Power Exchange (How is it done?)

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Power Exchange (How is it done?)

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Power Exchange (How is it done?)

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 9:19:35 AM

tooomuch

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/16/2013
Status: offline

I am a lifelong slave having come to know myself as a slave nearly 30 years ago. Power exchange is the core of what I understand ownership to be.

Having said that, I sustained debilitating damage by two consecutive owners, the last one five years ago, and am just now emerging from the cocoon I entered to heal. I have found a new Master however I am not quite the caterpillar that entered the cocoon, and he is only emerging in his own path. The confluence of our two journeys is very conducive, with me painfully tentative and him emerging himself.

The core of his passion is worship, something I am imminently familiar with and fed by. However as we have traversed it has become apparent that his knowledge of a power exchange is only academic. This has left me feeling at times unowned, and rudderless. While there are many areas of the D/s dynamic I have extensive knowledge of, explaining and mentoring the capacity to enter into a power exchange with myself is not one of them.

We are seeking knowledge, direction and any research that would help him to understand the dynamic of a power exchange better and become empowered to take that from me.

Your help is greatly valued.

< Message edited by tooomuch -- 1/2/2014 9:31:48 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 10:27:22 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

Hi, and welcome to the Forums!
If I were in your shoes, I, too would feel apprehensive surrendering my power to someone who isn't quite sure what to do with it. That must be very frightening at times.

I would suggest for him to go to some munches and discussions regarding responsibility and safety. An experienced Mentor would be helpful as well.

You say you have many, many years of experience. Why don't you have a very open discussion with him about what you need to be able to depend on him to do?? I don't know what your submissive needs are. Yours are very likely different than mine. Tell him what makes you feel safe. Cared for. Ask him what He loves about being the Dominant partner. Praise that. Encourage him.

But. Do NOT put yourself in harms way, if your inner voice is telling you he needs more time to learn how to be " all that he can be".

Best of luck on the journey !!

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 2

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 10:40:19 AM

tooomuch

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/16/2013
Status: offline

Dear Blonderfluff,
Thank you for your suggestion. In my OP I mentioned that I had been damaged to a debilitating state by two previous owners so giving away power is something I am entirely ambivalent about. Indeed, perhaps part of the reason I feel as though I can take these very tentative steps toward this particular Master is because he does not take power. That is the push of it, the pull of it, sadly, is that it is exactly the power exchange that creates arousal in someone like me.

He too has asked me to write a list of what my needs, wants and desires are. These have historically been completely defined by my Owner. However, I am working on it. I have transformed a bit from my time in the cocoon and see the need for such an awareness on my part, though it feels entirely unnatural to do so.

Your questions, "what you need to be able to depend on him to do" is a great starter in that thought process. Thank you.

Specifically though, what we are wondering is, how does one create a power exchange? What does it take to effect that?

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 3

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 11:15:00 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

What does it take to effect a power exchange? This is an excellent question and has definite answers.

It takes someone wiling to wield the power (dom)

It takes someone willing to cede the power (sub)

It takes enough personal chemistry between the two so that the sub feels inspired to submit, and the dom feels compelled to dominate

It takes good enough communication skills to be able to discuss mutual wants and needs and how you *both* see the relationship as progressing.

For maximum enjoyment, it takes two emotionally mature adults

I suggest your potential master join some local groups and meet people who can help mentor him. From your profile I suspect you're close to Chicago, there are numerous groups there.

There is absolutely no reason in the world he can't learn from you. I would say a huge majority of those I'd classify as a 'good' dominant had at least one most excellent experienced sub that guided them along the way.

You said this:

quote:

He too has asked me to write a list of what my needs, wants and desires are. These have historically been completely defined by my Owner. However, I am working on it. I have transformed a bit from my time in the cocoon and see the need for such an awareness on my part, though it feels entirely unnatural to do so.

Please tell me you know how fucked up this is. Allowing anyone to 'completely define your needs, wants and desires' -- means abdicating your self as a person. I understand you self identify as a slave, that's all well and good, but if you can't function as a viable adult, you have no business being in a relationship.

