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Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 8:33:35 AM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline 		Taking The Sex Out of D/s

I’m a dominant male, therefore according to a large section of society I must therefore always be thinking about sex and trying to get into the knickers of the next female that so much as says hello. Add the world of BDSM into the mix and then I become a dominant male that wants the next 19 yr old girl who crosses his online path to strip naked and fling herself onto my pin-wheel, swiftly followed by me.

I see some of you nodding at the back there.

As you get older, I am 42 years young – a slip of a lad, you do realise that being a dominant male carries responsibility. If you wish to get any further than a smack round the face you need to face up to your responsibilities.

I am in a relationship, shock horror, it even says so on my profile. That does not mean I cannot be a dominant male and find my place within a D/s relationship. We take the word relationship to mean sex, example; I’m looking for a LTR, I’m not looking for a casual relationship etc. The word has been bastardised. A relationship should be about two people (or more) and the current agreed arrangements.

I offer professional services, that is, I provide the services of a dominant male but for my own personal reasons I cannot and will not take it to an intimate sexual level with a sub. This might seem an impossible act to some men, regardless of age!

There is no need to dominate a submissive person with your trousers down and your tackle swinging in the breeze. A contract, a set of rules and agreements need to be discussed but it is perfectly possible to take a sub into their own sub-space and do it fully clothed.

If you are new to D/s, BDSM, take it from someone that knows. You will get more respect and potentially more opportunities come your way if you leave the sex at home. Obviously if you are in a “relationship” built on trust and truth and you both agree, well of course sex should come naturally.

My point being, submissive people are not sex slaves. If you think that BDSM D/s is a whole bunch of people trying to get into each other’s pants you have read it all wrong. We are a bunch of people that enjoy emotion, we are sensual. We want to feel alive.

Do not pressure a sub into sex. Do not assume they must naturally want sex with you because you have a photo on your profile of flat abs. They might want to feel humiliation, shame, elation, confinement. All these emotions can bring immense please to a sub and the best part is you can make them feel all of those without sticking your dick in their face.

Try it sometime. Try talking to a man / woman as a person. Try a conversation about kinky pursuits that does not start with “on your knees, suck this bitch.” That really is about as sexy as a wet kipper in Grimsby.

Spanking is not sex. Bondage is not sex. Humiliation is not sex. Power exchange is not sex.

BDSM is not sex.
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 8:56:31 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictlySussex

Taking The Sex Out of D/s
...

BDSM is not sex.


God forbid. Yawn.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:08:23 AM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline 		So you're celibate? If not, you're just posing.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:12:03 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso

So you're celibate? If not, you're just posing.


With *that* pic?

Say it ain't so Apocalypso.




_____________________________



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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:17:18 AM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline 		I gave up trying to change the pic ;) must have deleted and reloaded another 20 times today. CM servers are not playing nicely!

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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:23:37 AM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso

So you're celibate? If not, you're just posing.


My post does say am in a relationship...so the latter ;)

(in reply to Apocalypso)
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:27:47 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictlySussex
Spanking is not sex. Bondage is not sex. Humiliation is not sex. Power exchange is not sex.

BDSM is not sex.

I'll tell my Story of the Two Bondage Bunnies.

The first woman I ever played with who was a hardcore rope bottom didn't want bondage to relate to her vagina, at all. She even went on a mini-rant about how most rope tops tried to tie a knot over her clitoris, and that killed the experience for her. So I assumed most women in the bondage world felt like that. Then I played with a different serious rope bottom -- our first date was off CM when she basically said, "Oh you have the Lee Harrington shibari book? I haven't read that one yet. How about I come over and sit on your couch, and we read through the book and take turns tying each other up?" In person, I said something like, "Don't worry, I won't tie a knot in the clit area." She looked at me, almost shocked, and when I explained why I said that, she replied, "I always figured that knot was a thank-you gift for any woman who was willing to stand motionless for so long."

Different strokes for different folks.

My personal take on this whole "debate" is closer to: Sex isn't intercourse.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:31:05 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		For some people D/s is only about sex. For other people it has nothing to do with sex. I expect most people's relationship is somewhere between those extremes. Neither extreme is better or more D/s than the other.

My own personal relationship is not sex based. However, I have no problem with people who keep their play behind the bedroom door. It's all in what works for a couple. If both are getting what they want and need from the relationship, then it's all good.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:33:40 AM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline 		Very well put. You are someone with experience and it shows. It can be very daunting from a submissive's point of view to feel that sex at some stage is a given.

It not be the best post from me but I do see "off the shelf Doms" marching into D/s and wondering why their emails and approaches fall dead at the first hurdle.
Thanks for sharing your story.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:42:56 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Dude, I get where you are coming from. If I'm catching it right, you have a primary relationship. In which, you are already in an agreement for monogamy, or perhaps a type of poly fidelity.

