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RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 10:53:11 AM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
Lust, of course, is something entirely different.

I think this is the main culprit, here. It confuses people. Combine that with the over romanticized notions spouted on some of the profiles...and you have tingly genitals and being in love with the idea of being in love being confused for real emotions and causing premature commitments.

Thanks Oside. I think, as a rule of thumb, people should assume "love" only comes later on in a relationship. In other words, if one is easily confused by feelings of lust and the infatuation that comes from a new relationship, one should make a promise to oneself not to assume it is love until some period of time in the future. I would suggest 18 months to 2 years from the start of a relationship as it has been scientifically demonstrated that that is roughly when feelings of infatuation start to wane.

I understand we have all had our hearts broken at some point in our lives. This is just the risk we take of being willing to be involved with other human beings. There is, at this current point in time, no predictor or guarantee that lust/romance/infatuation will turn into actual "love". Other than embarking on relationships and taking one's chances, I see no other solution to this. One can't find love if one is not willing to try. But being willing to try means sometimes someone is going to get hurt. This is the world of relationships.

My best to the original poster. Trust me, there is a reason so many movies and songs are written about break-ups.....Be well.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 21

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 11:04:56 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
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quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

Yeah, next time if you want something to work out. Ensure first that the other partner has the same level of invested feelings before moving foward.

I don't play with anyone casually or at the early stages now. There is no lust for me. Been there, done that and worn the t-shirt. I guess having slept with women on 3 continents from many countries pretty much gets the blue-balls syndrome out of the way, that all the other guys have out there.

I much prefer dating someone who looks hot and also has a great personality.

Seems to me the guys were just seeing you as there was nothing else going on. They never really ever saw themselves you with long term hence you have been released.

I never ever play with someone who I could never see as a potential partner. Ever.

This is interesting to me. Again, my question would be how can you assume that even if the other partner has the same level of invested feelings that those feelings will evolve to "love". Also, how does one equate seeing someone as a potential partner with "love". These all seem like different constructs to me. I can meet someone who I know has relationship potential and could be a potential life partner for me (but many of these things are things that reflect basic things you learn about someone within the first few weeks of knowing someone - looks, baseline personality, intelligence, etc.) I do not see the correlation between life partner potential and "love" - there are no guarantees that just because two people seem to match up in terms of wants and desires that this will result in the ever elusive mutual "love". Again, "love", as I understand and have experienced the construct, is something that happens over time to two people. It is not the simple result of someone matching a certain set of characteristics that the other is looking for. If that were the case we could all hire a professional matchmaker and be done.

For the record, I have NEVER had a relationship with someone with whom I did not see life partner potential. But in many cases "love" does not necessarily evolve. Also, for the record, I have broken more hearts than have had my heart broken. In other words, just choosing someone based on life partner potential does not mean I will actually develop "love" for them. Again, these seem like different constructs to me.

_____________________________

~ ftp

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Post #: 22

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 11:09:51 AM

getoutnow

Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

This is interesting to me. Again, my question would be how can you assume that even if the other partner has the same level of invested feelings that those feelings will evolve to "love".

Unfortunately, you can never know if attraction/lust will lead to love. Sometimes you just have to give your heart over and let it be crushed if that person decides not to love you back, if indeed you are in love with them.

What I meant with same level of feelings. It could be merely something as simple as both of you have just turned serious and not seeing other people or one of you always spends long weekends with the other.

Relationships can be really fickle. One day you could be on cloud nine and then something happens and its over.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 23

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 12:32:46 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
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quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

This is interesting to me. Again, my question would be how can you assume that even if the other partner has the same level of invested feelings that those feelings will evolve to "love".

Unfortunately, you can never know if attraction/lust will lead to love. Sometimes you just have to give your heart over and let it be crushed if that person decides not to love you back, if indeed you are in love with them.

