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RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 12:26:58 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrisRivers

Well my wife is actually quite a submissive person in reality. I feel like she respects me much for my decisiveness and leadership. I am afraid that if I tell my wife she will think less of me or be freaked out. Plus right now I highly doubt she would want to be or play the role of a Dominatrix.

But you don't know that for sure. Just like she doesn't know that you're secretly submissive.

You'd be amazed at the number of women who would LOVE to take control in their relationship. Rather than thinking of it like some dominatrix fantasy from porn, think about it a little differently. Try making a game out of it. Tell your wife that you would find it very sexy if she would take control and make you her sex slave during love making. Tell her that you would do whatever she wants you to, and that she would be completely in control. Let her know that you won't judge her, and that no matter how weird her fantasy may be, as her "sex slave" you will do your best to obey her and make her fantasy a reality.

Most guys approach femdom from a selfish, porn-induced perspective. Instead, try to approach it from HER perspective. Ask yourself "what's in it for her?". Make it a win/win proposition. When men approach it from that perspective, most women are open to the idea.

If she enjoys taking control in the bedroom, then you can expand your little game outside of the bedroom. Pretty soon, you may have a full-time dominant wife on your hands.

But once again, you'll never know unless you try. Just remember to go slow, and try to make it as appealing to her as possible, rather than making it all about you.

Good luck to you.
-Roch

Edit: Okay, I just read Athena's response. Yeah, that could work too.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 12/16/2013 12:29:39 PM >

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 21

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 12:58:01 PM

eulero83

Posts: 1470
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrisRivers

Well my wife is actually quite a submissive person in reality. I feel like she respects me much for my decisiveness and leadership. I am afraid that if I tell my wife she will think less of me or be freaked out. Plus right now I highly doubt she would want to be or play the role of a Dominatrix.

Are you sure the problem in being dominated by your wife isn't yours? I don't know but if I read between lines of this message I think you have this image of yourself, probably part of your self esteem comes from it, you just don't want to show your wife this "new" side of yours becuse you fear her judgment as you think it to be shamefull, with a stranger it would be easier as she would not be so important to you.
The truth is that if you are not very introvert and shy and this needs are genuine, for sure you hav shown something of this side of your personality, now i don't think she will freak out because you want to "worship her like a goddess" she can have more likely problems with inflicting pain, that's not for all, but starting with "baby steps" sky is the limit

.
If you want my advice being caught cheating that way could be devastating, it's not worth the risk, by talking to her in the worst scenario she will say "no way" forget everything the next morning.

edit: I just read athena's post, she said very important things, if she decide to go for it, parise her for every effort, tell her everything made you look at her in a sexier light.

< Message edited by eulero83 -- 12/16/2013 1:09:33 PM >

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 22

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 2:45:38 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rawni

Tell your wife and I am sure she will dominate your tail end.

So what you're really asking is... is there a dominant woman that would help me cheat on my wife and be my dirty little secret?

Of course they are, but really, would you trust her?

If she doesn't...I suspect her attorney will.

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 23

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 2:46:44 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Are you interested in a Mistress with ethics?

Silly wabbit (I think, based on his OP....that's a smidge redundant).

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 24

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 2:48:04 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

OP - I just looked at your profile. You're only 28. What makes you think your wife wouldn't be up for a little kinky exploration?

My (now ex) husband and I got into BDSM together. I got a few of the non-fiction books listed here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm and suggested we try this and that. Worked like a charm.

Does your new, sudden, overwhelming interest in Femdom have anything to do with porn? You do realize real life does not work like porn, yes? Your likelihood of finding a Mistress who you do not have to pay to play, is very, very small.

Wh.....wh.....wh......wut?

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 25

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 3:02:23 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rawni

Tell your wife and I am sure she will dominate your tail end.

So what you're really asking is... is there a dominant woman that would help me cheat on my wife and be my dirty little secret?

Of course they are, but really, would you trust her?

If she doesn't...I suspect her attorney will.

Oh yes, divorce attorneys are all about dominating you, OP

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 26

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/16/2013 9:02:30 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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chris-
Athena put it beautifully, her words are right on the mark. I agree with others, I think you may be confusing what porn or conventional wisdom has with dominant women, that they are these leather clad bitches who want to tie you up and whip you and so forth, with the man being this wimp/lowly worm slave, etc. Worse, the porn is very much like a pro domme session, where most of it quite frankly is the domme giving the client what they want (the crap in ads, like "I do what I want, you have no choice, I am cruel, demanding, etc" is mostly pr to attract guys in, many of the clients of pro dommes expect to have done to them what they wish, and if the domme doesn't, they scream bloody murder; many of the clients of pro dommes are alpha males IRL, and treat the dommes like that...there are exceptions, there are lifestyle dominas who are pro and attract some truly sub clients, but they are rare IME).

