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Reality Check - 10/29/2013 11:31:29 AM   
lovethyself


Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline 		I'm discovering that I have a *teensy* bit of social anxiety about trying to get out into the community. I've gone to some munches, met some very welcoming people, took the time I needed to process how I felt about it, tried a rope practice event, (I chickened out after the welcome tutorial/beginner lesson and left, partially because I didn't know anyone there and had no one to practice with).

This week I'm going to a couple of things, including my first play party on Sat (I swear I'm not gonna chicken out completely like last time. I'll already be there for the workshops prior, and I've met the organizer now).

But, for whatever reason I'm a mess of nerves. Butterflies, nausea, anxiety, and some other not pleasant things. In short, I'm scared. I've never really been confident in myself, though I've been good at hiding it in the past when necessary (at work, with friends, in leadership roles). Fake it till you make it kind of thing. In those other circumstances it didn't feel like the stakes were as high. It didn't matter if they didn't like me at work, as long as they were satisfied with the final product and I got along with others.

With this though, it's more about being accepted and liked for who I am, which puts me out there in a way I haven't been in a long time. It wouldn't take much to have my confidence shattered (yeah it's that fragile).

I guess what I'm asking for is a bit of what to expect, as well as any social gaffs to avoid. How do I avoid falling flat on my face and end up the laughing stock of the community (or this small corner of it)? I need a reality check to snap myself out of over thinking the whole thing and crippling myself before I even walk in the door.

Thanks
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 11:41:02 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		Oh. I can SOO identify with exactly what you are feeling.
Here is the good news. It gets easier!
And. Rather than go to a bunch of different events with all new people each time, stick with one group initially, go to all of their events, really get to know the regulars. It will make all the difference.

And don't worry about "falling flat on your face". 99% of the people at munches felt exactly like you their first few times. The beauty of this wacky and wonderful and kinky world is that we are ALL a little bit different than the vanilla world. You shouldn't really find that level of judgment at a munch. Especially if you let one or two friendly faces know that you are new and nervous.

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 11:44:45 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		My first play party, I sat and observed. I didn't play. I quietly met new people in the food/drink area and just hung out until I was comfortable.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Blonderfluff)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 11:55:08 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		you are gonna see some guy there with a bit of booger hanging out his nose, another whos zipper should be shut but aint, some girl trailing toilet paper........

look social anxiety is normal, have a stiff belt (not many) so ease you. we all do and have something we are insecure about. You look like you look, you act like you act. Live with it.

Dont slop gravy on your tie, and dont stab a dominiant in the eye with a fork

Think of it like this. You can be there, which should be slightly unnerving, or you could be here with me, in which case you would be puking nervous.

Go, have fun. fly, be free.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 12:10:44 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		As mad as MN is with his words, they are pretty straight to the point.

Just be your self, enjoy what you can and get to know people.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 12:57:38 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		The majority of people on the planet happen to be their own worst critic. Keep that in mind. We always think the stuff we do or might do is so much worse than anything embarrassing that someone else may do.

Social gaffes to avoid. Most of this you can wrap up with "don't be an asshat" rule. Sounds funny but I'm really not kidding. That's the easy stuff like 'if it doesn't belong to you, don't touch (including people) without permission." Don't play in the social area and try to keep social conversations at a low level or remove them from the play area. Watching other people play is fine, but don't get too close. (If you've ever been to a pool hall, you don't walk directly behind somebody trying to take a shot. Same thing.) Don't strike up conversations with people while they are playing or if they are still conducting their version of after care. That stuff right there is the basic 101 of courtesy and politeness in a public or community run play space. For the whole list, refer to the dungeon rules that are used for your particular group.

If your real life personality is anything like you are on the forum, I really don't see you having trouble with "don't be an asshat." You're a nice person and courtesy isn't one of your short suits.

The only thing I'd add for you is to remember that you are not required to play. You don't *have* to do anything you don't want to do. You are also perfectly free to turn down one person and if you choose to, decide that yes, you are willing to play with somebody entirely different. Use your scene negotiation skills and communicate effectively.