What I meant with same level of feelings. It could be merely something as simple as both of you have just turned serious and not seeing other people or one of you always spends long weekends with the other.

Relationships can be really fickle. One day you could be on cloud nine and then something happens and its over.

Okay, thanks for clarifying. I agree that the "feelings" that people have can turn on a dime. But I would say that "love" when it really happens, does not change so easily or quickly. The challenge is finding the one who has life partner potential AND where mutual love develops. It is my belief that when mutual "love" really exists it does not ever go away (even if two people choose to not be together). Anyone who has experienced "love" knows what I mean by this. Unfortunately, sometimes mutual love is, in and of itself, not always enough. Good heavens, the more I write I'm starting to wonder how any of us falls in love and keeps love at all....lol....

_____________________________

~ ftp

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Post #: 24

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 12:34:49 PM

getoutnow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
Okay, thanks for clarifying. I agree that the "feelings" that people have can turn on a dime. But I would say that "love" when it really happens, does not change so easily or quickly. The challenge is finding the one who has life partner potential AND where mutual love develops. It is my belief that when mutual "love" really exists it does not ever go away (even if two people choose to not be together). Anyone who has experienced "love" knows what I mean by this. Unfortunately, sometimes mutual love is, in and of itself, not always enough. Good heavens, the more I write I'm starting to wonder how any of us falls in love and keeps love at all....lol....

Completely agree here 100%.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 25

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 12:56:31 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I don't understand why someone who knows they need this to a full relationship with love and caring would even agree to enter into it without that already being on the table. Fuck buddies, sure. But submitting to someone when you know you will come to need them to love you and you love them, while being aware that they do not return your feelings? It makes no sense to me.

Next time don't submit unless what you need is already there. Be honest about it.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to getoutnow)

Post #: 26

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 1:07:49 PM

MasterCaneman

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I'm going to guess that these relationships moved too fast.

This frequently happens within the D/s BDSM communities. People jump into a power dynamic and kinky sex without really dating and getting to know their partner. Their bodies are flooded with hormones and walls get broken down...and people confuse the tingly genitals with real emotions. After a few months, one or both realize that they don't even like the person they're with.

So, my advice is to slow down, get to know your partner (in real life) and then move into a D/s BDSM relationship when it feels right.

That describes every one of my in-scene relationships. Just change months to weeks and it's dead-on. Not that I regret it-I was young and wild, and it didn't matter all that much to me. We had fun, and when it stopped being fun, we'd find new playmates. Not the romantic ideal, but it went both ways. Not healthy in the long-term, but if you're only in it for the moment, it was perfect. Only the last one encroached on that line of 'real' relationship, but there was too much going against it happening.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 27

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 3:14:01 PM

sunshinemiss

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To the OP...
It is harsh, and the first time I heard it, my little heart said, "ouch", but it has since become a guiding beacon in many areas of my life.

Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Post #: 28

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 4:05:57 PM

SweetAnise

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Joined: 8/23/2013
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To the OP you need to really think about your choice of men. Period. Men are men whether dominants, submissives, or vanilla. You said this happened to you twice...this means you will continue to have relationships like this until you stop choosing the wrong men and getting emotionally involved too quickly. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you do not think about your heart, spirit, and mind. The man may be an a**hole but you're picking them.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 29

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 5:51:39 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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FR:

I think some excellent points have been made that when you first meet a person, you don't know if you love them, you don't know their character, you don't know how the two of you will mesh in terms of sharing a life together. Those are all things you learn with time. We often tell people to take it slow, but what does that mean, exactly?

In order to have a relationship, you have to enter into it without knowing those things. You have to make that leap of faith that the potential is there. The thing is, I think too many people move forward with their emotions based on potential. I've done it, and it was a mistake.

So going slow means taking care not to get overly involved with someone you don't know well, and that is impossible for those people who are needy for love. Taking it slow means being enough of your own person you can hold back emotionally until you know if the person's potential is actual.

