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Gauge -> RE: Questions that would get me killed if they knew where to find me (9/13/2013 4:57:26 PM)
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I want to answer these questions. I shouldn't do this, but I cannot stop myself...
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I have a few questions for the women on these boards, that it is time they are answered, I am sure the other males around here are curious as well.
I will break them down to specific categories.
I am really glad you broke them into specific categories. They are easier to understand for the men reading this thread and they can serve as a checklist for women.
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1) what difference does it make how the toilet paper goes on the roll? For that matter what is wrong with leaving on the counter beside the sink, it is still within reach.
See, this is a trick question. Toilet paper only can go on the roll one way. However, it can go three different ways while in the dispenser. I knew you were crafty, but no one caught this until now. So, the jig is up and I win. Wait.. "THREE different ways" that it can go in the dispenser? Yes, facing the wall, facing away from the wall, or on top of the dispenser itself. As far as leaving [the roll] on the counter top by the sink, this would depend on how far away the sink is. See? Another trick question. You are good at this.
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2) Up or down, what difference does the toilet seat make?
The toilet seat makes all the difference in the world. For one, it means the difference of how damn careful our aim has to be when we pee. With it up, we are kind of really relaxed and nonchalant. With it down, our base hunting instincts are aroused and it is now not just about us relieving ourselves, but conquering the smaller space without lifting the seat. Dribble on the seat and you are merely an knuckle dragging Neanderthal. However, pee without hitting the seat at all, and you will zip up and beat your chest and announce (in loud grunts so any males close enough can hear you) the fact that up or down doesn't matter to you. You are a master and there can be no higher praise.
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3) Why exactly does it take you women so freaking long in the bathroom in the morning. Shower, five minutes, add hair wash another six minutes, brush teeth five minutes, apply make up, ten minutes unless the woman is using a trowel. That comes to 26 minutes. So what are you doing with the other 30 minutes?
Why do you care? You see, for men, this is time of solitude and reflection. The more time the woman spends in the bathroom the more a man can meditate and prepare for the rigors of daily life. So I say to the women... take a book, pack a lunch and stay in there for as long as you want. Besides, we can pee outside if need be.
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1) If it is a kingsize bed there is plenty of room. Cuddling is cool, however, do you understand the law of physics about two objects not being able to share the same space?
Oh, but they do understand physics. They understand that an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by another force. This is why they take down the hanging plants before they throw a cast iron frying pan at your head. And again with the trick question... you say, "there is plenty of room" but do not specify where the room exists. If the room exists on the bed, then there should be no trouble at all. If however, the room exists elsewhere, perhaps in another dimension, then you will not get a wink of sleep because they will crowd the hell out of you. Damn dude, you are really clever.
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2) What is the function of making a bed in the morning? Okay, straighten the sheets, covers, pillows, we are not having a military inspection after all.
There is no "function" to making a bed. There may, however, be a reason to make a bed appear to never have been slept in, ever. As a guy, my only guess at why women do this is because they want plausible deniability when the police discover your body with your skull caved in from a flying frying pan. "Why no officer, I was not here. See? The bed has never been slept in and the toilet seat is still up." They will invariably bat their eyelashes at them.
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3) At most, you use two pillows at night, now would you explain why putting a dozen pillows on a bed that are just going to be thrown on the floor to make room for people to actually sleep in the bed.
I do not understand the question. First you claim there is plenty of room on your king sized bed, now there is no room on it because of dozens of pillows. It doesn't matter. The reason for all the pillows is that when they kill you in your sleep they have something readily available to muffle your screams and to make sure that the sound of your body hitting the floor is nothing more than a slight whisper.
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So explain the necessity of a wardrobe that will allow you to change outfits, shoes and purses four times a day every day of the month. Do you really need all those clothes and shoes?
Officer: Is this the woman you saw?
Witness: She is dressed differently than when I saw her with that dead body slung over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I really cannot be sure.
