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RE: Punishment. - 10/1/2013 1:57:39 PM

sunshinemiss

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I'm curious as to why he doesn't know you well enough to know how to punish you. I'm also curious about why he wouldn't fit the punishment to the "crime" so to speak. I have no beef against punishment dynamics - heck they work for some folks, so why not? But you are asking a roomful of strangers for info on a very personal thing... which you haven't even been clear about.

The other thing is that I find questions like this generally - not always - come from folks who do online relationships as opposed to face to face relationships. Again, I have no problem with those and in fact tend to be one of the loudest voices of pro-online relationships and how they *can* work. However, and this is where the rub is, they only work when there is a RELATIONSHIP. And in a relationship, folks know each others quirks and issues and needs and such. I have an online relationship with my sponsor in my 12 step program (there are no face to face meetings where I live). Because we are both honest with each other, he knows me quite well. He would be able to tell you a plethora of truths about me (and vice versa). If I asked him this question (as a lark - he's not a bit kinky), he could list a half a dozen things that would make me feel "punished." Why doesn't your "Sir" know this about you?

The other thing with these kinds of questions that always stick in my craw is that they smack of "lazy dom syndrome" to me. Does HE not run the relationship? It's his JOB in the relationship to know this answer and to apply it.

So, with all that caveat, here's my suggestion for a "punishment." Meditate on what happened. Consider carefully the words of those of who have responded to you. And ask yourself what happened, and be honest about it. Athena has listed some excellent questions for you to ponder. After you have some realizations, write a letter about it.

And by the way, from what you are saying, you did not "forget your place." It sounds like you never had "a place" because he is not inhabiting HIS place in the relationship.

*eta: ah, he's married. I didn't get that originally. Well, there's your answer, isn't it? You are setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt and therefore lashing out behavior. Perhaps this is what you will need to go through in order to see that you are a valuable person who deserves to be treated in a valuable way and not be simply a piece on the side. You are in for a rough ride. Again, good luck.

good luck,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 10/1/2013 2:06:01 PM >

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RE: Punishment. - 10/1/2013 3:35:46 PM

KnightofMists

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This whole relationship smells like a train wreck! Me thinks that is punishment enough. But... Are you going to learn anything from it... Or are you going to involve yourself into another train wreck.

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RE: Punishment. - 10/1/2013 5:39:02 PM

kalikshama

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Guess this thread didn't go as expected.

OP - I've been in relationships that didn't fill my needs and at one point I was even spitting in his coffee. (I tried to leave and he kept convincing me to stay.)

So, if you are "disrespectful, angry and insolent" perhaps this is not the man for you.

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RE: Punishment. - 10/1/2013 8:17:01 PM

DesFIP

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The insolence comes from the anger and loss of respect for him.

So why were you angry? Why did he lose your respect?

How could you have both been clearer in your communication so that you didn't become angry, so that you didn't find him unworthy of respect?

Disagreement could cause you folks to decide you aren't compatible but that's not automatically going to lose him your respect. Something caused this. Figure out what it was, talk it out, and decide if you can live with it without thinking worse of him or if you folks just aren't a good match.

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RE: Punishment. - 10/2/2013 4:16:54 PM

LittleGirlHeart

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i feel if he is the dom, why isn't HE coming up with the punishments, and it wouldn;t fly if i was the dom and my sub was asking others to help with HER assignment.

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RE: Punishment. - 10/2/2013 10:21:18 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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I don't mean to keep defending the OP and her dom in this thread (especially since she seems to have left it) but in response to those saying the dom should be coming up with his own punishment: it seems to me that having to suggest her own punishment IS a punishment in itself, or at least part of one.

I've had to do this before. It was awful. The point of it for us was so that he could see how severe I considered the offence and what I felt was an appropriate penalty (to see if we were on the same page) and to provide some reflection time and to add that extra bit of submission that comes from offering yourself willingly to something you know you will hate. That said, this turned out to be very ineffective for us - I'm too much of a worrier, the pressure of making the 'right' suggestions made this a more severe penalty than he intended and to this day, I remember this part but not the original offence or the punishment that was actually chosen. But, we wouldn't know it didn't work unless we tried it.

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RE: Punishment. - 10/6/2013 2:29:17 AM

TopDawgKY

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Well,

Reading along it looks to me like you're really new to the lifestyle. Welcome.

As for answering your question, I assume that he knows you are asking for some advice and information to complete your punishment. If not, well, you can add disobeying to the list of things since he told YOU to do it. Moving right along to what a punishment should be, well, that depends on you AND on him. The first step is to figure out why you did what you did. As for a specific punishment, almost anything that is actually a punishment, will probably do. After all for some people being made to go shopping is a punishment and for some it is a reward. Of course the catch is also that HE has to think it's the appropriate punishment, so you might want to try and think about what happened and what a punishment should be from his perspective.

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Post #: 27

RE: Punishment. - 10/17/2013 3:48:22 PM

Bedmonster

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It seems as if every Dominant or Master is asking the community here to do their work for them and come up with specific activity ideas for their partners. This is pretty much child's play and is related to dominance traits as much as Miley Cyrus is related to avoiding being an attention whore, especially that the ones asking the questions are in the best position to evaluate their own situation.

Asking for general guidelines seems legit, which in your case OP would be to focus on the punishment to fulfill its mental purpose before physically i.e embed remorse in your head for stepping out of your role and serve as a reminder the next time you think of lashing back to put you in your place. Its severity should relate to your disobedience extent, more importantly this is not a punishment measure just for the sake of it but its main purpose is to turn you into a better person.

On the other hand, if it was your own Master who had asked you to make your list of punishments you see fit for them to choose from then you're just a downright failure.

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RE: Punishment. - 10/17/2013 6:31:07 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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I think the Dominant should be the one coming up w/ the punishment, one to "fit the crime" if possible. So why is he not doing that? Also, if I were the Dominant in question, I would be very upset at my sub coming to the message boards and asking others to do the job s/he is supposed to be doing. That would not go over well with me at all.

NBMG

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