Yes, it's hard. You can fall crazy in lust and lose your head. But as others have stated, that's not love, it's lust. Learn to tell the difference.

ETA: I forgot to add, it's perfectly fine when you're first getting to know someone to not know or be sure of how you feel. It's perfectly fine to have a long getting to know period where your relationship is not carved in stone.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 9/16/2013 5:53:10 PM >

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Post #: 30

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 5:56:48 PM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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I think I love you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

how do you start a relationship with someone expecting there to be "love" from the very beginning. Most relationships today do not start with "love". I usually date for quite some time before expecting things to evolve to "love". I am just trying to understand if there are people out there who will only start a relationship with someone if they tell them they "love" them? And if that is true, how can you trust anyone who says they "love" you when you haven't even started a relationship?

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 31

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:04:04 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I think some excellent points have been made that when you first meet a person, you don't know if you love them, you don't know their character, you don't know how the two of you will mesh in terms of sharing a life together. Those are all things you learn with time. We often tell people to take it slow, but what does that mean, exactly?

For me, taking it slow meant we spent a few months hanging out together and just being our natural selves together - no pretense. He was showing me who he is and I was showing him who I am, and in the meantime, we enjoyed each other's company. We let the rest evolve in its own time. Love came a bit later. But then we both didn't jump in with a pre-set decision that "this is it", nor did we try to fit the other person into our own visions of what an awesome partner would look like.

So yeah, there was time and some emotion invested, but I went into it figuring if it didn't work out, it didn't work out. Let him show me who he is, and if we mesh, then awesome! And if we don't, we move on.

I didn't see anyone saying love had to occur before a relationship begins, so fucktoy your posts kind of confused me, but for myself, we were interested in creating a relationship together, and together we explored that. It worked out for us. If it didn't, we'd have moved on (and there were a couple of times when we considered that).

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 32

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:13:06 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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When will people learn?

Date, go out, talk to each other, court one another, go out and have fun together (Not sex and not play!). You know, the old fashioned dating really isn't so old fashioned and it really does work.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 33

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 6:27:13 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I didn't see anyone saying love had to occur before a relationship begins, so fucktoy your posts kind of confused me, but for myself, we were interested in creating a relationship together, and together we explored that. It worked out for us. If it didn't, we'd have moved on (and there were a couple of times when we considered that).

I was responding to the Original Poster and the title of this thread - "A D/s relationship with no love". I felt the OP should have no expectation that with a D/s relationship that there should be love from the outset. In other words, that relationships often, if not always, begin and exist before love starts. So therefore, when one party ends it by saying "I don't have feelings for you and not sure if I ever will", as the OP stated, this does not strike me as unusual or weird, but simply a sad situation where "love" did not evolve. This is no one's fault. I was certainly not commenting in any of my posts about your relationship, or anyone else's other than the OP's and other posters who I specifically responded to. If I responded to one of your prior posts, apologies, but I didn't intend to do that.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 34

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 8:38:00 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I didn't see anyone saying love had to occur before a relationship begins, so fucktoy your posts kind of confused me, but for myself, we were interested in creating a relationship together, and together we explored that. It worked out for us. If it didn't, we'd have moved on (and there were a couple of times when we considered that).

I was responding to the Original Poster and the title of this thread - "A D/s relationship with no love". I felt the OP should have no expectation that with a D/s relationship that there should be love from the outset. In other words, that relationships often, if not always, begin and exist before love starts. So therefore, when one party ends it by saying "I don't have feelings for you and not sure if I ever will", as the OP stated, this does not strike me as unusual or weird, but simply a sad situation where "love" did not evolve. This is no one's fault. I was certainly not commenting in any of my posts about your relationship, or anyone else's other than the OP's and other posters who I specifically responded to. If I responded to one of your prior posts, apologies, but I didn't intend to do that.

