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scared of fantasy - 7/4/2006 9:30:58 AM   
MzS


Posts: 12
Joined: 4/21/2006
Status: offline 		Looking for some advice or suggestions. Please excuse my grammar and spelling errors.
A while ago friend of mine told me that he has enjoyed wearing diapers for a good 20 yrs now and has never experienced his fantasy. One of being spanked. I figured. Easy to do. Simple age play. some spanking ..cuddling all is good!
So we have been getting together..out for dinner than back to his place to enjoy some ab time..
He is 37…very shy., virgin and what I would call a natural submissive.. He isn’t experienced in bdsm at all ..His fantasy is the spanking and diaper wearing. (He now expresses desires for my flogger)
The problem I am experiencing is that he is very disgusted with his fantasy. He is embarrassed...when we are into the spanking he is very excited…
He told me he wasn’t into pain. But he is turning into a major pain slut.
But, then he gets all..”I am not sure I want this”…then next sentence he is crying begging me to spank him again..
I know he is ashamed and scared of his feelings..I try to reassure him…
I know he enjoys this very much and I think that’s the problem..he doesn’t want to enjoy it..I just told him that we will put away the diapers..the paddles and just enjoy each others company till he is ready..(something he suggests over and over again when he gets frightened)…he was very upset and begged for me NOT to put away the toys!
It’s getting that I am not sure what to do anymore.

Has anyone experienced this type of person? or has anyone experienced these themselves. Any suggestions how I can break thru…I am enjoying my time with him and am growing quite fond of him.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/4/2006 9:37:20 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzS

Looking for some advice or suggestions. Please excuse my grammar and spelling errors.
A while ago friend of mine told me that he has enjoyed wearing diapers for a good 20 yrs now and has never experienced his fantasy. One of being spanked. I figured. Easy to do. Simple age play. some spanking ..cuddling all is good!
So we have been getting together..out for dinner than back to his place to enjoy some ab time..
He is 37…very shy., virgin and what I would call a natural submissive.. He isn’t experienced in bdsm at all ..His fantasy is the spanking and diaper wearing. (He now expresses desires for my flogger)
The problem I am experiencing is that he is very disgusted with his fantasy. He is embarrassed...when we are into the spanking he is very excited…
He told me he wasn’t into pain. But he is turning into a major pain slut.
But, then he gets all..”I am not sure I want this”…then next sentence he is crying begging me to spank him again..


I know he is ashamed and scared of his feelings..I try to reassure him…
I know he enjoys this very much and I think that’s the problem..he doesn’t want to enjoy it..I just told him that we will put away the diapers..the paddles and just enjoy each others company till he is ready..(something he suggests over and over again when he gets frightened)…he was very upset and begged for me NOT to put away the toys!

Oh I love guys like this. It made my heart race just thinking about flogging him and him begging me to stop, knowing it really isn't what he wants lol oh wow, you lucky girl you!

It’s getting that I am not sure what to do anymore.

Sound like he wants you to reaffirm that it is something he really wants to do. He needs validation from you. He needs to know it is nothing to be ashamed of and that you enjoy doing it as much as he enjoys recieving it.

Has anyone experienced this type of person? or has anyone experienced these themselves. Any suggestions how I can break thru…I am enjoying my time with him and am growing quite fond of him.

Once he sees how turned on you are by doing this to him, he may relax and go towards the light lol sounds like you have a gem!


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(in reply to MzS)
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RE: scared of fantasy - 7/4/2006 9:38:20 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzS
Has anyone experienced this type of person? or has anyone experienced these themselves. Any suggestions how I can break thru…I am enjoying my time with him and am growing quite fond of him.

Yes I've met these types, and eventually let them go.

I'm somewhat patient and very good at working through nervousness, tension and discomfort.  I'm a very flexible play partner and get my kink on by knowing the other person is being taken to a happy fulfilled place, feeling connected, more than whatever kinky thing we happen to be doing.

Unfortunately, for some people the feeling forced/guilt is PART of their kink, they need it every time to be able to let go at all and get caught in the cycle.  The one's I've met like this simply drained me and I have no desire to be someone's tugboat every single scene, or everytime I want them to do something simple that they claim to want and enjoy for themsleves!

