How to initiate training (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

Aveld -> How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:16:13 AM)

Hi, so after dating an ex of mine who was extremely submissive I became interested in starting a M/s relationship. I generally am looking for a really submissive girlfriend/future wife with very traditional gender roles. I think this is 1950s Lifestyle?

Anyways, more to my question. I recently started dating this woman and she canceled a date on me and was quiet about why. We have a rescheduled one Fridau and last night when she was drunk during NYE share told me over text that the reason she canceled is because she told her ex about our date and he forbid it. That he has a power over her she doesn't understand, that she wants to get away from him but every time he calls for a booty call she cannot resist. She likes him because he doesn't make her happy, and just texts her all the time to tell her he is fucking other women. Now, maybe because this scene was so fresh on my brain I came up with the idea that I could help her out and get what I want by getting we to submit control of herself to me since she cannot control herself. I would then train her, with her blessing, and eventually relinquish control of her life back to her when she was functional.

Is this far fetched? Is it a bad idea? How would I begin, what resources could I use/read?



DarkSteven -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:31:10 AM)

First off, welcome to the site.

Let's count red flags.

1. Canceled date, no explanation.
2. She got drunk over NYE. Either alone or with a bunch of friends that didn't include you.
3. Some ex means more to her than you did. What makes him an "ex", anyway?
4. She will do anything that a cheater tells her.

So, your proposition is to subject her to some kind of training that will cure her. First off, her "ex" will never permit it. Second, the kind of training you're talking about will be very difficult to achieve and will likely involve keeping her away from all outside influences. And you have no experience.

There are other women out there who are not messed up.



IknowwhoIam -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:41:17 AM)

Yup, agree with DarkSteven! Not worth the time or effort. She is still hung up on the "ex" and is glutton for his punishment. Do yourself a favor and find someone else.



Aveld -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:44:41 AM)

True enough

I'll explain your bullet points from my point of view, but your end advice won't change and will be my most prudent course of action.

1) The explanation was quite simply "I just cannot tonight, something happened today and I cannot believe how vulnerable I am." this was the week before last.
2) With friends, I was out of town.
3) He wanted her to sleep with other men and he would watch, she didn't want to. She also doesn't want to be with someone sleeping with other women. So monogy I suppose.
4) Seems like it, but she doesn't want to.

Seeing as how I am new I am also weak on the terminology. By training what I meant was basically teaching her to obey someone who can deny her his calling. You are right though that this would almost certainly be too difficult especially inexperienced. My assumption was that I could piggy back off what he has done to her. Do the same things he has done except the ones she doesn't enjoy and try to create a preferable environment in addition to the obedience training.



Killerangel -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:47:16 AM)

Has she said she wants you to do this? She says she wants to get away from the ex, but someone who gives in to that ex every single time isn't trying hard to get away- sounds like she's giving you an excuse.

I'm not sure why you'd be interested in someone that clearly prefers someone else over you, and also she's taking that man's commands over your own. How does this seem promising to you? In order to have her obey you, you'd have to set up a situation with some overriding constraint in order to control her behavior. I think if she wanted you in her life, she'd be able to control herself without the externals. Do you really want someone that has to be forced to be with you?



searching4mysir -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:49:22 AM)

FR

Fucking crazy isn't worth the headache/heartache. She isn't yours and she doesn't want to be. Her actions speak volumes.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:50:16 AM)

I can see your logic in this, but yes, it is far fetched.

She is an adult woman. She makes her own decisions. It sounds like if she is so hung up on this ex that she can't resist his booty calls, she's not ready to move on. Only she can make that choice, and do the necessary to make it stick. She's not there yet.

You can't fix her. At best she'll agree to this, and then be unable to resist her ex again, causing a lot of drama and heartache for everyone involved. At worst, you'll gain a stalker (because let's face it, he sounds like he thinks he owns her and isn't likely to just leave), she'll have even more issues from another controlling relationship, you'll come out of it bruised and broken and everyone will be unhappy.

She's telling you that she's still making this man a priority. If you were looking for a fuck-buddy and could live with him ranking higher than you, I'd say go for it. Otherwise, no.

You can't fix people. Even if you were a therapist, you could only help if she was committed to getting better. And no therapist would blur the boundaries between personal and professional relationships. Amateur mental health work is never a good idea.

If this woman really does have issues with controlling relationships, she's not mentally healthy enough to consent to another one. Despite your noble intentions, you'd be effectively taking advantage of her impaired judgment and emotional state. That's a really, really bad idea. The fact that all this drama has spilled out so early in the relationship is also a big red flag.

Add to this you don't even have experience in a M/s relationship. I guarantee even a great one won't be quite what you're imagining. Starting a power exchange with anyone should be done slowly and with a great deal of negotiation and care. You don't start out with M/s and wean them off it - you start out as a vanilla date and build up to M/s. Even if she was in a great place emotionally, jumping in at the deep end is asking for trouble. I did that. Learn from my mistake. It was chaos.

If you genuinely want to help this woman, just be her friend and nothing more. Listen to her woes, but don't feed in to the drama. Encourage her to spend some time single getting over this last dude.

If what you want is a ready made submissive, find a woman who has her shit together and who actually wants to submit. It's worth it, I promise.

I see why you are considering this. I honestly do. But take some time to think about it, leaving any sexual desires out of it. Realistically, you can't solve all this woman's problems and you shouldn't be trying. Of course a Master can be a wonderful source of support to a sub who has some issues to work on (and vice versa - we all have our issues) BUT starting a power exchange relationship with the hope of teaching her to run her own life is like strapping someone to the bed and expecting they will learn to walk.



