internal conflict

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

internal conflict

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> internal conflict

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

internal conflict - 10/23/2013 10:11:07 PM

subnilla

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

Yes, I am new but not completely ignorant.
I really just want some clarity. First off I am and will be a selfish person but as a person who classifies myself as a submissive its hard to find and equal grounding for that. I gain pleasure both mentally and physically by pleasing or pleasuring my partner in any way, but to the ultimately to satisfaction of my own same either mentally or physically.
So my dilemma is...is it ok that by classifying myself as sub I can still expect some sort of pleasure? in the sense that I give it I shall receive back? yes under the control to the one I put my trust into but can I expect it of him? I am in a steady long term relationship and we put our trust in each other completely and we are both discovering the BDSM world. I however through my past cant partake in anything that is humiliation or degrading in public or to make me submit to tasks that are meant to make me "feel" humiliated or less than a human being. I do try to separate my feeling for that but I cant with out damage to myself where id like to "sit in a corner curled up and cry and never see the day of light" a little dramatic but still an issue........ so is it ok to have these feelings and have it set in stone that I will never not even eventually submit to this? and will this make me a bad sub?

Sorry for the lengthy message but its only the tip of my ice burg

Post #: 1

RE: internal conflict - 10/23/2013 10:25:26 PM

blacknwht

Posts: 18
Joined: 2/15/2011
Status: offline

This does not make you a bad sub. Any Master worth his salt would understand your limitations and work with that.

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 2

RE: internal conflict - 10/23/2013 10:32:26 PM

AdorkableAiley

Posts: 920
Joined: 9/12/2011
Status: offline

Some people might say that is not behavior fitting someone who claims they are a sub, others will think it is just fine. You need to find the ones that think these things are just fine in the dynamic and you will be okay. As long as you and your partner are on the same page what does it matter if you are what other people consider a sub? You only need to please the one you are with and if he doesn't mind that you have these demands then nothing else really matters. Your best bet is to just be honest about your needs and wants and find a partner who's needs and wants match up with yours.

Ailey

< Message edited by AdorkableAiley -- 10/23/2013 10:33:10 PM >

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 3

RE: internal conflict - 10/23/2013 10:38:47 PM

subnilla

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AdorkableAiley

Some people might say that is not behavior fitting someone who claims they are a sub, others will think it is just fine. You need to find the ones that think these things are just fine in the dynamic and you will be okay. As long as you and your partner are on the same page what does it matter if you are what other people consider a sub? You only need to please the one you are with and if he doesn't mind that you have these demands then nothing else really matters. Your best bet is to just be honest about your needs and wants and find a partner who's needs and wants match up with yours.

Ailey

Thank you so much that makes me fell immensely better about how I should feel about it

(in reply to AdorkableAiley)

Post #: 4

RE: internal conflict - 10/23/2013 10:46:13 PM

AdorkableAiley

Posts: 920
Joined: 9/12/2011
Status: offline

Glad I could help.

Ailey

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 5

RE: internal conflict - 10/23/2013 10:59:07 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

There is no 'one size fits all' for submissives and there is no rule book - you are the submissive that you are.

There are many who don't do humiliation. I guess we do humiliation in my relationship, but anything we do is private and because of how we feel for each other it never really feels humiliating. Hot, yes but there's zero negativity involved.

The most important thing you would need to do is to find the dominant whose needs/wants best fit your needs/wants....and it looks like you already have that covered

Just be yourselves, enjoy what you have and hopefully you will both grow into a relationship that works best for the two of you.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 6

RE: internal conflict - 10/23/2013 11:00:06 PM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

You are in a nearly ideal situation by already having a partner with whom to explore BDSM and not having to worry about throwing yourself to a pack of wolves in rams' clothing. You can train him on how you want to be dominated and discover what pleases him. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Forget the labels on what is supposedly expected of a submissive or a Dominant because you don't have to fit anyone's mold. You both have this latitude with one another. Give yourself permission to be playfully experimental, find out what turns you on as a bottom, and let him ease his way into Topping you. There's no set formula IMO, and while others might disagree, it is because they started out with a different set of circumstances than you, trying to make a compatible fit with varying experience levels and expectations than your pre-existing relationship dynamics. You have the luxury of mutually setting the pace, the parameters, the conditions, of working with whatever variables you both consent to. Don't rush your man into becoming your Master overnight. You've been together for however long, and you might find it more satisfying and exciting to not lock yourselves into rigid roles, but rather to allow (give yourselves permission for) this be an organic process for the two of you in bringing one another pleasure.

