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D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 12:51:09 PM   
Clarashrew


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/23/2013
Status: offline 		I got interested in D/s after reading a story (no not 50 Shades) about a friendship that gradually evolved into a D/s relationship and I was completely captured by the trust and consideration described.
I wanted to be able to hand over complete control to another person in that way, knowing that they had my best interests at heart.
So I had a look around and quickly ended up on Fetlife where I created a profile as an f/sub.
I had hardly opened my virtual mouth before I was absolutely flooded with messages from men wanting to 'teach' me what it was all about.
I managed to fliter out the worst posers and started corresponding with a few that seemed genuine and worth while. I was still not ready to go out and meet with anybody, but wanted to use virtual play to test my own responses to see if I was really a sub.
And then it started happening: Every single man I talked to very quickly said or indicated that any play, virtual or real, would include (and probably start with) a spanking.
I was shocked. To me, being hit had never been a part of the deal. I had a lot of discussions with these men and one of them actually said: "A real sub woman's idea of good sex would be a spanking followed by intercourse."
Many also assumed that I would find it a turn on to have their cock forced down my throat so that I would gag and/or choke. The mere thought of this makes me panic slightly.

So... Sorry for the long 'story' but I kind of wanted to explain where this was coming from:

Is it possible to practice D/s without S/m?

I would especially like to hear from both D's and S's that practice D/s relationships without inflicting pain in any way. What do you do? What does dominance and submission mean to you?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 1:06:57 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		Hopefully more will come along and elaborate, but I just wanted to tell you to be careful when you are 'fresh meat' and don't allow a bunch of e-doms to tell you what 'most subs' want or what they 'should' be like..."teaching" I have found (in this context) usually means taking advantage of someone's niavette.

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 1:08:18 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hell yes. It is absolutely possible to have a D/s relationship without any element of S/m.

Having said that, I'd hazard a guess that the majority of people who identify with BDSM probably expect there to be some "pain" as well though.

I've had relationships that were solely about power exchange/control where there was no "dressing up", "spanking" or whips'n'chains.

The dick who said "A real sub woman's idea of good sex would be a spanking followed by intercourse." is just a dick. But, if instead of pulling the "a real sub..." bullshit he'd have said "My ideal sub's idea of sex...." then that would have been fair enough.

BDSM (nowithstanding the almost religious arguments about how many arconyms you can sqeeze out of those four letters) encompasses a massive spectrum of interests, kinks, needs and wants.

Even terms like "Head of Household" mean different things to different people - HoH could simply mean a traditional relationship in which the man leads, or it could mean that plus the use of spankings for discipline.

Now the rough side of stuff isn't your bag - and that's totally flippin ok. Bear in mind though, that I've dated women who really did find it a turn-on to have my cock forced down their throat so that they'd gag... there are plenty for whom that's "ideal".

I'd also say that as a relatively new joiner - you're going to get a ton of attention from the crazies. As a woman it must feel a bit like the zombie apocalypse in the first week or two.

In terms of advice...

1) Just block the wankers that irritate you - you really don't need to be expending your valuable time dealing with them
2) Be clear about what you want out of a relationship
3) Be a little judgemental of people who obviously haven't read your profile (if you say "I am not interested in spanking" and the first thing he says is "wen were u last spanked" well... ya know.
4) Don't let any stranger dictate to you what "real submission" is

Lastly, and I'm not making a prediction here, but a couple of my past flames (still friends) were dead against a whole bunch of things before they met me, that they subsequently enjoyed enormously. So - never say never.

Best of luck




_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 1:10:56 PM   
Clarashrew


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/23/2013
Status: offline 		Oh believe me, I didn't. I gave them all a piece of my mind and send them on their way.
But the whole thing did leave me kind of disillusioned. I felt for a long time, that what I had originally sought did not exist.
These days I have all but abandoned my idea of ever submitting.
I actually have my own sub who is as 'new' as me and we're experimenting and finding out own way.
But I guess I still kind of hope to one day find a man or woman who'll have that special quality that will make me hand over control to them..