Aveld -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:57:13 AM)

All true, thank you all.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:57:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aveld

True enough

I'll explain your bullet points from my point of view, but your end advice won't change and will be my most prudent course of action.

1) The explanation was quite simply "I just cannot tonight, something happened today and I cannot believe how vulnerable I am." this was the week before last.
2) With friends, I was out of town.
3) He wanted her to sleep with other men and he would watch, she didn't want to. She also doesn't want to be with someone sleeping with other women. So monogy I suppose.
4) Seems like it, but she doesn't want to.

Seeing as how I am new I am also weak on the terminology. By training what I meant was basically teaching her to obey someone who can deny her his calling. You are right though that this would almost certainly be too difficult especially inexperienced. My assumption was that I could piggy back off what he has done to her. Do the same things he has done except the ones she doesn't enjoy and try to create a preferable environment in addition to the obedience training.


Do you really want to piggy back off what was clearly an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. If I am being kind to this woman and not just assuming she loves the drama (which the OMG IM SO VULNERABLE text would make me assume) then my next guess is some sort of abusive situation. Not good.

In consensual D/s, it actually takes willpower to submit. It isn't always easy and fun to follow someone's orders - you have to really try, and you have to want to follow that person. She needs to spend some time working on her own inner strength and willpower before she will be able to submit to you. Until she has that time to herself, outside of any sort of domination, she won't be able to submit to you because she either wants to submit to him, or she has been forced to do so and hasn't broken through. So your only option would be to bully her into submission. I don't get the impression you're that kind of guy, so I think what would likely happen is that she would pretend to go along with it, continue to see the ex, and everyone would end up feeling betrayed.



Apocalypso -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 8:59:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aveld
the reason she canceled is because she told her ex about our date and he forbid it.

No. Just no. Run and don't look back.



RedMagic1 -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 9:06:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aveld
the reason she canceled is because she told her ex about our date and he forbid it. That he has a power over her she doesn't understand, that she wants to get away from him but every time he calls for a booty call she cannot resist. She likes him because he doesn't make her happy, and just texts her all the time to tell her he is fucking other women.

Here's my question. Why is your self-esteem so far down the toilet? I don't understand why you didn't block her number the moment you heard this.

You have a nice smile, you spell correctly when you type, and you're able to carry on a conversation. She can't be the only kinky pussy within 100 miles of you.



Aveld -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 9:11:32 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
Here's my question. Why is your self-esteem so far down the toilet? I don't understand why you didn't block her number the moment you heard this.

You have a nice smile, you spell correctly when you type, and you're able to carry on a conversation. She can't be the only kinky pussy within 100 miles of you.


The answer to that one is very simple. I have literally zero luck transitioning from dating to a relationship. Words like friends and considerate and nice are always thrown around. The longer this happens the more appealing scenarios like this happen and let's just say it has been way too long. I am taking your guys advice though, outside perspective is always good.



RedMagic1 -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 9:17:55 AM)

Sorry to hear it man. But still, the less time you waste on time wasters, the more time you'll have to date women who are sane.



DarkSteven -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 9:33:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

If you genuinely want to help this woman, just be her friend and nothing more. Listen to her woes, but don't feed in to the drama. Encourage her to spend some time single getting over this last dude.



I agree with everything else my girlfriend Athena wrote. But not this. She'll go screw up her life and then come sobbing on your shoulder. Every time. Frustrating as hell.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 9:42:15 AM)

Re-read everything Athena said until you are absolutely positive you understand what a bad choice this woman is. Then spend some time figuring out why you have trouble going from friendship to relationship. While you're doing that, there's tons to learn about the D/s or M/s dynamic.

You are located in CA, where there are many groups where you can get some real experience and meet like minded people.

Also, you mention something in your profile about coming on too strong. That smacks of desperation on your part, which is never attractive, except to those as needy as you appear to be. Work on that.

The number one thing woman want in relationships is confidence and security. Be that guy, and you will be able to take your pick of willing subs who don't come with high drama and bad relationship baggage.




Apocalypso -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 9:57:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aveld
The answer to that one is very simple. I have literally zero luck transitioning from dating to a relationship. Words like friends and considerate and nice are always thrown around. The longer this happens the more appealing scenarios like this happen and let's just say it has been way too long. I am taking your guys advice though, outside perspective is always good.

That sucks and I sympathise, but this really isn't the solution. The solution, difficult though it is, is to work on your approach to other women.

If you've already got this issue, getting with someone like this lass would just aggravate it in the long term.



Aveld -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 10:00:48 AM)

I have already offered to be someone she can talk to about this and said we cannot be a couple. I am definitely listening to all of the advice here.



DarkSteven -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 10:30:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aveld

I have literally zero luck transitioning from dating to a relationship. Words like friends and considerate and nice are always thrown around. The longer this happens the more appealing scenarios like this happen and let's just say it has been way too long. I am taking your guys advice though, outside perspective is always good.


Ya know something? If you started to attend play parties, you'd be able to begin relationships as friends-with-spanking. That's what I did with Tasha. We met at a party and chatted, I spanked her, and I got her username and we kept in touch and started dating.



Blonderfluff -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 10:34:24 AM)

You seem like a nice guy. Don't settle for someone entrenched in Drama with a capital D.



Aveld -> RE: How to initiate training (1/1/2014 11:29:11 AM)

I have to say, this is a very nice set of responses from this community. I am not sure what I was expecting, but I am glad I posted even if it did end up being such an obvious no brainer. I know I have a lot to learn, and I have been doing just that. I'll have to look into one of these play meet ups, I guess I just assumed since my likes are so under developed I would feel out of place, but this set of responses has changed my mind about that. I am a very introspective person and will be doing just they on my gut instincts here today to better understand myself.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625