Luckily, they have found other partners who are willing and able to put the energy and time and focus that their kink requires.  But it's not for me.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MzS)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/4/2006 9:39:40 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzS

Looking for some advice or suggestions. Please excuse my grammar and spelling errors.
A while ago friend of mine told me that he has enjoyed wearing diapers for a good 20 yrs now and has never experienced his fantasy. One of being spanked. I figured. Easy to do. Simple age play. some spanking ..cuddling all is good!
So we have been getting together..out for dinner than back to his place to enjoy some ab time..
He is 37…very shy., virgin and what I would call a natural submissive.. He isn’t experienced in bdsm at all ..His fantasy is the spanking and diaper wearing. (He now expresses desires for my flogger)
The problem I am experiencing is that he is very disgusted with his fantasy. He is embarrassed...when we are into the spanking he is very excited…
He told me he wasn’t into pain. But he is turning into a major pain slut.
But, then he gets all..”I am not sure I want this”…then next sentence he is crying begging me to spank him again..
I know he is ashamed and scared of his feelings..I try to reassure him…
I know he enjoys this very much and I think that’s the problem..he doesn’t want to enjoy it..I just told him that we will put away the diapers..the paddles and just enjoy each others company till he is ready..(something he suggests over and over again when he gets frightened)…he was very upset and begged for me NOT to put away the toys!
It’s getting that I am not sure what to do anymore.

Has anyone experienced this type of person? or has anyone experienced these themselves. Any suggestions how I can break thru…I am enjoying my time with him and am growing quite fond of him.


1. Having a diaper paraphilia is going to raise all sorts of unpleasant issues, it's probably the least understood, and most rejected  kink of all. Keep in mind that they often represent comfort, acceptance, and security to the fetishist. Putting them away may not serve your interests-it will pull the rug out from under him.

As far as the rest-he's probably suffering the standard new sub conflicts with his vanilla conditioning...I am always very patient with new people-and tell them to just beg when they desire something- and I'll decide if I feel that they are ready for it.

Pushing a newbie is seldom a good idea,and my own ego has to be reined back, to allow them the comfort to trust me.

(in reply to MzS)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/4/2006 10:15:17 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		It's called an "approach/avoidance complex."  If you keep a calm demeanor and keep playing with him, he may get over it.  Of course, if he doesn't and it continues to bother you, you can show him the door with a suggestion to find someone who enjoys sorting through another's baggage.

It often takes a bit of time to distinguish between "I shouldn't like this" and "Society tells me I shouldn't like this."

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 7/4/2006 10:18:33 AM >

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www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to MzS)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 6:56:55 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It sounds like more the afraid of pain for pleasure or the giving into the submission to your Dominance and feels the flight of the fright.

and its not being scared of the fantasy, you both are living in reality
when experiancing the three kinks. You said he has worn the diapers for over 20 years so I dont think this is the issue he has problems with. Either its the spanking and enjoying the pain or the submission in its self to You. And keep in mind after playing with a kink for 20 years alone bringing another into the play is in itself scarry. JMO

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 7:06:15 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Get him a copy of (I know, I sound like a broken record) The Bottoming Book.  It talks of these issues and may help him.  If you do grow tired of this, make sure that when you part, he knows that it isn't due to the kink, it is only his lack of acceptance of it.  It will make the next partner's life much easier.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 7:28:13 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDREAD

It sounds like more the afraid of pain for pleasure or the giving into the submission to your Dominance and feels the flight of the fright.

and its not being scared of the fantasy, you both are living in reality
when experiancing the three kinks. You said he has worn the diapers for over 20 years so I dont think this is the issue he has problems with. Either its the spanking and enjoying the pain or the submission in its self to You. And keep in mind after playing with a kink for 20 years alone bringing another into the play is in itself scarry. JMO


I agree, after 20 years of hiding his fetish,he will probably have some big trust issues with being accepted with it.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 7:34:10 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
Try something different.

It is obviously time for a change.



(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 7:34:38 PM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzS

<snip of original post>
But, then he gets all..”I am not sure I want this”…then next sentence he is crying begging me to spank him again..

Oh I love guys like this. It made my heart race just thinking about flogging him and him begging me to stop, knowing it really isn't what he wants lol oh wow, you lucky girl you!

It’s getting that I am not sure what to do anymore.

Sound like he wants you to reaffirm that it is something he really wants to do. He needs validation from you. He needs to know it is nothing to be ashamed of and that you enjoy doing it as much as he enjoys recieving it.

Has anyone experienced this type of person? or has anyone experienced these themselves. Any suggestions how I can break thru…I am enjoying my time with him and am growing quite fond of him.

