Is he the real deal as far as you can tell?

Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (Full Version)

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seraph1na -> Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 12:20:01 PM)
So I'm really new to all of this. I've known since I was 16 or so that I had a submissive streak but never did anything about it although I wasn't happy with my vanilla life at all. I'm now 33 and newly divorced and have since been with someone (more of a friend than anything else) who can be dominant at times but I find myself wanting more than just that. I've met someone on a normal dating site who identifies as a Dom and even though he didn't raise any red flags (quite the opposite so far) I'd rather be safe than sorry so would like someone with a little more experience to give their opinion. So far we've been talking about what I'm looking for mostly and he knows I'm pretty much completely new to this whole thing, apart from the odd thing I've tried with that friend. We've discussed some general stuff about our life in general and real names or phone numbers haven't come into play yet but we are talking under the assumption that we'll meet eventually. He is not pushing this and I feel that the when and where are up to me. He's told me that when we meet I'd need to make a choice between taking it slow or jumping right in and when I went for taking it slow he said that was the sensible choice to make. He told me he'd teach me what I need to know and train me if I agreed to it and has had me fill out a checklist which I was positively surprised by. It feels like he does take this seriously but I don't know what to look for when it comes to finding out if he is the real deal and I'm safe with him. Any opinions or tips are welcome. If you have questions, please ask. Thanks for any answers!

JeffBC -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 12:27:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seraph1na Any opinions or tips are welcome. If you have questions, please ask. Thanks for any answers! Two opinions: A) The things you have listed all sound very healthy to me... most particularly it does not sound like someone grasping for power... those are the very people who never ought to have power. I agree with the "go slow" approach although I never would have offered you a choice. For me it'd be "go slow or find someone else to be stupid with." B) There are two other things I'd look for. These are personal only so YMMV: B1) Are YOU more important than the dynamic? Let's suppose you decided to stop obeying one day. Does he still love you? In other words, is he looking for a role or is he looking for an actual human? B2) Does he covet power or responsibility? Many times I've divided leaders into those two buckets. The ones who covet power need to be either fled from or put down. The ones who covet responsibility are trustworthy. As an interesting aside, anyone who actually has power and is comfortable with it does not grasp for it or covet it much like don't covet a sweet roll when you're already stuffed at the banquet table. People who are grasping for it probably don't have it, don't know how to have it, and will misuse it when they get it. Overall, I say "explore more with this guy".

seraph1na -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 12:58:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC Two opinions: A) The things you have listed all sound very healthy to me... most particularly it does not sound like someone grasping for power... those are the very people who never ought to have power. I agree with the "go slow" approach although I never would have offered you a choice. For me it'd be "go slow or find someone else to be stupid with." B) There are two other things I'd look for. These are personal only so YMMV: B1) Are YOU more important than the dynamic? Let's suppose you decided to stop obeying one day. Does he still love you? In other words, is he looking for a role or is he looking for an actual human? B2) Does he covet power or responsibility? Many times I've divided leaders into those two buckets. The ones who covet power need to be either fled from or put down. The ones who covet responsibility are trustworthy. As an interesting aside, anyone who actually has power and is comfortable with it does not grasp for it or covet it much like don't covet a sweet roll when you're already stuffed at the banquet table. People who are grasping for it probably don't have it, don't know how to have it, and will misuse it when they get it. Overall, I say "explore more with this guy". Thank you so much, this is really helpful! To A, I forgot to mention that he said if I choose to "jump right in" he'd give me very clear instructions to make sure it's still safe for me. Another point that made me think he might be the right guy to explore this lifestyle with. As for B1, I suppose that is something I will see at some point. My feeling so far is that he looks for a human and not just the role. We can talk like normal people at least. What will happen when we meet could of course be totally different. Can't really say much about B2 but I feel like this is not about power for him. At this point it's still online but so far it feels like he'd take really good care of me.

