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Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 2:02:04 AM   
Keymaster7001


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/10/2013
Status: offline 		My wife of 18 years has told me she wants a divorce. One of the many reasons is because I was into this lifestyle and she wasn't. Once everything is finalized and a sufficient amount of time has passed, I would like to find another woman as I enjoy being with someone. This time, however, I would like to find a submissive woman who enjoys bondage (being bound and gagged) and is willing to please me as I would want to please her. I would appreciate any advice from both Dominants and submissives on finding the right partner for what we would both be looking for. I would appreciate hearing from those who faced a similar situation where one of you was into BDSM and your then spouse wasn't.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 4:35:14 AM   
petitespot


Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline 		Learn to sew and get yourself a haystack.

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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 4:41:03 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
Hello Key,
Dating is no different really in this community than it is for other groups. We need to find someone we are compatible with just like anyone else. I hope you don't simply start looking for a gal who is into your kink. I call those "slot-fillers" - the woman herself isn't important to you, just her willingness to do kinky stuff - any gal will do.

The best thing you can do is get involved in your local community. Learn some stuff, meet some people, heal yourself, take your time, and THEN find someone that you enjoy talking with... that's the person to explore this with. It's not about bondage. It's about the person.

Good luck to you,
sunshine

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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 6:41:32 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		My first bit of advice is to get another username unless you're into chastity. Not many women are into it, and many will assume that's your main fetish.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 9:20:24 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Keymaster7001
My wife of 18 years has told me she wants a divorce. One of the many reasons is because I was into this lifestyle and she wasn't. Once everything is finalized and a sufficient amount of time has passed,

You know what, man? Fuck that waiting around bullshit. You probably won't be able to life-commit to anyone for quite a while, but you can have fun starting right now.

Start going to the gym, or go more often than you are right now. Ask a gay friend or a woman to go clothes shopping with you, and buy a couple classy shirts, blazers, pants and shoes. Throw out any underwear with holes in it, and get yourself something nice, like silk boxers, or at least Hanes Premium. And then just fucking go for it.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Keymaster7001)
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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 9:25:51 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I agree with all the advice you've been given so far.

When I was in a similar position I attended all the events I could. I made friends and they introduced me to others who might be potential partners. Finally I went to a big event where I met Gary who had come to the event from out of state. Afterwards we kept in touch. He came to visit me. I introduced him to my kids and grandkids, and he introduced me to his kids and grandkids. I went to his doctor appointments with him so that I would understand his medical concerns. In January we'll have been 24/7 for 8 years. The normal getting to know each other does work.

< Message edited by peppermint -- 10/14/2013 9:35:49 AM >

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 9:26:59 AM   
ivone57


Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		its just like any other dating situation.... join your local bdsm club and your chances of finding someone into the scene will increase... good luck on your journey

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ivone

Property of WhipHer

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Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 12:24:09 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My first bit of advice is to get another username unless you're into chastity. Not many women are into it, and many will assume that's your main fetish.

Besides, chastity sewing is so much more fun anywho

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"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 12:40:29 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Besides, chastity sewing is so much more fun anywho





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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 12:46:05 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I would appreciate hearing from those who faced a similar situation where one of you was into BDSM and your then spouse wasn't.


My now-ex-husband and I had good BDSM, but when I quit drinking and he didn't, the marriage was doomed. There's some bottom line compatibility issues you just can't work around.

(in reply to Keymaster7001)
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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 1:19:39 PM   
petitespot


Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My first bit of advice is to get another username unless you're into chastity. Not many women are into it, and many will assume that's your main fetish.

Besides, chastity sewing is so much more fun anywho

Damn. I wish I knew how to clone someone. Got a brother?

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 2:35:25 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Just like how you found your first partner except start dating within the leather community. When you do find someone that is relationship material, they'll be into the same stuff you are.

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I give good thread.

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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 6:33:35 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		I agree with RS (although I don't know if specifically the leather community...). I am in a similar situation except my marriage broke up for other reasons & I started experimenting in this lifestyle. I saw that much of what I wanted & expected in a partner were things that were associated with many of the dominant men I met...which has made me decide to seek a full time D/s relationship.

