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RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/1/2013 8:09:54 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Caius



.... I'm of that school that believes that a dominant carries an extra burden to be trustworthy and dependable, even beyond that which should always be expected in other serious relationships, pretentious though that may sound. I don't like giving blanket advice in situations like these, since there is always room for all manner of nuance and context to the situation which the rest of us here may be unaware of. That being said, in my experience people are often slow to change when it comes to how they approach matters of trust. At least when it comes to being better about it being worthy of it or giving it; you can learn to have reservations about giving it relatively fast, and nothing does that faster than to give successive chances to someone you know will lie to your face. Best of luck.


Those words really resonated with me. In *my* mind, taking any sort of control of a person it not all shits and giggles. It comes with a burden of responsibility. It's kinda like being a doctor 'do no harm.'

Breaking trust by cheating is doing harm in a major way to me. Being poly and hiding it, or 'springing' it on someone, or being vague about whether or not the relationship is monogamous, are all signs of someone who does not take their burden of responsibility seriously. On the contrary, these are signs of someone who wants all the fun of ownership, but doesn't want the burden of responsibility. Because in my mind, a good dominant takes being HONEST in the relationship very seriously.

Being dishonest in the relationship in *any* way means you need a 'come to Jesus' type of talk.

_____________________________



(in reply to Caius)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/1/2013 8:16:55 AM   
DanielleofMists


Posts: 57
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		I don't remember who said this....

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/1/2013 8:32:44 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		That was Maya Angelou, Danielle. :)

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to DanielleofMists)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/1/2013 8:38:02 AM   
DanielleofMists


Posts: 57
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		Oh right! Thanks!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/1/2013 8:38:43 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I was overwhelmed with the amount of replies and the seemingly mean nature of many of the comments.

I went through the thread this morning, thoughtfully.
And I saw 3, possibly 4 replies (out of more than 30) that might be construed as "mean" , and of those, I think only one really was... from my perspective.
I don't think 10- 12% is many, but apparently you do.

So why are you so upset about those few?


Most of the people there validated your feeling hurt and did not put you down.
What were you hoping to hear?

It is none of my business but I am wondering if what you were hoping to hear was some kind of magic formula on how not to feel legitimately hurt (and consequently angry)... ?

Either you are okay with his seeing someone else, when there was a promise of monogamy, or you aren't.
Either his being in a poly(amorous) arrangement is something you can live with, or it isn't.
(One does not have to be completely happy with something to live with it.)
And perhaps most important, either it is okay that he behaved without integrity or it isn't.

If you are considering staying with him, then you may find information on Poly-type relationships helpful.

Here are 2 pieces that others have found useful:

http://www.xeromag.com/making_relationships_suck.pdf
edit to replace link



"Florida Poly Retreat 2008 How to Screw Up a Poly Relationship (and make everyone miserable while you’re at it)
If you are interested in building strong, healthy polyamorous relationships which allow everyone involved to grow and to seek happiness, there are many resources out there that can help you. You’ll find books, Web sites (including mine!), and all sorts of guide-lines that can give you tools to make your relationships better.This is not one of those resources.This is a guideline for developing the tools and techniques to reduce your relationships to smoking craters, and to maximize the chances of catastrophic failure and personal unhappiness. Along the way, we’ll talk about techniques to create rigid and confining relationship rules, use boundaries as blunt instruments, and make hostile environ-ments guaranteed to make your partners unhappy.If that doesn’t sound like your thing, you might want to read this anyway so as to get asense of what not to do. "

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/elise.shtml

"How to f*** up

The preceding list of answers to questions about polyamory is not a guide to how to have a working polyamorous relationship, although we have strong anecdotal evidence that the tools mentioned are useful in all sorts of relationships, mono and poly. We do, however, have the following guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in polyamorous relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy monogamous relationships as well; they're truly multipurpose tools. We post this listing for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied. "

_____________________________

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(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/1/2013 11:00:42 PM   
zerogirl


