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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: I desire Femdom but am married (12/16/2013 2:52:51 AM)
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fr
Chris, I'm pretty close to you in age, so I'm guessing I'm pretty close to your wife too. I would be DEVASTATED if I thought that just two years into marriage, my husband had given up on me being able to make him happy sexually and gone elsewhere. Doubly so if he hadn't even talked to me and given me chance to work with him.
You love this woman, right? And she loves you? You must have something special since you decided you want to be together forever. You decided to make this person your number one priority, and you signed on to be a team and tackle life's challenges together. So do that.
Telling your partner you're submissive is going to be a tough conversation. Know what will be tougher? The conversation you have when she finds out that you are submissive AND have been going behind her back.
I'm submissive to my husband. Sexually, submission is my thing, it turns me on. But if he told me that he really felt he needed to be dommed or topped, I would do it for him in a heartbeat. It would never be my favourite activity, and it wouldn't be something I wanted to do every day, but I love him, my happiness depends on his happiness, so I would absolutely work with him to get his needs met. I would be heartbroken if he went elsewhere without even giving me that chance.
Tell her. Start small, ask her to handcuff you to the bed and be bossy. See how she likes it. Afterwards, praise all the great things she did and thank her, sincerely, for indulging you. Let her run the show and not just act out your script. Let her try the things she thinks might be OK, and avoid the ones that make her uncomfortable - even if what she chooses is a bit different that your fantasy. Ask how she felt - was there anything she liked about it? Was there anything you could do differently to make it better? Then - and this is the really, really important part - you act out her fantasy too. Show her that you're just as invested in her pleasure. Keep experimenting over time, being very, very patient and having great quality vanilla sex in between. Understand that your play sessions may be really short to begin with, or really mild, but that's ok - because you already love each other, and have your entire lives to try things out. It might be that she loves it. She might never love it, but you might have many happy years taking turns to dominate and getting your needs met. She might even agree to let you have a dom outside the marriage.
Whatever you do, don't let it go to your head and get greedy. Don't expect to go from zero to leather-clad-dominatrix in a month, don't expect every sex session to include your kinks, and don't expect it to be exactly like you saw in porn/in your head. I know that sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised how rational thought goes out of the window when people suddenly start getting the kink they spent a long time thinking about.
You have an advantage because at our age, she knows about kink. She may not have considered it for herself but it's not a new concept to her. There are lots of kink equipment and books aimed at women who are just starting out. It's no longer a bizarre or secret thing.
But at the very least, give her the chance to share this part of your life. You owe her that.
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