RE: D/s without pain? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 2:02:09 AM)

You sound a bit defensive. Please don't be upset by the suggestion that you try spanking - no one knew what you had done before, and considering it is such a very popular activity it wasn't unreasonable for them to suggest you try it. I think it's great that you had a friend you could trust enough to explore it with you.

In addition to this, a great many subs DO engage in things they dislike as an act of submission to their partner. You don't have to. But again, people didn't know your history from your first post, so they were trying to post things they found helpful, not things to make you despair.

Do you consider yourself a switch? Your first post gave me the feeling that you yearn to hand over control to another, so I found it very surprising that you decided to take on a sub yourself. Is he your sub in the same sense you hope to have a dominant? IE. He trusts you and hands over all his decisions and you make them with his best interests at heart? Or are you still FWB but with a kinky element?

Whatever you answer is fine, I'm just curious because I found it surprising. I also think that might cause complication and confusion to potential dominants, since they may wonder why you are engaging in S/M with him and not with them. Also having a collared sub sounds like a primary committed relationship, which means they may assume what you are looking for is sub 'play' as a secondary relationship. I personally couldn't hand over control over my own life but maintain control over someone else's, at least not without some long and serious negotiations. Not saying such scenarios don't exist, but it may further explain some of the strange coversations you have had.

Also, the internet is full of horny idiots. Regardless of what you are looking for, you will always get the occasional message which is totally inappropriate.



Clarashrew -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 2:33:29 AM)

I am not defensive, but maybe slightly annoyed that I write: I don't like being hit, is D/s possible without inflicting pain? And people respond: are you sure? You should try it! Pain is fun!
It is that attitude that bothers me. That people find it so hard to accept that I do not share one of the most 'common' kinks. It reminds me of a time I told a man I was allergic to curry and his response was: "but you haven't tried my curry."
It strikes me as slightly disrespectful to assume that I do not know what I am talking about.

As for the other points: I am not actively looking for a dominant. And I won't be as long as I keep running into this kind of attitude. It has gotten to the point where I feel exhausted by having to explain the same thing over and over again.
Neither will I ever be looking for a 'fulltime' dominant, if I ever do search for someone to submit to. I am an independent woman with a very busy life. Having someone tell me what to do or wear, how to act or spend my money would never work. What I desire is someone I can trust. Whom I can come to when I need a break from it all. Someone who'll say: "you can stop thinking now. I've got you," and then use me and play with me to satisfy both our needs. Whether that means kneeling with my head in his or her lap, being tied down and used for rough sex or even shared or lent out to their friends, only time will tell. I am open to much, just not pain and extreme humiliation.
And yes, that is more or less how I deal with my sub. When we get together, sometimes we are just friends and have fun as we've always had. But at other times one or both of us feel that need and the collar comes on. Then he will be at my feet to recieve caresses or orders and we'll spend hours and hours having tender and kinky fun, leaving us both happy and calm. Then I take the collar off and he goes home or we put on a movie and are just friends again.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 3:30:59 AM)

I'm sorry that you find it annoying.

If everyone had stuck to the exact question you asked, the discussion would be over immediately. The answer would be 'yes'. But with this being a discussion board, people are going to share experiences, tell stories, make suggestions, and ask questions. No one implied you don't know what you are talking about - you didn't tell anyone you tried it, they made friendly suggestions. I actually think you got some good info from a number of different perspectives but you seem to have focused in on the one thing you didn't like. People can only respond to the information you have given them.

I got that you're not looking for a full time dom right now, I was just trying to give some alternative perspectives as to why people approaching you might not be fully understanding what you are looking for. I will admit that from your initial post I did think that was the eventual plan, but now I see you're looking for a bedroom/sometimes-only dom with no pain, which is also fine. What sort of exploration were you hoping to get from this online?



DarkSteven -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 3:38:04 AM)

Hi there! Welcome to the site.

I read your profile. It gives some idea of what you don't want, but not much about what you do want. Since nature abhors a vacuum, the men are imposing their own ideas.

Would you be open to petplay? Daddy/little girl? Those are the D/s scenes off the top of my head that involve no physical impact. Obviously, there's bondage as well, but that's only for when trust is established.

My question for you is: when you originally decided you wanted to explore being a sub, what did you have in mind?




ChatteParfaitt -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 5:00:50 AM)

quote:

My question for you is: when you originally decided you wanted to explore being a sub, what did you have in mind?


This is a great question, and I hope Clara strives to answer it at least in her own mind.



JetOnly -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 6:36:30 AM)

Im totaly with you on the 'no pain' and yes it is more than possible, but as others have said you have to be open about what it is you do want. Pain is not D/S but it can be part of it if the people like it.
But you can make anything a hard limit
Also I would advise putting a few things possibly like bondage on a soft limit list until you know and trust the person doing it

There used to be lists floating about on the internet that you could fill in either by yourself or with a new partner with many activities for you to fill in if you were into, wanted to try, would tolerate or deff didnt want at all, it might help focus your mind on what you are actually into and not at all

and yes on any site where guys (and girls, Ive had some pretty nasty messages from girls too) think there is the chance of getting into someones pants they will send out cut and paste messages to just about every female on the site in hopes that someone is inexperienced enough to go along with their ideas without them taking the time to know your ideas and desires



orgasmdenial12 -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 7:12:36 AM)

It's not that you're wrong in what you want, and nor should you entertain people who ignore your preferences. But you're going to have to get a thick skin, and a brutal approach.