OsideGirl -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 1:01:42 PM)
I thought he was doing fine until we got to this: quote: ORIGINAL: seraph1na He told me he'd teach me what I need to know and train me if I agreed to it and has had me fill out a checklist which I was positively surprised by. Just so you know, many of the players use "training" as an euphemism for "tie you up, beat you and fuck you". To the point where most of us who have been around awhile just roll our eyes. Here's the thing: BDSM is bondage/discipline/Sado-Masochsim.....it is not D/s. It is basically the kinky sex part of the relationship. You can engage in BDSM and never engage in D/s. D/s is dominance and submission. It is the power dynamic of the relationship. It's more about what happens when you're not in the bedroom. You can engage in D/s and never engage in BDSM. The two are not the same. They are frequently linked together, but they are not the same thing. He basically sent you a kinky sex checklist. Okay. My personal view is that is the cart way before the horse. My personal view is that it's best to date someone and actually figure out if you like someone before playing or committing to that person. BDSM breaks through a lot of walls and drives hormones into the max setting, which gets confused with real emotions. Then three months into a relationship when the shine is starting to wear off, someone realizes that they've confused tingly genitals with love and that they actually don't even like the person they're with. Before getting into the kinky sex sessions, I would advise you to just date, get to know each and figure out if you really like him.

MizzSpitfire -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 1:34:00 PM)
I agree with Osidegirl- "train" is a euphemism for "play with you and use you sexually without making any commitment". If you meet and get along well, then you might date, and in time, he can train you- NOT in how to fuck (I'm sure you know that one) but in how to do his laundry, or how he likes his eggs. Personally, after mention of "training", or that checklist (how presumptuous!), I'd be moving on.

JeffBC -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 3:04:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seraph1na As for B1, I suppose that is something I will see at some point. My feeling so far is that he looks for a human and not just the role. You might simply ask him, no? It's a simple question: "Is this relationship contingent on my obedience?" For some that is a critical piece of a relationship. I mistrust that sort but that is an individual viewpoint. quote: Can't really say much about B2 but I feel like this is not about power for him. At this point it's still online but so far it feels like he'd take really good care of me. I certainly got nothing of "grasping for power" in your story. I also got a lot of "responsibility" from it. Insofar as OsideGirl's comment on training, I tripped up over the same word but in this case I'm cool with it. I'm assuming from everything else you said about him though that his head is not purely in sex which leads me to think this checklist was just one thing of many things he's wanted to know about you. I DEFINITELY like the idea of "just dating" before getting into kinky sex but I'm a prude that way.

DesFIP -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 3:54:40 PM)
He probably does want to know that you are compatible, sexually as well as in other ways. Although most women prefer to leave that to discuss after determining vanilla compatibility, many men prefer to insure sexual compatibility first. Do you live within a reasonable drive to each other? Because if so, meet for coffee, nothing else happening. If you really won't be able to meet in real life more than once a year at best, then I'd rethink this. Yes he's a nice guy but what kind of life will you have sitting alone by the computer on your birthday, at Christmas, etc?

DarkSteven -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 5:01:42 PM)
My take: quote: ORIGINAL: seraph1na I've met someone on a normal dating site who identifies as a Dom Okay. Interesting he'd be on a vanilla site looking for a sub, but I suppose it could work. Especially if it's OKCupid, which has quite a few kinkpeople. quote: So far we've been talking about what I'm looking for mostly and he knows I'm pretty much completely new to this whole thing, apart from the odd thing I've tried with that friend. We've discussed some general stuff about our life in general and real names or phone numbers haven't come into play yet but we are talking under the assumption that we'll meet eventually. That's a very good sign. He's not pressuring you. quote: He is not pushing this and I feel that the when and where are up to me. He's told me that when we meet I'd need to make a choice between taking it slow or jumping right in and when I went for taking it slow he said that was the sensible choice to make. That bothers me. When meeting, I determined the pace. Even though you stated that he had an answer to whichever way you went, that sounds a bi like he was either hoping for a quick lay, or that he was inexperienced and feeling his way around. quote: He told me he'd teach me what I need to know and train me if I agreed to it Big red flag quote: and has had me fill out a checklist which I was positively surprised by. Don;t be. There are several floating around the Internet. quote: It feels like he does take this seriously but I don't know what to look for when it comes to finding out if he is the real deal and I'm safe with him. Any opinions or tips are welcome. If you have questions, please ask. Thanks for any answers! Based on everything you said, he sounds like he's new to this. I'd recommend going to some events with him to see how he interacts with others and how open he is to learning. Also, if he's got a bad local rep, he will resist going.

