RE: Jealousy and submission

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/7/2013 7:37:45 PM

MistressDarkArt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

What you should do is find the things about yourself that make you happy, and celebrate them. Once you make your own peace, your confidence will positively impact the other things you are considering.

^^ I love this. Everyone can benefit from this advice, not just the OP. Good on you, RU.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
I'd approach things more like, "We've grown close and we do a lot of couple-type things together, which I really enjoy and value. But I'm starting to feel jealous. Not saying it's right, not saying it's wrong either. But it's real, so I wanted to let you know and see if we could talk for a bit about exactly what we're doing together, and how to make it as good as possible for both of us."

And this, OP. It's honest, heartfelt, and could potentially open some doors for you.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 12/7/2013 7:49:17 PM >

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/7/2013 9:24:27 PM

rokkman7456

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Joined: 2/25/2013
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Thank you for all of the last group of posts, This is a very complicated relationship. She called today and we talked, I told her how happy it made me to hear her voice and and she responded with the same. Looking forward to spending some time together next weekend. Yes I am falling in love with her and well her .... who knows. Life is not how many breathes we take but the moments that take our breathe away. She takes my breathe away

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 10:10:15 AM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Since I had to look it up, GFE means "girl friend experience". For other uninitiated like me...

But it's always in the context of a set time, like an hour or half-an-hour. Sex that includes emotionally intimate moments, like kissing on the lips or snuggling. I actually thought that part of Rochsub's comment was misfired. The OP didn't sound like GFE at all to me. It sounded as though the lady genuinely enjoys having a relationship with this guy that is more than just play. Maybe they are both surprised by this, and neither of them planned it, so they don't know what the boundaries should be, or if there are boundaries at all.

RedMagic1,
I haven't been back to this thread for a while, so I'm just seeing your reply.

Perhaps you're right. But perhaps not. I go back to my original question; "What would happen if he stopped paying her?" If the answer is that the relationship would end, then he is strictly a client, and she is providing a very nice GFE for him.

Personally, I would never allow myself to fall in love with a provider as the OP admits that he has done. I don't know about you, but I'm not in the habit of paying people that I love in order for them to love me in return.

About 5 years ago I was with a Domme who was both a lifestyle Domme and a pro Domme. I knew her as a lifestyle Domme. I was her 24/7 sub. I did most of her household chores, I was always on-call for her, and I was her bull (she had a cuckold husband who was also her slave). We also did vanilla things together (e.g. went to movies, dinner, play parties at the local BDSM club, etc.). Unlike her other subs/slaves, I never paid her. Not a single penny.

But her other subs/slaves thought that they were special to her too. But they all paid her. And if they had stopped paying her, she would have stopped seeing them. In fact, she often talked about some of them to me when they weren't around. There was one in particular who she thought was really sweet, but he had the worst breath. We used to laugh about "Old Dragon Breath".

My point is that as a pro, it is smart business to make the clients feel loved. It's smart business to even give them special attention, or pro bono time. Most exotic dancers talk to their regulars and give them free lap dances to keep them coming back. They intentionally make them feel special. And those regular customers often fall in love with the dancer.

I don't know the OP. Perhaps he and his Domme are really in love. But to me, until she allows him to stop paying her, he is merely a client, and she is giving him excellent GFE service. That doesn't mean that they can't talk on the phone or have dinner with one another.

If I've read the thread right, she is significantly younger than him and is a college student. My guess is that once she is out of school and begins her career, she won't need the money that she is now getting from being a pro Domme. When that happens, the "relationship" with her old suitor is likely to end.

I could be wrong. But as I said, the OP can find out quickly enough by telling her that he no longer intends to pay her. Once he does that, the reality of the situation will become clear. If he's lucky, she will declare her undying love for him and tell him that she doesn't care about his money. But I rather doubt that's how it will play out, and I suggest he continues to pay her so his nice GFE fantasy can continue.

BTW OP, I don't know you or your Domme. So please understand that all of my comments are generic. I hope that the two of you live happily ever after. But I have seen many men like you over the years with very similar stories. You may be the exception. But my comments are addressing what typically happens.

Good luck to you. I really do wish you the best.

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 12:03:05 PM

RedMagic1

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Sure, but there are plenty of vanilla relationships that would end if the man stopped paying for things, even if the woman is making decent money -- a much higher percentage end if the man is laid off than if the woman is laid off. (Who was it who said that the male version of a BBW is an EWH -- "empty-wallet hero"?) So having money as a prerequisite isn't unusual, even for a loving relationship. Maybe the world shouldn't be that way, but for a great many people it still is.

The situation doesn't sound one-dimensional to me. That's really all I'm trying to say.