Many will advocate that you can meet a sub in everyday life and just intro them to the lifestyle. I honestly think that is NOT a good plan... I think that it is better to cast your line in the right body of water.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/14/2013 6:52:23 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My first bit of advice is to get another username unless you're into chastity. Not many women are into it, and many will assume that's your main fetish.

Besides, chastity sewing is so much more fun anywho

Damn. I wish I knew how to clone someone. Got a brother?

I'm still taking applications for a gimp, ya know...
:-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to petitespot)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/16/2013 8:29:18 AM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		I always did better on Match.com with a carefully worded ad.

Munches will yield up few single women -and they're not exactly going out with blood hounds looking for inexperienced, older, freshly divorced guys either.

On a vanilla site, your pool of candidates will be larger and less demanding.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/16/2013 8:39:05 AM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		OP: if you are waiting a decent amount of time, or considering it, does that mean you have not been stepping out, so to speak? Not judging, just curious. As, if you have had play partners, I am guessing you already know how to hook up with a woman in the modern world? If not, nearly 20 years after getting into a serious relationship, I can certainly see how you could be a bit rusty. Technology can be your friend, but it can also be a foe. It's not a bad way to start a search, but make sure it has the potential to become real time in the short run, if that is ultimately what you are after.

Things have not changed all THAT much. You are just looking for a more compatible partner. So, you need to be honest, with yourself, and them, about what you want. Don't settle. It seldom works well. Don't go looking for someone and think you can change them to become what you are looking for. Much better to start with what you need in the first place. And? Expect it to take time to find the "right" one if you are looking for a life partner. It's not an easy search when it's just 'nilla, adding other elements just makes the pool of prospective partners that much smaller.

Until then, though, not a thing wrong with going out and enjoying yourself. Work on becoming the partner the woman you are looking for would want you to be. This way, when she shows up? You have things in order and are good to go!

Best of everything to you. Divorce is never easy. And even though you can look forward to a new start, don't be surprised if the realities of it all hit a bit harder than you expect at times. Growing pains tend to hurt a bit.

slip~

Edited for clarity.

< Message edited by SlipSlidingAway -- 10/16/2013 8:44:18 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/16/2013 11:00:47 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss


Many will advocate that you can meet a sub in everyday life and just intro them to the lifestyle. I honestly think that is NOT a good plan... I think that it is better to cast your line in the right body of water.


This is some on the worst advice I've seen here in a long time. Plenty of kinked up folks can't be bothered or are not aware of the relatively few kink sites. Munches typically the 15 to 20 ppl the each month

Tie suggests that you have to intro" them to kink. My experience has been just the opposite. Most of the girls I've met over the years have been exposed to some kink by whoever and are willing to do it again with the right person.

So think in terms of the "silent majority" <not involved in BDSM online> running around on in life and generic dating sites.

BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/17/2013 10:17:21 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum


quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss


Many will advocate that you can meet a sub in everyday life and just intro them to the lifestyle. I honestly think that is NOT a good plan... I think that it is better to cast your line in the right body of water.


This is some on the worst advice I've seen here in a long time. Plenty of kinked up folks can't be bothered or are not aware of the relatively few kink sites. Munches typically the 15 to 20 ppl the each month

Tie suggests that you have to intro" them to kink. My experience has been just the opposite. Most of the girls I've met over the years have been exposed to some kink by whoever and are willing to do it again with the right person.

So think in terms of the "silent majority" <not involved in BDSM online> running around on in life and generic dating sites.

BadOne

I don't know, Bad One. I've only met one dominant man in the course of regular life and I'm no spring chicken. While I've met some men on CM who seem dominant only to their moms, I've also met some who appear to be the real thing. Tie's point seems sensible to me; hoping to find D/s in the vanilla world by chance seems like pissing in the ocean and expecting to see it rise

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/18/2013 5:29:29 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		What happened to the sub you were buying clothes for in this thread

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4564413/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4564413



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This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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RE: Finding a New Partner - 10/18/2013 8:17:33 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
So think in terms of the "silent majority" <not involved in BDSM online> running around on in life and generic dating sites.

That's certainly my opinion. Then again, I think it matters a lot what you mean when you say "dominant" and "submissive". When I use those terms I'm referring to perfectly ordinary, perfectly vanilla topics... the basic of pack hierarchy that happen in pretty much any species which socializes. In those basics, "being submissive" means you are a part of the 90% so it's not exactly difficult to find.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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