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A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 12:00:32 AM

Usani

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/15/2013
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Is this even possible, if so how?? I just got out of a 2nd D/s relationship with my former Sir and his reason for it ending was the same as my former Master..."I don't have feelings for you and not sure if I ever will". Now, if you're one that can do that fine but I'm needing advice from one's on the emotional end. I ended up putting my heart down in front of them and they took it willingly but eventually they just pretty much gave it back with a simple "I'm sorry". Now I don't even know if the next D/s relationship I have if the Dom will be telling me the truth or not. :/

Post #: 1

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 5:20:15 AM

littleone14

Posts: 185
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline

I don't think that problem is exclusive to D/s relationships. My last vanilla relationship ended exactly the same

(in reply to Usani)

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RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 5:42:37 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

They were honest with you. When they felt things had progressed to the point that they weren't being fair to you by not returning your love, they ended it. Do you feel they should have ended it sooner?

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 3

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 5:44:39 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Usani

Is this even possible, if so how?? I just got out of a 2nd D/s relationship with my former Sir and his reason for it ending was the same as my former Master..."I don't have feelings for you and not sure if I ever will". Now, if you're one that can do that fine but I'm needing advice from one's on the emotional end. I ended up putting my heart down in front of them and they took it willingly but eventually they just pretty much gave it back with a simple "I'm sorry". Now I don't even know if the next D/s relationship I have if the Dom will be telling me the truth or not. :/

Next time, don't submit until they are as emotionally invested as you are. I don't play without a relationship.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 4

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 5:51:10 AM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

So pick someone find out ifhe likes you too, date them and build from there. it's not really any different than vanilla dating, in the fact that it's kinky, and vanilla isn't.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to littleone14)

Post #: 5

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:15:32 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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My former owner dude did not love me. I thought I was ok with that but eventually I could not be. It's so much better this time around when love is given in both directions.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 6

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:20:32 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

My former owner dude did not love me. I thought I was ok with that but eventually I could not be. It's so much better this time around when love is given in both directions.

And G*d knows, girl, you deserve it!

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 7

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:26:28 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Now I don't even know if the next D/s relationship I have if the Dom will be telling me the truth or not. :/

In addition to:

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

Next time, don't submit until they are as emotionally invested as you are. I don't play without a relationship.

...pay attention to his actions, not his words. Is he making sex a priority, or getting to know you as a person? Are you vanilla dating or just having kinky sex? Do you know his last name and his address? After you've been seeing each other for a while, has he introduced you to his family and friends?

Men will clearly telegraph whether you are relationship material or NSA fun. Women need to not ignore these messages.

(This is true for both genders but the above was too awkward when I made it gender neutral.)

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 8

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:42:14 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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The doms told you they loved you, then changed their mind down the road? Is that why you can't trust? Or did they tell you the truth, and you didn't want to hear it? Think carefully about the answer to this question.

You need to discover why you committed yourself to more than one person who lied, or more than once didn't hear what the dom was trying to tell you. Both are signs you need to do some work on yourself. Sure, anyone can be lied to, most especially about emotions, but for how long? Usually what people do and what people say don't agree when they are lying.

When it comes to romantic or sexual relationships, it's always important to have reciprocal levels of commitment. It doesn't matter what the agreement is: 'this is a one night stand, don't ever call me' or 'this is a booty call it will never be more' or 'we're friends with benefits' or 'I'd like to fuck you but I have no idea where this is going' all the way to 'I'm in love with you.'

In my experience, females are far more likely to say they don't want or need a relationship, or love, when in fact they do. Men are far more likely to say they want a relationship when really they just want to get laid. Reasons to know where you stand, and to *evaluate* where you stand on a regular basis. So far, I've never met anyone who could successfully do the unrequited love thing; it takes too much of a toll.

Please spend some time analyzing these past relationships so you can learn from them.

_____________________________

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 9

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:46:59 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

Next time, don't submit until they are as emotionally invested as you are. I don't play without a relationship.

THIS!!!

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A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to searching4mysir)

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RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 7:32:44 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

My former owner dude did not love me. I thought I was ok with that but eventually I could not be. It's so much better this time around when love is given in both directions.

And G*d knows, girl, you deserve it!

Aww warm fuzzies here.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 11

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 8:38:11 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I'm going to guess that these relationships moved too fast.

This frequently happens within the D/s BDSM communities. People jump into a power dynamic and kinky sex without really dating and getting to know their partner. Their bodies are flooded with hormones and walls get broken down...and people confuse the tingly genitals with real emotions. After a few months, one or both realize that they don't even like the person they're with.

So, my advice is to slow down, get to know your partner (in real life) and then move into a D/s BDSM relationship when it feels right.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 12

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 8:56:50 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Some people just lie to get their own needs met and its painful. Sometimes they are confused themselves, not in a good place, or just not good people. Sometimes they just don't have the emotional depth needed to value anyone so try not to take it personal but as the other said, really excellent advice is use the past as a learning tool for evaluation, and try not to let it effect you to much. Easier said then done, I know. Sometimes we aren't clear ourselves in the relationship and set ourselves up for disappointment too. I know I have, and I helped create it.

Best wishes on your next relationship!!!!

