angelikaJ
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Joined: 6/22/2007
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[I brought this thread to my Master's attention and He had a different take on this thread. Here are His thoughts:]
"When I read this post it's hard to distance Myself between the rules you live by and the rules we live by. I'd have no problems banishing someone who had allowed themselves to be fondled in such a matter, but on the other hand, I'd also not offer My wife to another in any fashion anyway, and certainly not leave her naked, and in that guy's bed.
I would imagine by way of clarification, that by "petting" you actually mean something more along the lines of "finger banging away, thrashing on the point of orgasm" as opposed to something along the line of "leisurely stroking the vulva in an affectionate manner." A great deal of what you are asking about hinges on what exactly he saw when he walked in on his supposedly faithful and loving wife.
Since you seem to think what you allowed/did was "against the rules" as opposed to "wrong" I'd say that was the first thing to address. Breaking your husband's trust is just wrong. Hurting his feelings is wrong. Breaking the rules you live by was wrong. The somewhat ambiguous situation, and decidedly inconsistent rules aside, you did wrong, and need to fix the damage you did. Your husband has things he should probably do as well, but that is *decidedly* beyond the scope of your original posting, and this reply post. After several re-readings, it appears the thrust of your question is more along the lines of "how do I fix this" than "did I do wrong," or "is my hubby at fault." This is what I suggest to mend what you have broken.
The best way to repair trust is to actively *BE* trustworthy. I mean trustworthy in unequivocal ways that matter to him. At the very least I would suggest a promise to never allow any other man to ever touch you in any sexual manner, and ask him not to allow you to be put in a situation where that might be possible. Suggest and follow simple and hard-edged rules for your behavior, for example, never allowing yourself to be alone in an apartment or room alone with another guy, or whatever makes sense to him, and is possible/advisable. Perhaps letting him monitor your phone and/or email accounts/computer would make sense to him. Perhaps being physically near him as he did whatever else he did, like reading nearby as he worked out at the gym, or watch (and at the same time allow you to be watched) when he's out bowling, or whatever else that would make sense to him. Be scrupulous about making sure you call every hour you're out with friends, and keeping him updated with exactly who you are out with. You don't say why he doesn't care for you spending time with your best friend, but one supposes there is a reason. Address his concerns/issues. If you are dealing with his feelings and insecurities, by definition what you do will have to be focused entirely on what will work on him.
I feel bad for the roommate who is probably wondering WTF happened, but yeah, he'll probably have to go, or at least make it *absolutely* clear you are not only willing to boot him, but willing to be the bad guy and be the one to boot him from your apartment.
There is a very good chance that what I suggest will pinch a bit. I can't imagine that this will be long-term sort of thing, if for no other reason than it would be exhausting for him to do the amount of effort to monitor and/or keep up the level of contact necessary to do "his part" in that sort of arrangement. The goal is not the erasure of your independence, or whatever measure of privacy you need for your own sanity, but rather to prove to him that he is *so* important to you that you will do what is needed to repair that damage you did. I do agree with other posters to the effect that hubby should probably re-examine some of his own issues, but that isn't what you asked about, and as I said is beyond the scope of this reply. You can control what you do though, so do healing things.
It's not nearly as easy to rebuilt trust than it was to build it in the first place, but it is possible if you are willing to do the work, and accept the sacrifices necessary to make it happen. It *WILL* take time and effort, but if your husband is someone you want to grow old with, you have to take the steps now to make sure he sticks around."
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The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg
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Need Serious relationship help, if you please. - 
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RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. - 
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