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/15/2013
Status: offline 		My opinion is that you two had an agreement and he broke that, what more is needed? If he can't keep his word 3 months in then it's doubtful you can trust him in a long-term commitment. You can either drop him and be done or confront him and go from there. If he's poly then he's an asshat for not being up front with it and I still think he's deserving of the boot for lying. Back in my days of searching for a Dom, I came across more than a few who claimed to want a monogamous relationship but later on when talking about the potential of something long-term would mention wanting multiple slaves. It was a dealbreaker for me, I'm not poly, I've known some cool poly people but I've only ever wanted monogamy and the bdsm scene is one of the few places where it seems like you can find just as many poly folks as those interested in a monogamous relationship. So my advice is to be clear in the very beginning if you find someone new that you're strictly interested in something monogamous if there is any doubt that you were possibly unclear with your current Dom. Though frankly I think it sounds like he just plain old cheated on you. Sorry.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/2/2013 1:15:27 AM   
Soulbinder


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		My guess is that when he said she would be the only one in play, he meant one thing and she took it to mean another.

Him: "I won't play with anyone else while in a scene while we are playing in that moment."
Her: "We are 100% monogamous on every level."

I'm not exactly getting the "experienced lifestyler" vibe off of her so it's likely that she went with the vanilla default settings of all relationships being monogamous. And who knows how many times she has seen him in person over the 3 months they have been seeing eachother. Maybe every day, maybe just once and the rest online. But I know from experience that monogamy needs to be agreed to, not just discussed and/or assumed. Plus, a D/s relationship doesn't necessarily mean a sexual or romantic relationship. I have known straight male Masters who have had male subs purely for service submission and female Dominants who have had gay male subs for service as well. This does not break monogamy, in my opinion. Things need to be negotiated and agreed to and I think there has been a failure of that here, which can happen when someone is new and inexperienced.

(in reply to zerogirl)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/2/2013 5:52:35 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		When B and I met, I was seeing another guy from this site, I was discussing being a bondage bottom with a guy from Fet, and I mentioned polyamory on my OKC profile. On our second or third date, B told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't share and if I wanted to continue dating him, I needed to ditch the other guy. We had an adult conversation about STD tests, monogamy, etc., which was awkward and uncomfortable at times, but well worth it.

In a previous relationship, we thought we were both poly, but it turned out I meant polyamory and he meant poly fuckery, and the sheer volume of his partners turned out to be a real turn off for me. I turned out to be not poly in that relationship either, as no one else tripped my trigger, and after a while, he didn't either.

Clarity is important.

(in reply to Soulbinder)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/2/2013 6:37:40 AM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		One question about this, when you said the guy had a d/s with someone else, what was the nature of that (if you know)...the reason I ask is D/s can have a variety of flavors, so for example, someone could be monogamous with someone sexually, but have a s where they didn't have sex with them (played with them, they were a service sub,etc). Note this is not to say that the person in question isn't wrong in what they did, even playing with someone else when there is an expectation of being an only to me is not good, but I wanted to make the point that d/s can have many different meanings, so it is possible the D/s with the other person is not sexual.........though odds are it probably is, and as I said, claiming you are his and not disclosing the other relationship(s) is not cool IMO.

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/2/2013 9:53:50 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Soulbinder

But I know from experience that monogamy needs to be agreed to, not just discussed and/or assumed.
Which leads right back to: She doesn't have the experience. He does. That means the responsibility of disclosure is on the partner with experience.

However, a lot of the men who proclaim to be Dominant here aren't honest about what they're doing because they know that most female subs will walk away. I don't believe "If you don't ask, I don't have to tell" is a valid defense.

She and I had a brief conversation in email and I completely understand where she is coming from.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Soulbinder)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/2/2013 3:06:07 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		When I met my sweetie I was dating more than one man. He knew this. He also said he was willing for me to make up my mind and would wait for me. I ended up making that commitment to him and ended all other relationships. We committed to monogamy.

He plays with others - with my knowledge and consent. There are rules. For instance, no sexual play, I will be present, though not necessarily in the room when he plays with others and so on.
I have played with others - with the same stipulations.

