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Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/5/2014 6:24:18 PM   
nychudson500


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/11/2013
Status: offline 		This is my first try on the message board.

First, a little about us... We met on this site in 2010. Married in 2011. Had a baby in late 2012. Now we're back here again in 2013. Our entire relationship has been lifestyle F/m. He's pretty service-based.

After the baby, I found that my sex drive went down quite a bit. His reward used to be intercourse twice each month. That worked well. However, I am no longer interested in that for a few reasons. I am wondering if that is too harsh. And if it isn't, what could replace it.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Amanda
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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/5/2014 7:48:07 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Hi there, Amanda! Welcome to the forums!

Let's see if I have this straight.

1. Baby's born and your sex drive drops.
2. The frequency of sex has dropped.
3. You're concerned that the poor guy isn't getting the nookie he deserves.

The first bit of advice I'd have is to go to a doctor. Right after the baby is born, your sex drive should drop due to exhaustion and schedule issues, possibly postpartum depression. I can speak from experience that postpartum depression, even when treated, can last a while - my ex had it for two years while the doctors kept tweaking her meds. Do you have any other symptoms, such as low energy and irritability?

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/5/2014 7:56:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm assuming the baby is sleeping through the night. However if you're still nursing, that could be why you have no libido.

In any event, go see your gyn/ob and get your hormones checked. Also get a TSH done. Thyroid symptoms can easily be assumed to be due to fatigue but no amount of sleep and rest will fix that.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/5/2014 8:02:27 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Welcome, Amanda. Glad to have you join us.

From what I've seen it's pretty normal to lose your sex drive after having a baby. Your hormones are all over the place, you're probably exhausted, and you are having to make an adjustment from a 2-person family to 3. That third little person is making a lot of demands on your time and energy.

Instead of intercourse, why not order him to experiment with new toys and/or masturbate either privately or in your presence. There's a school of thought out there that the sub partner should behave in solidarity with the dominant's needs, so you could also put him in chastity until you're ready to resume your regular activities.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your new family member!

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/5/2014 8:07:41 PM   
FelineRanger


Posts: 658
Joined: 9/4/2012
Status: offline 		My fallback medical advice to to have a sleep study done. If you have any kind of sleep disorder, which may have been cause by weight gain during pregnancy, that could have effects just as wide ranging as thyroid problems. I speak from experience about the sleep disorder because I had an off-the-charts sleep apnea go undiagnosed for over 4 years. (Obviously not from weight gain due to pregnancy!)

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/6/2014 3:18:46 AM   
nychudson500


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/11/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you so much for the responses, everyone!

These are really good points. Some of the I have thought about, others I have not. I talked to the doctor about this. I thought she was a lot more helpful at first than later on. She spent some time talking about waiting to heal before having sex again. I didn't have sex until she said it was ok, but it just didn't feel the same. Nothing else came up unusual in the tests.

The baby usually sleeps through the night, but not always. That might be part of it.

I have been trying to think through it in the way MistressDarkArt mentioned. I want to be reasonable and fair with my slave without indulging him.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/6/2014 8:24:50 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nychudson500
I want to be reasonable and fair with my slave without indulging him.

Like everyone else who has posted, this sounds to me like a problem whose answer probably lies in mainstream vanilla life. Before looking to kink, I'd look at things like your nutrition, sleep pattern, and how much confidence you have in him as a new father and yourself as a new mother. (Maybe "for a few reasons" includes a lack of confidence there? His reactions have disappointed you, or you disappointed yourself?)

One kinky note: the dom in the house over the next few months will be the needs of the child. Maybe part of what is going on is that you feel displaced from your role. This is very common for men -- they feel jealous of the new baby, and then feel guilty for feeling the jealousy, because it displaces their head of householdness and the attention they receive from the wife/gf. So maybe you're getting hit with some of that because of role reversal.

Finally, about "indulgence": be sure to indulge him, and to get indulged yourself. It's very important. I don't mean sexual indulgence necessarily, but things that say, "You are so special to me, here is something just for you." Buy him flowers or a video game or whatever. Surprise him with little nothings. And he should be doing the same. It's like hiring a sitter and having a date night: it keeps the romance and special connection going.

< Message edited by RedMagic1 -- 1/6/2014 8:27:08 AM >

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/6/2014 8:52:43 PM   
cloudboy


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Joined: 12/14/2005
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One thing that hasn't changed in the wake of Sewell's book is my advice to women with low libidos: You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, ladies, but you can't have both. If monogamy is a priority, you're gonna have to put out, i.e., regular vaginal intercourse and the occasional tide-him-over handjob and/or blowjob, cheerfully given. If all you wanna do is sit there and eat chocolate, you're gonna have to turn a blind eye to lap dances and mistresses and happy endings and the return of trade, i.e., gay guys giving NSA head to straight guys.

