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Kana -> RE: (from OP) (12/8/2013 5:32:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds
And man, in my house I cannot get some TLC without being called a dumb cunt, or some other similar insult, *sigh*

Yeah, but I bet it was different when you were hurt for that year ;-)



sheisreeds -> RE: (from OP) (12/8/2013 5:38:42 PM)

No, it wasn't lol, it was how the kink survived.

Edited to clarify.

For us humiliating, teasing, bitching, whining, fake outs, are kind of a pressure valve and a safety net.

And oh my god he is a pain in the neck today, not going to go well for him.

See, and that's the thing. People build up in their heads what they want things to be like, and how they think they should go. Some would think it unwise of me to continue tirelessly cleaning our little dungeon room as he behaves like a 3 year old. Though for me it's just allowing me to tick off how mean I'm gonna be.

Relationships need to work how they're gonna work, one partner coming in with just their expectations in mind never goes well.





Focus50 -> RE: (from OP) (12/9/2013 3:09:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Argossy

Kana was the only person who replied who seemed to get what I was aiming for. That's fine. I understand that I'm not in-line with this community. I don't like pain-play. I don't like bondage. I think those are stupid. Tough. I love Dom/sub. And I think it can exist without any need for the other two. That's my kink, and perhaps it's not yours.

My question, which nobody approached, was for some inspiration about some fun things than can be done in a Dom/sub scenario.


You like "playtime", you love "Dom/sub" but bondage is "stupid"...?

A common way to describe a D/s relationship is that's about control. That unlike the theory of an equal vanilla relationship dynamic, D/s is slanted more toward one (the dom) having control over the submissive other - FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF *BOTH*.

For me, it's all about the respective D/s head-space - what I assume you mean by "Dom/sub" - that's where the tone of any activity is set. Dom asserts authority and takes charge; sub complies etc. Ok, it's all very well issuing commands but when it comes to reinforcing who controls whom in a practical sense or physical sense, this is where "stupid" bondage comes into its own. That actions always speak louder than words, most esp the words born of theory.

At the beginning of any relationship, one of the ways I reinforce who's in charge is with a basic bondage scene. Usually a hogtie where she's at her most helpless, I command, cajole and berate her to free herself. And I expect to see some energy and endeavour with it. When she inevitably fails ('cept that one time, dammit) and is bawling her eyes out, *that's* when I grab her by the hair, make her hold my gaze and spell out that I'm in charge and that the only way she gets free from any bondage is when *I* decide, not her.

It's powerful stuff and consequently makes a powerful imprint on the submissive mindset for almost anytime she's given a command. Once all is explained, I generally leave her bound there for an hour or three to drive the point home.

Yeah, "stupid" bondage.... So how do these two subs feel about never being tied up, have you even bothered to ask? I think your question was well and truly "approached" - message was sent but not received.

Focus.



DesFIP -> RE: (from OP) (12/9/2013 4:36:02 AM)

I'm still confused about how he can dominate anyone when he's just a fuck buddy.
Yes, there's bedroom only but he's already stated that he doesn't top.

Since his wife doesn't want the gf coming over to the house to clean in the nude, what can he do? Besides just lie there while she rides him? Because he's already specified that he doesn't want to do anything, he just wants to receive.

Unless he's ordering them to top him?



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: (from OP) (12/9/2013 5:13:07 AM)

from Kana

quote:

The tough thing is that B&D and S&M can be pretty much done on a drop of a dime, being more external in nature.Whereas D/S deals with internals, intangibles. As such,it needs lots more care/awareness and time invested.
But that's just my experience.


It's *my* experience too.

For the OP: you weren't treated you like shit b/c you're new or like to top, what we take issue with is your arrogant 'only I should have pleasure without giving anything in return' attitude.

And yeah, I'm sure you can find women with low enough self esteem to buy into your BS.




kalikshama -> RE: (from OP) (12/9/2013 5:23:04 AM)

OP, I was responding to this part of your post:

quote:

Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? Why is it that I see so little of people writing about that? (Or am I just looking in the wrong places?)


I love to please my man. I'll suck his cock as much as he wants, cook the foods he likes, wear the clothes he wants, put my hair in the style he likes. But we're in a committed relationship.

When I had a skin cancer removed from my nose, he took the day off from work to take me. When he had his vasectomy, I went with him, drove him home, and nurtured him all weekend.

A few years ago, I had a regular play partner who was in an open, long distance relationship. The dynamic was completely different.

Think about "reciprocating levels of commitment."



