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RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/20/2013 10:26:27 PM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I am a true DarkSteven. There is nobody in this world who is as great at being DarkSteven as I am. After that, the notion of trueness kinda gets wobbly.

Your problem is that your profile says "I'm new!", and you expected that helpful people would come to advise a newbie. Instead, all kinds of Horny Net Geeks (HNGs) came out of the woodwork, figuring that such a newbie would be easy prey. My girlfriend AthenaSurrenders above pretty much nailed a lot of the HNGs on the site and the concept of trueness.

Not that this is the only way to do things, but my own approach when I was single was:

1. Open up with a vanilla comment about the profile. Your profile is amazingly simple - it states that you do investments and love your job, that you love music and athletics, and naturally dancing as well. My first message to you would touch upon one of those, or ask about how being six feet tall has been (something I'll never know, dammit), or ask about Kansas.
2. The vanilla conversation would tell me what someone is like, as well as whether our conversational styles mesh. If she has a lot of complaints or anger, or tries to take over the conversation, or doesn't seem intelligent, I'll get out. Otherwise, I'll ask why she considers herself a submissive - What is it for you? Is it the trust? The higher level of intimacy? Being the focus of attention during play? Giving over control after a day at work? Is it a play thing, or does it extend outside the bedroom? Or is it simply that you like spanking and bondage?

If her vanilla and kink needs and mine mesh, then I'll push on. At worst, I'll have gotten a pleasant conversation.

Oh, yeah - almost anyone in the forums will be a good source of information, without hidden agendas. Those who message you, will likely be wanting something from you.



What? Are you kidding? She joined on the 17th. She posted that message on the 17th. You responded like this the next day?


I think she should cry us a river. She didn't meet the prefect connection in a 24 hour period? You mean someone was actually not up to her standard of politeness? The first day she was talking to dudes on the phone, did I read that right? "Someone said I was not flirty enough" WTF? ? ?

She found two perfect connections on collarme.com in under 24 hours? Come on bro? That is the most unrealistic thing I ever heard in my life. Kinda cute and dreamy. Or that of an attention whore just coming over here. Rather than schooling her on psychology of pickups. How about schooling her on reality.

_____________________________

Let's break the law

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 5:34:22 AM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		Esinn--

thanks for your perspective...i'll overlook the judgement and pick out the useful pieces...
1. yes, i was an idiot and gave out my phone number. i have learned not to do that since.
2. i didn't say they were perfect matches. i said they were lovely connections.
3. attention whore---i believe that's the most disappointing thing i read. but if that's how i was perceived, my apologies.

have a great day! :)

(in reply to Esinn)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 7:55:32 AM   
slavekate80


Posts: 362
Joined: 7/4/2013
Status: offline 		(FR) Every dating site has a lot of people who are either willfully clueless or who are assholes. Marking yourself as a sub will attract quite a few of them as well as some genuine Dominants. You'll get some people who are for real and may or may not be good matches for you, some who plain don't know what they're doing, and some who think they'll be able to trick and manipulate you. Same as everywhere, really, but be prepared for a high junk-to-quality ratio, especially at first.

Everyone handles it a little differently. What I did was restrict my discussions to the message box at first. I'd delete the obvious terrible messages straightaway, look at profiles before replying to the rest, and for those who seemed potentially compatible, keep messaging within the site initially. Immediate demands to go offsite = suspicious. I ended up with several nice conversations (and some that ended poorly, but no harm done except some wasted time and maybe not even that since they were learning experiences), a few people that I seriously considered seeing and who were considering me, and two that I dated. First one didn't work out but we ended it amicably; second relationship is current.

You'll have to decide for yourself what your comfort level is as far as how people talk to you, but no one, whether they describe themselves as dominant or not, has an automatic right to boss you around and be rude. If they assume that they do and open the first conversation that way, it's prudent to be very cautious, and the probability that s/he is full of crap has gone way up. The good news is that if you pay attention, it doesn't take long to train your instinct to help filter messages. You'll probably get a lot of messages and will quickly learn to tell which ones are hopeless and which ones are worth responding to.

And don't take it personally if a few people react with anger and insults when you don't play along. If it happens a lot then review your replies and make sure part of the problem isn't on your end, but there are always some who don't handle any sort of rejection well, even when it's polite and respectful, and then they lash out. I've gotten a couple of nasty, abusive messages simply for reading and electing not to respond to someone's opening message.

(in reply to MaLLeT)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 8:10:30 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		OP - one thing you might consider is how fast you actually meet people you talk to on line.