Oh I figured that's who you were responding to, I just didn't get where the OP was expecting love before the relationship existed. I thought she was asking how people could have relationships without love in them (they can, it's just not for everyone). We saw things from different angles, no worries.

I agree with you - love may or may not come when two people are getting to know each other. I myself had made a commitment to myself that I would not be in another relationship with someone who didn't love me, so if the Mister hadn't come to love me, I would have ended things at some point. Love isn't guaranteed, that's for sure, but we can decide if it's a need for us or not.

You didn't respond to a post of mine. I just wasn't seeing what you were speaking of, so I mentioned that it confused me. No apologies necessary - it's a good discussion.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 35

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/16/2013 9:58:27 PM

sexyred1

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Of course it's possible to have a D/s relationship or any intimate relationship without love.

It's up to you to decide if that is ok for you.

Just don't get too attached to anyone too soon and only judge based on actions, never words.

There is no guarantee that any relationship, love or not, will work out, so make sure you are protecting yourself.

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 36

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/17/2013 9:06:53 AM

Dyfrynt

Posts: 202
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Usani, do you understand that you have the right, indeed the responsibility to tell a potential Dom that you are looking for a relationship based on love? And by that I mean you should tell them this when a new relationship seems to be developing into one that could be significant. Too many submissives are under the false assumption that being submissive means they can't talk about their needs.

You absolutely have to talk about your needs, as well as listen to his. How else will you be able to tell if you are compatible.

Doing this will not guarantee that you won't get "taken" (in all the wrong ways!) again. But if you have never told a potential Dom what you need, that is the first step.

(in reply to getoutnow)

Post #: 37

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/17/2013 9:46:46 AM

thishereboi

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I would not be in a relationship without it. That is part of the package for me. I don't understand why they would have entered a relationship if they didn't have feeling for you. You might as well go to a party and just play with random strangers.

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Post #: 38

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/17/2013 11:26:30 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Usani
Is this even possible, if so how??

To answer this original questions, yes, it's entirely possible because D/s can be based on a variety of things that have nothing to do with romantic love. Service, obedience, and authority based dynamics come immediately to mind.

~~~~~

I've been reading this thread for a while now and it's sparked some thoughts. I think a large majority of folks in D/s dynamics prefer for romantic love to be a part of the relationship these days. Nothing wrong with that or with any preference that a person has when it comes to their own lives.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Usani
Thanks for all the advice guys, I will definitely pay attention more next time. And to answer one of your questions yes they were 2 separate relationships at different times and the last one said he loved me then changed his mind, the other one knew how I felt and wanted me to tell him the truth but then when I did it he told me later he doesn't feel the same way.

I'm actually thinking this is closer to the truth. I think the possibility exists that you greatly misread what you were being told about levels and/or types of affection. Having love for a person doesn't necessarily equate to a person being *in* love. There's a huge difference between emotional attachment (which is also defined as love) and a romantic feeling towards them. To make it more clear, you love your family, you love your friends, and all kinds of other ways that the word "love" gets used, but you're not "in love" with them.

I have a personal theory that some folks on the s side of the slash allow themselves to believe what their own emotions are telling them, rather than listening to what they are actually being told. This isn't always the fault of the Dominant, and from personal experience, I'm certainly not going to pin it on a man vrs woman thing. For literally years, I said repeatedly that I was not "in love" and that there was no romantic component during a certain dynamic, and everybody heard it, except for the other person, himself.

What I would suggest that you do is, not just improve your assessment of partners, but also look at how you respond to other relationships in your life. (You, being the common denominator in all of your relationships, including friends, family, and so on.) Are they imbalanced in emotional attachment as well? If so, you may have some work to do as to why you put more emotional investment into relationships that is not reciprocated.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Usani)

Post #: 39

RE: A D/s relationship with no love? - 9/20/2013 8:39:08 AM

barelytrained

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great answers and a great question. Thank you for posting.

(in reply to getoutnow)

Post #: 40

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