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Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 2:53:32 PM   
MVenora


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/2/2013
Status: offline 		Hello everyone.
I need advice on how I should lead a relationship (both vanilla and bdsm) with My husband who is being loaned out in a HEALTHY way...
We have a daughter, we are building a family and plus bdsm- it's very hard to separate everything


I have been in the scene for a few years with My husband who is a switch (as well as I, but currently a Domme for the past 2 years). We both are in the field and experienced a lot in bdsm.
A few months ago he came out with an idea to search for a Mistress to be trained by. Another Mistress.
At first and honestly I felt hurt, because he didn't chose Me, and we were just starting to experience a deeper bdsm life (other than the one concerning our bedroom).
This is very shitty I must say and it sounds like Bold and Beautiful but oh well...I will be very frank:

August 2012- My husband talks with his ex who is abroad and as I discover their conversations I find out, he told her "she's the woman of his life". I confront him about it. He breaks my heart, I hate him and don't know why give him another chance. BTW. Im completely losing trust to this guy

January 2013- I start talking with my close friend from college whom I didnt see for a while and we bond. I tell my husband about the relationship, he suggest I should make him my slave. Im opposite in the beginning but he keeps putting ideas in my head. I end up having rough sex with a guy a few times, with no bdsm relations and my husband know about anything and of course IS NOT JEALOUS or it DOESNT BOTHER HIM. My fling ends when I start to have too much feelings for the guy.

June 2013- husband introduces idea of him finding a sub. Then he sees how uncomfortable I am with this so he switches to be a trainee to a Mistress. I AM REALLY TRYING TO BE COOL ABOUT IT. I have a feeling since I had a fling he has a right too.

July 2013- He finds a Mistress. Husband wants me involved in the beginning but not too much. Says he does it for the knowledge, mental bdsm and experience. Not only for physical. I AM DEEPLY PISSED OFF he didnt ask Me to be his Mistress. But whatever- fuck him. Anyway. We meet the Lady, she is very professional, has a common sense, respected Me as one of her own, didnt treat Me worse. She began to give husband tasks regarding My person. He didnt like it. He wanted Me out.

I look for a sub Myself, to help Me cope through this experience and also because I want experience too.
I feel everything would be Ok if we (Me and husband) have more communication.
I thought really with the feelings. I am not jealous for other Mistress.
BUT it does piss Me off that she makes him happy and I can't. ALSO note: he doesnt want to have and D/s relations for the time of his training with Me. Says its not recommended.

I finally accepted the fact he has a Mistress.
But there is a lot of tension at home. I came to ignore him and be kind of indifferent about his person in whole.
I will not Myself be hurt by this scumbag, and I truly feel like all man are so pathetic and worthless.
I spit on them.
He made me fill all this.

If I would be single and doing this with a boyfriend I wouldnt mind. BUT this is my husband and I loved him and we have family/child together. Its tough to let it all go. He tells me relax, loosen up, youre taking it too serious.

Yesterday he had a session of some sort, but he didnt want to tell me details. His eyes were "drunk" - it really did hurt me a lot that he gets these fabulous feelings from others.


NOW, when we argue he tells me there s no fun with me anymore, and he cannot be excited with me anymore. He tells me Im ruingin our relationship with my attitude and the fact Im mean (which is true, but thats my defense mechanism I feel hurt so I want him to suffer too) - thats terrible i know.
He tells me we can stop this at any time if I dont feel right about this, but I know that if I do and hes already deep into it, he will always feel the hunger and he will always want to go back somehow.

Im in deep shit.

If Id be kidless, I would leave his sorry ass! I think he is manipulating me and pushing things too fast.

I would like to hear some opinions and similar stories expamples. I really need to make this work and see what should I do to make this healthy.



thanks in advance
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 2:56:37 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Oh, yeah...sounds totally healthy.

Let me ask you: If this were a vanilla relationship would you tolerate this behavior?

