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online vs real - 9/24/2013 8:26:51 AM

letssee4real

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/19/2013
Status: offline

I met some online I thought it would turn into more. He fulfilled my need to follow he gave me structure but I need the sexual aspect to. That is not possible with him. How do I move forward without still feeling like I still belong to him. He is a good guy but I need more but I keep going back online. I don't know how to break away and find the one I truly need.

Post #: 1

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 8:31:33 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

You're kidding... right?

Since this was online, you have never met him and yet you feel like you belong to him? That makes no sense whatsoever.

My suggestion is to turn off your computer, get involved in your local scene and possibly meet someone that way.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to letssee4real)

Post #: 2

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 8:35:33 AM

letssee4real

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/19/2013
Status: offline

How do you find out about local scenes? Yes it was real I don't know that belong to him was correct but I do miss chatting with him and his calmness.

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 3

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 8:39:49 AM

SlipSlidingAway

Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

Welcome...

While most won't understand it, it felt real to you. So, allow yourself the time to look it at if for what it was. Nothing wrong with grieving something the you perceive that you lost. At the same time? Remind yourself that you both need, and deserve, more. Don't let others put you down, or make you feel bad about your past choices. It was a learning experience and while the physical aspect was missing, the emotional parts were real.

However, allowing yourself to be that emotionally vested in a relationship where you could not touch the other person seldom ends well. When you are ready? Get out locally, attend munches, meet people in your local community. This way, when you DO find someone, they can offer you all the parts of a relationship that you need. And, I suspect, that in and of itself, will help you understand that you no longer "belong" to the online person the way you once believe you did.

Best of everything to you.

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

(in reply to letssee4real)

Post #: 4

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 8:40:51 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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Read this: http://www.collarchat.com/m_4550013/tm.htm and perhaps try to accept the reality: until you meet someone face to face, no matter how real it may seem, you don't know them and they are a stranger.

If you want a complete relationship, that is not an unreasonable want.

But don't waste your time on an online relationship, expecting it will change.
Be true to yourself, and patient.
It took 18 months for my one to find me here.
You have been here a week.

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgsmichigan.html#MN

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to letssee4real)

Post #: 5

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 8:52:57 AM

letssee4real

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/19/2013
Status: offline

Thank you that is well written and great. Its nice to know that people can understand how and quickly you can fall. Thank you for the feed back.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 6

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 10:17:14 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

So, how can you be owned by someone you don't really know?

[My] Master kind of gets a chuckle out of my posting my fairly recently enlightened opinions on these types of threads.
You see, before I met Him, I had online involvements, and they seemed very real at the time.

And yet, there were always holes, which to varying degrees I would spackle.
The cracks didn't go away, but I couldn't see them anymore, unless I examined them closely...
and mostly, I didn't want to.

Red flags are nearly always there.
We just don't always choose to see them or recognise them.

I know what it is like to crave belonging-ness.
Loneliness is a pretty powerful motivator.

My experience has taught me that as messy as real is it is so much better than the illusion of on-line perfection.
Good for you, for realising so quickly that you need more than what online can possibly give you.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to letssee4real)

Post #: 7

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 10:26:19 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Rip off the bandaid and get it over with. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself for a while - break ups, even when you know it's for the best, are sucky.

And then, take inventory of what you've learnt and go find someone who does fit.

How long were you talking to him?

Now you know two things about yourself: 1) Online doesn't fulfill your needs and 2) Online makes you feel emotionally invested which hurts in the end. If I were you, I'd learn from this that I shouldn't agree to submit to anyone online. Perhaps make a personal rule that you meet someone face-to-face within, say, three weeks of 'meeting' online. Then you can find out quickly if there is any chemistry in person before you get attached, and the relationship can then progress in person and meet your needs. Until that meeting happens, no following orders, no calling anyone sir etc. Just two people having a friendly chat to see if they'd like to go on a date together.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to letssee4real)

Post #: 8

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 10:27:40 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

You're kidding... right?

Since this was online, you have never met him and yet you feel like you belong to him? That makes no sense whatsoever.

My suggestion is to turn off your computer, get involved in your local scene and possibly meet someone that way.

Wow very insensitive. 99% of D/s is MENTAL...meaning it is extremely easy to 'feel' as if you belong to someone even if it IS online. Is it the same thing...of course not. But it does not make it any less valid.

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 9

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 10:34:46 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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Sorry to reply twice right in a row but... I have just read your journal entry. Did you meet this guy on another site or have you had a previous account here? Because the way it reads, it sounds like within 5 days of being online you found someone, thought he was your dream guy, submitted to him, performed sex acts on camera, underwent punishment sessions, broke up and are devastated. As a casual observer.... that sounds like a lot of drama, and some pretty poor decision making for a woman in her thirties.

