MasterCaneman
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Joined: 3/21/2013
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lucylastic
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: -----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' -------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. -----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. --------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. -------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. -------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. ---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. ---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). ---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. --------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. -----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). ---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
smirkles.....
Okay, an answer in numerical order:
1. I don't care what you think, whenever I see the extraneous 'u', I mentally make that word have an 'owr' sound. And we happen to LIKE the letter 'Z'. And it's not 'Zed'. That's a name, short for Zedadiah.
2. Like, you know, we like, like using those words. And MS SpellCheck is actually one of the tools we're using for world domination. Moo Wah Hah Hah.
3. If anything, I'm a-gonna celebrate it even harder now. You don't have decent mid-summer holidays anyway. So there.
4. I happen to like using an armed lawyer/therapist, especially for shooting grouse. Totally.
5. You will take my vegetable peeler when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.
6. I'm actually with you on this one. I hate traffic lights with a burning passion, and anything that keeps me moving is a good thing in my book. It's also amusing as hell to see some of my fellow drivers try to figure them out.
7. Give it about two more years and we'll be there.
8. Since I don't like potato chips or crisps, whatever you wanna call 'em, this is redundant. But as for my fries, refer to cold, dead hands, etc.
9. I happen to like the watered-down crap we call beer. You can drink more of it and it tastes better cold. What you call beer we call 'soup'. I don't like having to chew a beverage, it defeats the purpose.
10. English guys make the best villains, dontcha know? They also make great Russians and aliens, too. If you insist, you can take back Hugh Laurie.
11. Again, cold, dead hands. We made football better, more a martial art than a bunch of poofters running around in short-shorts and knee socks. At least we don't have riots every time an official makes a call.
12. But then where else would those guys get to scratch their nuts on national TV?
13. Just as soon as you tell us who ordered the hit on Lady Di.
14. Don't you guys still owe us a shit-ton from WWI and WWII still? Oh, and by the way, my grandpa sent you guys a rifle back in 1940 when you were about to get invaded. He requested politely that you return it when you were done with it, but apparently, one of your functionaries decided to dump it in the Atlantic. I'd kind of like some compensation forthwith. Get on it.
15. Tea is only good iced with lemon, sugar, and vodka. And to tarnish silverware. Other than that, it's coffee time!
_____________________________
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu
Goddess Wrangler
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RE: Words the brits are using wrong. - 
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