New at being dominatrix

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MissyBrea -> New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 12:01:26 AM)
My fiancé had just recently exposed me to the sub/dom world. He likes to be treated like a puppy, golden showers, bondage, foot fetish, not cumming, begging me to havean orgasm, cleaning my shoes with his tongue. Typical submissive behavior. But I have questions... I'm not sure what to say sometimes? He said that he wants me to dominate him more. What things should I do and say? I don't want things to become boring, but I don't want to ask him either because I feel Like it will defeat the whole purpose of being a dom. Please and thank you. ANYTHING is welcome :) I'm very open minded

epiphiny43 -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 12:40:19 AM)
Do what you feel like, enjoy the moments? You'll find some attitudes and behaviors are more fun for you, and others that aren't so natural or internally rewarding bring out responses from him that delight you, or don't. Most of the 'Pro Domme' porn is male fantasy material, the pros being more role playing service Dommes. This may inform how to be what he wants at the time. Being a real Domme would seem to me to be to discover your own dominant side and explore that. Use others for ideas but pay close attention to your own feelings and responses to find your personal style. As I think you have intuited, faking it will deeply disappoint him, and you. I'd be careful of always trying to top the previous session. This seems very dangerous for a long term relationship? Enjoying the F/m dynamic within realistic limits won't end in frustration in a short time in the way always seeking a bigger high would?

ResidentSadist -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 12:42:57 AM)
read See my sig link.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 1:44:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissyBrea My fiancé had just recently exposed me to the sub/dom world. He likes to be treated like a puppy, golden showers, bondage, foot fetish, not cumming, begging me to havean orgasm, cleaning my shoes with his tongue. Typical submissive behavior. But I have questions... I'm not sure what to say sometimes? He said that he wants me to dominate him more. What things should I do and say? I don't want things to become boring, but I don't want to ask him either because I feel Like it will defeat the whole purpose of being a dom. Please and thank you. ANYTHING is welcome :) I'm very open minded You just need to think about it differently. Go ahead and ask him what he'd like to try. As the dom, you need all the information to make your decision. It's not a sign of weakness to ask him - it's just good sense. Practise saying, 'I'm in charge' and 'I'm the boss'. For example 'You said you'd like to to do X, Y and Z tonight. I've listened to you and I want to do X, I don't like Y, and I haven't decided about Z. Since I'm in charge, we'll do some X and Q to start, and I'll see how I feel.' Does that make sense? As well as learning all about what he likes, be honest with yourself about what you like. As long as it's not a hard limit of his, you get to do whatever you want! Maybe tonight you don't want to have your feet worshipped, maybe you want a back rub instead. You're in charge. Maybe you just want a good old shag with no kink. You're the boss. See where I'm going with this? It's great that you want him to have a good time. As long as you are also enjoying what you are doing. It's ok to be selfish occasionally - if he whines about how he wants to get back to his big kink, remind him that he asked you to be in charge, so you decide when you do things. Gonna PM you on the other side. Edit: no I'm not because you have no profile visible.

MariaB -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 2:50:54 AM)
Good on you MissyBrea, its people like you that make the world a better place! I agree with RS, read, read and keep on reading. Athena said about practicing with the voice and I agree. Even when dominance comes naturally, the voice and spoken words are probably the most difficult part to get right when you first embark on a D/s relationship. Think on, its not about shouting, though some may enjoy that!, its about bringing him to his knees with a mere whisper! When I first started out as a Domme, I did it professionally but for the first year I had to work as an apprentice with a very good London Domme. When I first used to assist in the dungeon, I used to feel really mean when a sub guy looked at me like a sad puppy. My instinct was to say, 'sorry, I didn't really mean that [:)] but I learnt very quickly that the sad puppy eyes meant he was in the right head space and absolutely loving it!! You must try and relax and be confident. Sit back and be generally demanding. I laugh a lot when I'm on a dominant mission, partly because I'm enjoying myself but also because I know it leads the submissive into a false sense of security. I say things like, 'do you trust me?' and when he answers with a positive yes, I lean into his ear and whisper, 'well you shouldn't'! Being dominant is only fun and rewarding if you are enjoying it. I hope you do get something out of it and that you hang around here and join in with our discussions.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 3:11:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB You must try and relax and be confident. Sit back and be generally demanding. I laugh a lot when I'm on a dominant mission, partly because I'm enjoying myself but also because I know it leads the submissive into a false sense of security. I say things like, 'do you trust me?' and when he answers with a positive yes, I lean into his ear and whisper, 'well you shouldn't'! You sound like a lot of fun, Maria.

