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lizi -> RE: I think a former sub of mine is addicted to me (10/31/2013 10:22:59 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
What he's doing is wrong, and you should certainly do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe. But having said that, I'd like to share a slightly different perspective on this.
Being someone's sub/slave can create a VERY POWERFUL connection. It can almost be like a form of co-dependence. It can be much stronger than a typical vanilla relationship.
Imagine placing someone else's desires ahead of your own. Their happiness becomes more important than your own. Their needs become more important than your own. Their priorities become more important than your own. Regardless of what you're doing, you drop it when they call and then their task becomes your focus. Even if it's 3:00am, if Master/Mistress calls and says "Go to the store and get me some ice cream", that's exactly what you do. The fact that you're sleepy is irrelevant. The fact that it's weird to want ice cream at 3:00 in the morning is irrelevant. All that matters is doing what is necessary to please your Master/Mistress.
Now imagine that after operating in that fashion for months or even years, your Master/Mistress decides to end the relationship. The person who has been your primary focus suddenly doesn't want you anymore.
The problem is that their well-being has replaced your own in many ways. Their happiness has become the source of your happiness. And now all of that is gone. You can feel lost and confused. It can feel like a part of you has been completely ripped out. And it can make you want to beg and plead for them to PLEASE let you serve them again.
I know that all D/s relationships aren't the same. Some are really only "play partner" relationships. But those relationships that have a deep and personal, loving, monogamous element to them can be very difficult to simply let go of. Moreover, if a person was able to inspire that level of submission, they are probably a pretty remarkable individual (at least in the eyes of the person who chose to submit to them). So that puts them on an even higher pedestal.
I'm not trying to justify your former sub's behavior. There's no excuse for it. But as a sub who has had a few breakups over the years, I just wanted to share my perspective on why the breakup is often far more difficult for the sub than the Dom/Domme. So some level of compassion and empathy is necessary. Particularly if you allowed this person to behave as if You are the most important person in the world. Suddenly removing the most important person in his/her world is not going to be easy for them to accept and/or deal with.
I can admit that there is a former Domme that I still think about and would immediately fall back into total servitude to if given the opportunity. And I haven't been with her for over a decade. But the bond that we had was that strong (at least for me).
I hear what you're saying about an s type feeling lost and confused when the focal point of their life is taken away, I can see where it might be more difficult for them to just move on when requested to do so. You suggest that some level of compassion and empathy is necessary…ok, but I think as far as actions, in a case like this the Dominant really has to cut things off. I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting by saying the Dominant should extend compassion towards the sub, but if it's trickling things down instead of just cutting things off I think that would not be good.
In the OP, this submissive in my opinion has gone beyond the normal grieving process into unhealthy territory, and if the Dominant in question extended her compassion towards the ex by allowing some contact, it would only exacerbate his suffering in the end.
I had a breakup with a long term D/s relationship. It was horrible, you're right, I lost my focal point. I drifted aimlessly for a while, it did feel worse than a 'regular' break up. After a good while of getting over it, I was on the way to actually being over it and he came back. I turned him down, but it set me back to the point that I'm not feeling as healthy now months longer than after the original breakup. I wish he'd stuck with his original plan and forgotten I'd ever existed, I'm still paying the price for his change of heart.
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