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When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 1:37:22 PM   
CollaredProperty


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline 		I have recently had a serious issue with my Master and I have not responded to his calls, or text messages. He's gone from blaming me, to apologizing, and now I believe what has transpired was abuse and not part of the lifestyle. He became very angry out of jealousy, and during an argument in anger he hit me, to the point that I required medical attention, am I being harsh on him, or correct in reading this as abuse? I am new to the lifestyle he is my only master...
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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 1:39:19 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		Abuse is abuse, no matter what someone calls them self or what you call them.

I would run.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 1:42:59 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		Without a doubt, based on what you have shared, this sounds like abuse. Being struck in anger...real anger ....that's NOT bdsm. That's just getting hit.

Get out now.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 1:43:57 PM   
MsMJAY


Posts: 515
Joined: 3/17/2013
Status: offline 		Hitting you in anger out of jealousy is abuse.
Any hitting you have not consented to is abuse.

You need to protect yourself and stay away from him. If he doesn't go away, you should report him to the authorities.


quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty

I have recently had a serious issue with my Master and I have not responded to his calls, or text messages. He's gone from blaming me, to apologizing, and now I believe what has transpired was abuse and not part of the lifestyle. He became very angry out of jealousy, and during an argument in anger he hit me, to the point that I required medical attention, am I being harsh on him, or correct in reading this as abuse? I am new to the lifestyle he is my only master...


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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 1:50:55 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		I absolutely agree with everyone. This is abuse. In case you need more information or help, here is a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 1:55:54 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		Another vote for abuse. All the posts on here, however, are opinions. How do YOU feel? Given the fact you have cut off communications, I'd say you feel the same way.

Please remember the first time someone strikes you in anger, you are a victim. The second time, you are a volunteer.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 2:01:04 PM   
CollaredProperty


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hlen5- to answer your question, I'm angry, disappointed in him, and I don't want to see him again. It doesn't help that he threatened to kill me, and said that I deserved it. He keeps telling me it's a small issue and reiterates the physical activities i have consented to, and how he's confused about this being different. But I appreciate all of everyone's feedback. It feels like the right thing to do to disconnect.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 2:01:11 PM   
Blonderfluff


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From: Down the Shore
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

Another vote for abuse. All the posts on here, however, are opinions. How do YOU feel? Given the fact you have cut off communications, I'd say you feel the same way.

Please remember the first time someone strikes you in anger, you are a victim. The second time, you are a volunteer.

^^^^THAT is excellent. I'm keeping that in my notebook.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 2:04:57 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty
He became very angry out of jealousy, and during an argument in anger he hit me, to the point that I required medical attention, am I being harsh on him, or correct in reading this as abuse?

I would call this abuse. But ask yourself this, if your best friend asked you this same question, what would you tell her??

NBMG

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 2:51:00 PM   
anniezz338


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty
It doesn't help that he threatened to kill me, and said that I deserved it. He keeps telling me it's a small issue and reiterates the physical activities i have consented to, and how he's confused about this being different.

Him threatening to kill you and it's your fault is textbook abuse. And him playing dumb about what is the difference between consentual D/s and abuse is a huge red flag. And I would give the medical bills to the sorry asshole.

Get out fast and look at this as a lesson learned. Good luck to you.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 3:09:01 PM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty

Hlen5- to answer your question, I'm angry, disappointed in him, and I don't want to see him again. It doesn't help that he threatened to kill me, and said that I deserved it. He keeps telling me it's a small issue and reiterates the physical activities i have consented to, and how he's confused about this being different. But I appreciate all of everyone's feedback. It feels like the right thing to do to disconnect.


He is confused about this being different? So... abuse would be justified and placed right in your little corner because you allowed him to do things and then went red on him. How typical of the those that belittle your feelings and claim any defense or justification. Confused little boys need strong lessons and there is no better way to teach them that, than to not engage... not try to understand... not try to point out how he hurt you or anything else. The more you engage, the more it enforces that he still might have a chance to talk his way out of it or to confuse you.