MariaB -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 4:32:17 AM)
Thanks Athena, I hope I am because when it comes to this kind of thing, fun is what I want it to be. Although many of us grew up with dominant related fantasies, when it comes to the real thing, nobody should presume we will automatically know what to do! BDSM scenes are all good and well if we understand the tools we are about to use and D/s mingled with that BDSM doesn't come naturally (I don't believe) but something we have to learn and grown with. When I set off down the D/s route, up until that moment I had spent my entire life being pleasant to people. Whilst I may of fantasized about verbally dominating someone, I had never uttered those words out loud, never mind to someone standing in front of me and because my upbringing told me these words were crude and offensive, uttering them in someone's face for the first time was somewhat daunting!

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 4:50:32 AM)
Welcome to the discussion side MissyBrea. You've gotten some good advice so far, and I will add this: it's quite common for newish subs to be very greedy, AND to have a fantasy in their head for how the dominant should behave. As has been pointed out, you're the dom, you can cut the greediness bit in the bud whenever you want (and you should). As for the sub's fantasies for how you should behave, well you might not meet that, and you don' t have to (unless their fantasy and your reality are worlds apart). Absolutely talk, ask questions, learn what makes your sub tick. Understand his deepest fantasies, and then determine your dominant reality. Where they mesh, good, where they don't, it's up to you to decide what fantasies you may want to fulfill, and what you desire. Here's a hint from someone who's been doing this for awhile: Always leave them wanting more. Best, CP

suboutwest -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 6:05:50 AM)
From a subs point of view I will say that everyone here has good points. As far as answering how to "dominate" him more is tough to answer without knowing how you are dominating him at this moment. There can be a lot more to dominating than just the sexual act but a lot is depending on what your fiance' is expecting. Does he want you to dominate him more in bed? Or is he wanting you to be more dominant with day to day tasks? And of course the most important question is how would you like to dominate him.

MariaB -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 6:13:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Here's a hint from someone who's been doing this for awhile: Always leave them wanting more. Best words of wisdom yet! I really like the way this thread is going.

DarkSteven -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 6:22:43 AM)
I'd add some spanking. Also, feel free to ask him what he likes. But it's not your job to do them. It's your job to do what YOU want. And if that includes pleasing him or getting him off, then do it. Question - is this just for play, or does it also involve you being in charge outside the bedroom? If it does... all those little habits of his that get under your skin? Pick the one or two worst offenders, tell him that you're going to punish him of he does them again. And follow through.

HipPoindexter -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 7:03:35 AM)
interesting people are idiosyncratic, and in a relationship with good sexual chemistry the idiosyncrasies are the hottest part. this means you have to find your own voice, and you also have to talk to him about the kinds of tone and mood (both in terms of setting scenes and your demeanor within scenes) that turn him on. for example: in college i was dating a girl who was naturally giggly and sarcastic and obnoxious as shit. when we did kinky stuff, at first, she tried very hard to come off as a Stern Mistress because that's what she thought a scene was supposed to look like. she was uncomfortable and for my part, i find giggly and obnoxious hot and stern disciplinarians make me wanna check my watch. if we hadn't started talking about our tastes in kinky shit one night, weeks after we started doing it, we might have had a fairly tedious sexual relationship. instead it turned pretty awesome. it's good to talk to him about what he likes while you're playing, when you're in control. under those circumstances things you might not ordinarily say are much easier/hotter to blurt out. quote: ORIGINAL: MissyBrea My fiancé had just recently exposed me to the sub/dom world. He likes to be treated like a puppy, golden showers, bondage, foot fetish, not cumming, begging me to havean orgasm, cleaning my shoes with his tongue. Typical submissive behavior. But I have questions... I'm not sure what to say sometimes? He said that he wants me to dominate him more. What things should I do and say? I don't want things to become boring, but I don't want to ask him either because I feel Like it will defeat the whole purpose of being a dom. Please and thank you. ANYTHING is welcome :) I'm very open minded

