D/s relationship without the romantic stuff

D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (Full Version)

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spicysub131 -> D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 3:33:28 PM)
I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm new to these types of forums and if it could be in a better place, please let me know. My Dom and I recently decided to end our relationship. I don't think the details as to why are all that important. Naturally, I am crushed by it. I have some recent self esteem issues, as well as not having any experience in being independent. We live together, but have separate rooms, though i have not actually used mine in months. We have decided to continue parts of our relationship regarding building up my self esteem and making me a more independent person, though neither of us are really sure how to have this type of D/s relationship without crossing back into the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic we have had for the last few months. We were polyamorous, and will continue to date other people. Basically, what I am looking for are suggestions on how to keep up the D/s side of our relationship but not become lovey dovey romantics again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -s

singlemaltlady -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 3:45:16 PM)
That's a challenging situation. Bluntly put... it's a choice. Or, a series of choices. If you still think of him in a romantic way then you can either remove him from your life or you can take control of your mind and focus on reality. (the rejection and loss) In a spiritual sense, if you are with him to gain support for your growing independence, then perhaps his rejection of you as a romantic partner is your opportunity to feel motivated to... be independent, in whichever ways you choose. Your post reminds me of the song lyrics... you can't always get what you want... you get what you need. Best of luck to you!

RedMagic1 -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 5:20:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: spicysub131 I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm new to these types of forums and if it could be in a better place, please let me know. My Dom and I recently decided to end our relationship. I don't think the details as to why are all that important. Naturally, I am crushed by it. I have some recent self esteem issues, as well as not having any experience in being independent. We live together, but have separate rooms, though i have not actually used mine in months. We have decided to continue parts of our relationship regarding building up my self esteem and making me a more independent person, though neither of us are really sure how to have this type of D/s relationship without crossing back into the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic we have had for the last few months. We were polyamorous, and will continue to date other people. Basically, what I am looking for are suggestions on how to keep up the D/s side of our relationship but not become lovey dovey romantics again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -s Why would you fuck around if you have self-esteem issues? Do you really think you're going to attract fine, upstanding gentlemen if you give off a "I'm in bad mental shape" vibe? This isn't the kinkiest, tabooest, edgiest thing I've ever said, but here goes: keep your legs together until your head is on straight.

sheisreeds -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 5:27:03 PM)
This is a terribly slippery slope that has a near 100% chance of ending in tears. Maintaining the D/s dynamic after a break-up, which I have seen a few couples do, is ALWAYS wrought with drama. With you guys living together? If you insist, at minimum you need to move out, and not just outta his room. Because in a few weeks when a mostly naked glazed eyed submissive wanders out of that room looking for some munchies in the kitchen no amount of his domliness is going to help your self esteem. Poly or not.

RedMagic1 -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 5:34:08 PM)
For the record, spicysub, I agree word for word with sheisreeds, and almost typed something like that myself. I decided to focus on what I wrote because I was concerned that you would think moving out was "impossible." But your OP is one huge dramabomb, ticking and ready to go off. So take her post seriously even if you tell me to go to hell.

OsideGirl -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 6:04:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: spicysub131 My Dom and I recently decided to end our relationship. No, you haven't because you're still engaged in a power exchange relationship with him! I fail to see how being in a power exchange relationship with someone where you're reminded everytime you look at him that the romantic relationship failed is going to help your independence and self esteem. And I'll also add, there's a reason why the romantic relationship failed...and that's not going to be any different in a power exchange relationship. Do yourself a favor, leave the toxic, potential drama-bomb relationship behind and find someone that is good for you.

theshytype -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 7:02:32 PM)
quote: Basically, what I am looking for are suggestions on how to keep up the D/s side of our relationship but not become lovey dovey romantics again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. You either can or you can't. I'm a cynic so my gut tells me that if you have to ask advice on how to do it, you will not be able to do it. The physical aspect is easy, the mental not so much. I do very much agree with this: quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl No, you haven't because you're still engaged in a power exchange relationship with him! I fail to see how being in a power exchange relationship with someone where you're reminded everytime you look at him that the romantic relationship failed is going to help your independence and self esteem. And I'll also add, there's a reason why the romantic relationship failed...and that's not going to be any different in a power exchange relationship. Do yourself a favor, leave the toxic, potential drama-bomb relationship behind and find someone that is good for you. If you have self-esteem issues especially, the situation you've proposed will only hinder your improvement.

