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Just not sure - 7/3/2006 5:31:20 PM   
diamondsmiles


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		I have been in a Ds relationship for a long time that has ended for reasons that are long and complicated and unnecessary here.  I have found myself in a relationship with a Dom that i have known for a long time, but who has only recently "come out" so to speak.

Now - i have a problem. my Dom is married and i love Him. He is with His wife and i can't be with Him because i have a son who i'm not prepared to compromise on (hard limit ++) The thing is, i know that He loves me too, but we cant be together. except maybe for a weekend or so a year.

i dont know what to do. i want, more than anything to submit to Him, and on line i have done so. He wants to collar me, and i want that Honour more than anything -  but .. oh i dont even know what the but is. except i want more than that. i want to be His. i want Him to be mine.

Advice? help?  please???
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Just not sure - 7/3/2006 5:33:11 PM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		why should you have to give up your son to be with him? it seems like the big issue is that he needs to decide whether he wants you or his wife - unless she knows about the relationship and is okay with it. if you want him to be completely yours, or if you want to be completely his, however, as much as any human being CAN be - it seems like the biggest issue here is not your son (unless he is refusing to be with you because you have children) but his marital vows.

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RE: Just not sure - 7/3/2006 6:10:25 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

my Dom is married and i love Him. <snip> The thing is, i know that He loves me too, but we cant be together. except maybe for a weekend or so a year.

i dont know what to do. i want, more than anything to submit to Him, and on line i have done so. He wants to collar me, and i want that Honour more than anything -  but .. oh i dont even know what the but is. except i want more than that. i want to be His. i want Him to be mine.

This is one of the most fucked up posts I've ever seen on here. It makes me think you are either a complete idiot or you are pulling some kind of joke on us, and it just cracks me up that the word "honour" is even mentioned here.

So here's my advice -- grin and bear it, or go find yourself a guy you can have a real relationship with. It was your own flawed judgment that got you in this mess, and your judgment was SO poor that I doubt you would have the sense to listen to the wisest advice any of us could provide. .

(in reply to diamondsmiles)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Just not sure - 7/3/2006 6:16:30 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		You're being played, dear.  Do you truly want to be so unimportant in someone's life?

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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Just not sure - 7/3/2006 6:42:43 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: diamondsmiles

I have been in a Ds relationship for a long time that has ended for reasons that are long and complicated and unnecessary here. I have found myself in a relationship with a Dom that i have known for a long time, but who has only recently "come out" so to speak.

Now - i have a problem. my Dom is married and i love Him. He is with His wife and i can't be with Him because i have a son who i'm not prepared to compromise on (hard limit ++) The thing is, i know that He loves me too, but we cant be together. except maybe for a weekend or so a year.

i dont know what to do. i want, more than anything to submit to Him, and on line i have done so. He wants to collar me, and i want that Honour more than anything - but .. oh i dont even know what the but is. except i want more than that. i want to be His. i want Him to be mine.

Advice? help? please???


Your gut instinct is telling you something - listen to it. He's married, can't be with you more than one weekend a year......I'm afraid that wouldn't be enough for me.

You say you've come out of a long D/s relationship that has just ended. You're vulnerable and I'm sure your "Dom" knows it. He's happy getting his jollies off online with you without any commitment whatsoever while you sit and wait for your one weekend a year.

You're being played. I know because I was played too I'd just left a long marriage to someone who didn't pay me any love or affection, and when this guy came along online(yes he was married) I fell for him hook line and sinker. I was prepared to wait for him to leave his wife and be with me - surprise surprise it didn't happen. I spent a year in an online relationship with this man and we did manage to be together a total of a whole 21 days in that time. But I did all the travelling and paying for the motel room etc. He lived 4 hours drive from me. As far as I know he's still with wifey and we split 3 years ago

I'm now in a very loving D/s relationship and now know the difference between the "relationship" I had with the married man and the one I have now, with One who can spend all His time with me and make me the centre of His world. You deserve so much more than what this man can offer you. I hope you find a way to get it

(in reply to diamondsmiles)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Just not sure - 7/3/2006 10:21:25 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		..sorry what the person above me said...Tempting

(in reply to Rayne58)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 1:26:46 PM   
Mirus


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		Well there are some pretty huge assumptions in the above replies I have to say.

No one is being played and all involved, including my wife are aware of the situation.  Neither do I have any issues about children, rather its diamond that wants to keep that side seperate.

All of the points above, with the exception of those who can't beleive that people can be sincere, have been discussed between us at length.  We haven't reached a conclusion on what is right, which is a driver behind this thread.

