Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 4:48:45 AM   
AdorkableAiley


Posts: 920
Joined: 9/12/2011
Status: offline 		No I don't think you have outgrown being a slave, I think you have outgrown being abused. You are finally waking up and seeing he isn't what you want or need, but that doesn't mean you no longer want or need to submit. Or maybe it does? What do I know?

All I know is submission has always been very fluid for me. I was a slave for a while, a sub for a bit even a bottom and I have gone vanilla more than a time or two. What I am is not written in stone and it changes as I change.


Ailey

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 5:19:55 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

I have in fact told him this. I am very open with my feelings even if he will think they are ridiculous or will ultimately get me into an uncomfortable place. He says I can't expect what my friends have and should never compare or want what I haven't worked for.


Good for him. He's not playing games or misrepresenting. He's telling you flat out that he doesn't care about your needs. I'd dump him for that alone. And what is up with you "working for" getting your needs met? If you;re a slave, you do what you say because you're told, not to earn something.
quote:



That if I were better things would be different.


Huge red flag. A slave does what she does for joy of serving. He is implying that your service is not what it should be. And putting the responsibility on YOU, not on himself or his leadership. He's no Master.
quote:



I still struggle at this point even though I rarely compare or have expectations. I have asked to be let go and basically he won't let me go.


I grant you permission, if you need someone aside from you to release you. Which you don't - get out now.
quote:



If I really wanted out I would have to do it with so much force, cease all communication and change my number/address which would be a shame in a way. It's just a bad situation.


Why do you need to do all that? Will he track you down otherwise? You can get a restraining order.
quote:



I really don't feel like serving anyone else if this doesn't work out.


Please reconsider. You sound like a very good submissive.
quote:



He also does acknowledge how I feel and seems to feel bad sometimes. Ultimately he says its up to me to change it,


Humans need affection and attention. Hell, even pets do. You're not going to change that part of yourself. He's not good for you.
quote:



but like I said I have begun to lose my will to pursue this lifestyle vs. something a little more conventional where my kindness,support and general giving nature is enough to feel appreciated and build from there.


Like I said, you sound like a great submissive. You're simply in the wrong relationship. Somewhere, there may be a woman for him, and there definitely are men for you. You're not doing anyone any favors by staying.

Also - is he married? I get the feeling he spends little time and emotion on you, and wonder if there's another woman.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 7:38:34 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2


quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger


quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

I don't get the fun times or affection my friends have or really any attention at all. It has become really hard to remain dedicated to being a good slave when I am almost always alone and quite honestly lonely.



Uhm, why the hell not? What? Why isn't your Master recognizing this problem and taking care of it? That's what a Master does. Are you communicating your needs to him properly? You should tell him how you're feeling and see if he has a solution. If he fails you, get out.

If her master can't see this himself, he has already failed her.


To me, this statement sounds like "if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you." If that's the case, you are 100% wrong. No one can read minds. Clear, honest and open communication in BOTH directions is essential for any relationship to work, be it a power exchange relationship or a vanilla one. The key component is to be able to really hear what your partner is saying to you without getting defensive or reacting in a way that would discourage your partner from being completely honest in the future. Being that safe place for your partner to be able to tell you ANYTHING is immeasurable.

But of course, that's only my humble opinion.




< Message edited by BossyShoeBitch -- 10/15/2013 7:39:30 AM >

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 7:58:51 AM   
clove128


Posts: 6
Status: offline 		He is not married, but does have other girls. For the most part they are good girls that each have something unique to offer and make him happy so I don't mind them. He has actually mentioned us getting married and having kids, but that no longer seems as appealing as it once did for the above reasons. I used to get the most attention, but I am also the only one that doesn't have a girlfriend or something else to fulfill relationship type of needs. I moved across the country to go to grad school two or three years ago and he has never visited including graduation. I came to him a few times and of course we talk or at least text. I do not believe he is a bad person and I won't speak bad of him. I am just losing the will for any of this and needed a little advice. He is what he is and either I have to change to fit with that or go do something else.



(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 8:39:58 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128
He is not married, but does have other girls. For the most part they are good girls that each have something unique to offer and make him happy so I don't mind them. He has actually mentioned us getting married and having kids, but that no longer seems as appealing as it once did for the above reasons. I used to get the most attention, but I am also the only one that doesn't have a girlfriend or something else to fulfill relationship type of needs. I moved across the country to go to grad school two or three years ago and he has never visited including graduation. I came to him a few times and of course we talk or at least text. I do not believe he is a bad person and I won't speak bad of him. I am just losing the will for any of this and needed a little advice. He is what he is and either I have to change to fit with that or go do something else.

This is why I no longer date women in higher academia. Too many are fucking insane. They've made a devil's agreement, where they sell their social health in order to obtain a few letters after their name.

Offense intended, OP.

I remember one first date. Professor at a top tier university. She'd been in a 15-year long distance relationship that was primarily Skype-based, where she only had him, and he had other women in real life.