JeffBC -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 8:20:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: spicysub131 Basically, what I am looking for are suggestions on how to keep up the D/s side of our relationship but not become lovey dovey romantics again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. For me being dominant isn't a role I put on for certain occasions. It's just how I am. So the answer to this would be as simple as, "dominate her without the romance part". I'd think of you like a friend I was trying to help or an employee I was working through some performance issues with. There are lots of perfectly normal, perfectly vanilla situations in which D/s comes into play. I'd think along those lines.

MasterCaneman -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 8:28:06 PM)
For what it's worth: Move on. Simple as that. I speak from the viewpoint of 90% of my in-scene relationships being non-emotional. Sometimes you gotta be cold and think only for yourself. If you have self-esteem issues, it's not gonna help when he's getting it on with your replacement and you can hear it happening, and you will.

TigressLily -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 9:24:59 PM)
Why would you want to stay in a non-sexual D/s relationship with your former lover? The best you could hope for is to salvage whatever friendship you had with this man, if you ever did to begin with. To be on anything other than equal footing with him now would be self-sabotage. quote: ORIGINAL: spicysub131 .... We have decided to continue parts of our relationship regarding building up my self esteem and making me a more independent person, though neither of us are really sure how to have this type of D/s relationship without crossing back into the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic we have had for the last few months. We were polyamorous, and will continue to date other people. Basically, what I am looking for are suggestions on how to keep up the D/s side of our relationship but not become lovey dovey romantics again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Others have advised you to move on, that it isn't a good idea for you to stay. If you have to swallow your pride and move back in with your parents, sister or best friend, then do so until you can get back on your feet. D/s aside, you put yourself in a co-dependent position where you have nothing to show for (I'm sensing) and now have to depend on an ex-lover's support or will choose a new lover for the wrong reasons, for continued support. You mentioned being crushed by the end of what you once had with your ex-Dom. It's over yet you're clinging to a D/s dynamic that serves neither one of you anymore. What you need is tough love and to start rebuilding your life, not remaining under the same roof with someone who is a constant reminder of what you once had or could have had in an aborted future. It will only make you crazy, then you'll start acting irrational, and then your ex-Dom will have no choice but to throw you out. Is that kind of D/s going to work for you? I think not. And what's with this continuing to "date other people" nonsense when you're two straws short of a basketcase ready to unravel? You had a life before you met him, give time for your wounds to heal by loving yourself apart from playing around, and find happiness again when you're in a better position to attract the right partner.

circasurvive -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 11:06:11 PM)
looks like she can't just leave like that the two of them are living together, in what I can only assume to be a leased apartment type of deal..So she can't leave, but..What I do say you do is explore other relationships..You can't pick and choose sides of a relationship you want, you said you have low self esteem..why put yourself into a situation where you'll just end up heartbroken?..

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/24/2013 11:26:51 PM)
You can always leave, but there's a price. You are young enough to think money is the big price to pay, some of us are old enough to realize when it comes to heartache and personal self esteem, the emotional wear and tear is the price, and it's not one worth paying.

circasurvive -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 12:19:37 AM)
you can't leave a leased apartment, you're in a contract, and then you also leave someone else with a burden..what if both of your names are on the lease. so many things, but the thing we dont know is the exact circumstances. i agree with you, that this isn't just about money, its about someones life..this person shouldn't try and salvage something from this..rip off the bandaid..get yourself together again, but don't put yourself through the heavy emotions and don't think d/s and romanticism aren't together..especially if yall got a past together...annd i'm done, lol

TigressLily -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 1:45:10 AM)
It's not a leased apt which she co-signed or she would have said so. It's pretty obvious she is financially dependent upon her ex and isn't in a position to move out on her own yet. quote: ORIGINAL: circasurvive looks like she can't just leave like that the two of them are living together, in what I can only assume to be a leased apartment type of deal.... Maybe it's my accounting/fiscal management background (which I hated, since I'm not a left-brained person), but when it comes to finances, I have come to the conclusion that there are funds which should always be kept separate, other than combined household expenses (unless someone deigns to live in Pollyanna BDSMland). No sub/slave should ever hand over everything s/he has to her/his Master. Ever. TPE be damned. If a Master cannot make do with supporting his s-type, then he doesn't deserve to be a Master. Should any Master be less a man than his vanilla counterpart? I think not. JMPFO.

