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...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 12:53:14 AM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		Morning, all!

So we have already established that I am new to the scene...I have a question here... is it typical or normal to feel so damn insecure or exposed when and if you have possibly begun talking to and engaging with someone on a potentially more deeper level than just "friend"? I ask, because up until a few wks ago I would have described myself as super confident and 100% secure. ....These days. Ummmmmm. Not so much. In general, is this all just part of the journey?

Thanks for reading.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 1:48:12 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello!

Yes, it's perfectly natural to feel a little insecure and exposed. You're exploring things and feelings that are pretty intense so it makes sense that you should feel a little on the edge sometimes.

This is powerful stuff, and you're bound to discover things about yourself that make you go "eek" once in a while (and as it happens, as a Dom I've had those moments too).

Now... if you find yourself in a place where you're feeling really anxious, or where it's affecting your day to day confidence, then maybe you should consider slowing the pace down a little, or at least getting to grips with what you're experiencing before going deeper.

Ultimately, this kinky journey you're on should be a positive one after all.



_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 2:03:48 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		fr

Yes, it's totally normal. Even in completely vanilla relationships, most people go through a period of 'does he like me as much as I like him?' sort of insecurity. I'm sure most people have worried about whether they will seem needy if they call so soon, or whether they should say 'I love you' first, or when to talk about making the relationship exclusive.

Add to that the fact that you are now sharing parts of yourself that you haven't shared before (your kinky interests), naturally you will feel worried and nervous. The more of ourselves we share, the more vulnerable we feel because if we are rejected, it is that bit more personal.

But without the scary bit, you wouldn't get the exciting part of the new potential relationship either, so hopefully it is worth it.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 2:28:22 AM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		Yes. thank you both. And on that note....I am feeling very, very needy. I have always been a go-getter and haven't relied on anyone but myself mostly...so this feeling of "neediness" is really making me question who i really am..thanks for your responses. I really appreciate them. :).

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 2:42:20 AM   
SubvsSlave


Posts: 201
Joined: 4/6/2011
Status: offline 		I went through the same emotions you are experiencing now when I first started on my journey with my Master. I think, for me, part of feeling so 'needy' was because once these submissive feelings were recognized and finally released after all these years, the flood gates just opened wide. My neediness was towards submitting, obeying, and being dominated and used by him. I was slightly obsessed during our early beginnings.

Good luck on your journey!

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 3:14:30 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I am not bringing this up to rain on your parade, but only for a consideration.

Make sure those needy, insecure, less confident feelings are not actually being caused by the way you are being treated. There are doms out there who actually get off on trying to break your spirit, make you question your own decisions and push you to into feeling "less then" if they feel you are to confident, secure, or feel entitled. Its all a process or game to acquire control over you and there is nothing healthy or beneficial for the submissive if that is their desire. Make sure those less then confident feelings are coming from a place of inexperience and because it is a new relationship. Make sure it isn't coming from a man who doesn't have your best interest at heart. Trust your gut, analyze closely if it is coming from a place of pain or excitement, don't get in a hurry. Because if you give over control to the wrong person, your gonna go thru some serious hell and its not so easy just to turn it off at will.

Good luck on your journey. Not a fun thing to bring up, I know, but I felt it was merited as a good reminder.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to SubvsSlave)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 6:47:59 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Make sure those needy, insecure, less confident feelings are not actually being caused by the way you are being treated.

Yes, I had those sorts of feelings when dating someone who was an Avoidant type. Now that I am with someone who is Secure, I am my normal Secure self.

OP - I highly recommend this book, which is available in my library system, so perhaps yours: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

This is an excellent book for those dating and looking for love and those already in a relationship that is not working and they wonder why not. The authors do a great job explaining attachment theory not only from a scientific perspective but also from a real world perspective with examples.

People basically have one of three attachment styles:

- Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

- Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

- Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

The book is about the frustration people feel in relationships when these types cross. The more an anxious person wants to be close to an avoidant person the more the avoidant withdraws fearful of losing their independence. Most anxious people function fine in all other areas of life then discover they are very anxious in relationships to their dismay. Anxious types many times confuse the feelings of being anxious with excitement toward a potential partner that is avoidant and miss out on secure people that they feel are boring. Secure people tend to soothe and help anxious types, while avoidants trigger anxious people and lead to hopeless pursuits and wasted time. Two avoidants can rarely be together in a relationship because no one holds it together they just drift apart.

Through open and honest communication in relationships you should be able to identify if a possible partner is some one who can meet your needs. The book teaches that you always benefit from honest communication because it moves you toward your goal of the right relationship regardless of the outcome.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 10:17:54 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Lots of good advice above me. But, all also add: You're embarking on something new, where you're unsure of your footing and afraid you won't fit in. That's absolutely natural to insecure at that point. It's one of the reasons I advise novices to take thing slow before they get involved with a Dominant.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 2:39:34 PM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you, everybody. Per usual, wonderful and insightful comments and advice. I appreciate your time.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 3:39:35 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It's never been a part of my "journey" so I can only answer for me. For anyone else, I don't know. Why do you feel so insecure just talking to someone online? I mean it's not like you have met the person or even know if they are female or male or much else about them. They're just words on a screen.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 4:10:17 PM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		First....that's a damn good point. I guess I just assumed honesty and therefor assumed he was male!? OMG...that honestly never occurred to me. ...and as far as feeling insecure mainly because of the in depth conversations that we have had..I typically don't share things with anybody..so this is a new experience for me.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 5:15:51 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Look at it this way...if you didn't share so much with someone in person, why would you do so on here, to someone you don't even know who they are at all or even what they are???