I have nothing against online relationships as such - my husband and I met online and were extreme long-distance, and didn't meet for some time. I know how real it can be. But I also know, by the same measure, how UNreal it can be. No matter how honest you both are some things are just different in the flesh. I can't imagine going through such a storm of emotions over someone I had spent four days with in the flesh, let along someone I only know online.

IF you in fact knew him much longer and I have misunderstood, then I apologize (and also recommend you lose the journal entry, I won't be the only person who is put off). IF you have only known him a few days, then I'm also going to recommend you take some time off to think about why you jumped into a serious relationship at the drop of a hat. It's something I might expect from a naive 18 year old, not a full grown woman. BDSM relationships are still relationships. You still need to get to know each other and make sensible choices. Be honest with yourself. Without the kink labels, would you have made the same choices with a vanilla man?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 10

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 10:58:43 AM

letssee4real

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/19/2013
Status: offline

No we met before. I did not move that quickly. It was a longer relationship with him. I am new to this site not to him.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 11

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 11:52:50 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

OK, phew. Sorry to think the worst but sadly, we do have people come in with more or less that scenario from time to time.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to letssee4real)

Post #: 12

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 12:44:35 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker

Wow very insensitive. 99% of D/s is MENTAL...meaning it is extremely easy to 'feel' as if you belong to someone even if it IS online. Is it the same thing...of course not. But it does not make it any less valid.

First of all, it was not insensitive, it was honest.

Second, insensitivity is not a quality that I possess, I do feel things very deeply a lot of the time.

Third, I find the whole dominance over the Internet to be quite lacking of substance. Of course I understand that people CAN feel like they belong to someone that way, but do they really "belong" to them or is it more a feeling the person wants to believe than an actuality? I would not profess to have someone "belong" to me until I could pull their hair and look them directly in their eyes and tell them that they were mine. Kind of impossible to do that electronically unless you have already met and you are continuing what you started face to face... that is different.

Fourth, it does make it less valid for the reasons stated above.

Fifth, my advice was to turn the computer off which was the very best advice to give if she cannot control herself and she continues to return to this online person. This will give her a chance to not be tempted to contact them, and it will give her a chance to begin to move on with her life and possibly find someone face to face. All of which others have said but I am "insensitive" to the OP.

Sixth, click around in my posting history. Ignore my attempts at humor and focus on where I am actually helping people. I will never apologize for being blunt, but some people need the truth rather than being coddled and have sympathy slathered all over them. I am not like that. Can I be sympathetic and understand someones feelings? You tell me. I take my time with a lot of the answers I give and put a lot of thought into things, are these the actions of an insensitive person? Again, you tell me.

Finally, it is perfectly OK for you to think that I am some insensitive lout who just shoots their mouth off and has no regard for the fact that there is another human on the other side of the screen. If that is what you want to think of me, that is fine. You may want to do what I suggest and research my posts before you judge me too harshly. However you choose to view me, I respect your decision.

And to the OP, I apologize if you thought my answer was insensitive. It certainly was not my intent.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 13

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 1:39:44 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

If I didn't get the sense that continuing to see him would be emotionally unhealthy for you, I'd say continue doing so until you do find someone in the flesh, so to speak. If you are both fulfilling a need for each other, even if there are limits, what's the issue? Be up front with him and let him know that you are looking of course, because, even if some people think it's silly that you are so invested in someone you met online, he still deserves an amount of respect equal to what you have emotionally invested in him.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to letssee4real)

Post #: 14

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 2:22:18 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

If I didn't get the sense that continuing to see him would be emotionally unhealthy for you, I'd say continue doing so until you do find someone in the flesh, so to speak. If you are both fulfilling a need for each other, even if there are limits, what's the issue?

She has clearly stated that she wants the sexual aspect with him and that it is not possible with him for whatever reason. She obviously wants and seeks more and is not being fulfilled to the level she desires. To continue with this person would be to prevent her from seeking someone who meets her needs rather than continuing a charade that she knows can go no further. Perhaps what is causing her to continue to go back to him is a sense of loyalty which is admirable, but pointless if this dynamic is not working for her.

quote:

Be up front with him and let him know that you are looking of course, because, even if some people think it's silly that you are so invested in someone you met online, he still deserves an amount of respect equal to what you have emotionally invested in him.

While I cannot sit here and say that he doesn't deserve respect, I cannot agree that he is owed respect out of obligation. If she believes that she can tell him she is moving on without being seduced into continuing the relationship, then this is fine. If she cannot do so then it would be better to drop this and begin to seek what she wants.

quote:

If I didn't get the sense that continuing to see him would be emotionally unhealthy for you

If you can sense that continuing to see him would be emotionally unhealthy for her, then why would you advise her to to keep going back?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 15

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 2:38:18 PM

letssee4real

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/19/2013
Status: offline

To Gauge: I do not think you're insenative I thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your opinion.