In my strong mind, being a slave doesn't mean having LESS of an idea of your needs, wants, and desires, it means having more. Please tell me you understand this statement.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 1/2/2014 11:19:25 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 4

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 11:35:02 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm going to add my two penn'orth to these excellent posts already.

When I met Master I didn't want a power exchange at all. But over time, I realised he was better at making some decisions than I was, and that he enjoyed having that control.

He didn't 'take' control, I gradually gave it to him. It took over 2 years to get to where we are now, and there is still more to give. I'm very cautious, and I made damn sure he could manage all he had before offering him more.

It began very safely - when we went out, he decided where we went. He had final say over my choice of food on the menu. He started to tell me what clothes he would like to see me wear. Nothing too much, and no great drama if things went a bit wrong.

He controls a lot more than that now, but again it's not more than I'm comfortable giving him. I know him, and I know I can trust him.

In the next year he'll be in charge of our house together. He'll manage the finances and I'll manage the house. We have discussed this at great length, and there are more discussions to be had so that we're both totally clear on what is what.

Talk to your partner and decide what you're prepared to give and what he's prepared to accept from you. Baby steps, all the way.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 5

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 11:58:24 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tooomuch

He too has asked me to write a list of what my needs, wants and desires are. These have historically been completely defined by my Owner. However, I am working on it. I have transformed a bit from my time in the cocoon and see the need for such an awareness on my part, though it feels entirely unnatural to do so.

I can't answer the rest but I do have a thought about this.

Remind yourself that what pleases him is for you to figure out your needs and wants. It's not any less submissive to have opinions. If he wants you to have needs, wants and desires (as I imagine most partners would, since all healthy human beings have thoughts of their own) then you are serving him by thinking about this and letting him know.

You need to do some mental gymnastics, forget about how D/s or M/s 'should' be, and remind yourself that submission comes from doing the will of another, not going through the motions of what makes you feel submissive. If your Master wants it, then you submit by doing it.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 6

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 12:45:25 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It sounds like you aren't willing to submit to him and let him set the time table or figure out for himself what he does and doesn't want to control. Instead, although you bad mouth your last two partners, you still want someone like them.

His style is different from theirs, accept it and stop trying to turn him into a service top.

Start submitting. Ask him what cereal to buy and then eat that without complaining. Ask if he wants to pick your clothes or not, stop putting him down if he's uninterested in micromanagement.
The more you submit, the more comfortable he'll feel with having authority over you.

The more you tell him he isn't doing it right, the less he'll want such a relationship with you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 7

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 12:55:46 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Since your new master is the academic type, he may find the book list useful:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

This concept may not be useful to you but it made a lot of sense to me:
Without the ability to respond with a clear and defined "No." yes does not have any real meaning.

What is the the value of exchanging power with someone how is willing to agree to everything?

So, take the time to discover you.
Perfectly imperfect, with very human wants, needs and desires.

Share your discoveries with him and let him unwrap the wondrous present you are... .

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 8

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 1:10:26 PM

tooomuch

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/16/2013
Status: offline

Thank you all for your honest and practical feedback. I especially appreciate the perspective Athena Surrenders describes. I find it is often the case that when I am able to see things from a new perspective I am able to affect a more difficult change. Getting to the place of being able to articulate my needs and/or desires is particularly challenging in every aspect of my existence. So you have really aided me greatly today.

The odd thing about the other's suggestions is that I never thought of the power exchange in terms of those sorts of decisions, though I suppose it makes sense. I always saw my food or clothing or time choices as naturally belonging to my Owner. It is my nature to want to "become" what he desires. I mean I tend to look for those details and attributes in order to be defined by his pleasure. I never thought of that as the exchange of power.