Don't sweat it. You're not the only one. There are lots of folks, Myself included, that aren't sleeping with everyone that we play with, either. Other folks wouldn't do D/s without sex. Neither is entirely unheard of and if you (and your partner/s) are happy doing what you do, that's what matters.

Welcome to the boards. I wish you the best.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 9:55:48 AM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictlySussex
My post does say am in a relationship...so the latter ;)

It's possible to be in a celibate relationship.

Morrissey did for years, before finding he had "powder kegs between my legs".

(Thanks for that mental image, Morrissey).

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 10:03:58 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Spanking is not sex. Bondage is not sex. Humiliation is not sex. Power exchange is not sex.

BDSM is not sex.

Well,Perry sez," Sex is violent."


Nice of you to share your opinion. Understand this-it's exactly that,an opinion.
What works for some people won't work at all for others. Some interactions have sex at the base. Others have zero sex at all.neither is better or worse than the other. They are just different.
Some people wanna bang right quick. Chop chop and all that.
Others like the nuance and time spent getting to know each other.
Again,neither is absolutely right and neither is absolutely wrong.
Each is dependent on the relationship,the dynamic and the interaction/thoughts/beliefs/actions of the parties involved.

Quick thoughts by paragraph, starting at paragraph 3
1-42 and just realizing that being dominant involves responsibility? Fuck man,I learned that at 5 when I got my first goldfish.
2-OMG-a male dom likes relationships? Maybe you don't realize how cavalier and insulting your perspective on men here is here,but it is.Likewise, I have no clue who and where you hang out,but maybe you might wanna try a higher ethical neighborhood. Further,for some reason you think relationships are aout sex,or to be correct, you think others think relationships are all about sex.Which tells us nothing about them but zounds about you, despite your loud cries to the opposite.
3-You do this professionally? Alrighty then...scaaaaaaaaaaaaary
4-I dunno about you,but me-I dominate with wit and will, personality and principles.I certainly don't do it with my wang out (well,at least,not always) but the day I hafta resort to my penis to rule is the day I go nilla.And it's condescending of you to think all others do so. As for contracts-bah.They're useless. Unenforcable,not worth the time aand energy expended.Besides,why would I have a slave I don't trust? Her word is her bond and that's all I'll ever need. Again,you presume your way/thoughts/ideas are the one/right way.
5-You may do better the way you describe. Doesn't mean shit for others.Lemme lay out a flat truth.I've met lots of women from here over the years. I'm very clear to them up front about who I am,what I'm about and what I seek.No surprises here.One of those things is that I almost never fuck on first meet.I'll play.I'll turn her on, do those humiliating/degrading/painful/pleasurable things you describe...but I won't fuck.
And wanna know what?
Something like 80% of the time,if we hit it off, she ends the night on her knees begging me to fuck her. Groveling. Women here are just as slutty as men...just like real life.


Look dude-each interaction has it's own flow.I've owned women I tortured and raped almost from day one.I've also owned a chick for two years and never fucked her once. For me,it's about the dynamic, about the control. Her ceding and my taking.
But just cuz it works that way for me doesn't mean I won't recognize that there's lots of other ways that work wonders for others. Their way wouldn't work at all for me,and vice versa.
Find what works for you.Find what is who you are,whats true to the person.
That find a like minded soul to do it with.
It ain't that tough. This shit ain't rocket science you know.

Finally, this:
quote:

Try a conversation about kinky pursuits that does not start with “on your knees, suck this bitch.” That really is about as sexy as a wet kipper in Grimsby.

Yeah-I dunno about you,but some of the great nights of my life have commenced in said fashion.
Maybe you need to teach her to use less teeth

I'm gonna skip the rest cause it's Turkey and I gotta go soon.Plus,they pretty much come down to sex. But I will say this-

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 10:10:38 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		So ...... if I want to be your part time submissive, what do I get out of it? For that matter what do I do?
Do I come to your house and wash the dishes?

Because if you mean that you tie me up and beat me, then what we really have is a top/bottom sadist/masochistic situation. I wouldn't call that a submissive/Dominant situation.

I've had two different BDSM relationships - one didn't have penetrative intercourse, and the other had lots of it. One was D/s, one isn't. And unless it's a live in situation, for me, submission would be difficult do demonstrate. Being tied up and beaten is for me a sexual act, not a submissive act. If I really like being tied up and beaten, then really i'm not submitting, i'm willingly acquiescing to what you want to do.

I guess i'm not getting it as a D/s thing - more of a sadist/masochistic thing.

(in reply to Apocalypso)
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 10:27:39 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictlySussex


Spanking is not sex. Bondage is not sex. Humiliation is not sex. Power exchange is not sex.