(in reply to shiftyw)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 1:15:19 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		When I first started to explore the world of BDSM about 10 or so years ago, I was dead sure I was a service-oriented sub and did not want pain. Well, it didn't take long for me to figure out that a little bit of erotic pain was a huge turn-on, and now I'm a fully-fledged masochist!

Now I'm not saying this will happen to you, but I want to echo CrazyML's suggestion that you go in with an open mind.

Having said that, you have the absolute right to insist that any potential partner does not inflict any pain on you at all. It's totally up to you, and you need to find the relationship that suits you.

Don't let any internet warrior tell you what you need - they don't know you and most are just interested in getting their own kinks served and to hell with yours.

I have met and dated several doms who were not into pain in any way, shape or form. They wanted a D/s relationship that involved service and romance. That didn't suit me, so I moved on to find someone who did suit what I needed.

Take your time, don't be afraid to say 'no' to the unsuitable ones, and good luck!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 1:27:16 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

My guy and I do not identify as masochists or sadists at all. Some of our activities are a bit uncomfortable (think nipple clamps, flogger, spanking), but that is as far as we go when it comes to pain. A little gets the endorphins flowing, but too much kills the mood. We've figured out what makes each other tick, so the line is easier to find.

The point in my rambling here is that D/s is a beautiful thing and you can most certainly have it your way. The key is finding someone who is around your same point on the D/s continuum.

It's clear that the "super Domly doms" who have messaged you are not at your point on the spectrum, so don't let them guilt you into doing ANYTHING that you aren't okay with just to prove you are "submissive enough." In all honesty, they probably have built themselves up over the Internet...but a kitten could out-Dom them in real life. Stay true to you, figure out what you are looking for, and don't compromise. Your counterpart is out there. Good luck in your search.

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 1:41:46 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Power exchange based relationships need not have any element of pain in them.

Dominance and submission is different than Sado-masochism.

[My] Master does spank me, but if that was off the table for me (for whatever reason), He is an accomplished sensual tease.
So much can be done with silk scarves... the feel of them being slowly dragged across my skin is exquisite.

Bondage doesn't need to involve any pain at all... .

However, even if the aforementioned activities are not your thing either, a D/s based relationship can be created solely by the head-spaces of the people within it.
He leads, you follow.
He commands, you obey.
He is in control because you have given control over to him, and it is because he has proven himself to be trustworthy enough for you to so that.




_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 1:58:47 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Yes, you certainly can have a D/s relationship that does not involve pain play.

I am a masochist and while I adore flogging, I barely tolerate spankings. Just not into that particular sensation.

I've been in several service-only relationships that involved no pain (or sex) at all.

My man is into bondage, breath play, and things other than pain, so nipple clamps are all we're using these days that are ouchie.

We are doing several things that I thought I'd never do, but I love him, and it pleases him, and it's different with him.

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 2:04:08 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline 		D/s is about DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION. It needn't have anything to do with BDSM, or even SEX for that matter. Many of U/us have long lasting relationships that focus on Power Exchange, one person making decisions, guiding another who Serves them in some way. D/s can take MANY forms and really the only rules are that both parties agree to the terms.

A straight female sub can Serve a straight female Dominant. Their agreement might be for maid Service or non-sexual companionship. Perhaps you should offer yourself as a maid or secretary to a female Dominant. She would be able to help you develop your submissive "headspace" without the distraction of sex or violence, if these are hard limits for you.

You are completely right to be offended by these dicks' behavior toward you. They are without subs FOR A REASON.

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 2:04:29 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think some folks on the forum tend to laugh a bit when I tell this story.

Yes, it's entirely possible to have a power imbalance dynamic without S/m being involved. I know because I've done it. In the beginning, I was completely opposed to the S/m factor for My personal interactions. It is one of the reasons that I attribute My first dynamic not working for us. The guy was great at protocol and accepting My authority. We were not compatible, however, in the areas of S/m. My sadism button didn't go to the 'on' position until a number of years later. Had anybody told Me when I first started out that it would happen one day, I would have told them they were full of crap. I'd have been wrong, but I didn't know that at the time.

