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Deciding a punishment - 10/31/2013 9:34:23 PM

decoy2653

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Joined: 10/21/2013
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I've gotten some ideas from the forum so far on punishments, but there has to be a better way than using other people's methods. I'm still new to being a dom so I'd like some advice on how to choose a punishment for my sub. Straight up ridding myself of her is out of the question, unless there is completely disrespectful behavior, considering I do love her. I've used silence as a punishment but I save that for only the most drastic punishments because it hurts us both, and her more so knowing that it hurts me.

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 10/31/2013 9:39:45 PM

Missokyst

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Why do you have to punish her? If what she is doing is so wrong, why not discuss it between you and find a solution? She is only one part of the equation, you are the other.

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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RE: Deciding a punishment - 10/31/2013 11:40:58 PM

angelikaJ

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We don't know what kind of relationship you have...

but perhaps you need to know that not all of us are involved in relationships that use punishment.

So why are you using punishment and what things do you think merit punishment?

It is much easier to have someone who simply is willing to obey.
I don't think you can punish for unwillingness... I don't think it will give you the desire you want.

Most reasonable people don't punish for good honest attempts to do something that end with an unwanted result.
I am assuming you want her to succeed... so that would be a good time to problem solve instead of punishing.

If you are new, then perhaps you could change your perspective?

Punishment is a tool.
What is your goal in using it?

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 12:28:41 AM

myotherself

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Punishment dynamics do not mean you need to punish for every infraction.

We have a punishment dynamic and I've been punished 4 times in the last 3+ years. Each time the punishment has been given it was for things that I had done that I had wilfully done, knowing they were expressly against Master's wishes.

He doesn't punish for mistakes (eg. breaking a plate) or for things outside of my control (traffic jams, emergencies at work). Those things we discuss and then move on.

Punishment needn't be an everyday thing - after a while it would lose its meaning and impact. He also doesn't do the ignoring thing, as it causes too much emotional damage to me and causes me to withdraw and put up barriers between us. Instead, we discuss the problem, find out why it happened, give the punishment (caning or essay usually), he forgives me (and I forgive myself) and we move forward.

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 2:59:28 AM

DesFIP

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Punishment doesn't work here. It doesn't teach me anything except to be afraid of him. It certainly doesn't teach me how to do things differently in the future.

So if you are only punishing, and not problem solving, that's your error.

Here, willful disobedience would mean there's major relationship problems and punishment wouldn't magically fix resentment, loss of trust in the other, etc.

What you need to do first is find out why.

We went through a period where I got bitchy every afternoon. His response was not to backhand me or stop talking to me but to ask me why. Turns out that every time I looked at what was going on with me, it was because I was hungry. It was late afternoon and he hadn't stopped the entire day for food. No punishment will cure hunger, thirst and tiredness. Him fixing the schedule did.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/1/2013 3:01:43 AM >

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 4:27:32 AM

SunTzuSwe

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I think it's a common misconception that pain play and other imaginative torment has to be a punishment. I haven't actually punished my girl yet but I'll spank her, cane her and cause her delightful torment whenever I wish. I don't need a reason, I'll do it because I like it. Personally I think punishment is more common in role-play than actual life. So before starting to look for more ways to punish her I wonder if it is really punishment you are looking for?

(in reply to DesFIP)

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 6:39:17 AM

Grael

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Punishment on a whole for me is only used in roleplay. Most people couldn't be on 24/7 and stay sane. And with modern day punishing someone for disobeying you would be akin to old style slavery. But in truth what are you using the punishment for? If you feel comfortable saying so. What do you want it to accomplish?

Maybe most important. What kind of a relationship do you have with your other?

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 7:58:39 AM

decoy2653

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I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

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Post #: 8

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 8:02:28 AM

mnottertail

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Ignore the dogfuck out of her. That is a good punishment.

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 8:06:20 AM

Blonderfluff

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Well. For a long distance relationship , I would think that simply putting a much shortened Time limit on "x" number of phone calls could be effective. I know the worst punishments for me where ALWAYS getting ignored.

So. Say" for the next 2 days, our phone conversations will be 5 min (or whatever you come up with) long, I will discuss your well being and that is it"

guessing it would work. I mean seriously. How are you going to punish long distance ?

Also. Have you two met in RT yet? You said long distance, on-line.

(in reply to decoy2653)

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 8:22:30 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Ignore the dogfuck out of her. That is a good punishment.

I have to disagree with that.

1) I think it's a childish way to deal with problems. I wouldn't tolerate that in a relationship regardless of the type of relationship.