BDSM is not sex.




Until it is! Fact of the matter is... For some people their sexuality is very much tied to BDSM, spanking, bondage, humiliation, power exchange and/or many other things. Just like for some their sexuality is very much tied to their love of the person. For others sex is nothing more than sex!


quote:

My point being, submissive people are not sex slaves.


Until they are! Seems to me your whole post is just as guilty of being one dimensional to the people's ego that you are trying to step on.

Maybe just maybe one should take the time to appreciate the unique perspective of a person. Understanding that perspective one can actually make a better judgement on the compatibility of each other to a possible relationship if at all.





_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 10:46:21 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hey, thanks for sharing your personal perspective on BDSM D/s.

It's not mine however - so I'm assuming that when you say "we" you're talking about "people that think just like you"?

For a very large number of people BDSM D/s is ALL ABOUT SEX.

They're doing BDSM D/s whether you like it or not, and lots of them are getting lots out of it.

For some, BDSM D/s has nothing to do with sex...

And for others BDSM D/s is not ONLY about sex...

This caught my eye...

quote:

If you are new to D/s, BDSM, take it from someone that knows. You will get more respect and potentially more opportunities come your way if you leave the sex at home.


This is great advice, especially if you want to fuck loads and loads of laydees. ;-)



_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
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RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 10:46:33 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrictlySussex

Taking The Sex Out of D/s

-snipped for brevity-

Spanking is not sex. Bondage is not sex. Humiliation is not sex. Power exchange is not sex.

BDSM is not sex.


In my case, I agree that D/s is not sex. It's a way of relating to each other.

On the other hand, I absolutely see BDSM as sex. Whether we touch genitals or not, BDSM is sex for me. It's deeply intimate interaction, it creates a strong sexual response, it involves types of touching I would not allow with any person that I wouldn't also be willing to fuck. If I'm bottoming for someone, I consider that we've had a sexual encounter, even if we both wore pants the whole time.

Not everyone agrees with that, of course. I would never suggest that YOUR BDSM interactions are sex, but mine are.

I'm not sure I agree that people generally equate the word 'relationship' to sex. I have relationships with my best friend, my mother, my accountant, and the people on this message board but I'm not sleeping with them.

I don't entirely disagree with your post, although I found the tone a little condescending. Perhaps more suited to your journals or blog, which are set up to showcase these sort of speeches. It sort of assumes that everyone here is a clueless lunk who thinks kink is the same as getting their dick wet and that the notion of a non-sexual D/s relationship will be a revelation. That's not really your audience here. Most people who frequent the forums have a good deal of real-life experience.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 10:59:42 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'd love to be a sex slave. Better than laundry and being his gofer on the job.

I didn't check the op's profile. I'm assuming it says in large letters that he's married.

But I don't get what he's offering as a so-called dominant. Not sex, but what? Just s & m? Just bondage? Just giving her a daily schedule?

Sure as hell can't be financial control because he isn't going to be emotionally invested. He could tell her when to go to bed and punish her if she's late, but if he's not there to make the kids' lunches for the next day, there goes that.

Since all he really wants is play, which isn't domination in my book, why isn't he going to munches, going to play parties and asking unattached others to play with him? And if his wife comes, then the others will feel safer playing with him. If she isn't willing to talk to them, he's not going to have much luck.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 11:02:40 AM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline 		Not married :) In a stable relationship with a Domme. Very glad some of you understood the post for what it was. An opinion open to debate. Always good to talk.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 11:05:42 AM   
StrictlySussex


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2013
Status: offline
quote:

Most people who frequent the forums have a good deal of real-life experience.


Just for info. I have recently changed my name so therefore have come back to CM as a vanilla noob on the forums, you only have my word for it but can assure you have been here for a long while but not under this name :)
Just thought I'd better clear that up as I do appreciate that only having a few posts under this belt does sometimes cause an issue.

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Taking The Sex Out of D/s - 11/28/2013 11:32:42 AM   
shadowborn61


Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline 		As for contracts-bah.They're useless. Unenforceable,not worth the time and energy expended.Besides,why would I have a slave I don't trust? Her word is her bond and that's all I'll ever need.
^^^
This.
I am not saying contracts are a bad thing mind you they can and do set out clear boundaries but in the end they are not really worth more than the word of the people involved and in some cases can hinder the way a relationship could develop.
I have seen this happen where a sub and a Dom signed a contract that later became to restrictive for them both as they got to know and trust each other more so they threw out the contract and they were fine.
But as has been said to each their own, one person cannot say " this is the only right way to do this" that may be true for you but not everyone else.

(in reply to StrictlySussex)
Profile   Post #: 20
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