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how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 4:30:06 PM   
SirDereksbaby13


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/23/2013
Status: offline 		Ok so I'm married and love my husband very much. I also however love being a submissive! He knows my past and that Ihave never not been with a dom before. He has very distinct Dom traits but he also has no clue how to be in a true Dom "role". I'm craving being under someones control again but I'm not sure how to guide him? Help please!
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 4:34:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDereksbaby13

Ok so I'm married and love my husband very much. I also however love being a submissive! He knows my past and that Ihave never not been with a dom before. He has very distinct Dom traits but he also has no clue how to be in a true Dom "role". I'm craving being under someones control again but I'm not sure how to guide him? Help please!


You can't. Instead, just be submissive without needing him to control you. Make his dinner, wash his clothes, clean the house, do whatever he tells you or asks you, make his life as easy as possible. If he reacts in kind, great. If not and if you need more then you may want to sit down with him and have a talk about opening your marriage or moving on.


_____________________________

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Everything has changed

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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 4:35:49 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		When my (now ex) husband and I were new to BDSM, I bought several of the non-fiction books from the booklist and made suggestions. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns : The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism was particularly effective as he found the pictures enticing.

We also joined a local group, went to educational events, made some friends, went to private parties, got a mentor, and observed other couples.

(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 4:44:59 PM   
SirDereksbaby13


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/23/2013
Status: offline 		Ya I want to find some local groups for us to go to but I'm also nervous! He's completely into finding out move about it. Its just I think hard for me going from a contracted sub as Iwas with my ex boyfriend to falling in love with Daddy and we got married in 4 months. The one thing I do love is I am to call him Daddy.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 4:51:24 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		You are the submissive. It is NOT your duty to guide your Dominant husband and tell him what you feel he is supposed to do for and to you. That true Dom role you want him to play is a fantasy in your mind. You say he has Dominant traits. Well then, let those traits express themselves in a way that is comfortable for him. Let him do it his way. You attempting to boss him around and tell him how is supposed to act is only going to make him resistant to any D/s in your lives.

Reading books and joining the local community are all good ideas. However, they say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Your husband may or may not want to read books or join.

Then it all comes down to how much you love him. As littlewonder has said, you can be a submissive without expecting pats on the head for being submissive. Serve your husband because it's natural for you to serve him. Make serving him and making his life better your main priority.


_____________________________

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 4:54:30 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDereksbaby13
He has very distinct Dom traits but he also has no clue how to be in a true Dom "role".


If that's the case, then perhaps you shouldn't be looking for a female submissive or couple to play with.....




_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 5:13:24 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Agree with most everybody. His style of dominating is...his way. You, as the sub, have to accommodate HIM....

Now, Oside's point is also valid. If the two of you are not in sync...bringing in MORE people will just make things worse..

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 5:18:08 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDereksbaby13
how to be in a true Dom "role".

What is this? You might think that everyone knows what you mean, but at least I don't. Of course, there's a shitton of things I don't know about BDSM, so that's pretty much par for the course.

Could you please take a few minutes and post on this thread what a true dom role is?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 5:37:01 PM   
frazzle


Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline 		Why did you not have this conversation with him before you got married???

(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 7:32:24 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		Did he not get your hand in marriage? How much more 'Dom' do you wish from him? He has gotten your oath to love, honor, and obey him, what more do you require?

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 7:40:00 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		love it. Couldn't be more perfectly stated. To me marriage is the ultimate form of slavery. So yeah, gotta agree. I'm thinking the op has the typical fantasy in her head and likes the playing and needs to be told and forced. And that's fine but she can't expect her husband to fit that fantasy on a fulltime basis if it's not really who he is as a person.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 7:54:08 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I'm thinking the op has the typical fantasy in her head and likes the playing and needs to be told and forced.

Reasonable guess, but we don't really know, because she isn't explaining what she means.

Eh, if she can't/won't explain herself here, maybe she can't/won't explain herself to her husband? Answering frazzle's question: they didn't talk about it because the OP doesn't know how to communicate yet.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/15/2013 8:10:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Slow down.

This is all new to him. His entire life he's been taught never to hit a woman, never to order one around. He's not going to become comfortable doing that overnight.

What you need to do is express gratitude and desire any time he does move out of his comfort zone to order you about, to control you.

You start by asking him to pick what you should make for dinner out of what you have on hand. Then you thank him profusely for taking the burden of decision making away from you.

You ask him to spank you. Then you tell him how hot it is and you beg him for sex afterward. And then remind him numerous times over the next few weeks how hot it made you and how much you want him to do it again, only longer and harder.

And you continue giving positive feedback while he grows as comfortable with this as he will get.