I agree with others, try your wife, I think you might be surprised. One thing to keep in mind is women your age have been exposed to a lot of this stuff, it just isn't that rare any more, I would be really surprised if she hadn't been exposed to it. A 'real' domme/sub relationship is a two way street, it is a relationship, when a dominant female plays with you she gets enjoyment out of it, too, she isn't just doing what you want, and you as the sub have to give back, too, it can be in the energy you exude, it can be in how you react, or what you do. I have seen BD/SM porn and it seems to end with the dominant sucking the guy off then having sex with him......IRL, maybe the domina would face sit the guy and not let him have an orgasm, all kinds of things..it is shared. And want to know a big, big secret? Having played both ways, playing with someone you care about is fucking way more awesome than someone you don't, I played with pro dommes who I also was close friends with, and it isn't the same thing, even though we were more doing domme/sub stuff than simply playing.......and learning together is amazing, it is a road that is just unreal, and being shared it can blow you away:).

One note on all this, what are you looking for? Are you looking for a 24/7 relationship, where she controls everything, or are you looking for it in the bedroom? If you want lifestyle, you have to build up to that, do it in the bedroom first and see what happens, then let it grow, organically. The porn version of domme/sub is a card board cutout of what it really is.....the other thing is, being sub doesn't mean being a jelly roll or some wimpy doofus with no backbone. I can't speak as a domme, but from my experience they wanted a strong person, male or female depending on their orientation, one they guided and who they cherished them turning their power over to them. You can be an alpha, and be a sub, and your wife doesn't have to make every decision if she doesn't want to, she could delegate things to you, depend in your strength, and she will prob rely on you for your input and prob your recommendation as well. The thing is a sub isn't a wimp necessarily, a sub can be very alpha, very strong, in most of their life but submit to the one they love, and she in turn can use his strength by directing it.....the power exchange is up to the couple, and you guys could probably find something that worked for you.....and she won't necessarily think of you as a wimp, as long as you don't try and be a doormat and expect to dump everything on her. As my wife/domme said when construction was being done on our house, why should I (her) have to deal with these schmucks, you keep them in line, and if you do it well, I'll punish you:)

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 27

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 12:06:48 AM

eulero83

Posts: 1470
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: njlauren

I agree with others, try your wife, I think you might be surprised. One thing to keep in mind is women your age have been exposed to a lot of this stuff, it just isn't that rare any more, I would be really surprised if she hadn't been exposed to it.

yes maybe after you exposed yourself and made her your speech she could answer: "fine I'll dominate you, but you'll have to tribute like the others"

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 28

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 1:33:53 AM

Dreamless

Posts: 104
Joined: 7/30/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrisRivers

Well my wife is actually quite a submissive person in reality. I feel like she respects me much for my decisiveness and leadership. I am afraid that if I tell my wife she will think less of me or be freaked out. Plus right now I highly doubt she would want to be or play the role of a Dominatrix.

Soo you know how a lot of guys in leadership positions really like to be dominated?

A lot of women in submissive positions like to dominate.

In bed.

Man, if you knew me IRL, I'm quiet, polite, and put everyone's needs before my own. That does not stop me from getting hot and bothered over hurting, tying up, and tormenting guys. Being a submissive person doesn't mean that it won't turn her on, because just like you're a naturally dominant type (or seem to be implying such) with secretly submissive urges, she could also have a latent desire or simply never thought about it! It is totally possible she could have hidden desires of her own. Maybe you should pick her brain. There's some great advice going on in this thread already.

There are some awesome people on here who are say, naturally alpha and constantly in alpha mode and there are some who are fetishists who just want kink in the bedroom and there are some for whom sex never even enters the equation because it's just about the fetish.

Porn really isn't a good example of genuine femdommeness. You can, and should, make it your own--and it will be beautiful.

So yeah. I'd try your wife first. You might be surprised.

_____________________________

Steampunk top (hat?)

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 29

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 4:10:33 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrisRivers
Well my wife is actually quite a submissive person in reality.

Ah, those types can be proper femdom goers underneath - seriously. You might just find out that she gets *very* excited by the idea of controlling you. I'd suggest you give her some subtle hints to see how she takes them.

However - big 'however' - I know from experience that it can be difficult to see one's erstwhile non-dominant partner *as* a dominant. That takes a wrench of one's 'worldview' of one's partner. But it can be done. Suddenly a big bang of magic is in your relationship that you never thought could happen.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 30

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 5:24:24 AM

MsMJAY

Posts: 515
Joined: 3/17/2013
Status: offline

You have received some good advice here. Whatever you do, don't cheat on your wife. Whatever you think you are going to get out of cheating, its not worth it. She deserves your faithfulness and honesty. Don't rob her of that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrisRivers

I am trying to get a sense out there if I have any chance in serving a mistress while I remain married. I married my wife 2 years ago and at that time I had no idea that I was interested in femdom. Now I desperately want to serve a Mistress while remaining married and not telling my wife. Would all Mistresses dismiss me because I am married and not willing to tell my wife?

