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Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/8/2013 10:59:02 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline 		In correcting my submissive's behavior to better please me, it is my natural inclination to provide explanations for why a new behavior would better please me. Often, the purpose is that I'm trying to improve her life and that improving her life pleases me (and not doing so distresses me), so my inclination is to explain why the new behavior would improve her life. Sometimes though, I wonder if I'm not just overwhelming her with the explanation and should simply tell her what to do, knowing that she will do it in order to please me.

Whether it's better to explain or not explain is probably entirely dependant on the people and the relationship, but I was curious to hear other people's thoughts on the matter. Which do you think is better in different situations?
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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/8/2013 11:05:46 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I much prefer explanations. I'm an intelligent human being and expect to be treated as such, so an explanation would be expected by me for any major changes. I can do mindless obedience, but I'm quite happy for my mind to be part of my obedience

Now explanations would be for major changes. So if he said "I want you to use your exercise bike for half an hour a night so that you continue to lose weight and get fit", I think that's pretty much what I'd expect to hear in terms of explanation. But if he decided to cut down on the number of sweeteners he has in his tea, he just has to say "only one sweetener in my tea from now on".

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/8/2013 11:09:46 PM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline 		An explanation can help to clarify the motivation intended.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/8/2013 11:13:18 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline 		Yeah, it may be that an explanation is good but that I have a tendency to overexplain, and that's not.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/8/2013 11:42:27 PM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline 		An object lesson is never overrated, yet needs no explanation.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 12:10:55 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I feel explanations have there time and place. I never feel that I have to justify my commands by explaining them. Sometimes I want my slave to blindly obey because the lesson learned will come later as an epiphany when all comes to light as they see the big picture. Although it is at my guidance, this makes it something they learn themselves instead of something I teach. It is closer to their heart, becomes part of their core.

When my purpose is more important than the method and can be served in a number of ways, I find telling (explaining) the purpose instead of the method is better and I let the slave pick the method to fulfill it. To make a very simple example; if I crave meat and potatoes, instead of teaching the method for cooking a steak and baking a potato, I would ask for meat and potatoes cooked the best way the slave knows how. I will be just as happy with a roast or a steak.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 2:18:24 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		My Master gives explanations, and I am encouraged to ask questions when I have them. We don't do "mindless obedience" here. This is both for practical and emotional reasons (and often times these are one and the same.)

Practically, being able to understand where he is coming from, and internalize what he wants as something that I also want (whether that be because it pleases him, or because it's something I like, etc.) or at least something that I can see the benefit to, helps me to be a good follower and follow with conviction. And by hearing my questions or input, this enables him to make better decisions. It builds trust and respect, from both ends.

And considering that we are both beings capable of intelligence, being treated as though my opinion/understanding/input matters (because it does) is important to both of us. Just because he makes the decisions doesn't mean I am not included in the thought processes.

To some extent, that is an intimacy thing. Whether I have questions or input, I know I will always be heard by him. If he couldn't be bothered to share things with me (either because he felt it necessary to share something or because I asked,) then it would feel wrong and weird and I don't think I'd feel as close to him. The relationship would be "colder." And coldness is not something I'd ever describe our relationship with. We are very "warm" with each other and this is just one of the many things that contribute to that.

< Message edited by RaspberryLemon -- 9/9/2013 2:22:55 AM >

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 3:30:00 AM   
AaNiMaLl


Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		I can't answer this question because I am hung up on this notion that it is the subs job to please. I feel that the approach is treating her or him like some sort of glib little thing that runs around to meet Masters needs. Jump, quack, dance. This sort of thing needs no explanation because you don't explain to a dog why it is told to sit. Maybe some want a slave like this and I can understand that. However, if you are really going to get into your slave's psyche then the best way is through communication. It isn't needed all the time but it is needed and is why I don't like gags. I can tell you that my girlfriend is no dog. Through bdsm we walk into darkness together, embrace it and come out monsters. Reflections of each other. Moving past sex to love and past love to truth. Shared empathy.


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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 3:49:39 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Come on...
Sometimes they just have to do what they're told...

RS,
That first paragraph is great.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 9/9/2013 3:51:28 AM >

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 4:00:49 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		If she is rolling her eyes every time you start a long winded explaination then you are sharing too much information. Shorten it.
If there is an obvious reason for what you are wanting, allow her the dignity of assuming that she is intelligent enough to get it.

Do I need to add that excessive explainations annoy the snot out of me?

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 5:12:52 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Himself does not provide explanation unless I'm confused or not getting something. We have similar expectations that I should please and obey him, so for the most part explanation is not needed.