Once he sees how turned on you are by doing this to him, he may relax and go towards the light lol sounds like you have a gem!




I love this wise and tolerant advise from MoGa. Assuming of course that you *are* turned on by doing it. And if you are, his ambivalence will soon go away, when he realizes that you are doing stuff for YOU, not him.

Smythe



_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 7:37:31 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		General Reply to the OP:

I really really dont mean this offensively and I dont know the guy, so I could be wrong of course. But have you considered that you're being manipulated somehow?  I can't quite put my finger on it, but thats the sense I get from what you said.  Like he is trying to effect some type of reaction from you and he's simply not getting it, hence the up and down stuff.  As if he is trying different angles at different times, until he gets a satisfactory response from you. Again...this is just a thought to examine.  I could be way off base.

(in reply to Caretakr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:05:38 PM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline 		You bring up an excellant point marieToo.  I am not saying that this is the case but it is definately worth thinking about.  What jumps out at me is the fact that this guy has been wearing diapers for 20 plus years now.  He has played out the scene in many different ways in his own mind.  It could be that by introducing someone into his fantasy, it is not playing out the way he has played it out in his mind.  Being shy would prevent him from vocalizing specifically what is missing....just a thought.

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:12:10 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes

You bring up an excellant point marieToo.  I am not saying that this is the case but it is definately worth thinking about.  What jumps out at me is the fact that this guy has been wearing diapers for 20 plus years now.  He has played out the scene in many different ways in his own mind.  It could be that by introducing someone into his fantasy, it is not playing out the way he has played it out in his mind.  Being shy would prevent him from vocalizing specifically what is missing....just a thought.


You'll get exactly the same sort of reactance from almost any fetish or paraphilia that doesn't supoprt the fantasy that's been  nurtured.

Such as the "slave", who is in love with the thought of the strict and brutal master. If the role is not being played to her satisfaction,she will fight tooth and nail to try and provoke the expected response-failing to get that, she'll walk.

But first, the fantasy has to be expressed,and this guy seems reluctant to trust to that level.

(in reply to champagnewishes)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:12:33 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		No one thinks there is anything psychologically wrong with a 37 year old male virgin who wants to wear diapers? I think he needs therapy not play...sorry but that's my honest opinion.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to champagnewishes)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:15:26 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		Do you think anything might be wrong with a woman who wants to play a slave? Is therapy in order for this socially unnaceptable abberation?

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:17:04 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		No

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:20:42 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

No one thinks there is anything psychologically wrong with a 37 year old male virgin who wants to wear diapers? I think he needs therapy not play...sorry but that's my honest opinion.


I dont think he needs therapy because of the diaper thing.  It's not my thing, but I could see how some submissives might enjoy that from an angle of humiliation or age play or something.  I dont think someone who wants to wear diapers is in need of therapy any more than someone who wants to be whipped, wear pony gear, stand in a corner, lick feet, pretend theyre a puppy or whatever else people engage in.  .

As far as the virgin thing....I dont know.  Maybe he has a fear of intimacy or something.  Maybe that is something that could be examined by a shrink. Without knowing his reasons for being a virgin, its hard to say.  

(in reply to slavejali)
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RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:21:03 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

No


It would be interesting to se what a shrink would think, if he had both of you for clients.

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RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:23:10 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

No one thinks there is anything psychologically wrong with a 37 year old male virgin who wants to wear diapers? I think he needs therapy not play...sorry but that's my honest opinion.


I dont think he needs therapy because of the diaper thing.  It's not my thing, but I could see how some submissives might enjoy that from an angle of humiliation or age play or something.  I dont think someone who wants to wear diapers is in need of therapy any more than someone who wants to be whipped, wear pony gear, stand in a corner, lick feet, pretend theyre a puppy or whatever else people engage in.  .

As far as the virgin thing....I dont know.  Maybe he has a fear of intimacy or something.  Maybe that is something that could be examined by a shrink. Without knowing his reasons for being a virgin, its hard to say.  


He's probably still a virgin because of the diaper fetish-if it's that linked to his sexuality-it probably barred him from seeking sexual inimacy all that time.

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: scared of fantasy - 7/5/2006 8:26:37 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
quote:

I dont think he needs therapy because of the diaper thing. 

It's not just the diaper thing. Putting the whole scenario together, 37 years old, still a virgin, wanting to wear diapers, yet feeling digusted, not being able to process his feelings appropriately, emotionally immature..and thats just what we know about.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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