Who else do you need to be accountable to in your private lives? Nobody's else's opinion should matter within the framework of your intimate interactions.

Btw, there are lots of other subs (and Dom/mes) who are not into humiliation either. Above all, have fun!

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 7

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 3:43:22 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If he enjoys the same things you do, then you would both please him and yourself when you engage in those activities.
I don't know why people assume submissive means being miserable. If you're unhappy the relationship wouldn't last.

You don't have to do humiliation to be submissive. Some dominants enjoy humiliation play, others don't.
Some subs enjoy it and others don't. Same with any activity.

If you and your partner are compatible, that's what matters.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 8

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 4:02:41 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Of course you can expect pleasure. This should be fun and fulfilling for both of you. If it's not, something's wrong.

As for humiliation, this kind of mental sadism I consider a form of edge play; edge play being those things that can *really* hurt someone. You know, a physical wound can heal, mental ones can take much longer or do permanent damage when it was never intended.

So in my book humiliation is not something you rush into, and you *always* take the sub's needs into consideration. If he/she is not enjoying or doesn't get something out if it, then you should back the fuck off. Even a very experienced dominant can run into a nasty mental trigger when dealing out humiliation.

I am a little concerned about the tenor of your post and your worry of being a 'bad' sub. Who put this idea into your head?

_____________________________

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 9

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 4:42:56 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

nilla, you're getting worried over stuff that's common.

1. You have limits, and humiliation and degradation are two of them. Everyone has limits, and those are yours.

2. Every sub has a reason for submitting. Some do it for trust, some just want to hand over reins after the workday's over. Some just like to be tied up and spanked. In your case you do it for the joy of pleasing another. I consider that the most selfless of all the motivators. You're human - you need to get SOMETHING out of your relationship, or you'll feel empty and resentful.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 10

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 8:14:04 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

So I got two things out of that.

A) You want a reciprocal relationship.
Join the club. So does everyone who's not looking to recreate some hot fantasy in a short-term sense. Long-term relationships require that the need of all participants get met.

B) You dislike humiliation
Lots of people have things on their "no" list. These things change over time. Lots of dominants do not engage or want to engage in humiliation. I certainly don't. I do, however, do things which Carol finds humiliating. I dislike that when it happens but sometimes the humiliation is all in her head and it's getting in the way of pragmatic life goals like "become a professional fine artist". Like all adults, she has to face her own demons and sometimes I force that issue but not for the purposes of a hot sexual scene.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 11

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 8:56:02 AM

subnilla

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

Thank you very much TigressLily that really brought me back to thinking that it doesn't need to be rushed or that I don't have expectations that I must reach, and yes I do feel lucky to have such a caring and trust worthy partner who I can explore wit. I have no problem communicating what my needs are, but he doesn't quite have the full knowledge of how I maybe want our relationship should go in the bedroom. as of now I've plowed through books, online works, and some forums to just get a general idea *much farther knowledge than my partner*, and I guess I've put the expectations on myself before really explaining to my partner. I just really needed the clarity on how to proceed I guess because I was just stagnating with the internal turmoil and He caught onto that and I reach this dilemma. So agin thank you very much for such a beautiful explanation. :)

(in reply to TigressLily)

Post #: 12

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 9:01:22 AM

subnilla

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

I would say that I feel honestly like a bad sub but I guess just lost to comparing myself like in a vanilla world you see a woman that you view prettier or more talented and you think ,"Hey if I can look something like that I can maybe please my guy more than I am now.", But of course I know he loves me as I am but I always want to be better for him. SO I don't think I'm a bad sub just maybe lacking in aspects that I could improve despite maybe my reservations.......which leads to the core the change and sacrifice I must go through is it ok not to do? it is it not ok to not go through it? and TigressLily really cleared that one for me :)

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 13

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 9:04:31 AM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

My partner also likes (as she puts it) the bowing and scraping-aspect of our D/S relationship a lot less than me. And for us, it was a give and take to find the balance where I felt properly served and she felt happily given over. Obviously, respect for your boundaries is essential.