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/3/2013 9:07:43 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

Morning, all!

So we have already established that I am new to the scene...I have a question here... is it typical or normal to feel so damn insecure or exposed when and if you have possibly begun talking to and engaging with someone on a potentially more deeper level than just "friend"? I ask, because up until a few wks ago I would have described myself as super confident and 100% secure. ....These days. Ummmmmm. Not so much. In general, is this all just part of the journey?

Thanks for reading.



Yes.... But I think it's even more important on much time it takes you to get past that and not to get in to deep until you can feel that confidence again.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/4/2013 1:09:27 AM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline 		It's very common to feel that way. After all, it goes against everything you've ever been taught. You're an American which means that you were raised from a very young sage to despise tyrants and slavery.

Then you went and got yourself mixed up with people who make a sex game out of slavery and tyranny. OF COURSE IT'S HARD TO ACCEPT! You'd be broken if you weren't concerned.

So what I want to do is tell you the subtitle of Dr. Strangelove ( a 1964 masterpiece starring Peter Sellers.)

"Dr. Strangelove:
or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb."

TAS16: Stop worrying and enjoy the ride. That's easy advice to give but hard to follow.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/4/2013 3:58:28 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

First....that's a damn good point. I guess I just assumed honesty and therefor assumed he was male!? OMG...that honestly never occurred to me. ...and as far as feeling insecure mainly because of the in depth conversations that we have had..I typically don't share things with anybody..so this is a new experience for me.

So, this is an on-line relationship only? Is this person local enough that meeting face to face is something your are working towards ?
Or, a phone call so you could at least be (fairly) sure of who you are speaking to?

If this is to be a strictly on-line relationship, I would caution you about allowing someone you really do not know to bring out feelings of nervousness and neediness. Someone who is ordering you on your knees, sent me a pic, your are my property with no other contact is most likely a very fake person just playing with you. I would hate to see your confidence shaken this early in your journey by someone who has no intention of ever being what you need.



_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to tallandsweet16)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/4/2013 7:28:06 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
Someone who is ordering you on your knees, sent me a pic, your are my property with no other contact is most likely a very fake person just playing with you. I would hate to see your confidence shaken this early in your journey by someone who has no intention of ever being what you need.

That seems exactly backward to me. He's providing online-lady a way to satisfy her pressing psychological/biological "needs," while not offering what she, in the long term, wants. A lot of the lies men tell women for sex are brought on because women need to lie to themselves in order to be ok with getting naked. Not saying the guy is right, but if the lady is saying, "I want to give it up to you, just give me a reason," that's a lot closer to roleplaying than it is to lying. Instead of pretending for an hour to be the Pirate King, he's pretending to be her husband of 20 years.

As for the OP, I reamed her in a previous thread, so I'm sure she's overjoyed to see me posting here. But I will say that I think that she should consciously decide one of two things: either (1) she is looking for Mister Dominant Right Now, or (2) she should rub one out just before logging into Yahoo Chat.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Blonderfluff)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/4/2013 7:48:13 AM   
tallandsweet16


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/17/2013
Status: offline 		red magic-
i love it. always can count on you to just put it out there.
and you can bet your bottom dollar i will certainly be heeding your advice.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/4/2013 9:00:09 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

First....that's a damn good point. I guess I just assumed honesty and therefor assumed he was male!? OMG...that honestly never occurred to me. ...and as far as feeling insecure mainly because of the in depth conversations that we have had..I typically don't share things with anybody..so this is a new experience for me.

So, this is an on-line relationship only? Is this person local enough that meeting face to face is something your are working towards ?
Or, a phone call so you could at least be (fairly) sure of who you are speaking to?

If this is to be a strictly on-line relationship, I would caution you about allowing someone you really do not know to bring out feelings of nervousness and neediness. Someone who is ordering you on your knees, sent me a pic, your are my property with no other contact is most likely a very fake person just playing with you. I would hate to see your confidence shaken this early in your journey by someone who has no intention of ever being what you need.


OP - unless you are interested in online only, I strongly recommend you not have these sorts of conversations until you have met the guy in person and established that he is indeed how he presented himself and that you have compatibility in person.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/4/2013 9:43:17 AM   
Lunabear1234


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/29/2013
Status: offline 		Osidegirl is very wise and take her advice.. We are new and should welcome those who have come before us to give us safe advice. My keeper and I have had a very rocky beginning and I feel you on the insecurities.. I really do. I have found that being a sub has given me some sense of confidence and you may get to that point.. The rub in the situation is we are human and the doubt can creep in. I have been asking my keeper to train me when that happens so I feel like I have pleased him and it helps. Idk why but it does.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: ...insecurities. .. - 11/4/2013 11:40:50 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lunabear1234
My keeper and I have had a very rocky beginning and I feel you on the insecurities.. I really do. I have found that being a sub has given me some sense of confidence and you may get to that point.. The rub in the situation is we are human and the doubt can creep in. I have been asking my keeper to train me when that happens so I feel like I have pleased him and it helps. Idk why but it does.

This sounds all kinds of messed up. Maybe everything's fine, and you just don't know how to message board. But damn.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Lunabear1234)
Profile   Post #: 20
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