Deciding a punishment

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Deciding a punishment

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Deciding a punishment

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Deciding a punishment - 10/31/2013 9:34:23 PM

decoy2653

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/21/2013
Status: offline

I've gotten some ideas from the forum so far on punishments, but there has to be a better way than using other people's methods. I'm still new to being a dom so I'd like some advice on how to choose a punishment for my sub. Straight up ridding myself of her is out of the question, unless there is completely disrespectful behavior, considering I do love her. I've used silence as a punishment but I save that for only the most drastic punishments because it hurts us both, and her more so knowing that it hurts me.

Post #: 1

RE: Deciding a punishment - 10/31/2013 9:39:45 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Why do you have to punish her? If what she is doing is so wrong, why not discuss it between you and find a solution? She is only one part of the equation, you are the other.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 2

RE: Deciding a punishment - 10/31/2013 11:40:58 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

We don't know what kind of relationship you have...

but perhaps you need to know that not all of us are involved in relationships that use punishment.

So why are you using punishment and what things do you think merit punishment?

It is much easier to have someone who simply is willing to obey.
I don't think you can punish for unwillingness... I don't think it will give you the desire you want.

Most reasonable people don't punish for good honest attempts to do something that end with an unwanted result.
I am assuming you want her to succeed... so that would be a good time to problem solve instead of punishing.

If you are new, then perhaps you could change your perspective?

Punishment is a tool.
What is your goal in using it?

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 3

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 12:28:41 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Punishment dynamics do not mean you need to punish for every infraction.

We have a punishment dynamic and I've been punished 4 times in the last 3+ years. Each time the punishment has been given it was for things that I had done that I had wilfully done, knowing they were expressly against Master's wishes.

He doesn't punish for mistakes (eg. breaking a plate) or for things outside of my control (traffic jams, emergencies at work). Those things we discuss and then move on.

Punishment needn't be an everyday thing - after a while it would lose its meaning and impact. He also doesn't do the ignoring thing, as it causes too much emotional damage to me and causes me to withdraw and put up barriers between us. Instead, we discuss the problem, find out why it happened, give the punishment (caning or essay usually), he forgives me (and I forgive myself) and we move forward.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 4

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 2:59:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Punishment doesn't work here. It doesn't teach me anything except to be afraid of him. It certainly doesn't teach me how to do things differently in the future.

So if you are only punishing, and not problem solving, that's your error.

Here, willful disobedience would mean there's major relationship problems and punishment wouldn't magically fix resentment, loss of trust in the other, etc.

What you need to do first is find out why.

We went through a period where I got bitchy every afternoon. His response was not to backhand me or stop talking to me but to ask me why. Turns out that every time I looked at what was going on with me, it was because I was hungry. It was late afternoon and he hadn't stopped the entire day for food. No punishment will cure hunger, thirst and tiredness. Him fixing the schedule did.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/1/2013 3:01:43 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 5

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 4:27:32 AM

SunTzuSwe

Posts: 82
Joined: 4/25/2013
Status: offline

I think it's a common misconception that pain play and other imaginative torment has to be a punishment. I haven't actually punished my girl yet but I'll spank her, cane her and cause her delightful torment whenever I wish. I don't need a reason, I'll do it because I like it. Personally I think punishment is more common in role-play than actual life. So before starting to look for more ways to punish her I wonder if it is really punishment you are looking for?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 6:39:17 AM

Grael

Posts: 31
Joined: 10/21/2013
Status: offline

Punishment on a whole for me is only used in roleplay. Most people couldn't be on 24/7 and stay sane. And with modern day punishing someone for disobeying you would be akin to old style slavery. But in truth what are you using the punishment for? If you feel comfortable saying so. What do you want it to accomplish?

Maybe most important. What kind of a relationship do you have with your other?

_____________________________

Nothing is impossible.
Everything is improbable.

(in reply to SunTzuSwe)

Post #: 7

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 7:58:39 AM

decoy2653

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/21/2013
Status: offline

I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

(in reply to Grael)

Post #: 8

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 8:02:28 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Ignore the dogfuck out of her. That is a good punishment.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 9

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 8:06:20 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

Well. For a long distance relationship , I would think that simply putting a much shortened Time limit on "x" number of phone calls could be effective. I know the worst punishments for me where ALWAYS getting ignored.

So. Say" for the next 2 days, our phone conversations will be 5 min (or whatever you come up with) long, I will discuss your well being and that is it"

guessing it would work. I mean seriously. How are you going to punish long distance ?