Apocalypso -> RE: (from OP) (12/9/2013 5:49:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
And yeah, I'm sure you can find women with low enough self esteem to buy into your BS.

I'm not even convinced of that, at least in the long term. Most of those kinds of women are, unsurprisingly, going to be wanting a relationship where they feel better about themselves. From what I've seen so far, I'm not sure the OP is able to offer that.

Thing is OP, I'm kinda in the sort of relationship you say you're wanting. It's heavily weighted towards d/s- the s&m element is so mild it's vanilla compared to a lot of people here. The girl is happy if she makes me happy. And I am officially on the path of doing whatever the fuck I want.

But here's some of the main elements you're missing:

* The part where, over time, she's been able to see firsthand that I can be trusted with that kind of power without it fucking her over or her coming to regret it.

* The fact that, when I've overruled her opinion, she's consistently come to understand why and to agree that I made the right call. Even if she didn't see that when the decision was first made.

* Me actually taking on responsibility for things that are necessary, as opposed to enjoyable. Completely notsexyfun things like doing her tax returns to make sure that they're filled in correctly before the taxman gets them.

See what I mean? And, quite honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm by far one of the less responsible dominants on here. And yet, I'm still taking on a lot of responsibility. Because, for the kind of relationship I have and you want, you really don't have a lot of other options.

To paraphrase Baldwin, power without responsibility is the prerogative of the harlot.




kalikshama -> RE: (from OP) (12/9/2013 6:10:52 AM)

quote:

I don't like pain-play. I don't like bondage. I think those are stupid. Tough. I love Dom/sub. And I think it can exist without any need for the other two. That's my kink, and perhaps it's not yours.

My question, which nobody approached, was for some inspiration about some fun things than can be done in a Dom/sub scenario. I specifically mentioned that these are playdates, since of course that's relevant.


"Fun" is way too relative. What do you and your potential partners consider fun?

I have never considered a play partner to be my Dom. I reserve that for men with whom I am in relationships. I do do BDSM in the bedroom, not D/s.

However, you may find some inspiration in "50 Shades of Grey."




crazyml -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/9/2013 6:44:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm a Dom. As such, I want to earn control, and I want to exert control. The way I earn control is by thinkings:

What is best for me?
What is best for her?
What is best for our relationship?

It's not just me getting my own rocks off. It's about me trying to develop us in a positive way.


Oh Jesus Steven... there you go again with that "This d/s stuff might actually be more fun and rewarding in the context of a real relationship" hoo-haa.

I mean, WTF!



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/9/2013 8:36:55 AM)

Next he's going to say SEX is better within the context of a committed relationship.

I'm reporting him and he's about to lose his dom card.

SO THERE!



tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/9/2013 11:59:05 AM)

Oooooo the threat of taking away his Dom Card!!! That's just, well just, well plain ole mean, like putting coal in a xmas stocking! [8D] [;)]



orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/11/2013 1:06:23 PM)

I have a book with an essay that details typical Dom / sub / switch fantasies (based on fairly solid research).

The most common fantasy from male Doms? Giving a female submissive pleasure. Their fantasies involved things like forced orgasms or spanking her till she cums, making her masturbate at a particular time or place, etc.

Of course it's not wrong for you to fantasise about being given pleasure, however the reason you're reading a lot of Doms talking about the way they can control pleasure for their submissive is that this is a very common fantasy.

The group most likely to see submission as a way of enforcing pleasure for themselves? Switches.

There's nothing wrong with being selfish, it's just that Doms are rarely as self-centred or pleasured-focussed as mythology might have you believe.



Kana -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/11/2013 1:18:19 PM)

quote:

The most common fantasy from male Doms? Giving a female submissive pleasure. Their fantasies involved things like forced orgasms or spanking her till she cums, making her masturbate at a particular time or place, etc.


Yeah,but that's because in their heart of hearts,every guy knows that he's so manly and desirable that all women will toss their morals and values aside in a heartbeat and turn her pussy into Old Faithful.

S'true



JeffBC -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/14/2013 6:34:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Argossy
So I have some great ideas for how I will initiate them, but I have been looking for ideas for where to go after that initial ramp-up. When I read literature, I find what stuff that is very confusing to me: the Dom working his ass of to pleasure the sub; usually through pain though sometimes through bondage, humiliation, etc. There are a lot of forms taken, but all of them look to me like domming from the bottom -- where the Dom is actually serving the sub by doing his best to create the most pleasurable experience for her.