By saving herself for someone who was so far away, both physically and emotionally, she destroyed her ability to be social with human beings who were in front of her face. There's some hardcore social anxiety going on -- and/or fear of rejection -- when people take themselves out of the dating pool for such cyber reasons.

Wise up, or don't. Either way, you'll deserve what you get.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 9:18:39 AM   
TigressLily


Posts: 436
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

This is why I no longer date women in higher academia....

By saving herself for someone who was so far away, both physically and emotionally, she destroyed her ability to be social with human beings who were in front of her face. There's some hardcore social anxiety going on -- and/or fear of rejection -- when people take themselves out of the dating pool for such cyber reasons.


Funny you should mention that. I knew a lady professor once. Our youngsters had playdates together. She was writing a book on Astrology & Health, but knew nothing about astrology. She shamelessly mined me for whatever insights she could. I was only in my 20s so I was flattered. She pawned off one of her boyfriends on me by convincing me to go out on a blind date, even though I had told her I didn't do those. Should have trusted my instincts. That's how I met my ex.

OP, you're a capable, highly educated woman who needs to find her social equal, someone who won't use you and string you along like this man is doing. For a mostly cyber relationship, I don't see why you are so anxious about leaving him. He doesn't even live near you, correct? You're kidding yourself that he would come after you. No, he won't; it would cramp his style. He'll just find another girl. He doesn't care enough about you to actively pursue you beyond passive-aggressive (remote) harassment, and that's only if you let him get away with it.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 9:21:11 AM   
clove128


Posts: 6
Status: offline 		To be clear it is not a cyber relationship. We lived together. I simply moved for school.

(in reply to TigressLily)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 10:17:50 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

To be clear it is not a cyber relationship. We lived together. I simply moved for school.

...and you have seen him a "few times" in the last "two or three years."

What lack of clarity do you think we are suffering from?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 10:25:33 AM   
zerogirl


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/15/2013
Status: offline 		Hmm... I would agree with what others have said. I think you've outgrown your Master and what he offers you is not enough anymore.

I wasn't in your exact situation but kind of similar a few years ago in that I was in the scene looking for a Dom or Master for longterm after two failed D/s relationships. I wanted it all, the lifestyle, the marriage, the kids, my ultimate soul-mate and best-friend. I didn't find it in my search for a Dominant. Sure I found men that could have probably Topped me great and fulfill me as a submissive but no one that I could see myself serving forever and give me everything else I wanted out of a partner. So ultimately I left the lifestyle behind and went "vanilla" for a few years when it came to dating. I met my Husband on a vanilla dating site and fell in love, He was that best-friend that offered me more than I could hope for. And we weren't lifestyle for a few years, and yes I missed it and yearned from time to time. He knew about my past as a sub and had no problems with it but He himself had said He didn't really think He was the "kind of guy" it would take to be Dominant at first. It wasn't until I gave in to being a submissive again that I was able to bring out the Dominant in Him. It didn't happen overnight, it was slow and a lot of learning but we now live D/s 24/7. We've been married for 3 years and have 2 small children. The turn in our relationship really made me feel complete.

So I do think you can have it all. If you want to be married and have a more traditional relationship, I don't think that means you have to give up being submissive. And I'm not saying that you can't find a deserving Master in the scene. Just because I didn't have any luck doesn't mean I think there's no one good out there. Or you could find someone in a vanilla setting. You never know. I guess I'm just saying just because you've developed more needs and want different things out of life doesn't mean you necessarily have to give up your other wants/desires.

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 10:33:08 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2


quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger


quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

I don't get the fun times or affection my friends have or really any attention at all. It has become really hard to remain dedicated to being a good slave when I am almost always alone and quite honestly lonely.



Uhm, why the hell not? What? Why isn't your Master recognizing this problem and taking care of it? That's what a Master does. Are you communicating your needs to him properly? You should tell him how you're feeling and see if he has a solution. If he fails you, get out.

If her master can't see this himself, he has already failed her.


To me, this statement sounds like "if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you." If that's the case, you are 100% wrong. No one can read minds. Clear, honest and open communication in BOTH directions is essential for any relationship to work, be it a power exchange relationship or a vanilla one. The key component is to be able to really hear what your partner is saying to you without getting defensive or reacting in a way that would discourage your partner from being completely honest in the future. Being that safe place for your partner to be able to tell you ANYTHING is immeasurable.

But of course, that's only my humble opinion.

Normally I would agree with you. Communication is essential and clairvoyance never required. But I was responding specifically to her post quoted above, in which she said she doesn't get any attention at all from her master and is always left alone. Unless he is comatose, he should know without being told that his slave would be lonely with no contact and no attention from her master. As someone pointed out above, even our pets need that without having to spell it out for us.


_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 10:48:39 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I have asked to be let go and basically he won't let me go. If I really wanted out I would have to do it with so much force, cease all communication and change my number/address which would be a shame in a way. It's just a bad situation. I really don't feel like serving anyone else if this doesn't work out.

I might have had to do this but fortunately he moved in a new sub and after a while I was able to leave with minimal fuss. I certainly wasn't ready for a serious relationship immediately afterwards, but that's true when leaving vanilla relationships as well.