I want mine humble, but never humiliated. I want her to enjoy her different status and have no shame in it. For her, a useful step in her bow/scrape evolution was just sitting with her gratitude for being the very loved, slavey sub in a kinky, sexy love affair where she comes hard a lot. That gratitude has softened her up. She's grateful to be at the feet of a good man. Gratitude always humbles us, and usually in a very organic, healthy way.

What parts of your submissive relationship are you grateful for?

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 14

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 9:07:11 AM

subnilla

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

I really appreciate the separation you made about humiliation just being a way that you push an issue to better the person than to use it as a toll for sexual pleasure. I am totally fine if people like that sort of thing but for my self yes I am adamant that I don't want my emotions to be used and played with like that. And it also reassuring to know that not all Doms like that which was a fault of my own to think like that but it really set that line of thinking straight. Thank you JeffBC :)

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 15

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 9:10:17 AM

subnilla

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline

Wow thank you ^__^ that put a smile to my face because I just had rushing memories and moments that I have had with my partner that makes our relationship just so worth it. Thank you for the nostalgia :)

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

Post #: 16

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 10:31:35 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subnilla
I really appreciate the separation you made about humiliation just being a way that you push an issue to better the person

More accurately, I keep my eye on the ball and the ball is not "phantom humiliation". I will ignore it, push past it, or if necessary reconstruct her thoughts on the topic so that she is enabled for success.

Let me give you a specific example. Carol does not like to call attention to herself. Sadly, if you want to be a fine artist then you need to look the part and you need to play the part at least at things like gallery openings and the like. She might well find some or all of the required dress & behavior either embarrassing or humiliating. It would only be so in her eyes. I would make her dress and act as I thought best to further her art career.

I'm not using humiliation. I'm working through or around it to achieve my goals for Carol.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 17

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 11:13:57 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Everyone covered the important points. I'll just reiterate that everyone does this differently, and it's completely acceptable to be who you are and do what you want - find that other person who has the same vision that you do. There's no standard that you have to fill, or rules you have to follow, BDSM is pretty much a do it yourself project that follows your own unique path and culminates in your own take on what is meaningful to you. If anyone argues that with you, move on. They aren't the right person for you.

Just for the record, I can't do humiliation or degradation. I do keep an open mind; although I feel that I can't do those two things now, I may change my mind in the future. I feel perfectly entitled to have hard limits. As DS said, everyone has them; those are two of mine. Whoever I choose to engage with can accept that or move onto someone else. Easy.

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 18

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 12:26:58 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

[My] Master loves to give me pleasure... He loves to have me at His mercy and do wicked, wonderful things to me as I writhe in pleasure... the pleasure He is choosing to give me.

Humiliation is something we play with the edges of in a very teasing way, but He would never do it to put me in a bad head space, and mine can be fragile.
He knows where the edges are and stays within the lines.

This is not a one-size fits all type of relationship.
No relationship really is, be it vanilla, or some type of kink or power exchange based relationship.
We are all individuals who define what works and doesn't work for each of us within the compromises we are willing to cede and make.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to subnilla)

Post #: 19

RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 1:36:27 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AdorkableAiley

Some people might say that is not behavior fitting someone who claims they are a sub, others will think it is just fine. You need to find the ones that think these things are just fine in the dynamic and you will be okay. As long as you and your partner are on the same page what does it matter if you are what other people consider a sub? You only need to please the one you are with and if he doesn't mind that you have these demands then nothing else really matters. Your best bet is to just be honest about your needs and wants and find a partner who's needs and wants match up with yours.

Ailey

kerching. I cannot add a thing to this.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to AdorkableAiley)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> internal conflict

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109