The point is, we talked, we negotiated and we came to (in my mind) solid conclusions. And since we are in a committed, loving relationship I can't see either of us breaking these rules. I'm not saying it wouldn't ever happen, that would be just stupid, but where we are right now, I can't see either of us cheating.

OP - I don't see the integrity in your Dom. He broke the rules of your relationship, and with that, broke the relationship. Only you can know if you can accept what happened.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/4/2013 9:48:59 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DanielleofMists


When someone shows you who they are, believe them

I love that quote.

I remember when the Mister & I were getting to know each other, whatever he did - whether I liked it or didn't like it - I viewed as, "He is showing me who he is." And the same in reverse. Whether he liked or didn't like my nature, it's who I am, and I was showing him who I was.

But yes, believe what you are being shown, rather than rationalize it into something different.

A lie or lack of disclosure would have shown me he was not an honest man, and that would not have been good enough for me. I need honesty.

And it is my opinion that feeling confused, hurt, sad, and even heart broken three months into a relationship is red flag enough to decide it's not the relationship for me. A relationship needs to enhance my world, not cause it stress. I wish the OP well.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to DanielleofMists)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/5/2013 4:34:03 PM   
Lunabear1234


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/29/2013
Status: offline 		Wow, I am overwhelmed with the amount of replies I have received on one of my first submissions. Some nice and some not so nice. I agreed with osidegirl and my lack of details has allowed for some conjuncture. I also have noticed that some chose to address me on others threads that I have commented on. Which if i may ask not to do that, I really dont want to take away from others concerns. So let me just put it out there and people may take what they want from it and advise as they see fit. Try and be nice.:)
Facts:
I met my Keeper on a vanilla dating site
After a week he and I discussed only dating eachother to see what we can do with eachother
We dated 2 months (seeing eachother 3-4 times weekly) and were intimate
early he opened me up to BDSM, stating only having one D/S relationship in the past and began training me
I found out he was trying to reconcile an old relationship (vanilla) He stated he wanted me if made to choose ( I made him)
due to the lack of honesty he gave me open territory on his phone, email, etc
I waited two weeks and quietly read every text on his phone
I found he had been having a M/S relationship with another girl a month into my relationship with him (on top of the vanilla ex)
Once I knew he was honest in his responses. He also has had no further contact with either and allows me to look whenever i feel i need to
So there it is.....My full no room for assumptions story. I know that some will find me naive for staying and so on and so on. But I love him..
the floor is yours...go..:)

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/5/2013 5:13:55 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally I would have been gone the moment he said "If I have to choose". I would have made the choice to walk away.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/5/2013 6:48:57 PM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

the floor is yours...go.



If you don't like being lied to and cheated on, leave. He was cheating on you with 2 women right out of the chute, and fesses up because he was cauht.

Or stay, and just accept the fact that being with this guy means a life of heartache.

You're a grown up. Choose.





_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/5/2013 6:53:15 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lunabear1234
I know that some will find me naive for staying and so on and so on. But I love him..
the floor is yours...go..:)



Ultimately, it is your choice....and some relationships survive and even thrive after cheating.

People are usually on their best behavior during the first 6 months of a relationship.

But, I will give you a word of warning. Actions always speak louder than words. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/5/2013 8:45:20 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		As Dr Phil is so fond of saying "past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior". Or something like that there. I personally believe, through many years of experience, that once a cheater always a cheater.
I finally came to the realization that I'm worth much more than that & deserve the best Man for me.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".


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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/5/2013 10:20:35 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lunabear1234
I know that some will find me naive for staying and so on and so on. But I love him..
the floor is yours...go..:)

It doesn't sound to me as though you love him. It sounds to me as though you hate yourself.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: When a Dom breaks a trust? - 11/6/2013 3:34:26 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Let me see if I understand:

1. He said that if you forced him to chose, he would stop seeing Woman 2. He told you that you could check.
2. Two weeks later you checked, and learned he was seeing Woman 3 in addition to Woman 2 and you.

Honestly, the deception would bother me more than the cheating. I could not trust this man, or feel safe with him.

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 59
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