For me power exchange is experienced as sense of powerlessness. Like a moment in time when I come face-to-face with the depth and breadth of my hungers, my depravity even, and am forced to own that honestly and in all the humiliation of it. But maybe then there is a blending of this in the process you all have indicayed here, of stating, in obedience, my needs and wants. Maybe honestly identifying and owning my own needs and wants provides a portal to a power exchange. I have never gone here this way before. Maybe this is a healthier more balanced way.

I have always experienced a power exchange as a heat, as a flush of blood to my face, as a sense of powerlessness. It has always felt like a lowering, a form of humiliation maybe. Perhaps I am defining it improperly.

< Message edited by tooomuch -- 1/2/2014 1:56:02 PM >

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 9

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 1:49:29 PM

tooomuch

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/16/2013
Status: offline

Dear DesFIp,
I am greatly distressed to read that my post both maligned my former two Owners and at the same time intimated that I am here outside of the expressed will and directive of my current Owner. This post was a result of an on-going conversation my Owner has been having with me concerning clarity on TPE. However because I have never effected a power exchange only been effected by one I was at a loss on how to help him. I did suggest writing a post here in this forum which he enthusiastically agreed to. Apparently he has a lot of respect for the forums here and says he spends most of his time here on CM reading them.

I mentioned my damaged state not to in any way speak badly of those I had served but because I thought it would aid those giving suggestions to understand the parameters of our currant dynamics. I truly am sickened to think I cast any aspersions on my former Owners. Whether the damage done to me was their fault or not is quite immaterial to the query here.

This is an honest effort to find resources, on a rather abstract topic, to offer to my current Owner per his request. Please forgive me if my original post in anyway conveyed something different than that.

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 10

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 3:56:30 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tooomuch

I am greatly distressed .......

...... I truly am sickened ......

The only things that really stick out to me is what I quoted above.

Wayyyyy over the top! You either need therapy in a bad way or You you have a strong tendency to exaggerate your emotions.

Either way. You need to work on that first

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 11

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 4:20:13 PM

tooomuch

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/16/2013
Status: offline

That was a useful contribution. Thank you for your input.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 4:42:45 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Seems to me that you know what you want, and you want your partner to behave in that way - without you telling him what you want.

silly bunny - you either need to let him do his thing, or tell him what it is that you want. And then let him put his interpretation on what you communicated. And I feel that actually telling someone is a very imprecise way of communicating for me. I would much rather write something complex down. If for no other reason than because its in black and white - there is little room for the whole "but I thought you said..." scenario.

The thing is, is that what he might want as a dominant may not have anything to do with what you want. When I formed a relationship with my sweetie, I had to very consciously let go of expectations from my previous relationship. I expected and wanted my current relationship to be "just like but different" to my past one. Its not fair to my sweetie and it wasn't fair, so I had to give up what I wanted and keep what I had - and now I am in a relationship with a sadist - without a dominant bone in his body. And once I gave up the control issues, I love it .

If you can give your man broad outlines of what you want, and let him fill in the blanks, you will have a relationship that hopefully will satisfy both of you. Not easy, but do-able.

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 13

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 5:18:02 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

To me, successful TPE requires complete trust and commitment. It has to run both ways or neither will gain it. Mutual trust requires mutual exposure. Exposure is vulnerability. Vulnerability proves trust. Trust inspires love. Love makes surrender and control more possible. To me, if you are to succeed at a power exchange, my power to control comes from completely exposing who I am, not from false invulnerability created by guarding my exposure to you.

If I am not fully formed yet, and if you are used to "fixed" goals instead of "fluid" goals, you may feel unstable or lost. Like a ships crew focused on going to a certain island instead of focused on following the captain where every he may wander. They will feel lost, without goal or direction. . . rudderless. I am afraid you are the one that will have to adjust to following him instead of fixed goals while he is still learning.

Anyway, that is my 2 cents and interpretation of what I see in your OP.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 14

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 5:28:20 PM

tooomuch

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/16/2013
Status: offline

Resident Sadist,
You do indeed give good thread. Thank you.

Both your thoughts were extremely valuable and applicable. They were also consistent with the rest of the good suggestions I have received thus far.