polygyny4me -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 11:09:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TigressLily It's not a leased apt which she co-signed or she would have said so. It's pretty obvious she is financially dependent upon her ex and isn't in a position to move out on her own yet. quote: ORIGINAL: circasurvive looks like she can't just leave like that the two of them are living together, in what I can only assume to be a leased apartment type of deal.... Maybe it's my accounting/fiscal management background (which I hated, since I'm not a left-brained person), but when it comes to finances, I have come to the conclusion that there are funds which should always be kept separate, other than combined household expenses (unless someone deigns to live in Pollyanna BDSMland). No sub/slave should ever hand over everything s/he has to her/his Master. Ever. TPE be damned. If a Master cannot make do with supporting his s-type, then he doesn't deserve to be a Master. Should any Master be less a man than his vanilla counterpart? I think not. JMPFO. Good post TigressLily. We don't know whether the OP is in a leased apartment or not, we don't know whether she has access to funds or not, she may not have family or friends willing to take her in. Sometimes lifestyle choices burn all your friends and family options out (I know from a family members choices). The problem I see here is we don't know much of anything other than the OP has low self esteem and wants to be more independent. The problem I see is with the dominate (lower case intended), if they were in a romantic relationship and her self esteem is still an issue, why was he not already able to help build her up? It's EASY to dom one who is not ready to be dommed when you don't know what the hell you are doing, that would be one with self esteem issues, and not build her self esteem, it's a hell of a lot harder and more DOM like to build her up. A real Dominant or Master would not keep her financially leashed to him and say well I'm going to see others while you are still here, even if it hurts you. She would have a higher self esteem and funds to leave if she wished if she had what I consider what I consider a real Dom or Master. I agree one should have an emergency fund set aside, no matter the circumstances, but if she was 24/7, the Dom would have to provide her those funds. My /s/ and I just changed our profile to seeking a lifestyle maid, part of that is they get a stipend as well as their room and board, we don't expect anyone to pay their own relocation expenses or if they want to leave expenses, it's not their job, it is mine. Any Master or Dom should have enough control over their own life to have funds set aside for whatever purpose needed. How could anyone possibly think they can control another if they do not even have sense enough about them to have funds set aside? The other question is this, what kind of a person even remotely thinks they are a Dom or a Master when they care so little about the one who they are in charge of that they would leave them in a situation that is not desirable or what is best for them, when a dom ends a relationship that is romantic in nature should he not have the s types best interest in mind and make arrangements for them? On the other half of this site all too often we see those who are wannabes, I wanna be a boss types, not the ones that say "give me the responsibility for your well being, all of your well being, whether it is financial, emotional, physical, spiritual and lastly sexual? Yes lastly sexual, that is the easiest part of being a Master, the rest takes serious effort and thought and conscience. Now my /s/ works, but she is a boss and she loves what she does, she could walk away at any time and there would be no problem financially for us, I choose to let her work and she chooses to do so. As her Master it is my responsibility to see that all of her needs are met, if she decided to leave today she could and be financially fine, she would be able to take care of herself. It was and is my job to make sure she is capable of handling life without me, hell I could die tomorrow. A Master, a Dom should have this all figured out before they ever take on another life. I like the comment about pollyana bdsm, most seem to think it's a magical world of great sex, it can be, but not without the proper training for a Master. Hell even a masterful or dominate football team goes through training camp.

OsideGirl -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 11:27:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: circasurvive you can't leave a leased apartment, you're in a contract It's possible to break a lease and in most cases, the landlord/management company is willing to work out a settlement. Yup, it most likely will cost you, but that's better than being stuck in a toxic situation. quote: and then you also leave someone else with a burden. Relationships end. It's the risk you take and honestly, if he'd been a Dominant of any substance they would have discussed it at the beginning and had a plan in place. I kind of take issue with this: quote: ORIGINAL: TigressLily If a Master cannot make do with supporting his s-type, then he doesn't deserve to be a Master. Should any Master be less a man than his vanilla counterpart? I think not. JMPFO.[/color] I don't believe that being able to support a nonworking partner or spouse is indicative of whether someone is a man or Dominant.

kalikshama -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 11:32:36 AM)
quote: I have some recent self esteem issues, as well as not having any experience in being independent. quote: We have decided to continue parts of our relationship regarding building up my self esteem and making me a more independent person These are issues for therapy, not BDSM.

