter likes to do, and do it. For example, I have always enjoyed driving. My mother would take me out and let me drive through the national park near our home, and we would talk about whatever had been on my mind at the time. Aside from allowing me to open up, it also showed me that mom was thinking about me, and that she cared. That is probably the best thing you can do for someone who is dealing with depression.

I hope this helps.



JeffBC -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 4:41:36 PM)

I went through depression recently. For me, rather than shrinks and pills and whatnot I elected to go after the root cause(es) of the depression thereby fixing the problem.

So what is she depressed about?



OrionTheWolf -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 5:03:47 PM)

You have a message on the other side. Hope it helps.



dcnovice -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 5:06:56 PM)

FR

First off, big hugs. This isn't easy for anyone, I know all too well.

My own depression kicked in before high school, and my poor parents were clueless about how to deal with it. So they pretty much didn't. Once they found a suicide note I'd written, and we never discussed it again. (I made some half-hearted attempts that I don't think they ever knew about.) That boggles my mind now, but I'm sure they thought I was just trying to score attention. (Exactly why that's such a sin remains a mystery to me.)

Given all that, I was glad and grateful to read that you and your ex are taking this seriously. That's especially important for several reasons. Most obviously, you want to help a kid in pain. And your doing so tells her that she has value and worth--the sense of which depression brutally erodes. In addition, I've heard that untreated early depression can actually alter brain chemistry, making future bouts more likely and ghastly. (You may want to get that from a more scientific source than yours truly, I realize!)

I'm no expert, so I can only share things I wish folks had been able to do for me:

-- Stress to your daughter that depression is a disease, often rooted in brain chemistry, and not a mental or moral failing on her part. Remind her again and again and again that it does not make her weak!

-- Talk with her doctors about whether medication can help.

-- Take time for her and all the family to do fun, lighthearted things.

-- Bear in mind that depression-induced shyness and shame can lead one to rebuff initial efforts to reach out. I can't tell you how many times I told sympathetic teachers and other adults that I was all right when I was bleeding inside. I kept hoping they'd ask again, but they didn't.

-- The "smile" moment brings to mind something that sometimes helps me, which is making a gratitude list. Perhaps keep a family "book of blessings" to which each member is invited to add an item a day, perhaps as part of the dinner "grace" or conversation. This is not to make her "smile the blues away" but to reinforce that even gray days have their gifts.

-- Provide opportunities and encouragement for exercise.

-- Talk to other parents who've coped with this and learn what worked for them.

-- Check out William Styron's Darkness Visible--a short, powerful read. it's the book I always want to give folks and say, "This! This is what I'm going through."

-- Let your daughter know gently about others who've weathered depression and gone on to survive and thrive. Lincoln and Churchill come to mind. Alas, I'm blanking on a female example.

-- Be open to the possibility that the depression may stem in part from dismay over sexual identity.

God, I hope this helps! My prayers and warmest wishes are with you.

ETA: Can't believe I forgot to say "Take care of yourself too." You'll need fully charged batteries to help your daughter. To borrow the deathless prose of the aviation industry, put you own oxygen mask on first. [:)]



NuevaVida -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 5:17:06 PM)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Childhood depression is so much more delicate than adult depression, in that the tools used for adults can be counter-productive for kids.

The good thing is that resources today are so much better than when we were kids, and we are so much more aware and unashamed regarding dealing with it.

I had childhood depression to the point of constantly feeling suicidal. My sister was actually hospitalized as a teen for a suicide attempt. We didn't have an option for therapy then, and these issues were swept under the carpet in the family and not discussed - we couldn't embarrass the family, after all. If you don't look at it, it doesn't exist, right?

I am not raising kids, but I can tell you something from the kid's point of view. What I needed (and I can probably speak for my sister, too) was:

To have a voice, and be able to express myself without fear.
To be heard.
For my feelings to be accepted and not minimized.
To know my parents loved me unconditionally.
To be taken seriously.
To not be criticized (separating what I did for who I am, etc.).

For me, it was feeling incredibly stifled and that my whole existence was somehow wrong or bad, that brought me where I was (some of that was self fantasy - it wasn't necessarily my upbringing. Through that, the root of the problem may surface, and through therapy, you can learn the best tools for her, with which to deal with it.

Openness, honesty, boundaries and love. In abundance.




dcnovice -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 5:19:40 PM)

quote:

am not raising kids, but I can tell you something from the kid's point of view. What I needed (and I can probably speak for my sister, too) was:

To have a voice, and be able to express myself without fear.
To be heard.
For my feelings to be accepted and not minimized.
To know my parents loved me unconditionally.
To be taken seriously.
To not be criticized (separating what I did for who I am, etc.).

For me, it was feeling incredibly stifled and that my whole existence was somehow wrong or bad, that brought me where I was (some of that was self fantasy - it wasn't necessarily my upbringing. Through that, the root of the problem may surface, and through therapy, you can learn the best tools for her, with which to deal with it.

Openness, honesty, boundaries and love. In abundance.