When I was looking, I refused to talk on line for months. I was looking for a real time relationship so met with prospective men quickly - like within a couple of emails. My rationale was that anyone can type a good story on the 'puter, but if there isn't a connection in the flesh , then it isn't going to go anywhere. And there were several men that after we had a cup of coffee and talked for a while, I politely said that I didn't feel a connection, thank you for meeting with me and went on my merry way. A couple were most displeased, but c'est la vie! There were also a couple of men that I didn't hear from again, so it goes both ways.

At one stage I was seeing four guys, and only one made the cut - and that was because he bought a tea kettle and my brand of tea for his apartment. He was quiet - and THOUGHTFUL. He made an effort to see who I was, acted on it and won the day so to speak. :) and let me tell you, his few dollars investment paid off big time - we are still together three years later and planning on marrying. Its hard to say no to someone who is so observant.

There are definite pros and cons to meeting people quickly, and there are at least a couple of old threads about it, but if you have reasonable people skills meeting quickly is a win - win situation. You don't waste a bunch of time on line being one of the win points.

just my two cents worth.

(in reply to slavekate80)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 2:53:09 PM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

Esinn--

thanks for your perspective...i'll overlook the judgement and pick out the useful pieces...
1. yes, i was an idiot and gave out my phone number. i have learned not to do that since.
2. i didn't say they were perfect matches. i said they were lovely connections.
3. attention whore---i believe that's the most disappointing thing i read. but if that's how i was perceived, my apologies.

have a great day! :)



I clearly was not speaking to you. I intentionally addressed someone who should have found it odd you thought a lovely connection was instantly discovered. You must be a horrible submissive - interrupting like this. Now run along and let the men talk about you.

(sorry just kidding)

I will stick with my initial comment, if you are being sincere (not the attention whore). It is kind of neat you thought that might be possible - lovely connections with such limited time and knowledge. It is demonstrable of a good person.

_____________________________

Let's break the law

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 4:23:43 PM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		Esinn- thank you. :)

(in reply to Esinn)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 7:41:04 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Esinn
I will stick with my initial comment, if you are being sincere (not the attention whore). It is kind of neat you thought that might be possible - lovely connections with such limited time and knowledge. It is demonstrable of a good person.

Ironic that you scolded someone else about a silly comment that should be grounded in reality, and your comment is a bit silly now.

Did you miss the part where the guys she had beautiful connections with were actually immature jackasses? Or, at the very least, romantically incompatible with her? I've met someone from OK Cupid two hours after emailing her, and I've met someone from CM 24 hours after emailing her -- but the difference is that both of those real-life meetings went fine. (In one case, we got physical later; in the other case, there was no chemistry and we shook hands.) This woman is seeing great possibilities that just aren't there. So I have to wonder what great possibilities is she blind to and throwing by the wayside because she's looking for the wrong things? She isn't demonstrating that she's a "good person"; she's demonstrating that she doesn't really know how to date.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Esinn)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 9:47:06 PM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Esinn
I will stick with my initial comment, if you are being sincere (not the attention whore). It is kind of neat you thought that might be possible - lovely connections with such limited time and knowledge. It is demonstrable of a good person.

Ironic that you scolded someone else about a silly comment that should be grounded in reality, and your comment is a bit silly now.

Did you miss the part where the guys she had beautiful connections with were actually immature jackasses? Or, at the very least, romantically incompatible with her? I've met someone from OK Cupid two hours after emailing her, and I've met someone from CM 24 hours after emailing her -- but the difference is that both of those real-life meetings went fine. (In one case, we got physical later; in the other case, there was no chemistry and we shook hands.) This woman is seeing great possibilities that just aren't there. So I have to wonder what great possibilities is she blind to and throwing by the wayside because she's looking for the wrong things? She isn't demonstrating that she's a "good person"; she's demonstrating that she doesn't really know how to date.


Calm down princess. You are just regurgitating what I've said. If you get too excited you might choke. However, I've already been acknowledged by the OP. Now all I'd like to hear from is Dark Steven, not really you. I still greatly value your opinion and look forward to further discussions on this matter.

_____________________________

Let's break the law

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 9:57:52 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Esinn
You are just regurgitating what I've said.

No. I am saying that your compliment was misfired. If she thought lousy connections were great ones, she was probably thinking with her clitoris, not with emotional self-awareness. She might be a good person, but that isn't related to the fact that her sexual life feels like a desert and she is seeing mirages because she's thirsty.

There's a reason so many people are telling her to wait. It isn't because waiting is the right strategy for everyone. It's because she's going off half-cocked (heh) and needs to slow down.