Since I've been there, I know how small the minority feels because it can seem like everyone else wants S/m as a part of the dynamic except you. For a while there when I was first starting out, there were times that I even felt like I was a minority of one. (I wasn't on the net back then, so I only knew the people I knew in real life who were kinky and all of them were into pain or bondage in some way.) Everybody else was interested in "play" and I only cared about the power and protocol parts.

It's really not just you. There really are others, too. We've even got a few of them who drop in on the forums here from time to time. You're not alone in not wanting to engage in S/m.

I'm really glad that your second post to this thread sounds very confident in how to handle what you receive in email. Please don't take offense to the term, but you really are what a lot of folks call fresh meat and there are going to be some who hope to take advantage of your inexperience. It's great that you are not allowing that to happen.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 2:36:17 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		FR

You've had some really good replies so I won't repeat them.

I just wanted to add, that part of the problem might be with the word 'play'. I think in the context of D/s and BDSM, people are going to assume that 'play' is some form of bondage, pain play or humiliation. So if you have mentioned to people that you want to play online, they're most likely expecting some sort of sexy cam exchange on those themes.

There's nothing wrong with what you want, and even those of us who do have some pain play in our relationships also include a lot of what you are describing. I'm not quite sure how you could explore those sorts of things with people online, however, since D/s outside of BDSM tends to include making decisions about someone's daily life - their diet, their finances, their social engagements, their career- the sort of stuff you wouldn't hand over to someone you were just getting to know.

Please stick around and talk with us. We might also set your mind at rest that most of us are just normal folks with loving relationships, whether we do spanking or not. It may not change your mind about wanting to try it, but it may reassure you that it's just a different preference, and not something to be worried about.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 2:41:13 PM   
ante


Posts: 21
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		When I first started out I was a lurker on a chat site for a lot of the time. Watching and observing, before daring to speak up. My most memorable time was when I watched some of the more experienced and dare I say, respected subs, utter that if you didn't enjoy being spanked you weren't a "real" sub at all, but a player!

I mean... what the fuck??

That's when I decided my path was my path... fuck what anyone else said... my rules, with my partner.... our rules....

We had a relationship which developed... from more plain stuff into a Ds dynamic once we realised there were words to describe what we had and did....

There are guys out there who are not sadists... however... in my experience... they seem few and far between.... Don't give up!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 2:53:08 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		Everything you needed to hear, has all been said, and it is all spot on.
EVERY D/s relationship is unique to the 2 people who are in it. There IS no "real" this or "real" that.

I'll only add....please don't give up. If your heart cries out that this type of dynamic is for you, the rewards will be amazing. Be brave. Keep looking. Keep learning. Don't be afraid to go out into the local kink community. People in person are NOT like the on-line community. You will be welcomed no matter WHERE you are in your journey to submission. We all start in different places....you are beautifully unique. But in no way unusual. There are other subs like you. And Doms that will WANT what you can offer.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to ante)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 2:57:18 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		You have the word of a devout sadist that yes, it is possible to practice D/s without S&M. D/s isn't even about S&M by my experience. What does pain have to do with domination? It may have something to do with training and corporal punishment but there are equally or more effective training methods that do not inflict pain.

Protocol was the single major force in one of my LTRs with a non-masochistic partner. Protocol is hot, seductive and a wonder expression of my control. I loved it when my slave was in fully engrossed in her role, her position to me. Kneel and kiss my feet. . . ahhh. There are other equally alluring other aspects of D/s for other people as well.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 4:45:37 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Clara, the advice above is spot on. I'm just chiming in to let you know there are many people for whom pain doesn't compute/commute to pleasure. Even if they're open minded and willing to try. Even if they WANT to please their partner so are willing to tolerate it. Actually, MOST of my partners have not been into corporal such as caning, cropping, etc. They enjoyed intense sensations that may have bordered on being uncomfortable (a continually raised level of electro, for instance) but I neither felt a need to give out pain or have my partners accept it. I prefer other ways to raise endorphin levels.

I live with chronic low back/glute/sciatic pain (not sexy at all, btw). From time to time I ask my partner to flog the hell out of the area as a 'counter-irritant'. That's right, dominant me pantsless on all fours with my sub slinging a nasty flogger over my back, butt, and thighs for all he's worth. And I can tell you, nobody gets wet or sports a hard-on. It is pure comforting service that brings me great relief.