Don't waste your time arguing, explaining or trying to convert people - you don't need their approval for your opinion, and you're not going to get it anyway.

As soon as a Dom makes reference to it in a way that aggravates you, presume you have been ignored and cut off further contact. Block, delete, move on.

You are going to have to delete a lot of messages, and you are going to have to feel okay about cutting people off without an explanation, otherwise it is going to drive you mad.

For example, I do a lot of orgasm denial, and I get a lot of messages about clit removal or mutilation. Now it's actually illegal to suggest this in the UK, and for a long time I'd tell them off, tell them it was illegal, get into big arguments. I posted on my profile the law, posted warnings about how I would block and report, etc. It didn't make any difference. The big change when I decided to stop investing energy in idiots. Now if I get such an email, I block, report and ignore. It takes very little time, it causes me zero stress - it's their problem, not mine.

Something else you are going to have to learn to do is the short, simple, final answer 'no thanks'. So any time someone asks if you'd like (x) play, you simply reply 'no thanks'. If they persist, block and delete. You don't need to explain why you don't want something, the fact that you don't is answer enough. If they can't handle that, it's their problem, not yours.



Clarashrew -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 8:46:54 AM)

Thank you to those who have answered my questions.
The reason my profile does not describe what I am looking for in a dom is that I am not looking for one here.

As for what I imagined, I don't think I can say it more accurately than in my previous post:

quote:

What I desire is someone I can trust. Whom I can come to when I need a break from it all. Someone who'll say: "you can stop thinking now. I've got you," and then use me and play with me to satisfy both our needs. Whether that means kneeling with my head in his or her lap, being tied down and used for rough sex or even shared or lent out to their friends, only time will tell. I am open to much, just not pain and extreme humiliation.



sheisreeds -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 9:57:26 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Clarashrew

Thank you to those who have answered my questions.
The reason my profile does not describe what I am looking for in a dom is that I am not looking for one here.

As for what I imagined, I don't think I can say it more accurately than in my previous post:

quote:

What I desire is someone I can trust. Whom I can come to when I need a break from it all. Someone who'll say: "you can stop thinking now. I've got you," and then use me and play with me to satisfy both our needs. Whether that means kneeling with my head in his or her lap, being tied down and used for rough sex or even shared or lent out to their friends, only time will tell. I am open to much, just not pain and extreme humiliation.




What you describe is a situation where you are in control, which is the opposite of submission.

Submission is just that, you do for another, not for yourself. The few times I have called on a dominant, I expected to do whatever they wanted me to do. There were limits to the relationship of course, but man if I wanted to push the limits of submission, going to them and not the other way around was sure the way to do it.

This is the real world, not a fantasy. Meaning there is no pause, or press play button. It is life.

If you want a purely play relationship, yeah with a lot of doing you might be able to find this. And many play based dynamics do involve S&M.

Though in a real lasting relationship, that is a D/s relationship, your only choice is to do as he says, you can recommend, you can state your needs, but it's his choice not yours.



Clarashrew -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 10:15:54 AM)

Which is precisely why I would never want the kind of relationship you describe. I have talked to many for whom the dynamic is something they switch on and off. Because we do live in the real world, and not all mature adults can devote all their time to fulfilling or managing someone else's desires or needs like that. Things like family, friends and jobs need to take presedence at times. Most of the time really. So they turn to the dynamic when they have the time and/or need. Many people live like that and it actually works.
Being a sub would never be a lifestyle for me. It would always be just a small part of who I am. Just like being a dom for my sub is only a small part of our relationship/friendship.



sheisreeds -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 10:25:54 AM)

Um, that is how 24/7 M/s relationships work! Both parties usually work, have jobs, etc, but all decisions are made by the dominant partner. The submissive contributes what they desire and want, and in a healthy relationship that is respected.

In a play dynamic, if it is a D/s play dynamic, the dominant sets the time, date and place. I only do D/s in part time, at least for the past 5+ years, and while I can request, it is ultimately not my decision, and if I get what I ask for I really get what I asked for.

It seems what you want is a fantasy that you control, which is not D/s.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 10:31:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Clarashrew

Which is precisely why I would never want the kind of relationship you describe. I have talked to many for whom the dynamic is something they switch on and off. Because we do live in the real world, and not all mature adults can devote all their time to fulfilling or managing someone else's desires or needs like that. Things like family, friends and jobs need to take presedence at times. Most of the time really. So they turn to the dynamic when they have the time and/or need. Many people live like that and it actually works.
Being a sub would never be a lifestyle for me. It would always be just a small part of who I am. Just like being a dom for my sub is only a small part of our relationship/friendship.