-- Princess Red

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Esinn)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/21/2013 11:24:16 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		*lol* God, I love you, Red Magic. (don't tell HM!)

OP,

I'm going to disagree with the people who suggest you meet right away. In fact, I'm going to suggest you just "hang out" and email people for around six months or so, until that initial sub rush wears off a bit. That's what I did (intentionally) when I first came here. In the end, I ended up speaking to around five or six men as potentials, met two in real life, one is now my friend, and the other I have been with for...uhm...about 7 years now. Just take your time. Not everyone you speak with will be right for you, but it's going to be difficult to sort the chaff from the wheat, if you don't know what is real and what is just PUA bs. (pick up artist)

For now, just take your time and make friends. I had friend zoned HM upon his initial contact, but eventually that changed. Sometimes the best ones for you are the ones who can be your friend, and who are willing to take their time. At least that's how it worked out for me.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 2:28:35 AM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline 		It's important to recognize that a lot of people on the internet are not sincere. Many are playing a part, and getting their rocks off in their own fantasy world.

Spending some time on this side of CM is probably the best start. Start figuring out what are signs that someone may actually be sincere in what they state they are looking for. Get a sense of how those of us who actually live this behave.

Also, it might be worth doing a search for other female subs in your area, find someone a little further in on the journey, and make a buddy. It's also a good idea to reach out to people in your community that are grounded and have been doing this for awhile, and are settled in their identity. They can teach tons and help settle that libido down.

Then maybe start meeting potential partners.

I actually meet up fairly quickly. I go to places near my home or work where I am a regular, and don't go out of my way. A lot of these turkeys don't show, or aren't worth my time. I'm also if possible a fan of meeting before giving out my number. Smart phones are awesome, these days people can ask for directions or cancel via e-mail as easy as a text message. Until they show up, aren't super creepy, I didn't want guys to know jack shit about me, not my name, number, address, etc.

I had safe calls in place, no one was walking me to my car, I was all about afternoon coffee, not leaving in the dark.

Trusting your gut is sooo important. If ANYTHING feels wrong it is, if there are any red flags, it should be a no go.

Also, figure out your limits, and what mistakes you are willing to make. You will make them. Do what you can to make ones you can live with.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in


You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 5:52:51 AM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		i am amazed, yet again, by the number of truly thoughtful responses my post has generated. i have take the time to read every single one, even the incredibly unpalatable critical ones, and have made immediate adjustments. thank you, everyone.

(in reply to sheisreeds)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 5:56:22 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		We're actually a pretty good group here, kind and supportive to those who need and aren't total asshats.

Stick around, we like tall and sweet.

_____________________________



(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 10:31:15 AM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline 		I think you can form a great profile of people by using the forums and just monitoring chats here. Trying to decipher someones profile or analyze the messages random strangers send you is much more difficult. If someone has a genuine interest in you and genuinely are lovely. Their natural desire will be to tell what ya wanna hear, right? That is not always a bad this. It also carries some negativity with it too.

I'd suggest anyone you have an interest in someone look for their posts here. This side is just as important as the other side. IF they do not post here ask them why they do not? Push them to come over here and interact/contribute. Find 1-2 posts which you feel will be of interest and ask for their input. I've been told by some I am a dick here and INR (a caustic tongue). My intention is not implicitly to hurt emotions, isolate myself or be perceived in such a way. I just ain't for everyone - possibly no on.

But, I think I communicate my points. Someone unable to do that, especially under the scrutiny of 'peer review' - might be a red flag. Possibly not, you might form a lovely bond and others just do not see or feel it - love is odd..... Just like most resumes are padded, the same is probably true of dating profiles or initial engagements. Though I am only aware of studies which suggest this about resumes not profiles. It seems to be common sense.

Ya know?

_____________________________

Let's break the law

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 10:32:41 AM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline 		I think you can form a great "profile" (for your own assessment) of people by using the forums and just monitoring chats here. Trying to decipher someones profile or trying to analyze the messages random strangers send you is much more difficult. If someone has a genuine interest in you and genuinely are lovely. Their natural desire will be to tell what ya wanna hear, right? That is not always a bad thing. It also carries some negativity with it too.

I'd suggest anyone you have an interest in look for their posts here. This side is just as important as the other side. IF they do not post here ask them why they do not? Push them to come over here and interact/contribute. Find 1-2 posts which you feel will be of interest and ask for their input. I've been told by some I am a dick here and INRL (a caustic tongue). My intention is not implicitly to hurt emotions, isolate myself or be perceived in such a way. I just ain't for everyone - possibly no one.