SweetAnise -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 11:54:16 AM)
Don't be pulled into that BS. Stay in your own room, start searching for another place, and move the fuck on. There is a complete difference in enjoying mind control and being mind fucked. You're being mind fucked and need a therapist not your dominant.

RedMagic1 -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 1:07:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetAnise Don't be pulled into that BS. You might be right about this, SweetAnise, but I am a bit concerned that you (and other posters, moreso than you) are putting all the responsibility on the guy. Just as the man isn't always the one in control of the relationship, so too the dominant isn't always the dominant one in the relationship. There are plenty of highly manipulative people with low self-esteem. I'm trying to imagine the guy here. He's financially supporting someone who sounds like a hot mess. Does she have any income? When was the last time she looked for a job? My guess is that his self-esteem isn't so great either, else why would he be putting up with that? Anyway, we're all just talking to one another blah blah blah, because the OP isn't providing any clarifying information. But, bottom line, we don't know she's being pulled into anything. Maybe he wanted her to move out and she begged and pleaded to get this phony nonsexual D/s thing instead.

TigressLily -> RE: D/s relationship without the romantic stuff (10/25/2013 1:18:04 PM)
Given that we don't know OP's specific standing insofar as employment, financial & social/familial resources, I can only infer what I can infer, and I could be off base. In her mid-20s, she may very well be gainfully employed, but apparently there are money issues here, and those shouldn't be an impediment or an excuse in and of itself to prevent her from moving out. If currently unemployed, then she'll need to find a job first if she has no buffer or fallback position. What is a given is that these two are NOT married, no longer in a committed LTR, children are not involved (or not mentioned), and she has no legal recourse. She is effectively relying on the good graces of her ex-Dom to tide her over and seems to be operating under the illusion that she can continue to stay with him in a platonic D/s capacity like roommates without the previous intimacy they shared. WTF? quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: circasurvive and then you also leave someone else with a burden. Relationships end. It's the risk you take and honestly, if he'd been a Dominant of any substance they would have discussed it at the beginning and had a plan in place. I kind of take issue with this: quote: ORIGINAL: TigressLily If a Master cannot make do with supporting his s-type, then he doesn't deserve to be a Master. Should any Master be less a man than his vanilla counterpart? I think not. JMPFO. I don't believe that being able to support a nonworking partner or spouse is indicative of whether someone is a man or Dominant. I did not preface my remark with regards to the arrangements couples make who are in exclusive, committed LTRs or marriages in terms of partners or spouses who do not work outside the home. OP is poly but not part of a polyamorous-household. Different commitment levels. Common sense does dictate that even in a 50s household, the wife (unless she had poor money-management skills) had her own mad money, some money stashed away in the proverbial cookie jar, was allowed to keep her own side earnings to save up for the new furniture or appliances she longed for or that Caribbean cruise vacation she dreamed about taking. I'm all about whoever is the more fiscally responsible should be in charge of the finances. In a marriage, it should be the more prudent spouse. My mother socked away money from her share of the budgeted household income, made a few of her own investments, and had enough money saved up after 20 of my parents' 32-year marriage for the both of them to retire on. My dad's South African gold-mine stock investments didn't pan out, so he had zilch in terms of that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, other than being homeowners. They were able to buy a luxury condo outright at a New England ski resort in the mountains and enjoy their sunset years without worrying about not having enough until his death, whereupon my mother later moved down to Florida, which is where she had wanted to retire. In a D/s-M/s, if it's the s-type, then this budgeting task should be delegated to her by her Dominant, particularly if he has a gambling problem or a tendency to squander money in an extravagant fashion. What I hear (and read in profiles when they pop up on homepage) too often is how the Dom not only expects 24/7 access to his sub/slave in a TPE, but then expects for her/him to still manage to pay her/his own way or otherwise hand over her/his entire paycheck to him. This is exploitation thinly disguised in the name of BDSM, and this is what I take exception to. I hear femsubs say how much they enjoy being able to give all their money to their Master. If he is a responsible Master, then he should be putting savings aside for her, that is if he genuinely has her best interests in mind. I just don't believe this is the case in most instances, and that the s-type's income is being used to sustain their standard of living, not unlike most vanilla marriages. If the s-type has a child from a previous marriage/liaison, then all the more reason for her to protect her child's (future) interests and to place them ABOVE her Master's, although opinions will vary on this issue. Again, JMHO, from a financial advisory standpoint.

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