With a guy like this, at the breaking up point, they belittle how you feel and try to manipulate. If it doesn't work, they can become more dangerous at this point. Do not be afraid that consensual acts might make people think this is a game that can often be played between domestic abuse partners. Just like rape within a relationship. You consented to sex... but this one time you didn't. That still doesn't mean you weren't raped. Keep that in mind. He hit you in anger to the point of injury, lost control OR tried to manipulate you to control you through fear, anger and pain. Just because you might enjoy some aspect of these things, doesn't mean you will enjoy others. You have a right and an obligation to yourself to protect yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally whether that protection is needed in his mind or not.

I would be watching my back... covering my ass and would be taking legal action, because if they don't respect your feelings on it, justify it and all that back and forth about it... they won't respect or comply with anything else but a stronger position than how you feel. It isn't easy... think of those that first stood against domestic abuse when there was little that could be used against a husband or wife that abused. They had to stand up and force people to see that what happened in a family wasn't all fair because it was commonplace or someone had a right for whatever reasons. This could be one of the hardest things you do, but you need to send a strong message. Make sure he gets it.

Most want to walk away from the chaos and drama... just go away and leave it alone. This is totally understandable, but not always effective. Only you can make that call... but whatever you do, stop taking his.

Good luck to you.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 12/23/2013 3:11:21 PM >

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 3:32:41 PM   
MissKittyDeVine


Posts: 1054
Joined: 9/24/2011
Status: offline 		He has no business calling himself a Master if he cannot control himself. Unfortunately there are those who use the lifestyle as a cover for abusive behaviour.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 4:02:19 PM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty

Hlen5- to answer your question, I'm angry, disappointed in him, and I don't want to see him again. It doesn't help that he threatened to kill me, and said that I deserved it. He keeps telling me it's a small issue and reiterates the physical activities i have consented to, and how he's confused about this being different. But I appreciate all of everyone's feedback. It feels like the right thing to do to disconnect.

did you consent to death? Ignore him move on...there are good men out there.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 4:32:26 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		OP - if you were in a vanilla relationship, would you think this was ok?

This question-as-an-answer was posted on here a long time ago by someone, and I haven't ever forgotten it. What we do is a vanilla relationship, with a bit extra, so if someone is doing something that you wouldn't accept in a vanilla relationship, don't accept it in a bdsm relationship.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 4:36:56 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Suppose that I wrote that it wasn't abuse, and if you agreed to be his collared property you should go back to him and be a good girl. Would you?

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 5:30:43 PM   
shadowborn61


Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline 		The one time i hit my wife it was abuse and i told her it was her fault that she provoked me and all the other BS...... IT WAS ABUSE no if ands or buts it was abuse.
Thankfully i got help and learned to control my anger instead of letting it go.
The most amazing thing is that she forgave me at all. She didn't have to and i would not have blamed her for turning her back on me and walking away but she is a better person than i am and i am blessed to still have her as my wife.
That was thirteen years ago and to this day i have not hit her nor will i ever do so again.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 5:36:53 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty
It doesn't help that he threatened to kill me, and said that I deserved it. He keeps telling me it's a small issue and reiterates the physical activities i have consented to, and how he's confused about this being different.

Him threatening to kill you and it's your fault is textbook abuse. And him playing dumb about what is the difference between consentual D/s and abuse is a huge red flag. And I would give the medical bills to the sorry asshole.

Get out fast and look at this as a lesson learned. Good luck to you.


Another vote for abuse and the above is especially concerning. I wouldn't ever feel safe around this man again.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 5:39:18 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Suppose that I wrote that it wasn't abuse, and if you agreed to be his collared property you should go back to him and be a good girl. Would you?

Hoping the OP will answer her own question, by answering this.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 5:41:02 PM   
kalikshama


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Status: offline 		ps - I'd bet that he's just apologizing due to "Fear of Loss" and that his first reactions, to blame and minimize, represent his true feelings.

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RE: When is it abuse? - 12/23/2013 6:49:25 PM   
CollaredProperty


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/3/2006
Status: offline 		RedMagic1-- if you said go back, I would say I can't I absolutely don't trust being vulnerable to him again. I'm scared he will hurt me again, I'm incredibly disappointed and broken hearted because he was my air, and I just can't believe he would hurt me-- like this.

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