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Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 4:23:12 PM

Shininglight23

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Okay... so... if you've been reading the "I admits..." then you may be aware that I recently lost someone that was very dear to me. I'm here seeking some ideas on how to "move on"...

A little bit of background is...

A year and a half ago (+/-) I moved across the country to be with the man I loved. Fast forward one year, and one cancer diagnosis later... I moved out at his request. We still remained in contact... sweet moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life, but it essentially went from 100 to 0.

He recently passed away, and due to the family not liking our age difference.. I wasn't invited to his service. (A service he didn't even want by the way.)

I have recently been told that my attempt at living a "normal" life is all for nothing. It's barely more than I muster most of the time anyway....

"When you throw things up in the air... they never come back down in the same way." (I'm paraphrasing) I am in total agreement with this, but I don't know what my new normal is. I don't know how to grieve without being a mess ALL of the time.

I'm sure there are many people who have been through a similar situation. I'm asking for any advice you can give me. How did you function while still giving yourself time to grieve? Please help me grieve while moving on with my life.

Allie

(edited because I'm a terrible typist...)

< Message edited by Shininglight23 -- 12/20/2013 4:38:26 PM >

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 4:27:18 PM

Rule

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Perform your own leave taking of him ritual. It can be anywhere you want and have any form you want.

May the God of the dead reward him according to his merits, and may you have peace and a reborn life.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 5:24:56 PM

angelikaJ

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There simply is not a right way to grieve or a better way to grieve.
It takes time and there really isn't a way to rush through it.

Moving on will happen.

I recommend finding a grief support group.
They can be very helpful.

I am sorry for your losses: both the loss of the relationship and the man you love(d).

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 6:40:30 PM

playfulotter

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My condolences for your loss...I really think sometimes there really is nothing to say or do but let time heal your wounds...I hope the peace that comes from the memories of the love you both shared for each other comfort you now and in the days and months ahead.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 7:05:16 PM

DesFIP

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I'm not going to say that you have or haven't had enough time. Because for everyone, the time needed is different.

However, if you are stuck in the grief cycle, then I strongly urge you to see a grief therapist. If you call Hospice, they'll be able to help.

Although his family did not invite you to the service, you could visit his graveside and spend some time talking to him, bidding him farewell. Or make a tour of sites memorable to your relationship, revisiting the good memories.
You could write a goodbye letter and burn it after reading it aloud.

I wish you well.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 7:11:50 PM

Spiritedsub2

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I'm really sorry for your loss Allie.

What has helped me is the expression "chop wood carry water". To me that means turn my full attention to what needs doing in my day right now, and when that is completed turn my attention to the next necessary thing. I know that sounds fuzzy, but it describes a way of getting out of my head and away from ruminating about the loss; sort of a form of mindfulness meditation. I never try to pretend to myself about how I feel, I am strictly honest with myself, but outwardly I chop wood and carry water. It makes me feel better, in a lasting and healing sort of way.

I had a small bracelet engraved with the saying so I look at my wrist and it immediately reminds me to engage again in that process.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 8:39:47 PM

Shininglight23

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I should have mentioned previously that I did a "remembrance ceremony" of my own. It wasn't until the morning of (a few hours before actually) the funeral that I was informed of it happening. For that reason... I planned my own day to visit places that meant something to us... to remember him as he was... and not the shell of the man he was in the end.

Rule- Thank you for your kind words, and your suggestion.

angelika-It always amazes me how poignant and thoughtful your responses can be. Thank you for your condolences.

playfulotter- I'd also like to thank you for responding. It seems that "time" is the resounding option... Maybe I'm too impatient... I want things on my time line, and this can't be one of them. Thank you for your kind words.

DesFIP- The goodbye letter is a great idea! Thank you for your response and well wishes.

SpiritedSub- I love what you wrote. "Chop wood carry water" had a resounding effect on me. Thank you so much for that.

Allie

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 10:01:08 PM

DomKen

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Grief is a complicated thing. If you feel enough time has passed and you still can't get through it you might want to talk to a therapist. Grief can turn into clinical depression.