Officer: So you don't recognize her?
Witness: I am really not sure. I know she went inside the house and I could hear the shower running for 56 minutes, but when she came out her hair was different, her makeup was different and her clothes were different.
Officer: Could it be the same woman?
Witness: No sir, it couldn't be.
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B. Why does the closet space ratio regardless of how many closets in the room always seem to be 75 to 1 in favor of women?
Detective: HEY! OVER HERE! The closets filled with all these clothes for a woman? They all have false backs! When I opened one of them... my GOD! The bodies!
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1) why do we need a plate or paper towed to make a sandwich on? If the counter is clean, why dirty up a plate?
Well now, you can be reasonably certain that the dishes from the dishwasher are clean. You need a forensic kit in order to determine if deadly poison has been spread on the counter top. You can do what you want, but I am using the paper towel or plate.
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2) what is the problem with keeping the coffee pot full?
After everything that you already know, you are going to trust them to make your coffee? Damn man, you either have a death wish or you are incredibly brave. Besides, women normally like to make colored water, not coffee... coffee actually needs to taste like coffee... not hot water.
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3) what is the difference between good china (only used for holidays) and the every day stuff?
Break an item of the good china and find out. To me, there is no difference whatsoever... one was made in China and the other is called China. They are both China. You know, this also brings me to another point, why do they say "the good China" as if we own two sets, one "good" and the other "fucking awful" China.
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4) why go ballistic if a guy grabs a fork, pokes something in a non stick pan to taste it?
I would rip off your head and shit down your neck of you did that with one of my non-stick pans. You are getting off easy with just getting yelled at.
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5) why does a coffee cup we always use need a complete wash at the end of the day? what is wrong with rinsing it out?
Detective: So, the poison was in the coffee?
Forensic Tech: Yes, it appears that way.
Detective: So, how did it get from the pot to drink it?
Forensic Tech: I am not certain about that. He must have drank it out of the pot because all these cups here are pristine and look brand new.
Detective: No fingerprints on the cups?
Forensic Tech: No. Just smudges that look like they were left by rubber dishwashing gloves.
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Why is it so important where the silverware goes?
Look man, up until this point I have tried to be helpful, but if you do not understand why all the silverware needs to go back into the same place... I don't know if I can help you anymore, but I will try. You put all the silverware back in one place so you don't have to hunt around for a steak knife for your 2 pound steak. Your steak will get cold while you hunt high and low for the steak knife. Actually, you don't really need a steak knife. You can use your bare hands... like cave men. Lots of grunting though... lots of it.
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1) Just because your mom, friend from work, whoever, why is it so important for me to change shirts? So what if it has stains that wont come out from working on cars? Are you trying to fix us up with them so we have to make a good impression?
Detective: So, when you were invited over for dinner, the guy you saw was clean shaven, had on clean clothes, had his hair combed and his teeth brushed?
Friend: Yes officer, that is correct.
Detective: So this guy here with the hair that looks like it comes off a yak, and the shirt that looks like he rolled around in a grease pit and the 5 o'clock shadow that is about as thick as a shag carpet is not who you saw?
Friend: No.
Detective: Then how did this vagrant wind up dead in this house?
Friend: I do not know. I never saw him before.
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2) We put down cardboard, with a towel on top of that, plus an old sheet, so why get spastic because we are rebuilding a carb on the coffee table while the game, race, or victoria's secret special is on?
Man, you are soooooo crafty. This is another trick question. Everyone knows you rebuild a carb on the kitchen table. And everyone also knows that if a game, race or sexually enticing program is on that we are sitting there with our feet up on the coffee table with our hand part way into our pants and snacks strewn about.
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You knew we did these things before you decided we were "the one" so why are you making a fuss after you move in?
Because they are evil and want to kill us and take over the world. They have no intention of trying to change us, they just want to make our last days alive a complete dismal misery.
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