MissyBrea -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 9:58:34 AM)
All of your responses are awesome. Thank you so much for taking the time :) I'm doing this off of my mobile phone, so I'm going to try to remember all the questions! It was questioned if I like it; and the answer is I love being a dom & telling him what to do! We are both so comfortable with each other and trust each other. I have never raised my voice either, I have gotten the whispering down to a tee, because he literally whines when I say something because, "he loves my voice & the way I speak to him." Spanking was mentioned as well, I have noticed that he's not a fan of pain. In that being said, is it "I don't care, I like it and you've been a bad puppy", situation? You all have helped me so much, and you're right! It's finding myself, I just am unsure how to. In young (21), and he is older (35). I have never been exposed to pornogorphy (never had a feel for it). So basically in this, I'm a virgin LOL. Again, thank you all for your responses. I am so looking forward to reading more!

MissyBrea -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 10:02:02 AM)
Oh! I almost forgot. Also someone asked if he likes to be dominated through daily tasks as well... The answer is yes. He likes to be controlled & he LOVES when I get jealous. He told me I need to go through his phone every night & do surprise checks on his phone when he's at work to make sure I'm behaving.

LadyPact -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 12:10:24 PM)
The other answers you received were already very good. I'm just going to make a quick comment about the not asking/defeat the purpose part. Personally, that's not the way I do things. It's more hit or miss. Great if you happen to do something awesome. Kind of blah if it doesn't go well. Instead, I use what I call the file cabinet mentality. When we have talks about what's working, what we haven't done yet that has good potential, etc, I tuck that information away for later. It's not stuff that I'm going to use right that minute. I might not use it for a week or a month. (I won't use it at all if it's not something that works on My end as well.) It's a bunch of ideas that I file away for later use. That also reinforces that the selection of which idea I'm going to use at any given moment is Mine. Hope that helps.

shadowborn61 -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 1:40:52 PM)
Here is a suggestion for when he is a "bad puppy" use a rolled up newspaper on his bare bottom, If you don't roll it too tightly it will be more thuddy than painful and will make one hell of a noise that will be guaranteed to get his attention. That and the whole spanking a bad doggy with a newspaper thing may very well send him into orbit [:D] If you want a little more sting without too much a ping pong paddle works well another toy that sounds much worse than it feels. Have fun exploring together.

MissyBrea -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 6:22:39 PM)
Which hyperlink would best suite me?

littlewonder -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/3/2014 8:21:50 PM)
What do YOU want him to do? Tell him what you want and he does it. What are your fantasies? What are his? Talk to him. Ask him what he would like to have happen.

kalikshama -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/5/2014 4:59:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissyBrea Which hyperlink would best suite me? Here's the link RS mentioned: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm Perhaps you can't see his signature line because you are on your phone?

kalikshama -> RE: New at being dominatrix (1/5/2014 5:02:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The other answers you received were already very good. I'm just going to make a quick comment about the not asking/defeat the purpose part. Personally, that's not the way I do things. It's more hit or miss. Great if you happen to do something awesome. Kind of blah if it doesn't go well. Instead, I use what I call the file cabinet mentality. When we have talks about what's working, what we haven't done yet that has good potential, etc, I tuck that information away for later. It's not stuff that I'm going to use right that minute. I might not use it for a week or a month. (I won't use it at all if it's not something that works on My end as well.) It's a bunch of ideas that I file away for later use. That also reinforces that the selection of which idea I'm going to use at any given moment is Mine. Hope that helps. My Dom and I discuss and he has the mental file cabinet as well. I never know when he's going to pull something out [:)]

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