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 1:52:24 PM

rokkman7456

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RemoteUser, Most of my peace and confidence comes from my career, I am very successful at what I do. At the time I was looking for a diversion from that. I have plenty that makes me happy, I have been a successful, father, business owner, musician and now guiding two businesses in a better direction. Also I am in the prime of my life, I am in the best shape both physically and monetarily. Relationship wise my life has been a roller coaster since 2006. Like I said, this was supposed to be a diversion, it turned into more and now I am trying to figure out what to do with it.

quote:

Well, talk to her about it, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Maybe she enjoys knowing that you get jealous, and that's something she wants to continue. Which is fine, maybe, as long as you feel SAFE at the same time. Sort of like she "cuckolds" you by sessioning with other men, to make money or because she enjoys it or both, but there's something she gives you that she gives nobody else.

This doesn't sound bad to me, for whatever that's worth. Even if she did lie to you about that session, it was probably because she didn't want to hurt you. She might be just as confused as you are: "This is really nice, but wtf do I do now?"

Again I think you hit it on the head, She does enjoy doing sessions, she does need the money and I would bet a lot that she does things with me that she does not do with others. We talk daily and most of it does not involve bdsm. When we are out most of it is normal couple shit with an occasional bit of naughty thrown in.

Pretty sure she knows how I feel about her. She had me start a blog and I have been pretty open and honest in it. But I really do need to verbalize it to her.

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 2:04:11 PM

rokkman7456

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Any man who says he doesn't pay for it is lying to himself. I jokingly told her she was cheaper than having a girlfriend once, Ya I know not real bright or romantic. Truthfully my ex girlfriends drinking and smoking habit cost me a lot more.

Rochsub, trust me I get your point. Somebody else gave me the advice to stop paying. It's 80 a session fuck it. I used to go out and drink and gamble more than that, at least here it is going to a good cause. Will something come of it, who knows, only time will tell.

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 3:25:06 PM

LadyPact

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OP, I'm not trying to be hard on you, but I think you should pay attention to this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
You say you are not jealous of this other sub, but you are checking his Fet page often enough to track your Dommes activities. That sounds like jealousy to me.

To Me, the fact that you are doing this shows a huge amount of insecurity. You wouldn't be searching through HIS page (not hers, and that's an important distinction) to see what he is doing with her. You need to be strong enough in your own relationship not to be concerned about what she is doing with work.

I've seen a number of your posts that have mentioned how happy this arrangement makes you. If you are jealous and/or insecure, that's not exactly happiness. Or, at least, it's something that is eating at your happiness. In a sense, you are giving that other gentleman power over you because you are so concerned about what he is doing. People who are happy in their own right don't need to do that. I mean, what's next? If the guy creates and account here, are you going to search all of his forum posts just to see what he has to say? It takes a very small person to do that.

There's nothing wrong with sitting down and discussing with her that you have a preference to know if she's going on appointments. At the same time, she may not consider you a boyfriend and/or a romantic involvement, and if she doesn't, you may not necessarily have the right to know. Do you think the other client has any right to know anything about you? If not, you really don't have the right to know when his sessions happen, either.

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 3:41:52 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

OP, I'm not trying to be hard on you, but I think you should pay attention to this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
You say you are not jealous of this other sub, but you are checking his Fet page often enough to track your Dommes activities. That sounds like jealousy to me.

That is what stood out for me too.

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 4:36:25 PM

AAkasha

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rokkman,
I believe in earlier posts (I might be wrong) you indicated that your femdom partner was encouraging you to seek a place in the bdsm community because she expects to be moving away and your time with her is going to come to a close. This does not sound like someone who is developing romantic feelings, it sounds like someone setting emotional boundaries while protecting a good client.

This, combined with the fact that she still does charge you $80 a session, to me seems to indicate that you are a client and not a boyfriend or moving into lifestyle territory. A lot of pro femdoms do see clients as friends. If you are taking her to nice dinners and pampering her (taking her shopping) in your time together, it's an extension of your professional relationship.

You need to just protect your emotional involvement. If you feel that you are emotionally and romantically attached then stop paying for the sessions and tell her you want a romantic relationship and see how she responds. If you are reluctant to do so, then what is your gut telling you?

I often tell subs, "Stop settling." You sound like you want a relationship and she's providing the comforts of one but at arm's length. Otherwise, I don't think she'd be taking the money and telling you to be prepared for her exit - she'd be in angst trying to figure out how to continue the relationship in a long distance manner.

Make sure you're on the same page - but if you choose not to ask the hard questions (for fear you might "lose" or "offend" her and have her stop sessioning with you), it's not appropriate for you to be envious of her playtime with others. You are a client the same as they are, but you have friendship. Also, she may be cultivating your friendship for business purposes. Always be cautious.

Akasha

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 5:26:45 PM

rokkman7456

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A kasha we have had discussions about still seeing each other in the future. She will only be a few hours away. All others dully noted.

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RE: Jealousy and submission - 12/9/2013 7:39:46 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rokkman7456

Any man who says he doesn't pay for it is lying to himself.............

Rochsub, trust me I get your point. Somebody else gave me the advice to stop paying. It's 80 a session fuck it. I used to go out and drink and gamble more than that, at least here it is going to a good cause. Will something come of it, who knows, only time will tell.

Rokkman,
I agree. We all pay for it one way or another.