QFT. Hugs to you too, NV!



splatterpunk -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 5:37:54 PM)

find a good shrink. do not do not do NOT let your general practitioner start handing out meds. i work in the field and i see this too often. GP's have no goddamn business medicating anyone, least of all kids, for mental health issues.

if anybody is going to write a scrip, make damned sure it is someone trained in childhood mental health issues.



angelikaJ -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 5:41:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I went through depression recently. For me, rather than shrinks and pills and whatnot I elected to go after the root cause(es) of the depression thereby fixing the problem.

So what is she depressed about?



And therein lies part of a misunderstanding:
Sometimes there is a root cause - an event or situation that is causing the depression.
That is sometimes referred to as reactive depression.

And sometimes it is faulty brain chemistry.



petitespot -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 5:56:52 PM)

We are proactive. We get her out in the sun walking.
We have cut processed foods out of her diet (not that she ate much of that anyway).
We are exploring a gluten free diet to see if that helps some.
We encourage her to talk. She prefers to write so we encourage that.

One thing that has surfaced is her questioning our divorce.
We let her know at all times how much she is loved and that she had absolutely nothing to do with the divorce.
She's confused because she doesn't understand why we can get along as well as we do and not be married.

My ex husbands family has depression running heavily through it.

I think its a combo of genetics and age and dealing with a lot of changes right now.
She's not on meds yet. That's our last resort.
She has a therapist that helps her a lot. That helps us too.



NuevaVida -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 6:26:13 PM)

Sounds like you are doing everything right. Writing was very therapeutic for me as a teen, as well. It's how I expressed myself. I'm glad you're encouraging that. She might not want to show you everything she's writing, and that needs to be OK, too.

My niece is going through something similar now, with my brother's separation from his wife, even though he & his wife still get along. She has taken to cutting, and is in therapy now. I think they go as a family from time to time, too. I think it's beneficial for a kid to have a trusted source who is NOT the parents. It feels safer for them that way, and they don't worry about hurting the parents' feelings.

Depression runs in our family, too, so we're all very aware of that now, with the newer generation.



kalikshama -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 6:46:02 PM)

Playing Black Sabbath's first album really loudly helped with my adolescent depression [:D]

Not that I'm recommending this for a child, but Wellbutrin helped me as an adult. It's a little speedy, and I needed that to get moving, because what helps me the most is exercise (quick fix) and eating well (keeps me stable).

Sounds like you are on the right track below. Speaking of the sun, as we are heading into the winter, might want to get her Vitamin D levels checked so her depression is not compounded by Seasonal Affective Disorder.

{{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}

quote:

We are proactive. We get her out in the sun walking.
We have cut processed foods out of her diet (not that she ate much of that anyway).
We are exploring a gluten free diet to see if that helps some.
We encourage her to talk. She prefers to write so we encourage that.

One thing that has surfaced is her questioning our divorce.
We let her know at all times how much she is loved and that she had absolutely nothing to do with the divorce.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 6:49:38 PM)

There is a strong history of OCD, ADD and depression in my ex's family - and both of my kids have depression. Both of them were depressed as children and saw multiple shrinks and therapists. They were both resistant to taking meds which certainly didn't help much.

My oldest recently spent a couple of days in a psych. ward for depression, hallucinations and suicidal ideation. Scared the crap out of me and her dad, and hopefully - her. She is on meds and seems to be sticking to them.

All you can do is your best. Sometimes it isn't enough, but its all you can do.

When my oldest was a lot younger I had a doc tell me that she was going to live under a bridge - which oddly enough - sent me into a major depressive episode. I took antidepressants for many years following that time, and just recently got off them. I also spent three years in talk therapy which helped me a lot.
Please take care of yourself as well as her. You can't help her unless you are in a good place. ]

Also, don't be afraid to let her see how upset you are. I hid all that emotion from my kiddo, and it didn't help her at all, and hurt me. Kids need to know that what hurts them hurt you.



DesFIP -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 6:51:30 PM)

Mood disorders most commonly manifest about the time puberty hits. If anyone else in the family suffers from them, that ups her chances of having inherited it.

In most families heart disease or diabetes runs in the family. In mine, suicide does.

If you can possibly find her a pediatric or adolescent neurologist or psychiatrist, that would be best. Depression in children manifests differently than in adults and the medications are more likely to cause a paradoxical effect in kids. Doesn't mean she shouldn't use them, just that she needs to be closely monitored. And most adult psychiatrists aren't knowledgeable about kids.

I was nine when it hit. My daughter was 11. A cousin's daughter about 12.

And please don't assume that depression has a cause. Because it can be situational but it's a lot more likely just to be without cause. It's a problem with brain chemicals in exactly the same way that diabetes is a problem with body chemicals.

She will need therapy as well as medication to learn coping skills for the future and to help her learn to recognize when it returns. But it's a lot easier to learn these new skills if she isn't mired in suicidal, severe depression. Just like it's easier to learn to run track if your leg isn't in a cast.