As I keep saying, what you are looking for is fine and possible. I just wanted to point out that I live in a 24/7 D/s relationship and it's never got in the way of my job, my family, or my friendships. Because we are mature adults, we know that there's more to life than kneeling and giving blow jobs. There is no conflict between fulfilling his desires and also having an adult life, because he WANTS me to have an adult life. He wants me to have friends, to care for the baby, to be happy, to have a career. Therefore while I'm doing all of those things I'm also serving him.

This is how that total trust you spoke of manifests itself in our lives - I can trust that he has my best interests at heart, including not fucking up my life. He can trust that I'm following his leadership all of the time, even if my attention is currently focused on driving Grandma to the supermarket.

You can definitely have a 'sometimes' dynamic if that's what you want, and it's every bit as valid as any other type. But it's also possible to have an 'always' dynamic while still keeping your adult responsibilities and having a life.



Clarashrew -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 10:32:28 AM)

Just because it's not the way you do it doesn't make it impossible or wrong. There is not one patended way of doing this. No right or wrong. Just people. And everybody is different and want different things.



sheisreeds -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 11:25:41 AM)

No, I never said it was "the way" but based on what you describe you are looking for more of a top/bottom scenario, or a role play scenario rather than D/s. Semantics matter sometimes.

It'll help your search.

Or if what you imagine is different than deal with whatever is inside that is keeping you from that.



Clarashrew -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 11:42:12 AM)

@Athena: thank you. I think your description of you of you dynamic was not only helpful but quite beautiful.

@Sheisreeds: what search? I'm not looking for a dom. I was just asking because it is something I have been wondering about a lot over the last couple of months.



DesFIP -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 12:09:30 PM)

One reason we're confused is that most of us don't define spanking as being hit. We think of face slapping as being hit. Or impact play with heavy paddles. Or switches and belts.

You keep insisting that those of us in 24/7 relationships aren't doing it in real life. I'm not sure what's more real than him banning brussel sprouts from the kitchen table forever more. Or deciding that taking the car to the shop to get the a c fixed is unnecessary, that he'll get to it.

Trust me, I was hot and miserable all summer. It was real.

Here it doesn't mean he makes every decision. It means he can make any decision he cares to make.



sheisreeds -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 12:14:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Clarashrew

I got interested in D/s after reading a story (no not 50 Shades) about a friendship that gradually evolved into a D/s relationship and I was completely captured by the trust and consideration described.
I wanted to be able to hand over complete control to another person in that way, knowing that they had my best interests at heart.


Got me thinking whether you are actively looking now or not this is something you want.

quote:

I would especially like to hear from both D's and S's that practice D/s relationships without inflicting pain in any way. What do you do? What does dominance and submission mean to you?


Based on what you describe you want, in the context of a relationship and D/s, what you are seeking based on most generally agreed upon terms and conditions is a Top/bottom, or role play based D/s relationship. Where the "dominant" has no control or say unless it is requested, or fully consented upon at that moment by you.

Wherein most D/s scenarios whether they are part time or full time tend to in most cases be ones in which the Dominant has the say, though taken into account are the submissives desires and limits.



shiftyw -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 12:58:44 PM)

FR

I define my relationship as a Top/bottom. We don't do 24/7, and that's fine. Although ours is also pretty pain inclusive, but regardless- its a part time deal. We've lived with each other for three years now and love each other, but we are both satisfied with just bedroom/part time play- which is all that really matters.
What you are looking for is possible. Very much so, its just hard for EVERYONE to find a partner thats right for them, vanilla or kink.

ETA- grammar error.



mummyman321 -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 7:58:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Clarashrew
Is it possible to practice D/s without S/m?


Many have indicated it is possible to have a D/s relationship with no pain and I do agree with that. You will run into the people who will try to tell you a sub has no choice or that is not how a sub acts or some other reason you are not a sub or you do not have the right to choose. The reality is the choice is yours to make. Submission is given and not taken. The gift of submission is up to you to give the person you want to. The key for you is finding a Dom who has similar interests as yourself and is looking for that dynamic. Finding that person will take work on your part.

While online is a first learning approach, I would recommend attending some munches in your area to talk with real people. I do not mean to be looking for a Dom at the munch but rather talk with some Dommes, Dom and subs at the munch. You will generally find the people who attend the munches are very friendly and welcome questions from those who are new. Ask about their dynamic with their Dom(me) or sub. I think meeting people in real life who are into D/s will help you better in your search both online in and in person.



OsideGirl -> RE: D/s without pain? (12/1/2013 8:01:38 PM)

D/s is Dominance and submission. You can engage in D/s and never engage in BDSM. In fact, I do have friends that are strictly D/s. no BDSM.

BDSM is bondage/discipline/Sado-Masochism. You can engage in BDSM and never engage is D/s. In fact, I have a friend that is a masochistic bottom. She has no interest in submitting. She simply wants you to beat her ass, fuck her and then go home.



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
4.589844E-02