Other than that don't let other people's expectations bother you. You have to work through it for yourself. You loved him enough to pick up your life and move cross country so you are not going to be able to "move on" in a few days or weeks.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/20/2013 10:02:04 PM

MistressDarkArt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

I'm really sorry for your loss Allie.

What has helped me is the expression "chop wood carry water". To me that means turn my full attention to what needs doing in my day right now, and when that is completed turn my attention to the next necessary thing. I know that sounds fuzzy, but it describes a way of getting out of my head and away from ruminating about the loss; sort of a form of mindfulness meditation. I never try to pretend to myself about how I feel, I am strictly honest with myself, but outwardly I chop wood and carry water. It makes me feel better, in a lasting and healing sort of way.

That is an awesome way to address the issue, Spirited. Knowing Allie a little better now, she might just go for it. She's a "get 'er done" kinda girl!

Allie, I'm touched my words stayed with you. I'm sorry we didn't have enough time to talk further about specifics. DesFIP's Hospice recommendation is a good one; I'm glad she backed me up on that. The hospice counselor gave me that 'up in the air' advice, and without it I would have continued endlessly fighting myself to try to put stuff back where it used to be when it would never be possible.

Here is a link to Hospice in your city.

quote:

I had a small bracelet engraved with the saying so I look at my wrist and it immediately reminds me to engage again in that process.

Simply beautiful. What a great idea.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/24/2013 9:56:21 PM

Paladin9

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Everyone handles a close death differently and have to find their own way thru it.
In my case I kept busy and went to bed tired so sleep overcame my thoughts. Eventually the grief leaves and the memories stay and your life goes on. Time heals and the deeper the wound the longer the time.
You will find another if you want to and I am sure he would want you to.
Good luck

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Post #: 10

RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 3:04:46 AM

ShaharThorne

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My heart goes out to you. Mom just lost a friend on Friday and services were Monday. Plenty of family but very few friends. This was a woman who did 43 years of nursing. She will be missed.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 6:04:35 AM

JstAnotherSub

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Smile when you can, cry when you need to. Sit staring into space, smell a flower, punch a pillow.

In other words, do what you feel. There is no hurrying up of grief, and fighting it is futile. Just let it flow. This too shall pass eventually.

((((HUGS))))) So sorry for your loss.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 7:14:23 AM

needlesandpins

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I have found that my grief doesn't leave me, and I don't think I want it to. however, I have done a mix of things from the above to try and cope. primarily I was in my last relationship when I found out that the love of my life had suddenly died. it's a huge regret of mine that I said no to him when he asked me to marry him before I ended up with my ex, but I thought I was making the better long term choice. being in the relationship meant that I couldn't grieve the way I would have wanted to for him. I didn't get to go to his funeral either to say goodbye that way. I thought my grief would tear me apart if I didn't do something about it, so I did the "chop wood carry water" as much as I could. then in my private moments I wrote him a letter telling him everything that I wanted to say. his family had a bench put in his favourite place, so I took my letter there because I thought more connected to him there. I read my letter out loud to him, and then I burnt it letting the ashes scatter in the wind. ever since I have lit candles for him too.

I am not religious in any way other than pagan, but I do like to visit churches. if they have candles to light in there I always light one for him. he is a part of my rituals, and I celebrate his life at Samhain. He loved his BMX bike, and was very good on it. my son is also very good at trick riding, and I like to think that my friend would be pleased to see him ride. that gives me a smile too.

his loss still kills me inside. it really could swamp me, and tear me apart. it's ok though, because that reminds me of how very much I loved him, and still do. in a couple of months it will be 14yrs since he died, and his loss hurts no less than when I was first told. I have tears writing this, but it's ok. I don't mind them at all because I remember exactly why it hurts so much to be without him, and that makes me smile too.