You're going to be fine. After you go to the event and see for yourself that you were fine, I think it would be great if you shared some post play party thoughts on the thread.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 1:04:31 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself
I guess what I'm asking for is a bit of what to expect, as well as any social gaffs to avoid. How do I avoid falling flat on my face and end up the laughing stock of the community (or this small corner of it)?

No matter how messed up you are, there are people in the community who are much (much!) more fucked up. I promise. You would have to make it a full time job to be the laughing stock of a kink community -- and there are, indeed, some people who appear to do just that!!!!

But you won't be one of them. You'll be fine. Just don't do anything that will cause you to talk to a jury or an ER doc, and everything will work itself out.

It sounds to me as though you might be best served by just remembering, "Don't overthink this."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 1:32:09 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		An additional thing is to decide ahead of time you won't play, you'll just help out. So you can meet other people while making coffee or collecting abandoned cups. Get to know people while not putting any pressure on yourself.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 1:49:21 PM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline 		It might be worth talking with the organizer there about who is willing to demo. Most communities have a group of fairly safe, friendly, dominants who service top at parties. They are good people to meet, they know everyone, and if you're interested, help you get your feet wet.

Talk to people, lots of them.

When I started going to parties I went with a female dominant friend and that helped me get connected. The first party I just hung out and met people, the second I started to play.

Something also to keep in mind is in most play party environments play can be a totally social thing. I've had many scenes at parties with people who were just friends, or where things just connected for that moment. A scene does not necessarily connect w/ an interest in something more.

Also, there are people who play with everyone, and those just there for their partner or partners. These days I am the polar opposite of who I was when I first going to play parties. My partner and I no longer play outside the relationship, though occasional close friends will assist us or we'll assist them w/ more intensive scenes.

However, if you ran into me at a party I'd be able to help you figure out who to talk to.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in


You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 1:50:34 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		I would recommend that you decide before going to the party that you're NOT going to play, that if anybody asks you to do so, you'll say, "Not tonight, thank you." Then, maybe, if you find the person interesting and he stays interested in you, talk. Get to know one another. Watch what's going on and if you see things happening that raise questions in your mind, ask about them. Also, circulate. Move around the room, without interrupting any play scenes going on, introduce yourself to people and ask questions.

If you meet any people you want to get to know further, exchange email addresses, or Fetlife screen names, or Yahoo (or other messenger) messenger names. Find out about other events and go to them as well.

As you learn of things you're interested in trying out, and get to trust people enough to try them with them, make plans to try them at the next play party.

Don't try to force things. Remember that the only difference between an intimate BDSM relationship and an intimate vanilla relationship is the presence of BDSM. Many people come into the BDSM community and don't realize this. They seem to think that as long as two people's BDSM interests are compatible, the two people must be compatible. It ain't so. When considering a person (and remember that consideration is ALWAYS a two way street) consider the whole person. If you don't think highly of him, then the fact that his BDSM interests line up nicely with yours is irrelevant.

Most importantly, if anybody approaches you with a "Me Dom, you sub, you must obey me," attitude, laugh in his face, if you can do so naturally, then walk away from him.

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 3:35:21 PM   
lovethyself


Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline 		FR

Thanks everyone. I know I'm making a mountain out of it, but sometimes my brain gets caught in a loop of contemplation, which if there is anxiety involved just spirals. This was the thought break I needed to regroup.

The play party that I'm going to is specifically for newbies. There is a day of workshops and demos for those that are new to the scene to get some info, learn some tricks, see what interests them and what doesn't, with a play party afterwards to "practice your skills" if you so choose. I'm definitely not going to do any actual scenes, since I don't really know anyone there yet (other than those that were seated with me at the munch), and I really don't do well with humiliation and insults (even the mild ones that some don't consider insulting). I'm not interested in role playing anything. What I could see happening though, is participating in some practice stuff to reinforce what I've learned, or bottom for someone else for the same purpose. If anything I'd be keeping it about technique.