angelikaJ -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 5:18:22 PM)
Are you looking for someone to just play with or are you seeking a Relationship? My suggestion: if you choose to meet, then meet in a very vanilla setting: such as for a cup of coffee. If that goes well then meet for lunch or go to a movie or museum. In other words, spend time with him getting to know him as a person. Only then will you be able to discern if he is trust-worthy or not.

DesFIP -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 5:58:19 PM)
How good are you normally at judging people? Because there's no difference here. He sounds like a good guy but whether or not it's just a line is something you won't tell until you meet him. If you have good instincts and listen to them.

JeffBC -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 6:39:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven That bothers me. When meeting, I determined the pace. Even though you stated that he had an answer to whichever way you went, that sounds a bi like he was either hoping for a quick lay, or that he was inexperienced and feeling his way around. It's not that the same thing didn't tickle my brain too, but for me it seemed normal because I try hard to be pretty hands-off with a personality I don't know the mental map to. I could easily see myself doing similar things (although not that particular one since I have such a strong preference to "go slow"). For those subs who think that's not "dominant enough" then it just means they need someone other than me. I'm not real big on "bull in a china shop"... although after that mythbusters episode I might need to rethink that :)

tommonymous -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 8:30:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl He basically sent you a kinky sex checklist. Okay. My personal view is that is the cart way before the horse. Did you see the checklist? It may have included a whole lot of non-sexual activities which are often enjoyed, or given a bit more weight, in a BDSM-flavored relationship. I'm thinking things like cooking, housework, eye contact restrictions, speech restrictions, et al. In my case, I'd rather have a girl who loves to clean, since I don't particularly. I'd much rather cook, so we could use that as a starting point to split the chores. It's still somewhat cart before the horse since they're so early on, but I wouldn't assume that the guy's checklist is centered on kinky sex.

seraph1na -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/5/2013 10:41:19 PM)
Thanks everyone for your replies. I don't think I'll be quoting everyone as I'd probably go crazy trying that. First of all, yes we will be meeting only for coffee in public and bright daylight once that time comes and I would never agree to anything else. He lives within in hours drive or so. I've never gone on "just sex" dates and doubt I ever will so this quite logical for me and if he had suggested anything else I'd have told him to look for someone else. I've been a bad judge of character before but that was 12 years ago in my twenties. I've gotten a lot more careful since then, hence this post among other things. In the end if we don't click in real life this will never be going any further and if we click it depends on which level. Preferably I'm looking for love in combination with the kinky side but if it turns out to be more of a friends with benefits thing and I feel comfortable with that, then it's not a no-go. This will definitely be a point to discuss once we meet. As far as the checklist goes, this is probably a personal thing. I've been with too many men in the past who just assumed they know what I like and when I told them where I wanted things to go that caused issues in the end so I prefer to know early on if we match on that part. That's probably why I was more positively surprised than shocked. Reading some of the comments from you guys makes me think that maybe I should've been shocked. And yes, the list did include things like household chores, speech/eye contact restrictions, kissing (absolute must for me LOL) and the likes. I'm definitely grateful for all your answers, it's good to see some opinions on this as people with experience can judge this a lot better than I can. I was going to take it slow but I think now even more so.

petitespot -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/6/2013 2:34:12 AM)
Dear God....meet the guy for a coffee and if you both like each other then go on a date. If its meant to be a kink relationship that will evolve naturally. All of this overanalysis bullshit over every word he's said to you... If you choose to look for negative, you will find it every time.