I truly appreciate all the feedback. It’s odd and hard to understand how you can feel so connected to IM or a phone call. But yes I need more I need to turn off the computer and live and find my happiness. I get and understand that I have learned a lot from this experience. That being what I felt/feel for him was very real but I need more so I will find that. I will be selective and take my time. To find my happiness.

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 16

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 3:26:19 PM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

You're kidding... right?

The feeling I got when I read this was, "Really? You have to be kidding or are one of the stupidest people I have come across."

quote:

Since this was online, you have never met him and yet you feel like you belong to him? That makes no sense whatsoever.

I read this as, "The fact that you met him online and have not seen him means that it is impossible for you to feel like you belong to him. It makes no sense whatsoever because this is NOT the TRUE way to do things.

Then you say

quote:

Of course I understand that people CAN feel like they belong to someone that way

so above you say that feeling like you belong to someone that you met online and it makes no sense then here you contradict it and you do understand therefore it does make sense because you can wrap your mind around it.

Just because you don't do it that way, doesn't make the way someone else does thing of less value and they should not be mocked for it.

And just let me mention something about online (and for the record here just so we are clear...I do have a partner we met offline right in front of my house as a matter of fact and if I found myself single again, let me say I would probably not look online) but..as far as online goes, I know for me...when I was single...I needed someone to order me about. I craved that...and sometimes when I would meet someone online, and we'd struck up a conversation and talked for a while..I wanted him to order me around...no not sexually...but simple things like write me a story or an essay...or be online tomorrow night at 8 pm or text me every morning. That fulfilled my needs...and at times if you talk over several months (because let's face it not everyone can just leave on a dime and take off to another state to meet someone at times it takes planning even if it is just a 5 hour drive...people have lives.) you do start to feel like you belong to that person.

quote:

some people need the truth rather than being coddled and have sympathy slathered all over them

and that is fine, I did not say anything about you recommending she get offline and get involved in a local group (even though I have been and find them distasteful) but it's still good advice; not insensitive at all.

But seriously what I have a problem is...is what is above. There is more than one way to look at things, there is no one true way to do it; everyone is different and goes about things differently. Like I said, I did meet my partner offline...and he does have a very dominant personality...but if I said, 'D/s, S/m top/bottom' he'd look at me with a confused look on his face. He was a total vanilla. Before me he never spanked anyone and admitted he would have laughed if someone suggested spanking a woman could turn him on. And NO he has never collared me, I don't call him Master..there are no theatrics (leather pants and big toy box full of whips and floggers), I don't kneel in a corner, we don't spank for punishment....but he runs the show and he is probably the best Dominant man I have ever had and I am coming up on 25 yrs doing this and I BELONG to him. Is this going to work for everyone, meet a vanilla guy and have him turn out to be the best Dominant you ever had and he has no idea what D/s even is? No of course not. Is he any less dominant because he has never been on a site like this..never been to a local group munch? Of course not he just did it differently and he is good at what he does.

Lastly

quote:

Finally, it is perfectly OK for you to think that I am some insensitive lout who just shoots their mouth off and has no regard for the fact that there is another human on the other side of the screen. If that is what you want to think of me, that is fine. You may want to do what I suggest and research my posts before you judge me too harshly. However you choose to view me, I respect your decision.

You said lout not me...and I don't know you so I would have no judgement on you as a person but your statement WAS insensitive and I explained why I thought it was.

< Message edited by lilcracker -- 9/24/2013 3:29:30 PM >

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 17

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 4:23:59 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

You said some things that were your interpretation of my statements and not my statements. You also claim that I had hidden meaning where there was none. You also, because of your own conclusions, said that I contradicted myself, which I did not. Because of your conclusions about my intent, you also claim I mocked the OP, I would never do such a thing. You also did not quote me in full context of my post and saw fit to use fragments rather than what I said which, admittedly will change the meaning of most everything I could possibly say, ever.

And yes, I used the words as my own description, not thinking that you see me this way:

quote:

Finally, it is perfectly OK for you to think that I am some insensitive lout who just shoots their mouth off and has no regard for the fact that there is another human on the other side of the screen.

Like I said, you can maintain whatever opinion you wish to have of me, or my conduct on these boards. If you don't know me, how about the next time, instead of calling me insensitive, ask me what I meant before you reprimand me? I am fully willing to admit I was wrong, but I won't do it based on what someone thinks I said but based on what it is I actually said.

I do not want to hijack this thread, so any other discussion you might want to have is best done by PM.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 18

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 4:35:09 PM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

*Slaps her forehead* Carry on and nope sorry not PMing you Gauge nice try though.

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 19

RE: online vs real - 9/24/2013 4:46:45 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker

*Slaps her forehead* Carry on and nope sorry not PMing you Gauge nice try though.

Nice try? A suggestion, not a compulsory action. A respectful action to not drift off the topic for the benefit of others, not a mandate.

Paint whatever picture you like. Think what you like. It appears that you are doing that anyway. Well done.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 20

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