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 9:11:28 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

Where exactly is it written that in any relationship (vanilla, BDSM, or otherwise) that "love" is a necessary emotion in order to have an on-going relationship? Did I miss something here? Vanilla relationships end all the time because one, or the other, decides they don't love the other (i.e., no longer love, or never loved). Sex, intimacy, sharing and doing things together should not be mistaken for "love".

In 2013, how many people actually wait until someone tells them they "love" them before they start a relationship? Most couples I know, vanilla or BDSM, started with the relationship first. Pledges of love, etc., generally came after, not before the first date. And in many cases not even before the first several months of the relationship. I don't know too many people who profess undying love to someone they've just met. In other words, love will, or will not, evolve over time. And this means, because there are two people involved in a relationship, that both parties might develop love for one another, only one might, or neither will. Isn't this just the way all relationships work? I've never had a relationship where I "loved" the person before the relationship started. It has to evolve, doesn't it? And sometimes it evolves, and sometimes it just doesn't. I don't see that as anyone's fault per se, but simply a reality of the fact that it is possible to have a relationship with someone even when there is not "love". I do not see why on on-going D/s relationship would be any different from a vanilla relationship in this regard. I don't expect a Dominant to pledge undying love to me before I will start a relationship with them, and neither would I pledge undying love to someone who I am still getting to know. The hurdle to start a relationship is different from the hurdle to make a permanent commitment with someone. And this means that many real relationships will end because one or both of the parties are not in "love". This is the natural inherent risk in any and all relationships.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 14

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 9:14:23 AM

Usani

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/15/2013
Status: offline

Thanks for all the advice guys, I will definitely pay attention more next time. And to answer one of your questions yes they were 2 separate relationships at different times and the last one said he loved me then changed his mind, the other one knew how I felt and wanted me to tell him the truth but then when I did it he told me later he doesn't feel the same way.

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 15

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 9:24:20 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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IN this posters case, it sounds like she wants love. IF the man wasn't clear from the beginning, and lead her on, then he is no master. If he was, then an entirely different story for sure. Love is not a requirement for some people, and unfortunately sometimes things don't work out anyway. Such is life.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 16

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 10:36:36 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

IN this posters case, it sounds like she wants love. IF the man wasn't clear from the beginning, and lead her on, then he is no master. If he was, then an entirely different story for sure. Love is not a requirement for some people, and unfortunately sometimes things don't work out anyway. Such is life.

Problem is, feelings are not always clear cut. Without knowing the guy and being present in the relationship myself, I'd have to say that yes, he could have been an ass leading her on by saying that he loved her, or he could have really felt it was true and it turned out it wasn't.

OP - Your profile says they were both long-distance relationships. How often did you see them in person? Long distance relationships are tricky because you're not present often enough. There's jealousy, insecurity, temptation, difficult communication, and just good old-fashioned wishful thinking. When you're with someone often, you see their bad habits and less-than-attractive moments. When you only see each other for one passionate weekend a month, your imagination fills in the gaps and you might have an unrealistic idea of who the other person is. Perhaps you need to give up on long distance.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to chatterbox24)

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RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 10:37:10 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

IN this posters case, it sounds like she wants love. IF the man wasn't clear from the beginning, and lead her on, then he is no master. If he was, then an entirely different story for sure. Love is not a requirement for some people, and unfortunately sometimes things don't work out anyway. Such is life.

I understand that the poster wanted love. My question is whether love can exist before a relationship has started? I have NEVER in my life been in a situation like that. My question is really how do you start a relationship with someone expecting there to be "love" from the very beginning. Most relationships today do not start with "love". I usually date for quite some time before expecting things to evolve to "love". I am just trying to understand if there are people out there who will only start a relationship with someone if they tell them they "love" them? And if that is true, how can you trust anyone who says they "love" you when you haven't even started a relationship? Maybe I don't understand the situation the poster was in. Personally I would not trust anyone, male or female, who said they loved me the first time we met for coffee. I would expect to have to be involved with someone for a period of time before expecting either of us to have or acknowledge true feelings of "love" towards each other. Lust, of course, is something entirely different. I certainly expect people who start dating, in either the vanilla or the BDSM world, to be attracted to each other. But where is it written that being attracted to someone, and even caring about them is the same as "love". In my books, it's not the same thing at all.

For everyone out there who wants "love" in their relationship, how do you determine your partner "loves" you before the relationship has even started?? This does not seem possible to me.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 18

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 10:43:21 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
Lust, of course, is something entirely different.

I think this is the main culprit, here. It confuses people. Combine that with the over romanticized notions spouted on some of the profiles...and you have tingly genitals and being in love with the idea of being in love being confused for real emotions and causing premature commitments.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 19

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 10:50:25 AM

getoutnow

Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline

Yeah, next time if you want something to work out. Ensure first that the other partner has the same level of invested feelings before moving foward.

I don't play with anyone casually or at the early stages now. There is no lust for me. Been there, done that and worn the t-shirt. I guess having slept with women on 3 continents from many countries pretty much gets the blue-balls syndrome out of the way, that all the other guys have out there.

I much prefer dating someone who looks hot and also has a great personality.

Seems to me the guys were just seeing you as there was nothing else going on. They never really ever saw themselves you with long term hence you have been released.

I never ever play with someone who I could never see as a potential partner. Ever.

< Message edited by getoutnow -- 9/16/2013 10:51:00 AM >

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 20

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