My experience is that medication should be done first, not after a lot more time she can't get back has gone by.



theshytype -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 8:05:29 PM)

I'm sorry for what both you and her are going through. Depression can be a very scary thing. I suffered miserably for many years when I was younger, many suicidal thoughts and a few silly attempts. I suffered alone. I did a pretty good job hiding it and if anyone had noticed, they had a piss-poor way of showing it. I would have loved to have had someone to talk to so I didn't feel so alone and think its wonderful you're taking it seriously and being proactive.

What caused mine was nothing and everything. It took a lot of time, trial and error, some poor choices to get over it. It could have been a lot easier, and a lot less painful, had I told someone that would have been there for me.

I don't really have any good advice but this is:



quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

To have a voice, and be able to express myself without fear.
To be heard.
For my feelings to be accepted and not minimized.
To know my parents loved me unconditionally.
To be taken seriously.
To not be criticized (separating what I did for who I am, etc.).





littlewonder -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 8:21:39 PM)

I'm really sorry to hear about this petitespot. I will tell you that I had exactly this same problem with my daughter when she was younger. She and I would argue to the point we would both end up in tears and then she would threaten to kill herself and then there were times I was afraid to even leave her alone. I was afraid to come home and find her dead. Then one night it was so bad that I had to have her committed. She was put on all kinds of meds that unfortunately made her into a zombie, she quit school and I had all kinds of problems with her. She was in therapy but I'm not so sure it did much good.

I know the pain you are in. I went through it for years with her. It hurts to see your child hurting and then it affects yourself. You would literally do anything to make your child better. I know it's not easy but at least your daughter loves you and she has told you that. All you can do is be there for her. Make sure she's taking the meds if she is being prescribed, make sure she continues the therapy and that both you and your ex-husband stay on good speaking terms as a united front. Kids can see through it if you are faking it. She needs a strong family bond. Be that which you wish to see in her.

I would say you are on the right track. Tell her you love her and give her as many hugs as she will accept. Make sure you stay in the therapy as well not just for yourself but for her too. The therapists will show you ways in which to help each other through this.

Even though my daughter is now out on her own as an adult, I still worry about if she's still depressed since I know she no longer takes the meds except for her anti-anxiety when she has a panic attack. I still worry that one day she will do something to hurt herself or someone else. I just remind her how much she is loved and I make sure to keep in contact with her to show her that I love her.

If you ever need to talk or anything else please know that I am here. Just reach me on the other side, ok? I sympathize and hope things get at least a little easier for all of you.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 9:33:02 PM)

www.superbetter.com

it is good. It is a computer game to help with all sorts of things... depression among them. It is rooted in sound psych principles and links to academic articles that the different 'quests' are based on. The three things that make you smile could very well be one of the quests. It's a great site and game. I recommend it... for what that is worth.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 11:45:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I went through depression recently. For me, rather than shrinks and pills and whatnot I elected to go after the root cause(es) of the depression thereby fixing the problem.

So what is she depressed about?


Unfortunately, in most cases this isn't how mental illness works. There might sometimes be a trigger event, like a bereavement or a divorce, but not always, and when grief or sadness becomes clinical depression, saying 'fix the problem' is kinda like saying 'I got lung cancer so I quit smoking'. Yes, you should look for causes and fix them, but the illness won't go away just because you did.

I was a depressed child. Probably from age 14 onwards. For no reason - I had a happy, loving home, good friends, a supportive school, no traumas - I was just sick.

Petitespot, the first thing is that your daughter is already telling you about it. When I went through this I told no one. Instead I hoarded pain killers "just in case" and struck matches so I could put them out on my skin. I knew if I told them, they would be worried and sad, and I loved them so much I couldn't bear the guilt of making them happy. They had given me a wonderful life and I thought I was just ungrateful and selfish. Now I know that's the illness talking but since no one else knew, no one could point out my faulty thinking. The fact that she's expressing this to you is wonderful, and it really sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her.

If she likes to write, encourage her to write every day, whether that be a journal or a poem or a story. Tell her that you're always interested in her work but don't ever make her show you. Probably some feelings are too private or too raw to share with you. It might also help to have a 'me and you' notebook in which you both write notes to each other. Check it every day and write back to any questions or feeling she has in there. It gives her a way of knowing you will hear her, without having to say it outloud.

I found it helpful to have a 'crisis box' so when I had a low moment I could retreat into my room and try to cheer myself up. It contained family photos, aromatherapy lotions, a white noise machine (jungle/thunderstorm type sounds), good music, chocolate, bubbles, nail varnish, puzzle books etc. The idea was to make a soothing environment and then stay there and distract myself until the worst passed.

The other thing, which it sounds like you are doing, is encourage her to keep up with normal activities, even when she won't feel like it. Make sure she still cleans her room, goes to visit friends, takes part in sports etc. The paradox of depression is that it's hard to motivate yourself to do things that help you feel better.

Does she play sports? Even to this day, exercise is the single biggest thing which keeps me emotionally level.



Rule -> RE: Childhood Depression (9/4/2013 11:48:04 PM)

So how old is she and what happened?



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