His new sub did have to use the strategy AthenaSurrenders suggested:

quote:

If you feel you are in danger if you leave this relationship, then just disappear. Plan for a time he is at work or out of town. Get a friend to help you. Load up as much as you can in the car and prepare to do without whatever gets left behind. Immediately change your number, make it clear to friends/family that they do not pass it on, and change any and all online banking passwords etc.

She didn't change her phone number, and finally got the marriage proposal she'd wanted, but so far has stayed strong and sane and away.

You might find it helpful to read Sheela22's story:

I'm very new and very confused
Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom
What would you do?

tl;dr - she was in a bad relationship, bit the bullet, and packed up and left.

ETA - oh, just realized you don't live together anymore. Well, no wonder you're not fulfilled! Find someone local who can satisfy your emotional needs as well as kinky needs.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 10/15/2013 10:54:59 AM >

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 10:50:17 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I have begun to lose my will to pursue this lifestyle vs. something a little more conventional where my kindness,support and general giving nature is enough to feel appreciated


This is a bad relationship issue, not a BDSM issue.

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 11:45:52 AM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline
quote:

My question is whether people outgrow being slaves who are naturally submissive


I  think it's possible depending on the person, although more probable that you've outgrown the relationship.  

Some may consider me a doormat, but I don't believe I am.  I'm a very giving, patient, and laid back person.  However, I do still have a limit.  I do still need to receive something in return.  Typically, that something is in the form of attention.  I don't require a lot of it and I don't expect the level of giving from them that I put out.  Once that limit is reached, not getting what I need in return, I'm no longer able to give in a way that I enjoy.  It makes me not want to try, to become lazy, and I hate feeling lazy.  I'm not only being robbed of attention and my needs, but also my essence.  At that point, I'm not myself and would not expect myself to perform the level of "service" I'm capable of.  

Whether he's a good man or not, your needs are not being met.  You need more than what you're receiving. 
You don't need to be a better slave, you need a relationship that is a better fit for you.  If he says or believes you're not a good enough slave, what it really means is you're not a good enough slave for him.  Not all men will be so blind.
 

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 12:32:56 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Don't worry about the label. You have more important things to worry about.

Foremost is why you chose a relationship in which you cannot be happy. And why you think you don't deserve to be in a relationship where you will be fulfilled.

Work on this and the relationship of your dreams will happen. Continue to settle for less, and it won't. Your choice.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to theshytype)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 12:38:51 PM   
AaNiMaLl


Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		Can one outgrow being a slave? I know that my girlfriend cannot. Every so often she has a fantasy to be vanilla and it lasts like a day.

It isn't slavery if he doesn't really want you on emotional level. That is free prostitution.

Conclusion, you are a slave but not in a bdsm relationship. As I define bdsm.


< Message edited by AaNiMaLl -- 10/15/2013 12:40:02 PM >

(in reply to theshytype)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 1:17:05 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

To be clear it is not a cyber relationship. We lived together. I simply moved for school.



Despite it being your decision to move away, you are not entirely responsible for a less than fulfilling relationship especially since he has said he won't let you go.
I am guessing that if you are in school then your finances are tight.
Why hasn't your master been to see you?

As for his not letting you go, if you decide that the relationship is unable to fulfill your needs or if your master is unwilling to change things (as part of this whole fulfillment thing does fall upon him) then there is no secret password needed to end your dynamic.
"This isn't working for me." or any similar statement conveys that you need more than he can give.

Having incompatible needs doesn't mean that either of you are bad or wrong; it just means you aren't a good match.



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 5:25:48 PM   
frazzle


Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline 		FR
So you moved to improve your education.

He decided to screw anything with a pulse.

You must be celibate.

He has made no effort to visit you, you've gone to him.

Do you see anything warped in this scenario?

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/16/2013 9:22:13 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline 		Please find yourself a real Master.

Get rid of that zero and get yoself a hero!

(in reply to frazzle)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/17/2013 8:47:53 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128
My question is whether people outgrow being slaves who are naturally submissive and any other thoughts/advice you guys may have.

I have no idea what you mean by either "slave" or "naturally submissive" but I'll compare this to Carol who I call both. Carol has no need to be a "slave". That is a highly artificial construct and works at layers much higher than the one which matters to her (and to me). What Carol is is a "natural born follower". That she cannot outgrow. That would take whatever form it needed to if she found herself a new leader. With me it is this quasi-slave thing. With someone else it might simply be a good supportive wife. In essence, I don't think she is a slave in the sense that one could outgrow it. I just think I happen to want this set of behaviors that I call "slavery" and she's happy to submit to that.

So then the real question becomes why are you not happy? It sounds to me like a more local relationship... one where you can have someone spooning behind you with their arms wrapped around you... might produce more happiness.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to clove128)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/19/2013 1:52:18 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

So then the real question becomes why are you not happy? It sounds to me like a more local relationship... one where you can have someone spooning behind you with their arms wrapped around you... might produce more happiness.


Amen!

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109