JeffBC -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/6/2013 8:51:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: petitespot Dear God....meet the guy for a coffee and if you both like each other then go on a date. If its meant to be a kink relationship that will evolve naturally. All of this overanalysis bullshit over every word he's said to you... If you choose to look for negative, you will find it every time. laughs OK, a bit harsh but I gotta agree with the sentiment. It does align well with the thought I have all the time... How the hell do these BDSM people manage to leave their houses every day if Starbuck's is a potentially life threatening situation in their eyes?"

OsideGirl -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/6/2013 9:01:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tommonymous Did you see the checklist? It may have included a whole lot of non-sexual activities which are often enjoyed, or given a bit more weight, in a BDSM-flavored relationship. I'm thinking things like cooking, housework, eye contact restrictions, speech restrictions, et al. In my case, I'd rather have a girl who loves to clean, since I don't particularly. I'd much rather cook, so we could use that as a starting point to split the chores. I've been around long enough where I'm familiar with most of the lists. But, I will give you my perspective from when I was single. There was no way I was doing chores for a guy I was dating. I worked full time, had my own place, and I had maid service. I wasn't about to take my free time and clean the house of someone else when we could be spending that time actually interacting.

NuevaVida -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/6/2013 12:34:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl But, I will give you my perspective from when I was single. There was no way I was doing chores for a guy I was dating. I worked full time, had my own place, and I had maid service. I wasn't about to take my free time and clean the house of someone else when we could be spending that time actually interacting. I usually clean his house when he's not home. I understand where you're coming from, though, and he puts limits on what I'll do at his house, since I clean my own home, work full time, and have a very busy life. Right now he's getting ready to sell his house and I'm helping him get it cleaned up. Then again, I don't consider us to just be dating at this point. [:)]

OsideGirl -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/6/2013 12:42:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl But, I will give you my perspective from when I was single. There was no way I was doing chores for a guy I was dating. I worked full time, had my own place, and I had maid service. I wasn't about to take my free time and clean the house of someone else when we could be spending that time actually interacting. I usually clean his house when he's not home. I understand where you're coming from, though, and he puts limits on what I'll do at his house, since I clean my own home, work full time, and have a very busy life. Before himself and I moved in together, I paid to have someone clean my house. I wasn't about to clean someone else's when I pay someone else to clean mine. quote: Right now he's getting ready to sell his house and I'm helping him get it cleaned up. Then again, I don't consider us to just be dating at this point. [:)] That is true too. :)

NuevaVida -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/6/2013 1:05:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Before himself and I moved in together, I paid to have someone clean my house. I wasn't about to clean someone else's when I pay someone else to clean mine. Makes complete sense. I can't seem to stop myself lol. But then sometimes I'm at his place for hours while he's at work, and it feels good to do this for him. Funny, I hate cleaning my own place but don't blink an eye about cleaning his. My place is way too small to bother paying someone to clean. He's really appreciative of what I do, and that helps, too. quote: That is true too. :) [:)] Back to the OP, I don't see an issue with a new guy using a checklist, or with being careful. The whole "training" thing has me raise my eyebrows but then the Mister used to mention training, too, and I'd "Pfffffft" at him lol. Now he says it because he knows it bugs me [8D]. Meet him, see if there's chemistry, take things slowly, and enjoy yourself. You're being aware, and that's a good thing. If you trust your judgment, listen to it. If you don't trust your judgment, don't see anyone until you do.

JeffBC -> RE: Is he the real deal as far as you can tell? (9/6/2013 1:58:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida The whole "training" thing has me raise my eyebrows but then the Mister used to mention training, too, and I'd "Pfffffft" at him lol. Now he says it because he knows it bugs me [8D]. So then he is training you to be bugged by training? I like it :) (damned sadists -- or people with a wry sense of humor -- one of the two)

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