Seriously? OK, so first we have that idiotic concept "topping from the bottom" and now we have "domming from the bottom"??? Good god it's amazing to me that BDSM folk can get out of bed without checking 60,000 points of propriety. Look, Carol and I are in a relationship... a very, very tightly knit teamwork based relationship. Her happiness IS my happiness and vice-versa. In pack-speak, it's all about the pack and the happiness of the pack for both of us. So you can damned well bet that I work my ass off to please her. ROFL, I just used my dominance strongly yesterday to make her buy a new easel. That was all about her happiness not mine.

quote:

Now I have no problem with my subs having pleasure; but frankly I'd prefer that their greatest pleasure be giving me pleasure. Is that so odd? Why is it that I see so little of people writing about that? (Or am I just looking in the wrong places?)

For Carol and I, we both take responsibility for our partner's happiness/pleasure. So yeah, it is both her responsibility and one of her greatest pleasures to give me pleasure and happiness overall. It's one of her most important roles in the pack/team/whatever. The same is true of me in reverse.

Your model is what I call the adversarial model of relationships and I don't recommend it to people. I prefer to teamwork based relationship that is not a zero-sum game. In other words, I prefer happiness and winning over misery and losing.



JetOnly -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/14/2013 8:14:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I have a book with an essay that details typical Dom / sub / switch fantasies (based on fairly solid research).

The most common fantasy from male Doms? Giving a female submissive pleasure. Their fantasies involved things like forced orgasms or spanking her till she cums, making her masturbate at a particular time or place, etc.

Of course it's not wrong for you to fantasise about being given pleasure, however the reason you're reading a lot of Doms talking about the way they can control pleasure for their submissive is that this is a very common fantasy.

The group most likely to see submission as a way of enforcing pleasure for themselves? Switches.

There's nothing wrong with being selfish, it's just that Doms are rarely as self-centred or pleasured-focussed as mythology might have you believe.

Not wanting to start a fight - just asking is that really what your experience has been?? I am a switch and have been in relationships with other switches and when I am Dom it is in no way about being selfish just for me it is about me controling things based on the things BOTH of us enjoy - and quite a lot of it involves spending lots and lots of time on him
when I am a sub I am 100% wanting to give pleasure to him - and quite often that involves things like forcing myself to cum when he wants and as often as he wishes it
I dont know what others experience of switching is but for me it means that I have 2 completely different sides



Focus50 -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/14/2013 10:41:37 AM)

There are some interesting points here. And I don't mean about switches as I wouldn't know from that perspective.

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I have a book with an essay that details typical Dom / sub / switch fantasies (based on fairly solid research).

The most common fantasy from male Doms? Giving a female submissive pleasure. Their fantasies involved things like forced orgasms or spanking her till she cums, making her masturbate at a particular time or place, etc.

Of course it's not wrong for you to fantasise about being given pleasure, however the reason you're reading a lot of Doms talking about the way they can control pleasure for their submissive is that this is a very common fantasy.

The group most likely to see submission as a way of enforcing pleasure for themselves? Switches.

First point is (to paraphrase) the "most common fantasy from male Doms is giving a female submissive pleasure". On that I'll disagree. It has a truth but is way too simplistic. Certainly a focal point is the fem/sub's pleasure receptors. But giving her pleasure is no more a part of the action than is denying it to her. The ol' "carrot on a string" and not every scene ends with her getting the desired "carrot".

Ultimately, and this is where the OP is NOT paying attention, the sub's own needs are still important if you want her coming back for more and thus benefit BOTH of you. So yeah, *most* times there's a pleasure "payday" for her and her own focus/compliance/performance on the day is a deciding factor. But to fantasise about being a fem/sub pleasure provider - nah - I've got way more evil on my mind when it comes to a hungry pussy. She's gonna earn it - if/when *I* decide - and she's gonna feel a whole bunch of other sensations in between.



quote:

There's nothing wrong with being selfish, it's just that Doms are rarely as self-centred or pleasured-focussed as mythology might have you believe.

This is me to a 'T'.... Most scenes, the girl's naked whereas I'm wearing at least pants but usually fully clothed. This is partly about her headspace (vulnerability etc), esp if she's the modest type and partly a practical way of keeping myself focused - of "keeping it in my pants"! lol

Frankly, most times the last thing I want distracting me during a scene is an erection. Don't get me wrong, good sex is everything anyone ever said about it but it's rarely my focus or desire when I've got a bonafide fem/sub to mess with. If I had to choose between great sex or being in the D/s zone I'll take the latter every time. And sure, often scenes will end up with me sticking my dick in her somewhere. But that's as often spontaneous as it is planned and it'd be at the back end of the scene rather than the main course.