LP, you made some good points. I hope you don't mind, but you have cmail.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Think of it like this. You can be there, which should be slightly unnerving, or you could be here with me, in which case you would be puking nervous.



Why would I be nervous with you Ron? I love giving bj's


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

You'll be fine. Just don't do anything that will cause you to talk to a jury or an ER doc, and everything will work itself out.



I've made mistakes in the past, some doozies that didn't involve either of those and yet they still haunt me to this day....

quote:



It sounds to me as though you might be best served by just remembering, "Don't overthink this."


I'm really trying to do just that. It may be that I've got so many things going on this week that I hit overload on the details and am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm sure it won't feel as big after tomorrow (the rope event), or the wedding on thursday..... Like I said, too many things right now, but if I put this off, I'll never make it to one. The nice easy newbie one is just my speed. Anything else I'd be going alone to, and the level of experience there would have me even more tweaked.


quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

Most importantly, if anybody approaches you with a "Me Dom, you sub, you must obey me," attitude, laugh in his face, if you can do so naturally, then walk away from him.


I have to say, one of the most empowering things about the trash that a new female sub to this site gets is the practice in telling someone like that "no". Thanks to the hng's when I first joined, and the people on this side that helped me to realize that that wasn't something I needed to heed, I'm fully capable of handling that kind of attention. lol.

Thanks again everyone. I'll be sure to post updates after the event.

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 3:46:06 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You've got some in return. Just so you know, I *never* mind that. I'm glad you think I'm able to help.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 5:17:04 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

With this though, it's more about being accepted and liked for who I am, which puts me out there in a way I haven't been in a long time. It wouldn't take much to have my confidence shattered (yeah it's that fragile).


If you don't feel the need to be accepted at work, why do you feel the need at a bdsm event? It's not any different. It's just people like you work with.

This is the question you need to ask yourself. Why the differences?



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 6:12:37 PM   
lovethyself


Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

If you don't feel the need to be accepted at work, why do you feel the need at a bdsm event? It's not any different. It's just people like you work with.

This is the question you need to ask yourself. Why the differences?



It's a different kind of acceptance.

At work I am being (mostly) judged on my productivity and end result, not on my interpersonal skills. For the record, I'm the only person in my department (my management structure is a different department). So a lot of my time is spent by myself in the shop and only interacting with others when there are complications or at the beginning/end of a project.

The BDSM event (at least for me) is more about stepping into a group with the potential for friends and possibly more. That puts my emotional involvement and investment at a different level than at my job. I'm not looking to get cuddly with the table saw, and I don't think it would do me much good if I did. I am looking at one day (though likely not Sat) being able to hand control over for a scene at least. I'm not sure how that is supposed to be on the same level as my ability to perform tasks related to my job.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 7:21:18 PM   
Ilyrium


Posts: 189
Joined: 10/2/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself
I'm discovering that I have a *teensy* bit of social anxiety about trying to get out into the community.


Were you planning on going alone?
If you were, you might consider enlisting a friend to accompany you.

I used to go to Plato's Retreat, way back in the 70's, for example, which was this cornucopia of love near midtown NY, and to Le Trapeze, which was a D/s club, and, I found that when I was with someone, I was more successful at striking up conversations than when I was alone.

Likewise, until a few years ago, there was a place called "The Forum" in San Jose, which was a swing club that let single males in on Friday nights (someone has to pay the bills), where, again, I found that it was tremendously easier to join conversations when I was with someone else.

As for a "play party", I'm not sure if I'm sufficiently kink-aware to know what you mean.

I was a member of Edges, for example, in San Jose for a few years (until they closed down due to zoning violations), and, if THAT is what you are calling a play party (I'd call it a dungeon party or something of that ilk), pretty much you can sit by the sidelines and do nothing, or, you can participate, or, you can do both with ease. Nobody is pushy, and there are DMs there anyway, to enforce the rules that they taught you when you became a member in the first place (I liked the one where they told you what to do in case the Police showed up when you were spanking someone - since marked spanking in California is illegal even with consent).