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(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 3:13:16 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		I got about half way thru the story... too much drama for me. Call phil or oprah. Stay tuned

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RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 4:00:39 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Geez. You're the Domme, right? It sounds like your husband is running everything, and you're just agreeing with it all.

Okay. You're mono and your husband is poly. You have an issue with that.

I'd recommend telling him that the two of you are now officially monogamous going forward. That could break up your marriage. But you won't have the pain and drama you now have.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 4:05:26 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

NOW, when we argue he tells me there s no fun with me anymore, and he cannot be excited with me anymore. He tells me Im ruingin our relationship with my attitude and the fact Im mean (which is true, but thats my defense mechanism I feel hurt so I want him to suffer too) - thats terrible i know.
He tells me we can stop this at any time if I dont feel right about this, but I know that if I do and hes already deep into it, he will always feel the hunger and he will always want to go back somehow.

Im in deep shit.

If Id be kidless, I would leave his sorry ass! I think he is manipulating me and pushing things too fast.

I would like to hear some opinions and similar stories expamples. I really need to make this work and see what should I do to make this healthy.


You can't do anything to make this mess healthy. An ethical open relationship/polyamory does not look anything like what you've described. This relationship is doomed. Ignore the people who are about to tell you to find a kink-friendly therapist and go straight for the divorce lawyer.

(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 4:07:53 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

You're the Domme, right? It sounds like your husband is running everything, and you're just agreeing with it all.

She may be a Domme, but she's not his Domme.

quote:

Okay. You're mono and your husband is poly. You have an issue with that.

I'd recommend telling him that the two of you are now officially monogamous going forward. That could break up your marriage. But you won't have the pain and drama you now have.

Sure, worth a try, if only for the OP to attempt to regain a sense of control and feel like she tried to make it work.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 9/16/2013 4:13:08 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 4:11:40 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Two words. Marriage counseling.


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(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 4:21:08 PM   
SweetAnise


Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		Honestly your man needs to be thrown out so his new Mistress can take care of him. You husband has said he wants to cheat with or without you or respecting your feelings. Why would you put up with this? Sounds like your man has you wrapped around his finger. You said if you were not kidless you would leave. Many strong independent women take their children and go on to live wonderful and happy lives. You deserve better I don't think you have woken up to that fact. Go read the book Ditch That Jerk and then do just that!

< Message edited by SweetAnise -- 9/16/2013 4:25:46 PM >

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 4:26:23 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I got a few sentences in and stopped...what a mess. Way too much drama. What the hell are you all thinking? Is everything you all do related to your genitals? I feel sorry for the child.

(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 5:41:06 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Honestly...you all are doing an elaborate version of "tit for tat" & calling it BDSM.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 5:47:55 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		You are engaged in a war that no one can possibly win.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5AjOavnjVU

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(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 5:56:33 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		He's bored with you. He's found someone else that scratches his itch.

You two need marriage counseling ASAP.



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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 6:12:55 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline 		Sorry to say but your marriage is almost dead. That's how it sounds to me.

There seems to be no more intimacy between both of you. He's wanting anyone, mistress, slave whoever. Everyone except you. It pisses you off sure, but you know even if a tranny knocked on your door he'd be wanting to fuck her.

Seeing as you slept with someone else and he didn't care, re-enforces this notion. A man who was in-love with you, would have been deeply hurt. If it was me, I would have kicked your sorry ass out and sued for custody of the kid.

Moving on to your last part. You can't leave him because you have a kid? Well, I suggest putting things into motion, better job, another place, etc, etc and leave his sorry ass. Sue him and then get alimony from him. That'll teach him for messing you around like him.

Sounds like a dream man you have there lol. Typical "loser" wannabe Dom. I say that because he seems to be controlling things right now.

He's not a switch, seems to me someone who just wants to get laid. Anyway and anyhow.

< Message edited by getoutnow -- 9/16/2013 6:13:39 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 6:14:07 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You say he is being loaned out in a healthy way. No he's not. There is nothing healthy about your relationship. How could it be healthy?