(in reply to ChrisRivers)

Post #: 31

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 5:24:34 AM

shadowborn61

Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline

So here is another view for you OP
My wife and i had been married for three years and we were happy or at least i thought we were. One day she comes to me and says we needed to talk and i thought oh god this is the end. She had a reputation of moving from man to man before i met her.
But instead of the "you are not making me happy" stuff i expected she told me that she loved me very much and never wanted to hurt or lose me but she could not stay monogamous. I remember thinking that at least she wasn't cheating on me and had the decency to let me know how she felt.
After some discussion we both found we feel the same way about sex and that is that it does not equate with love, Yes love makes it better but just plain old hot sweaty sex is FUN and i was free to find others to play with (safely) as well.
It wasn't six months after this that she introduced me to the world of BDSM and D/s.
We have been married 15 years now and have a beautiful 13 year old son and we are both submissives although she can switch for me on occasion if her mood is right and yes she can be very sadistic for my masochistic side when she switches.
Lately we have discussed things and are starting down the road of a Poly marriage since neither of us can fulfill all of the others needs.
If she had not come to me honestly and TALKED with me we would not be together now.

< Message edited by shadowborn61 -- 12/17/2013 5:27:04 AM >

(in reply to rokkman7456)

Post #: 32

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 9:00:00 AM

JetOnly

Posts: 78
Joined: 11/6/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: njlauren

~And want to know a big, big secret? Having played both ways, playing with someone you care about is fucking way more awesome than someone you don't, I played with pro dommes who I also was close friends with, and it isn't the same thing, even though we were more doing domme/sub stuff than simply playing.......and learning together is amazing, it is a road that is just unreal, and being shared it can blow you away:).~

Agree with it all - but love and totaly agree with ^^ that bit :)

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 33

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 1:32:40 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowborn61

So here is another view for you OP
My wife and i had been married for three years and we were happy or at least i thought we were. One day she comes to me and says we needed to talk and i thought oh god this is the end. She had a reputation of moving from man to man before i met her.
But instead of the "you are not making me happy" stuff i expected she told me that she loved me very much and never wanted to hurt or lose me but she could not stay monogamous. I remember thinking that at least she wasn't cheating on me and had the decency to let me know how she felt.
After some discussion we both found we feel the same way about sex and that is that it does not equate with love, Yes love makes it better but just plain old hot sweaty sex is FUN and i was free to find others to play with (safely) as well.
It wasn't six months after this that she introduced me to the world of BDSM and D/s.
We have been married 15 years now and have a beautiful 13 year old son and we are both submissives although she can switch for me on occasion if her mood is right and yes she can be very sadistic for my masochistic side when she switches.
Lately we have discussed things and are starting down the road of a Poly marriage since neither of us can fulfill all of the others needs.
If she had not come to me honestly and TALKED with me we would not be together now.

OK, before I say anything else, I want to mention that this part that I'm quoting here is really, really good.