Sex is good but a fem/sub offers way more possibilities than just that.

Focus.



angelikaJ -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/14/2013 12:22:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JetOnly


quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I have a book with an essay that details typical Dom / sub / switch fantasies (based on fairly solid research).

The most common fantasy from male Doms? Giving a female submissive pleasure. Their fantasies involved things like forced orgasms or spanking her till she cums, making her masturbate at a particular time or place, etc.

Of course it's not wrong for you to fantasise about being given pleasure, however the reason you're reading a lot of Doms talking about the way they can control pleasure for their submissive is that this is a very common fantasy.

The group most likely to see submission as a way of enforcing pleasure for themselves? Switches.

There's nothing wrong with being selfish, it's just that Doms are rarely as self-centred or pleasured-focussed as mythology might have you believe.

Not wanting to start a fight - just asking is that really what your experience has been?? I am a switch and have been in relationships with other switches and when I am Dom it is in no way about being selfish just for me it is about me controling things based on the things BOTH of us enjoy - and quite a lot of it involves spending lots and lots of time on him
when I am a sub I am 100% wanting to give pleasure to him - and quite often that involves things like forcing myself to cum when he wants and as often as he wishes it
I dont know what others experience of switching is but for me it means that I have 2 completely different sides


I think you misread what was written.
The poster said that while there is nothing wrong with being selfish that Doms are rarely as self centered ad mythology might have one believe.

And you are saying that you are neither selfish when you are a dominant partner nor when you are a sub (unless you see wanting to give pleasure to another to be a selfish act... and I think it can be, but that is another post [;)] ).




JeffBC -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/17/2013 6:10:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tiggerspoohbear
Oooooo the threat of taking away his Dom Card!!! That's just, well just, well plain ole mean, like putting coal in a xmas stocking! [8D] [;)]

<--- *sigh* Tell me about it.



lovethyself -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/17/2013 11:30:19 AM)

Fr,

OP, I think I understand what you're asking. Unfortunately, as others have said, there really isn't enough information of the right kind to answer you. Your op reads to me, a stranger on the internet, as generic Dom A is new to D/s, has met generic sub B. They've hit it off and want to play together, but A isn't sure what to do with a sub, and the places he's looked haven't given him any ideas. So he came here for help.

Honestly, the first things I would have suggested to you based solely on that would have been to incorporate bondage, impact, or pain into your play session, because that's what I love to have in a scene. With no specifics from you about what you like, or what your sub likes, we've got no basis for ideas. The only thing we have is that you'd like your sub to be providing you with the sensations, instead of you topping her for most of it.

If I could make a suggestion, it would be to try again with a completely different approach. Do some homework, figure out what things you really want to have in the scene, and why you want them (understanding the why will help you find compromises that still give you the feeling you want). Then come back and start again.

Here's an example of what I mean (written as a fictional me, not as you).

Hi, I'm a new top and I need some help. I've been talking to this awesome bottom that I've met about doing a scene together. We've really hit it off and feel comfortable with playing together. The scene's going to be at her place, so time-wise we've got a few hours to play. I know that I definitely want to incorporate some struggling while bound, because she said that it's something she really wants to do. For her it's all about the physical display of dominance that gets her to feel more subby. What I need are ideas for things to start with that might help get her into that mindset before the big struggle part. Hand and oral stimulation is okay, but we've already negotiated no penetration.

So does anyone have suggestions on other activities I could add that would be similar enough in energy to work with what I've already got?

OP, do you see how that example might garner more constructive and useful feedback from other posters? They have somewhere to start, an idea of what the goal is for the scene/play, and some things that interest the parties as well as the limit sexually. If you want some feedback that's useful, you have to give them something to work with. There are some awesome people on these boards, that have some really creative minds (as well as evil and sadistic, but some of us love that), and would be happy to help spark your creativity.

Good luck with your play date.



lilcracker -> RE: Dom/sub playtime - about her serving Me, not other way around (12/17/2013 2:53:36 PM)

I love to please my partner....however, we are in a committed relationship and the pleasing is not always just a sexual thing, nor is it one sided. Pleasing him can range from something sexual that is just for him or something as simple as him coming home to a super clean apartment and his favorite meal being ready for him to eat...and he often returns that...sometimes it's him buying some treat like my fav tea or most recently...getting some mistletoe so I can experience being kissed under it.

Sorry OP, if all I did was sexually please some guy that was already in a committed vanilla relationship...it would not last very long unless I was getting paid or something.



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