Also. Have you two met in RT yet? You said long distance, on-line.

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 10

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 8:22:30 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Ignore the dogfuck out of her. That is a good punishment.

I have to disagree with that.

1) I think it's a childish way to deal with problems. I wouldn't tolerate that in a relationship regardless of the type of relationship.

2) In a long distance relationship, not having contact is probably the biggest reason for failure of the relationship...and you're using it as a weapon.

To the OP: The bottom line is that you're in an LDR. You're not going to be able to make her do anything that she doesn't want to do. So, I would suggest having a "come to Jesus" conversation, where you remind her that this is what she signed up for. It's also a time for you to figure out the "why" rather than just throwing punishments out there.

And lastly, you're punishment dynamic isn't working. So, perhaps you should be looking for a different method.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 11/1/2013 8:24:56 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 11

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 9:01:45 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

yeah, trouble with me being shorthand. I am assuming there has been a come to jesus over this, and that something is flawed. With the limited information, I would also assume that something was tasked (for some reason) and it was not done, but was lied about or ignored.

Guess what? You ignore me, you cant expect my punishments to not fit your crime. If ignoring is what you're after, that is what you will get. You wanna take a fuckin hike, cuz I am doing it wrong? Seeya, wouldn't wanna beya.

Although, I see and respect what you are saying, Oside, so I guess we will disagree on this.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 11:50:44 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653

I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

If she is lying to you... You have far bigger issues than punishment... just saying

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 13

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 11:58:40 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653

I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

I'm confused. Your sub lies to you and doesn't do what you want. It doesn't sound like she wants to be your sub. She either needs way more control, or to be cut loose.

How about a strong 'come to Jesus' talk about where the two of you are and what you're doing.

The online only thing is hard for so many reasons. The big one is you don't *really* know one another if you haven't met. You can't *really* own her. So your working in the dark in many ways.

Sorry for being a downer, but unless you have some serious honest communication, this relationship is destined to fail. Punishment is not going to fix what's broken.

ETA: Jesus is busy this afternoon.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 11/1/2013 12:00:55 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 14

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 12:07:10 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653

I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

If she is lying to you... You have far bigger issues than punishment... just saying

BadOne

Ditto....

I would add.... Not doing what you want could also bigger issue than punishment is going to address

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 11/1/2013 12:09:20 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 15

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 12:41:10 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653
Straight up ridding myself of her is out of the question, unless there is completely disrespectful behavior, considering I do love her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653
Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason.

I'm not trying to ride your ass or anything, but if both of these are true, you might as well skip the punishment. You're teaching her a much more effective lesson in the fact that she can lie to you and you'll tolerate it because you love her. If that is what you want in your life, more power to you, but it's not something I'd be willing to engage in.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to decoy2653)

Post #: 16

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 1:06:54 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Why does she feel she has to lie to you?
Do you blow up in anger? Because if she doesn't feel safe being honest, that needs fixing first. And you only have to lose it once for her to think honesty is not safe for a long time after.

Does she have the option of safewording out? Going to a party may be no big thing for you, but if she has undiagnosed social anxiety, it's a huge thing for her.

Does she need help figuring out how to do whatever successfully or are you not helping her break it down into manageable steps. And going through whatever step she's stuck on till she gets it.

And if this involves drug/alcohol, then give up. D/s is not a cure for addiction.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 5:18:39 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You've got a problem.

Your relationship is online only, which means that your grip on her is not that great. She's lying to you, and you feel you need to punish her.

Find out why she lied first. Make darn sure that your punishment will result in her not repeating the behavior. Note that if she ignores the command to punish herself, it's over.

Good luck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 6:55:53 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

Not everyone has punishment dynamics. I don't. As a Domme I'd much rather discuss and work things out. As a sub/little, my Daddy feels the same way.

If you really don't want to give her the heave ho but she's lying to you, I don't know, try giving her a time out maybe? Meaning, tell her she doesn't get to be in contact with you for X amount of time and, while she's not allowed, she gets to think about why she's being punished and how she will change her behavior. Then, depending on what she says - and does - after reconnecting, she stays or goes. I can tell you, if a sub of mine was lying to me, he'd get ONE chance and ONE chance ONLY. If he did it again, he'd be gone. I take lying very seriously.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 19

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 9:37:21 PM

decoy2653

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/21/2013
Status: offline

I'm saying if.... This was all hypothetical. In the event that she does any of said things. How would I go about deciding a fair punishment?

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Deciding a punishment

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.110