I want diamond to be happy and comfortable with her choice.  So, opinions are welcome but please, don't assume either of us are insincere.or are unaware of the issues.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 1:58:00 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		Being with someone once a year seems more like an annual event rather than a relationship.  "Same Time Next Year", ring a bell?  I think you have to put into perspect what is being offered to you, and if you will be able to bear the lonliness the other 360+ days of the year will bring you (and all that entails).

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to fullofgrace)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 2:45:28 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Personally i couldn't sustain a relationship where i only saw the person once a year. It's just not in me to do. I find seeing someone less then once a month makes me unhappy but sometimes that's just life. Knowing myself though, i know once a year would just not be doable for me at all.

If you want to be with Him but not live with him and his wife while your son is still at home why not move to the same city and get a place of your own? that way you still have close contact, see each other often  and have a life together.

His wife is obviously ok with the relationship the two of you have. What you should do is all sit down together and figure out what would work best for you as a family. Because darlin that is exactly what you will be if you collar to him is a family. You need to have a workable relationship with the wife as well as with him. IMHO anyway.

As i don't know the whole story i can't say for sure but I don't see how having a relationship with him would effect your son adversely.

If you want to keep different parts of your life seperated into seperate little boxes or areas you might find that you are never completely happy. i'm not saying yell from the rooftops that you are involved with a married man and engaged in BDSM activities but it's not that hard to have relationhips that intermingle and the children or extended family have no idea what is really going on.

Good luck with what ever choice you make. it's hard to do I know but things seem to work out in the end.

< Message edited by akisha -- 7/4/2006 2:50:18 PM >

_____________________________

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Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 3:15:10 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

As i don't know the whole story i can't say for sure but I don't see how having a relationship with him would effect your son adversely.

If you want to keep different parts of your life seperated into seperate little boxes or areas you might find that you are never completely happy. i'm not saying yell from the rooftops that you are involved with a married man and engaged in BDSM activities but it's not that hard to have relationhips that intermingle and the children or extended family have no idea what is really going on.



I disagree.  I am also one who will never introduce my child to a relationship that is short of marriage.  You'd be surprised how intuitive kids are - don't fool yourself that they have no idea about what is going on.  They are so "tuned" to it all - they may not have the "vocabulary" to express their thoughts like adults, but they have a keen sense of situations.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 3:24:11 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Mirus,

Wanting to collar and bind a woman to you while you are:
  • Married
  • Can only give her one day a year
  • Know the woman wants more
  • Stealing time from one "family" to "give" to another and shortchanging both

Is pretty selfish and fucked up in my humble opinion.  If you actually give a shit about this woman you would play with her all you want and help her, PUSH her, to find someone with whom she can have what she wants.

ps, I bet your wife doesn't know jack about what you are doing and if she did know would tell you the same thing I just did.

(in reply to Mirus)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 3:26:47 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		diamond: Life has too many challenges just in day to day living for us to actually invite pain and suffering into our lives. This situation wreaks of it, you are already feeling frustrated and split, hoping for something that will/may not ever happen.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 3:43:39 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

As i don't know the whole story i can't say for sure but I don't see how having a relationship with him would effect your son adversely.

If you want to keep different parts of your life seperated into seperate little boxes or areas you might find that you are never completely happy. i'm not saying yell from the rooftops that you are involved with a married man and engaged in BDSM activities but it's not that hard to have relationhips that intermingle and the children or extended family have no idea what is really going on.



I disagree.  I am also one who will never introduce my child to a relationship that is short of marriage.  You'd be surprised how intuitive kids are - don't fool yourself that they have no idea about what is going on.  They are so "tuned" to it all - they may not have the "vocabulary" to express their thoughts like adults, but they have a keen sense of situations.


I wont introduce my daughter to anyone that is just a fuck buddy but if i have a close relationship with someone as a friend or someone I care about i have no problem introducing them. I don't see where it can harm them. It's better then keeping secret friends from your children. in my opinion, doing that just makes them wonder why you are too ashamed of them to let them be apart of your life. I don't have a parade of strangers coming in and out of my house though so it's not an issue in my life. Though I don't scene in my house when my daughter is home either.

i highly doubt i'll ever marry again. I have no desire to go down that road at this time. I don't need that peice of govermental paper to tell me i'm committed to someone. *shrugs* but that is just me.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 3:44:23 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Mirus,

Wanting to collar and bind a woman to you while you are:
  • Married
  • Can only give her one day a year
  • Know the woman wants more
  • Stealing time from one "family" to "give" to another and shortchanging both


Is pretty selfish and fucked up in my humble opinion.  If you actually give a shit about this woman you would play with her all you want and help her, PUSH her, to find someone with whom she can have what she wants.

ps, I bet your wife doesn't know jack about what you are doing and if she did know would tell you the same thing I just did.