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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 5:22:48 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

In correcting my submissive's behavior to better please me, it is my natural inclination to provide explanations for why a new behavior would better please me. Often, the purpose is that I'm trying to improve her life and that improving her life pleases me (and not doing so distresses me), so my inclination is to explain why the new behavior would improve her life. Sometimes though, I wonder if I'm not just overwhelming her with the explanation and should simply tell her what to do, knowing that she will do it in order to please me.

Whether it's better to explain or not explain is probably entirely dependant on the people and the relationship, but I was curious to hear other people's thoughts on the matter. Which do you think is better in different situations?



Tough question. I think it depends. If she is feeling pissy about it, a brief reminder that its for the betterment of the relationship might be good enough. Through my own experience though, not being told seemed to work wonders too. I didn't always need to know why. During the process, and I do mean PROCESS ( it seems eternity) lol, I would have a light bulb moment. "ah ha now I know!" Since I went through some pain to get to the conclusion it was sweeter. It stuck better. A lot of it is about trusting. If its a trust issue, I think its better to walk a person through why. If someone doesn't trust a decision, most will not be happy walking happily into a direction which they have no idea in which it leads. A healthy person that is or distrusting one. Solid trust is a hard thing.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 6:43:03 AM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		I'm getting the drift that you're getting more out of the explaining (example: a boner) than she is.

My wife is a very basic type of submissive. Too much chat, too much intellectualization, and her pussy dries up.

Plus, what are you doing that requires prolonged explaining? Just tell her to get her tongue on your feet. Most of this stuff sort of speaks for itself.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 6:58:39 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger
but I was curious to hear other people's thoughts on the matter. Which do you think is better in different situations?

Uh... I think that which works is good. I think obeying BDSM rules is bad. I think you should know if you're overwhelming her with information because her eyes get that glassy distracted look while she's thinking about something else.

Sometimes I explain to Carol... usually in the important or surprising stuff. Sometimes I just tell her to do something... usually when it's smaller, unimportant, or I'm too busy.

In general I find it needful for her to "know my mind">

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 8:43:25 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		He explains if the situation warrants it. Sometimes knowing why he wants something helps me understand how he thinks. Sometimes it helps me see the bigger picture and how things fit into context. Sometimes it clears up confusion. And sometimes it isn't necessary at all.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 8:50:12 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In the beginning, it was essential. I needed to know that he had thought things through. If he hadn't been transparent about his reasoning, I would not have trusted him. Now, ten years later, it's not normally needed for in the moment stuff. But if it's going to be a long term change, then yes I still need it. I can't process things if I don't understand them.

Understanding why allows me to see if it's doable or if he's overlooked things that are going to make it a hardship for me. If it seems foolish I'm going to obey the letter of the law at best, but not the spirit of it. And if I think his decisions are unwise, that's a very short step to thinking he's unwise.

However, this is how I process things. Why haven't you asked her what would work best for her? Because she's the only expert on her that exists.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 9:07:34 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I respond best to getting information, not being asked to do things blindly. IMO, I want to be treated as a relationship partner even though I am subservient, and I will give more of myself if I understand why I should be on board with it. This is for things over and beyond a simple task- those I pretty much get why they need to be done and don't need any explanation.

I'd want to know that you had a reason and how it applies. That can help in the future too as it helps me understand more of what is important to you and why and I can start to become someone that knows exactly what you'd wish if you weren't there to guide me. Obviously this is more important in the beginning, but in my opinion information never goes amiss, whereas no information can lead to a misunderstanding somewhere along the way.

It also seems like a gesture of respect that my Dominant gives me if he chooses to explain. While that isn't necessary, it's nice to get. It doesn't mean there is a softening of our roles, he is the leader, but he's acknowledging by explaining to me that I'm an intelligent human being that has willingly allowed him to lead the both of us, and while he doesn't have to, he's confirming his place as the leader and affirming my intelligent and mindful decision to give him that position. That is totally my own opinion and what works for me. I will admit I'm somewhat of a freak for information and always err on the side of preferring too much over too little, and I will sift out what is important - that is what I prefer in any area of life.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 9:26:50 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Yeah, it may be that an explanation is good but that I have a tendency to overexplain, and that's not.


Does SHE think you are over explaining? I personally prefer more than less or none. I like hearing how his mind works.

At work for non-routine projects, I am much more willing and efficient when I get the big picture.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 11:08:03 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		There is a difference between explanation of what is required and justification to why it is required. I have no issue in explaining to my slaves what is required. But I have no need to justify it to my slaves.

If I must justify it to them, Then who really has the authority? Fortunately my girls understand this.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Providing explanations, good or bad? - 9/9/2013 12:16:02 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP


However, this is how I process things. Why haven't you asked her what would work best for her? Because she's the only expert on her that exists.



Oh, I intend to have her read this thread and give me her thoughts. :)

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