You have lied and said him having a mistress was okay with you, when it's not. You chose not to be true to yourself to keep him. I understand he's the father of your child, but can you see how wrong that is?

Speaking of wrong, you cheated on him, b/c you felt bad about what he is doing with his mistress. It's only a matter of time before you throw that in his face.

I agree you two need counseling, but that only works if you're willing to be honest. Are you?







_____________________________



(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 6:32:41 PM   
NiceAnimal


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/6/2013
Status: offline 		Boy what a mess.

What happened to communication? If this all has felt so wrong the whole time, why not make that clear?

It sounds like you've been trying to be "cool" with all this for some reason, and it didn't work. Not exactly a one way street either, so now you have guilt on top of anger. Life doesn't revolve around sex, human connection is far more important.

Either you need to talk about your feelings in professional marriage counselling, and try and re-establish a bond in a very concious way, or you need to break up. I can't advise which based on an internet post, but I think you should take this all more seriously than you have been.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 7:17:54 PM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		If you're both okay with outside relationships, that's one thing, but it really doesn't sound like you are okay with it.  

I'm not sure how much you've talked with him, effectively, about your feelings but that would be my first step. 
Second step, couples therapy. 
Third step, if nothing is resolved, think about other options like divorce or a separation of sorts. 

When my husband stops caring about our relationship needs and caring only about his needs, it's over. 

I'm all for families staying together for the children, but there comes a point when the environment becomes toxic and paints a false picture of a healthy relationship.



(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 8:32:10 PM   
MVenora


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/2/2013
Status: offline 		No, I would not tolerate it in vanilla relationship. But isn't that why you have to separate the bdsm and vanilla? and be able to differentiate ?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 9:02:37 PM   
MVenora


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/2/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you for all the advice although I appreciate, I don't understand why some of you tell me to get divorce. I've come to love this guy and even though I'm a Domme, I'm also a human being with feelings. Despite the bdsm lifestyle, we are also a regular marriage with flaws and strengths I know he cares for me. Im not trying to justify him or anything I just know that its very hard to make an opinion and give such drastic suggestions if you dont know the exact situation and if you are NOT IN the relationship. This situation has been going for the past few months and I just took the worsts bits and put them in few paragraphs.
There was a time during this " arrangement" where everything was perfect and that was the time, I was involved in a bigger way and was participating in his training.

BUT I do agree with the fact that it looks like he is wrapping me around his finger. I definitely do not enjoy it. And sometimes I have a feeling like he is manipulating me and pushing things too fast for me. Thats why I turned for help and suggestions to make this healthy. NOT BRAKE UP.

And thats why I think I have to built my own life without him interfering. Its a vicious circle though.
I push myself away, trying to be indifferent while he is trying to come closer to me.

(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 9:20:43 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MVenora
No, I would not tolerate it in vanilla relationship. But isn't that why you have to separate the bdsm and vanilla? and be able to differentiate ?

You have to separate the BDSM from the vanilla? Huh... I don't. I wouldn't even know how to. I am dominant. Carol is submissive. Those aren't BDSM labels. They are simply facts of life that were true long before we ran into BDSM. We are vanilla in our sexual tastes. I lead and she follows because that's how we are. What would I be differentiating from what?

_____________________________

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(in reply to MVenora)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 9/16/2013 9:33:02 PM   
MVenora


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/2/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

You say he is being loaned out in a healthy way. No he's not. There is nothing healthy about your relationship. How could it be healthy?

You have lied and said him having a mistress was okay with you, when it's not. You chose not to be true to yourself to keep him. I understand he's the father of your child, but can you see how wrong that is?

Speaking of wrong, you cheated on him, b/c you felt bad about what he is doing with his mistress. It's only a matter of time before you throw that in his face.

I agree you two need counseling, but that only works if you're willing to be honest. Are you?










Thank you Chatte.
I'm willing to be honest and stop making vicious remarks about his training... this is also what creates tension between us.... btw. I truly dont know whether he'd be willing to go to the counseling. He thinks Im taking it too seriously and its only his training.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 20
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