You and your partners make your relationships about whatever works best for you. At the end of the day, no one else's opinions matter.

Best of luck. Enjoy the journey!

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 4:48:28 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Clarashrew


Is it possible to practice D/s without S/m?



Yes! Most definitely.




_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 5:07:41 PM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		It's possible, but very improbable. People often denigrate s&m as 'kinky sex' and 'not D/s' but the simple fact is that almost everyone who does D/s, also does s&m.

You might be better off looking outside of BDSM for a power exchange - maybe a Taken in Hand relationship or Domestic Discipline or Christian Kink (if you are Christian). These types are more likely to focus on giving or receiving service, rather than sex or s&m. Good luck :-)

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 6:48:34 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Most people here are into some degree of kinky sex as well.

But it doesn't have to be painful.

Me? I'm a bondage bottom, to me bondage isn't painful. It's relaxing and hot.

Oh, and about the spanking. There are nerves in the rear end that continue on to the genitals. So many people find that stimulating the nerves with a mild to moderate spanking will serve as foreplay.

Most people view spanking as punishment. Here, it's anything but. I don't do corporal punishment. I wasn't hit when growing up, I didn't do that to my offspring. I was 48 years old the first time I was spanked. It is associated with pleasure here because he only does it to be pleasurable and when there's direct genital stimulation alternated with spanking you discover quickly that it can be a very good thing.

The first 30 days (I think) you're marked as a new user and so you'll get tons of mail from guys hoping you'll respond before you know better. It tapers off after that. In the meantime, read up on this, google bdsm checklists to see what other activities there are, decide what you want to explore and what you don't, and only write to people whose profiles show them to have the same interests as you.

If you decide to meet someone to see if you want to date them, do so in public. A coffee shop is best because you aren't trapped there for the length of a meal.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 8:02:04 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Clarashrew


Is it possible to practice D/s without S/m?

I would especially like to hear from both D's and S's that practice D/s relationships without inflicting pain in any way. What do you do? What does dominance and submission mean to you?


You can have any type of relationship you want. All you need to do is find a partner who is on the same wavelength as you are

(in reply to Clarashrew)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: D/s without pain? - 11/30/2013 10:10:34 PM   
Clarashrew


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/23/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you all for taking the time to comment.

I just wanted to say something to the number of you that to some degree display the attitude: you should give spanking a try. You might like it.

I have given it a try. How else could I know that it is really not for me?
When I first started seeing the picture that being spanked seemed to be 'expected' of a sub, I decided that it was worth a shot.
So I got together with a FWB that I trust implicitly and asked if he would help me experiment with spanking.
The first few times we tried it I just found it boring, pointless and ultimately annoying. So we both did a lot of reading and decided that maybe it wasn't 'enough'. I'm all about the mental games, so we added some restraints (which is a particular favourite of mine) and some punishment-roleplaying. He pushed me pretty hard and though I enjoyed the feeling of helplessness and the things he said, the physical pain suddenly drove me to withdraw to a degree where he couldn't get me to respond. Afterwards I experienced a severe drop that almost ruined our friendship.

This is not a case of a 'rookie' that just needs to have my limits 'adjusted'. I have an extremely low threshold for pain. It's not that I am a whimp. I just feel pain more accutely than most (doctor's words for it). Pain will make me withdraw. I have actually stopped breathing at the dentist twice because of it. So pain play is not an option for me. It's not something I will be experimenting with again.

Meeting the attitude of it being something I'll 'get used to' or 'learn to like' so often is one of the things that is pushing me towards despairing of ever finding a D for my s.

Oh, and about the FWB... We worked it out and he is now my proudly collared sub, so something good came of the whole thing. And he does like to be spanked, which is something I do because my kick is seeing him come apart with pleasure and happiness. The actual act of hitting him does absolutely nothing for me. I'd much rather be touching him gently, but sometimes he wants to feel the burn.

(in reply to seekingreality)
Profile   Post #: 20
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