If the play party is at a larger less neighborly venue, such as the Citadel, or worse, the Power Exchange in San Francisco, well then, you do have a bit to worry about simply because the sheer number of people (hundreds) means the percentages for issues can rise.

So, I hope, for your sake, it's a small get together, such as those legendary ones at Edges or even The House, in Fremont, where the entire D/s play party happens by invite only at someone's private residence, with no more than about 20 or 30 people attending.

As for ending up being the laughing stock, that won't happen, even if you do literally fall flat on your face. This community is well tuned to noobs, and treats them well.

Good luck! Please do let us know how well it turns out for you.

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 8:05:33 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Ok, then it's whole public scene thing that I don't understand I guess. I just feel too old to to care about who accepts me or not, be it my work or elsewhere. You either do or you don't.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Ilyrium)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 9:45:29 PM   
lovethyself


Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Ok, then it's whole public scene thing that I don't understand I guess. I just feel too old to to care about who accepts me or not, be it my work or elsewhere. You either do or you don't.



Perhaps it's more that you already have that happy home-zone with the partner that works for you that is making it hard for you to understand.

When I have someone at home that understands me and is willing to stand the test of time with me, I may have a different opinion about the public scene. Until then, the public local scene is one of the places that I plan to look for what you've already found in Kana. Having that and looking for that are two different levels of personal emotional risk.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Reality Check - 10/29/2013 10:47:02 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		I can't offer much more than what the others have said, but I did learn a little trick a long time ago when I was first made to go on stage at school. It's really simple. When you start feeling 'freaky', stop and take a deep breath while counting to ten slowly. Exhale, using a ten count. Repeat at least four times while concentrating on a little spot in the center of your forehead. I don't know how it works, it just does. By the time I was on the second repetition, I was calm enough to do what was expected of me (in that case, playing a tree in a school play). It's just a basic relaxation technique, but it does work. Hope you enjoy your experience.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Reality Check - 10/30/2013 5:31:02 AM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

The BDSM event (at least for me) is more about stepping into a group with the potential for friends and possibly more.


Be very very careful about the "possibly more" in a play party environment. I can't think of any successful long term relationships that I've seen come out of play parties. I've been in and at times simply around my local community for 5+ years, and I've never seen more than inbred drama.

Play parties are the most dramatic, sexually charged, environments out there.

Not good for finding a "home zone".

Solid BDSM relationships come about the same way as any other good old fashion courting and dating.

quote:

That puts my emotional involvement and investment at a different level than at my job. I'm not looking to get cuddly with the table saw, and I don't think it would do me much good if I did.


Get out of your head getting cuddly with anyone at the party. Also, get out of your head if you play with someone at a party they will be your soul mate. It don't work that way.

quote:

I am looking at one day (though likely not Sat) being able to hand control over for a scene at least. I'm not sure how that is supposed to be on the same level as my ability to perform tasks related to my job.


Being a submissive in a scene at a party actually is very much like a job. I ALWAYS approached it like a job, not a sexual thing. My job was to listen, obey, and be able to make whatever the dominant wanted a reality.

Party scenes with non partners, which seems to be what you are talking about, are not romantic endeavors. They are technical exercises.

Also, people who go to parties to play with others, while they may not always say it, that is exactly what they want, since emotional attachment creates drama and you won't be invited back on the dance card.

EDITED TO ADD: Also, contracted scenes at parties are not about handing over control. Yeah, I am the submissive in the scene, but only in that. Since it is a stranger situation any worthwhile play partner wants the other to speak up if anything is amiss.

One of my first scenes at a party I did a partial suspension, I noted that some of the ropes were too tight. I got thanked for saying so, the scene went on, and I went on to do two full suspensions with the same partner. Why? Because he could trust me to have a brain.

< Message edited by sheisreeds -- 10/30/2013 5:36:44 AM >

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in


You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Reality Check - 10/30/2013 5:50:34 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Lovethyself, you have mail:)


_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
/ \

\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to sheisreeds)
Profile   Post #: 20
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