He may never be a sadist, or a shibari master. Only he can decide what he wants. Your job is to be his cheerleader so that he feels safe exploring this.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/16/2013 5:16:45 AM   
SunTzuSwe


Posts: 82
Joined: 4/25/2013
Status: offline 		Work with positive reinforcement.
As you enjoy being submissive, be the submissive you want to be. Care for him in every way and make him feel that he deserves it because you are his. He already has strong dom traits, show appreciation when he shows those traits. Forget about preconceptions, there is no such thing as a cookie cutter "true dom". Tell him it turns you on to be spanked and take it slow, let him get a taste of it. When he sees how it turns you on and feel that it is something you enjoy, something that is ok for him to do, he will most likely start enjoying it himself as well. :)
In general just show him how happy you are when he does show his domly traits. :)
He will see this happiness and feel more secure in his role.
Offer him power freely and see where he enjoys wielding it. Different strokes for different folks...

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/16/2013 8:05:50 AM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		Serious sexual incompatibility is likely to be a marital death sentence, even it it staggers on into some passive aggressive hell where you stay for whatever bad reason X is.

You may have over-estimated you ability to choke down half a loaf. He may have over-sold his gameness for kink.

Hard conversations and decisions await. Your presence here (having not been able to work it out with him, sans internet) is a canary in the mine moment.

But you asked for advice, not predictions, so if you like the whole Daddy thing, that's probably the easiest split down the middle for middling vanilla-type guys. It is, at least from the sound of you, a big step down from "contract sub", or whatever you were before.

Would that do it for you? I'm gleaning otherwise, but what's your take?



< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 10/16/2013 8:24:18 AM >

(in reply to SunTzuSwe)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/16/2013 8:08:59 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDereksbaby13

Ya I want to find some local groups for us to go to but I'm also nervous! He's completely into finding out move about it. Its just I think hard for me going from a contracted sub as Iwas with my ex boyfriend to falling in love with Daddy and we got married in 4 months. The one thing I do love is I am to call him Daddy.


Go to the munches. It is just eating for fucks sake. Normal people from all walks of life who are into this and that else. Dont stab any dominants in the eye with a fork, dont have hubby slop gravy on his tie and have him eat with his mouth closed and it will be like going out to burger king otherwise.

And walk up and just say hi.


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/18/2013 2:57:31 AM   
Masterlikes31


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SunTzuSwe

Work with positive reinforcement.
As you enjoy being submissive, be the submissive you want to be. Care for him in every way and make him feel that he deserves it because you are his. He already has strong dom traits, show appreciation when he shows those traits. Forget about preconceptions, there is no such thing as a cookie cutter "true dom". Tell him it turns you on to be spanked and take it slow, let him get a taste of it. When he sees how it turns you on and feel that it is something you enjoy, something that is ok for him to do, he will most likely start enjoying it himself as well. :)
In general just show him how happy you are when he does show his domly traits. :)
He will see this happiness and feel more secure in his role.
Offer him power freely and see where he enjoys wielding it. Different strokes for different folks...


Your advice is exactly what everyone should be giving. I couldn't have said it any better. So, instead of saying " You should find a woman, or a couple" She should be encouraged to show him he has rule over her. When i was first asked to slap my ex, i looked at her like she was crazy. I was taught never to hit a woman. She never pressured me, just told me how much it turned her on. I finally let go, and the pleasure it gave her, and the pleasure i got from taking control..yeah. Work with him, if you say he has dom traits, then you can bring it out. Show him videos, stories..etc.

(in reply to SunTzuSwe)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/18/2013 4:26:44 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You married him, knowing what he's like, and now you expect him to change? This is not a recipe for successful marriage. In your own words:

He knows my past and that Ihave never not been with a dom before.

You would be far better off changing your definition of what a 'true' dom is than attempting to make your husband conform to some fantasy in your head.

You have been given some excellent advice here, most especially by Des and Sun. Please at least consider taking it.

_____________________________



(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/18/2013 8:29:19 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
You married him, knowing what he's like, and now you expect him to change? This is not a recipe for successful marriage.

I'd almost be willing to go with "doomed to fail" and I'm generally pretty upbeat about marriage.

You would be far better off changing your definition of what a 'true' dom is than attempting to make your husband conform to some fantasy in your head.
Sadly, this is the one thing most "true subs" don't get about "true doms"... they aren't. A truly dominant personality does not idly wear the mantle of someone else's expectations.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: how do i get my husband to be more Dom.? - 10/20/2013 6:04:57 AM   
Bedmonster


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/7/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDereksbaby13
how do i get my husband to be more Dom.?


1- Walk out your door and into your car, or a public transportation means
2- Make a short trip to your local civil court. Make sure that there is no traffic before going out, this is the step where many hopefuls have failed as result of overlooking this advice.
3- Apply for an annulment or divorce
4- Find and marry a more Dom person; love is not a criteria, just dominance
5- Profit!


It's not the most refined, traditional or Harvard approved method, but it'll fix what ails ya. Repeat steps 1 through 4 in the odd case it did not work (you probably overlooked the traffic advice)

(in reply to SirDereksbaby13)
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