The rest that follows is a general comment.

~~~~~~

One thing that really bugs Me when threads like this come up is how quickly people want to encourage folks to try to turn their spouse into something they are not. For all of the talk that I hear about how kinky folks should be accepted for being exactly who they are, why are people so fast to try to push kink, or Dominance, or submission on somebody who might be perfectly content to be vanilla. Like it or not, vanilla folks have just as much of a right to *just* be vanilla as those of us who happen to have kinks that we express.

Sure, OP. Check things out. See if there really is some kink under there that *might* come to the surface if it's inspired by reading certain materials. At the same time, understand that she has the right to be exactly who she is if there isn't really some inner Domme inside.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to shadowborn61)

Post #: 34

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/17/2013 11:05:18 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Sure, OP. Check things out. See if there really is some kink under there that *might* come to the surface if it's inspired by reading certain materials. At the same time, understand that she has the right to be exactly who she is if there isn't really some inner Domme inside.

[/color]

I do agree with this BUT I also think there's a huge amount of middle ground between her being totally kink-free and her having an inner Domme. The OP has never experienced any of this yet, I didn't read it that he needs a 24/7 D/s arrangement (at least not currently). I think for most people there is a compromise to be found on this - she may not be domme by nature but may well be able to top him once a month to scratch that itch, and he would compromise by indulging her fantasy/not complaining about only being kinky once a month.

I don't think asking your partner for some kink means asking them to change - in some cases you're just asking for a favour and I think married couples should be able to do that.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 35

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/18/2013 1:09:44 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you. It's just My attempt to show the other side.

As I've said on the forum many times, neither MP nor I switch. The reason that we don't and went poly instead? Neither one of us enjoys bottoming in any way, shape, or form. Neither of us enjoys topping the other when we know it's not fun for the other individual. That makes it a burden and who wants that potential resentment regarding your sex life?

Saying that the OP will offer to trade one of his kinky fantasies in exchange for one of hers is all well and good if she actually has any. There are plenty of people out there who don't. It's not that they don't know what BDSM is or they've never heard about it. They just honestly don't have any desire for it. I've even run across the vanilla wife who was glad that her husband was getting his kinks desires met somewhere else, and this is a direct quote, because "now he'll stop trying to pressure and continually annoy" her about it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 36

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/18/2013 2:57:03 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

That's true (about her possibly not having any fantasies), and partly why I emphasised having lots of excellent vanilla sex the whole time too.

I guess I'm biased because I'm very monogamous and his kinks would have to be pretty damn weird if I were to prefer opening the relationship to fulfilling them myself.

I understand it's not the same if the dominant doesn't really want it. I don't think it necessarily has to lead to resentment though, if both parties are on the same team about it.

I totally agree that if she doesn't like it, he shouldn't pressure her. Ultimately he is the one who changed his tastes and not her, so as sympathetic as I am he bears the burden. I also totally agree that there's nothing wrong with having zero kinky tastes (and I actually dislike the term 'vanilla' because it implies boring or lame).

I'm still adamant he owes it to her to come clean (I'm sure we don't disagree on the honesty thing) and that she owes it to him to at the very least learn about it and consider whether she can meet his need. I suspect (though again, this could be my bias) that there's greater odds of her domming/topping him than of her agreeing for him to have a Mistress outside the relationship, at least at first.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 37

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/18/2013 5:34:59 AM

eulero83

Posts: 1470
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

. I've even run across the vanilla wife who was glad that her husband was getting his kinks desires met somewhere else, and this is a direct quote, because "now he'll stop trying to pressure and continually annoy" her about it.

I can't know what was the problem in that couple but my guess with this sentence is the husband was requesting it in a way that made her feel nothing more than a sex toy to fulfill his obsession. My first girlfriend had no interest in having her feet worshipped but during sex she used to place them just in front of my face because she knew it excited me and wanted to please, it's something common I think, but I'm sure if I were having more interest in her feet than in her person as a whole than she would have been rightly pissed off (by the way I was very uncomfortable with her main kink but was not able to say no).

< Message edited by eulero83 -- 12/18/2013 5:36:18 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 38

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/18/2013 6:37:57 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

One thing that really bugs Me when threads like this come up is how quickly people want to encourage folks to try to turn their spouse into something they are not. For all of the talk that I hear about how kinky folks should be accepted for being exactly who they are, why are people so fast to try to push kink, or Dominance, or submission on somebody who might be perfectly content to be vanilla. Like it or not, vanilla folks have just as much of a right to *just* be vanilla as those of us who happen to have kinks that we express.

Seconded.

Telling your partner "These are my kinks and I need you to fulfill MY needs" is really presumptuous. Saying "These are my kinks. Now what are yours, and how do WE fulfill OUR needs" is much healthier.

Plus, as an engineer, I hate it when people try to implement solutions before they understand the true problem.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 39

RE: I desire Femdom but am married - 12/18/2013 9:46:15 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Sure, OP. Check things out. See if there really is some kink under there that *might* come to the surface if it's inspired by reading certain materials. At the same time, understand that she has the right to be exactly who she is if there isn't really some inner Domme inside.

[/color]

I do agree with this BUT I also think there's a huge amount of middle ground between her being totally kink-free and her having an inner Domme. ......... I think for most people there is a compromise to be found on this - she may not be domme by nature but may well be able to top him once a month to scratch that itch, and he would compromise by indulging her fantasy/not complaining about only being kinky once a month.

Athena pretty much said what I was thinking.

While I understand where you're coming from LadyPact, I think that many (most) people DO have a healthy compromise position that they would agree to if only given the chance.

My fundamental point in this conversation was for the OP to give his wife a chance before he cheats. IMO, cheating without at least talking to her is completely unfair. After giving his wife a chance, he MAY FIND that she's not the least bit interested. But he at least needs to give her that chance.

Also, I believe that your poly worldview makes you open to options that may not be available to people with a more monogamous world view. In a relationship where monogamy is the rule, then the options often come down to trying it with your partner or cheating. And when it's a decision between those two options, I'll always recommend trying it with your partner first.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 40

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