Thank you. I think my Owner will especially appreciate your 2 cents. It speaks a lot to me, but also provides some clarity for him. I will copy it directly to him this evening.

Thank you.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 15

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/2/2014 9:53:01 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tooomuch

That was a useful contribution. Thank you for your input.

Your welcome

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 16

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/3/2014 8:17:26 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: tooomuch

I am greatly distressed .......

...... I truly am sickened ......

The only things that really stick out to me is what I quoted above.

Wayyyyy over the top! You either need therapy in a bad way or You you have a strong tendency to exaggerate your emotions.

Either way. You need to work on that first

Gotta agree with this.

I'm not even really sure what your problem is. It's rather easy....he dominates, you submit. Tell him this. Whatever he wants, you do.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 17

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/3/2014 10:53:29 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tooomuch

I am a lifelong slave having come to know myself as a slave nearly 30 years ago. Power exchange is the core of what I understand ownership to be.

Having said that, I sustained debilitating damage by two consecutive owners, the last one five years ago, and am just now emerging from the cocoon I entered to heal. I have found a new Master however I am not quite the caterpillar that entered the cocoon, and he is only emerging in his own path. The confluence of our two journeys is very conducive, with me painfully tentative and him emerging himself.

The core of his passion is worship, something I am imminently familiar with and fed by. However as we have traversed it has become apparent that his knowledge of a power exchange is only academic. This has left me feeling at times unowned, and rudderless. While there are many areas of the D/s dynamic I have extensive knowledge of, explaining and mentoring the capacity to enter into a power exchange with myself is not one of them.

We are seeking knowledge, direction and any research that would help him to understand the dynamic of a power exchange better and become empowered to take that from me.

Your help is greatly valued.

No offense intended but this (and your 2nd post) reads like "experienced slave empowering otherwise clueless (but willing) vanilla".

First thing is to define "power exchange" - and it seems everyone has a unique definition. My own - in a 2 person relationship, the "exchange" is self explanatory; of each complementing that which the other desires because it's impossible to generate individually (no matter how much porn you watch). Kinda like true love - just doesn't work on your own; hasta be validated and complemented by another.

So what is this "power" to be exchanged. I've always said that anyone - ANYONE - who has something you desire has a certain power over you. Basic fact of life! In the vanilla world, young women are especially gifted at exploiting this with how they dress and feminine wiles etc, usually without ever dissecting any "power" dynamics. "Power" or "power exchange" aren't unique to our lifestyle; it's anywhere there's 2 horny teenagers hooking up.

Difference here is, I'm a lot pickier than merely seeking an attractive female to fuck - waaaaay greedier than that. If looks and gender are all she's got, I'll look (duhhh - still a grown man) but she otherwise has now power (of desirability) over me. Straight female doesn't complement me. Add "submissive" to the mix and now we're cooking. Yep, I'll say it in black & white (ok, green) that of course an attractive (to me) fem/sub has massive power (of desirability) in my eyes. Such a woman is the only person who can complement ALL my needs and desires.

But unlike some horny teenager, I've been around enough to know I have massive male/dom "power" in the eyes of the right fem/sub, too. That dom or sub, such individual power is EQUAL and the exchanging is a matter of each doing what comes *naturally* - the most overlooked and understated truth of it all.

OP, empowering a vanilla with your own surrender doesn't give him the dom power you seek; he hasta already have it. Hence you are "rudderless"....

You:
"The core of his passion is worship". Probably every man's fantasy at some time....

"it has become apparent that his knowledge of a power exchange is only academic". That's impossible; vanilla teenagers do it without giving it a name. Maybe you mean his lifestyle dynamics knowledge?

"to enter into a power exchange with myself is not one of them." Because that's also impossible....

Your 2nd post:
"He too has asked me to write a list of what my needs, wants and desires are.". If ever anything screams "willing but clueless vanilla"....