Bingo! Be a true Dominant and let this woman go or divorce your wife and give her the real type of relationship she wants. Its that simple, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

~Lashra
Whipping asses since 1981

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 3:56:55 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Well we dont know if the wifey really knows. I guess the only way to really know that is if diamond has spoken to her on the phone.

In any case, inviting a 3rd person into your relationship, is inviting trouble, being the 3rd person in a relationship is inviting trouble (ppl who have a real grip on poly stuff excluded from that).

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 4:03:07 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		[/quote]

i highly doubt i'll ever marry again. I have no desire to go down that road at this time. I don't need that peice of govermental paper to tell me i'm committed to someone. *shrugs* but that is just me.
[/quote]

I misspoke in the attempt to keep it simple.  I, also, don't plan on marriage again.  I should have said - a long-term, stable, healthy relationship.  I meant no offense.   

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 4:10:23 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: diamondsmiles

I have been in a Ds relationship for a long time that has ended for reasons that are long and complicated and unnecessary here.  I have found myself in a relationship with a Dom that i have known for a long time, but who has only recently "come out" so to speak.

Now - i have a problem. my Dom is married and i love Him. He is with His wife and i can't be with Him because i have a son who i'm not prepared to compromise on (hard limit ++) The thing is, i know that He loves me too, but we cant be together. except maybe for a weekend or so a year.

i dont know what to do. i want, more than anything to submit to Him, and on line i have done so. He wants to collar me, and i want that Honour more than anything -  but .. oh i dont even know what the but is. except i want more than that. i want to be His. i want Him to be mine.

Advice? help?  please???


Wow!

I don't even know how to respond to this.  Everything that's obvious is already within the above.

I think I'll leave it at that.

(in reply to diamondsmiles)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 6:42:32 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mirus

Well there are some pretty huge assumptions in the above replies I have to say.

No one is being played and all involved, including my wife are aware of the situation. Neither do I have any issues about children, rather its diamond that wants to keep that side seperate.

All of the points above, with the exception of those who can't beleive that people can be sincere, have been discussed between us at length. We haven't reached a conclusion on what is right, which is a driver behind this thread.

I want diamond to be happy and comfortable with her choice. So, opinions are welcome but please, don't assume either of us are insincere.or are unaware of the issues.


My assumption was made because more often than not the wife is unaware of what is going on. And diamond did not say in her original post that your wife knows.

Diamond obviously wants more than you can offer her. How fair is that? Please do not even think about collaring her - let her have the choice of looking for someone who can give her what she wants. I know the heartache of waiting and wanting something that is unattainable.....if you care about her at all you would not want to put her through that

(in reply to Mirus)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 7:08:37 PM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		This will only bring heartache to everyone involved.

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


(in reply to Rayne58)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Just not sure - 7/4/2006 7:18:25 PM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		mirus, i hate to be the bitch here, but if you can't offer her what she needs from a relationship, then it seems to me like it would be best for her to look elsewhere for a dominant, as rayne mentioned. where the child is involved - i am with akisha, in that if you truly care about each other as people, there's no reason why the child shouldn't at least know you exist, unless the relationship stays at one weekend a year, in which case, the child's knowledge really isn't an issue. of course, as with most things in bdsm, there's no need to give the child intimate details of your relationship, but there's also no need to pretend you don't exist, either - you could be introduced to the child as a friend.

however, i personally would consider any dominant who wanted to collar me for a one-weekend-a-year relationship with no chance of ever being close-distance or live-in, even a few years into the future, to be extremely selfish, if not sadly naive. and i've learned in my own experience with long-distance relationships, especially long-distance bdsm relationships, and with dealing with things where relationship NEEDS are concerned, that i could never be collared to someone who was not eventually planning to at least live closer and build a relationship offline. i am not disparaging online relationships here, at all - it's just not my thing, and it seems like the people in this situation are using it as a last resort (because of distance and separation).

all blame aside on who should be doing what in the relationship, though, diamond - you deserve much more than this from a relationship. no matter how much love is there, love unfortunately doesn't conquer all the majority of the time, and it's not healthy to give yourself to someone like this when you know your needs won't be met. at least, that's my humble opinion. 

eta: mirus - yes, there are going to be assumptions in replies where the whole situation isn't actually explained! what did you expect? we aren't mind-readers.


< Message edited by fullofgrace -- 7/4/2006 7:19:44 PM >

_____________________________

i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Rayne58)
Profile   Post #: 20
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