I know it's not the way everyone would want it to be, but I don't want someone so special to me to diminish in any way where my feelings are concerned. others can't handle it like that.

you'll find your own way, and you have my condolences and support along the way.

needles

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 8:53:21 AM

SeekingTrinity

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Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I wish I had great words of wisdom that would magically make everything better. I'd say them in a heartbeat if I could. But of course there are no words. Allow yourself to grieve for him. If you feel it's right for you, grief counseling can be a wonderful thing. As the others have said, just let all of the feelings make their presence known so that you can hopefully put everything to rest in a healthy way. I think it's a great way to celebrate the life of someone near and dear.

I'm sad you had to experience losing someone, but I'm glad you had the chance to spend time with someone you cared for very much. Everything else was already said beautifully by the kind and thoughtful folks who have spoken before me.

I too wish you well

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 1:35:52 PM

DomDraven

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Many years ago I lost a woman that I was in a M/s relationship with when a drunk driver hit us...she didn't walk away from that accident, so I know how incredibly hard such a loss can be. Everybody grieves in their own way, and I think there have been some excellent suggestions given. In addition to some of the suggestions that have been made, one thing that I did which seemed to help me quite a bit was to continue the journal we had started together, just to get my thoughts and feelings out. I did that for quite a while, and even if you have never journaled before it is something to think about doing in order to express yourself and to get some of your feelings out and onto paper. I also found some people that had experienced a similar loss and did quite a bit of talking with them. It seemed to help me to make contact with others who could understand the pain I was going through. Kind of our own grief support group if you will.

It does just take time, and even though you want things to be on your own timeline this is such a traumatic event that you just have to take the time you need to grieve. My experience is that it is something that you never fully forget, or get over, but it does get easier in time. Once again I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you can just hang in there

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 3:27:25 PM

MariaB

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I’m so sorry for your loss Allie, I hear you. Like others here, I too have walked in your footsteps.

For you there was no embracing closure and Allie, you need to find closure but of course that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve. Grief goes on for a lifetime but it’s a process that gets easier. You will eventually learn to work through it and not reside 'in it'.

I agree with those who have advised seeking therapy. I would also suggest that there are some fantastic grieving forums on the web. Seek out the people you need and give your grief a voice.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 4:34:09 PM

Level

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Allie, I don't have any advice, but I am very sorry for your loss.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 4:53:09 PM

MistressDarkArt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I’m so sorry for your loss Allie, I hear you. Like others here, I too have walked in your footsteps.

For you there was no embracing closure and Allie, you need to find closure but of course that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve. Grief goes on for a lifetime but it’s a process that gets easier. You will eventually learn to work through it and not reside 'in it'.

I agree with those who have advised seeking therapy. I would also suggest that there are some fantastic grieving forums on the web. Seek out the people you need and give your grief a voice.

Maria, that was so helpful to me right now with my band-mates' situation. Thank you.

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/25/2013 5:01:55 PM

sexyred1

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Allie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar thing happen when I was 20. My long distance (I was in college, he was in NJ) boyfriend and first love was murdered in a robbery attempt. I never even found out till weeks later because he was from another country and his family took him to Greece to be buried and they never informed me.

There are no words to express except do it your own way, in your own time. Grief is something that is so individual, there is no one solution.

I found that playing "our songs" helped a lot.

Hugs.

P.S. About finding people to voice your grief to....I found and am currently finding that people don't always want to keep hearing about your stuff. So, it is best to try and find others who are experiencing the exact thing, since they may be more empathetic than fiends and family who are too close to you.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/25/2013 5:05:18 PM >

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RE: Good... Grief? - 12/26/2013 6:28:25 AM

LadyPact

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Allie, I really do kind of suck at these things, so if I stick My foot in My mouth, please forgive Me.

It seems to Me that you got the double whammy of grieving twice. First, you had to grieve the loss of the relationship due to the diagnosis. Then, you had to grieve the man when the illness took him. In a sense, you lost him twice. That's a pretty big burden for anyone. In that kind of time period? I wouldn't expect anyone to do that easily.

quote:

I have recently been told that my attempt at living a "normal" life is all for nothing. It's barely more than I muster most of the time anyway....

Is normal really obtainable while grieving? Sometimes, I think the best you can do is go through the motions when grief is really bad. Please try to cut yourself a break.

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