My first known experience (and memory) of D/s persuasions (without ever having heard of such things) was as an 18yo who should've been having sex for the first time. Ok, I barely knew her and we'd had drinks etc but I was interested. And without knowing why at the time, I got sooooo turned off when she grabbed my hand and started leading me to a bedroom while giving her friends such an annoyingly coy smile. Never happened to me before but I really *really* didn't like being led like that.

Your power is of being female and submissive. Empowering a vanilla man to take charge of you is to drive a car that has no fuel. Will power and best intentions etc won't cut it, the engine still needs its own fuel to run. A first day dom newbie will likely have it; that need to take charge in his own right.

Inexperience is one thing - that'll take care of itself - you're sure he's got the right fuel ("power") to start with?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to tooomuch)

Post #: 18

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/3/2014 11:06:09 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Too much analysis going on. If two people want a power exchange, suggest some things to try.

Why does this have to be distressing?

You say you are so experienced. As an experienced sub myself, I never go to strangers, I talk to my partner.

It actually works.

And, if something does not work for either party, don't do it.

I mean this should be fun, I think.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 19

RE: Power Exchange (How is it done?) - 1/4/2014 8:53:20 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

The core of his passion is worship, something I am imminently familiar with and fed by. However as we have traversed it has become apparent that his knowledge of a power exchange is only academic. This has left me feeling at times unowned, and rudderless. While there are many areas of the D/s dynamic I have extensive knowledge of, explaining and mentoring the capacity to enter into a power exchange with myself is not one of them.

We are seeking knowledge, direction and any research that would help him to understand the dynamic of a power exchange better and become empowered to take that from me.

Your help is greatly valued.

Comments:
Sounds like someone is asking for the leash to be made tighter,significantly so.

I dunno know if I can tell anyone else how to be in a power dynamic. I can say that for us,it starts with how I see her in my mind. She's property. An owned piece of meat for me to do as I desire. There's lots of other things that orbit around that sun (Like, being my BFF, my lover, my personal assistant etc..) but that's the gravitational center of all we do.
And I treat her as such.
Oh,I show respect. I make her laugh.I treat her terrifically and go way way out of my way to make her smile.
She has input. She's even,gasp, better than me at some things (like computers, heya) and I give her wide latitude in these areas, often turning over control completely.
But all these perks, they're privileges granted through my grace and as such, can be taken for any or no reason whatsoever.
Her purpose in my life is to serve, please and obey. That's it..and I make damn sure she holds true to that.
In other words,she does what I want,when I want,how I want, in the way I want. Anything less is unacceptable.
If she starts sliding off that track I remind her of her role in my life. Usually just a side comment, maybe treat her as an "it" for a period of time, on rare occasion (Cuz mouse is a smart and wonderfully terrific slave and doesn't usually fuck up) an actual consequence.
It sounds somewhat drastic I know.It sure as fuck is absolute.But in actuality the very black and whiteness of the dynamic makes things simpler for both of us. There are no ambiguities. There are few grey areas.
I command. She obeys.Or she suffers the consequences of such a decision.
It's that simple.

There are times I tell her,"If you were a slave in Rome, where masters literally owned their slaves, and could,and on occasion did, kill their slaves,how would you obey? That's how I want you to react in this dynamic."

Her ass is mine-That's the root of the TPE for me and I treat her accordingly.
Cunt don't like it, she can leave.

And ya know what?
Gals love that shit.They love the firmness. They love the strictness.They love the control.
It's what mouse craves.
More than anything else,more than the sex, more than the companionship, waaaaaaaaaaay more than the kink, she needs it in her heart and soul. None of this taken in hand nonsense.Maybe more like taken by the throat.
And that shit, that tight tight leash, that hits her right in her horny wet slutcunt, leaves pussy puddled all day long and twice on Tuesday. That's her payback.The control is the incentive.

But he's gotta see things that way. He's gotta see her that way. And if he can't, it's JMHO and all, then problems will ensue. Hard core gals don't groove offa wishy-washy dominants. That shit rarely flies

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Power Exchange (How is it done?)

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.125