But, I think I communicate my points. Someone unable to do that, especially under the scrutiny of 'peer review' - might be a red flag. Possibly not, you might form a lovely bond and others just do not see or feel it - love is odd..... Just like most resumes are padded, the same is probably true of dating profiles or initial engagements. Though I am only aware of studies which suggest this about resumes not profiles. It seems to be common sense.

Ya know?



< Message edited by Esinn -- 10/22/2013 10:34:25 AM >

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Let's break the law

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 10:35:36 AM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline 		The above message was written w/o my glasses. Typos addressed now I believe. General thoughts pls?

_____________________________

Let's break the law

(in reply to Esinn)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 1:12:12 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I've not met anyone that is on the forums .... and have met some very nice men. So, being on the forums isn't for me a criteria for meeting.

If you are interested in a relationship, then spending months on line isn't going to meet your needs. Meeting real people fairly quickly is the best way to go about getting what you want. The key is not to grab the first person who expresses an interest in you and declare them your Lord and Master. You can afford to be choosy - the numbers game is on your side. Young , attractive and submissive means that there is a huge pool of men wanting you, so be picky.

The thing is, you need a man first and a Lord and Master second, because if you hate the man, the Master isn't going to be much better. This would be one reason why you meet at Barnes and Noble or Starbucks, because you can get a sense of the man in a vanilla setting, before hitting (pun intended) the kinky bits. You don't have to love them, but you do have to like and respect them as people.

While you are conducting interviews it may suit you to join your local group/dungeon and find a casual play partner. That way you get some of your itch scratched, so you won't feel as pressured. :)

(in reply to Esinn)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/22/2013 1:30:02 PM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

I've not met anyone that is on the forums .... and have met some very nice men. So, being on the forums isn't for me a criteria for meeting.





Does that invalidate my point though? I am not saying meet anyone on forums. I am not arguing that is a bad or good idea. I am saying someone who posts 1- 50 messages in public view, under public scrutiny..... You can get a better picture of who they are. Are all their messages caustic, scattered or contradictory - have they been caught in more than 'white lies'..... Then tie that in with your personal interactions and their interactions with others. You could argue that person might be a liar, deceptive or slightly padded on forums, profile and chat. You could be right. But, the more information you have the better off you are. The more informed you are.

I am not calling for background checks of potential fucks, hookups or partners you meet here. Just saying, the forums can be used as a tool. It seems more reasonable to me . . . Weigh their interactions with others on the forums and in chat with your own. I cant see how more is harmful. Possibly not always necessary. Whatever keeps your boat floating.

< Message edited by Esinn -- 10/22/2013 1:31:37 PM >

_____________________________

Let's break the law

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/26/2013 5:55:14 AM   
garyFLR


Posts: 4030
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

First off, when people call themselves "true" anything, they are blowing smoke. People may call themselves dom or sub, master or slave but this is the internet, expect there will be lies. Secondly, you are new and clueless and by that I am not insulting you, I am explaining that because you are new, you are a target for horndogs out for some flesh. Third, you will need to develop somewhat of a thick skin. There are many out there who will tell you you are bad, not sub, not what ever if you are not falling into their game.

And finally, it might be better to broaden your horizon (Sirs), and ask questions here from all. Trust me that you will hear a lot more on the realities of being new here from the women than you will from the men.


I agree with everything Missokyst writes, new members are always targeted in the belief they are easy meat. Ladies will always be targeted by the idiots here, but you'll learn to differentiate between the good guys & the bad guys.

Why not spend some time with us on the forums, you'll get really good advice & chat from people who aren't trying to scam you, promise .

Good luck in your search & journey.


_____________________________

Chairman of the Lady TNDommeK Appreciation Society, in celebration of all things Ducklippery & Luxuriant :-D.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: ..am i misunderstood!? ... dear Sir's... - 10/27/2013 3:08:40 AM   
ladyzarah


Posts: 9
Joined: 9/16/2013
Status: offline 		Dear tallandsweet, just like in the vanilla dating world, there are players, abusers, and seriously stupid ignorant people.
My suggestion to you, is become educated, know what's in your heart, define what it is you crave. Write it down. Talk to other subs, listen to their experiences. Id be happy to speak to you anytime.

Make sure you set up safe calls, use the brains god gave you, listen to the inner voice. Even experienced subs get caught up in the moment, the cravings. I s have friends I talk to to make sure my brain stays engaged in the decision process.

Good luck sweetie, be safe and don't let anyone dictate who you are.we all know how confusing and frustrating the process of discovery is.

< Message edited by ladyzarah -- 10/27/2013 3:11:03 AM >

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 60
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