2) In a long distance relationship, not having contact is probably the biggest reason for failure of the relationship...and you're using it as a weapon.

To the OP: The bottom line is that you're in an LDR. You're not going to be able to make her do anything that she doesn't want to do. So, I would suggest having a "come to Jesus" conversation, where you remind her that this is what she signed up for. It's also a time for you to figure out the "why" rather than just throwing punishments out there.

And lastly, you're punishment dynamic isn't working. So, perhaps you should be looking for a different method.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 11/1/2013 8:24:56 AM >

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 9:01:45 AM

mnottertail

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yeah, trouble with me being shorthand. I am assuming there has been a come to jesus over this, and that something is flawed. With the limited information, I would also assume that something was tasked (for some reason) and it was not done, but was lied about or ignored.

Guess what? You ignore me, you cant expect my punishments to not fit your crime. If ignoring is what you're after, that is what you will get. You wanna take a fuckin hike, cuz I am doing it wrong? Seeya, wouldn't wanna beya.

Although, I see and respect what you are saying, Oside, so I guess we will disagree on this.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

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Post #: 12

RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 11:50:44 AM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653

I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

If she is lying to you... You have far bigger issues than punishment... just saying

BadOne

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 11:58:40 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653

I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

I'm confused. Your sub lies to you and doesn't do what you want. It doesn't sound like she wants to be your sub. She either needs way more control, or to be cut loose.

How about a strong 'come to Jesus' talk about where the two of you are and what you're doing.

The online only thing is hard for so many reasons. The big one is you don't *really* know one another if you haven't met. You can't *really* own her. So your working in the dark in many ways.

Sorry for being a downer, but unless you have some serious honest communication, this relationship is destined to fail. Punishment is not going to fix what's broken.

ETA: Jesus is busy this afternoon.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 11/1/2013 12:00:55 PM >

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 12:07:10 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653

I apologize for not being clearer. The relationship is long distance. I do not punish her just because I feel like it. I actually prefer not to punish her. Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason. I'd punish her for those reasons.

If she is lying to you... You have far bigger issues than punishment... just saying

BadOne

Ditto....

I would add.... Not doing what you want could also bigger issue than punishment is going to address

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 11/1/2013 12:09:20 PM >

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 12:41:10 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653
Straight up ridding myself of her is out of the question, unless there is completely disrespectful behavior, considering I do love her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: decoy2653
Say she has lied to me about doing something I told her to do, or say she doesn't do something I've told her to do and it was within reason.

I'm not trying to ride your ass or anything, but if both of these are true, you might as well skip the punishment. You're teaching her a much more effective lesson in the fact that she can lie to you and you'll tolerate it because you love her. If that is what you want in your life, more power to you, but it's not something I'd be willing to engage in.

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(in reply to decoy2653)

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 1:06:54 PM

DesFIP

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Why does she feel she has to lie to you?
Do you blow up in anger? Because if she doesn't feel safe being honest, that needs fixing first. And you only have to lose it once for her to think honesty is not safe for a long time after.

Does she have the option of safewording out? Going to a party may be no big thing for you, but if she has undiagnosed social anxiety, it's a huge thing for her.

Does she need help figuring out how to do whatever successfully or are you not helping her break it down into manageable steps. And going through whatever step she's stuck on till she gets it.

And if this involves drug/alcohol, then give up. D/s is not a cure for addiction.

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 5:18:39 PM

DarkSteven

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You've got a problem.

Your relationship is online only, which means that your grip on her is not that great. She's lying to you, and you feel you need to punish her.

Find out why she lied first. Make darn sure that your punishment will result in her not repeating the behavior. Note that if she ignores the command to punish herself, it's over.

Good luck.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 6:55:53 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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Not everyone has punishment dynamics. I don't. As a Domme I'd much rather discuss and work things out. As a sub/little, my Daddy feels the same way.

If you really don't want to give her the heave ho but she's lying to you, I don't know, try giving her a time out maybe? Meaning, tell her she doesn't get to be in contact with you for X amount of time and, while she's not allowed, she gets to think about why she's being punished and how she will change her behavior. Then, depending on what she says - and does - after reconnecting, she stays or goes. I can tell you, if a sub of mine was lying to me, he'd get ONE chance and ONE chance ONLY. If he did it again, he'd be gone. I take lying very seriously.

NBMG

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RE: Deciding a punishment - 11/1/2013 9:37:21 PM

decoy2653

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I'm saying if.... This was all hypothetical. In the event that she does any of said things. How would I go about deciding a fair punishment?

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