-- Dan Savage

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/7/2014 1:58:09 PM   
bloomswell


Posts: 52
Status: offline 		We went through this for several years. Many women lose libido after giving birth and and it can take ages to get it back. It's quite normal. Don't worry. Babies and children are major passion killers!
In the meantime maybe you could supervise your sub giving himself an orgasm once a week or so. This would demand little effort from you and if accompanied with varying degrees of humiliation (on his knees etc) could serve you both reasonably well until your hotness returns.
It's probably easier for those of us in F/m relationships to handle the post birth lack of intercourse thing than regular vanilla folks as we're more flexible with variety.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/7/2014 6:27:52 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


One thing that hasn't changed in the wake of Sewell's book is my advice to women with low libidos: You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, ladies, but you can't have both. If monogamy is a priority, you're gonna have to put out, i.e., regular vaginal intercourse and the occasional tide-him-over handjob and/or blowjob, cheerfully given. If all you wanna do is sit there and eat chocolate, you're gonna have to turn a blind eye to lap dances and mistresses and happy endings and the return of trade, i.e., gay guys giving NSA head to straight guys.

-- Dan Savage




That's not how it works in my dynamics, which have gone on for years with everybody happy and getting what they need. I take my partners' needs into consideration without sacrificing my own, and we work something out acceptable to both.

I think the quote above is immature, threatening and too simplistic for loving couples.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/8/2014 8:32:08 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nychudson500

This is my first try on the message board.

First, a little about us... We met on this site in 2010. Married in 2011. Had a baby in late 2012. Now we're back here again in 2013. Our entire relationship has been lifestyle F/m. He's pretty service-based.

After the baby, I found that my sex drive went down quite a bit. His reward used to be intercourse twice each month. That worked well. However, I am no longer interested in that for a few reasons. I am wondering if that is too harsh. And if it isn't, what could replace it.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Amanda


I'm leaning towards sex.

(Sue me).

(in reply to nychudson500)
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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/9/2014 5:58:10 PM   
nychudson500


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/11/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you for the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it. I will say that as I read the recent responses and re-read the earlier responses, I am surprised that most people seem to think it's a medical issue. I feel pretty good overall. I set up an appointment, though. Why not?

Maybe I am misunderstanding the concepts of service and denial and chastity. Maybe I am discounting the importance of intercourse in an F/m relationship. I assumed that it wasn't particularly important and pursuing alternatives was a perfectly reasonable choice. I am going to read up on that, too. I don't want to be unreasonable.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/9/2014 6:35:21 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Maybe I am misunderstanding the concepts of service and denial and chastity. Maybe I am discounting the importance of intercourse in an F/m relationship. I assumed that it wasn't particularly important and pursuing alternatives was a perfectly reasonable choice. I am going to read up on that, too. I don't want to be unreasonable


I don't really see this as a BDSM issue, but as a medical / marital issue. If you two "get off" on denial and chastity, that would be one thing. But if he really liked that bi-monthly sex, and your libido's been down since late 2012 - over a year - I don't think it's fair to him to "pursue alternatives" without making a concerted effort to explore why your libido has been down for so long.

I'm into service, and have been in service-only relationships, but I'd be really sad, unsatisfied, and possible resentful if someone with whom I had a sex & service relationship cut out the sex indefinitely.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/9/2014 6:58:37 PM   
nychudson500


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/11/2013
Status: offline 		That's fair! I have been trying to think that through. He's into it if I can keep him excited. Doesn't have to be sex.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/9/2014 8:41:17 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm also assuming that you used to enjoy sex and don't want to never have it again for the next 60 years.

The first thing to do is always have a physical. But if your TSH is not through the roof but is still high, it could be causing this without you noticing that you feel bad.

Now if you have decided to give up sex forevermore, that's going to impact him pretty hard. And you need to talk to him about it. Because feeling attractive to your partner is necessary if a relationship will last. And yes, he's playing second fiddle to the baby (as are you). And people need reassurance when there are major life changes, like a baby.

My daughter didn't start sleeping through the night for a whole year, I had no interest in sex until a month or so after she did.

Oh and if you're nursing, that by itself can shut down your libido. But it isn't fair to him to have no sex for three years, unless he's agreed to it. The one thing you don't mention is asking him how he feels and trying to come to an equitable solution that fulfills both your needs.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/9/2014 8:48:30 PM >

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/9/2014 8:52:16 PM   
nychudson500


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/11/2013
Status: offline 		That might be it. I am still breastfeeding!

We have reached a compromise, though it has evolved too. I'll try to be blunt here. His reward used to be intercourse twice a month. Lately, it has been masturbation. I allow him to masturbate in front of me. I get my orgasms from oral sex.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/9/2014 9:08:53 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nychudson500

That might be it. I am still breastfeeding!

We have reached a compromise, though it has evolved too. I'll try to be blunt here. His reward used to be intercourse twice a month. Lately, it has been masturbation. I allow him to masturbate in front of me. I get my orgasms from oral sex.

Question for you, do you still have the desire for oral sex, and simply don't have the desire for vaginal sex, or is it you don't want sex at all? If you have no desire for sex at all, then it could be hormones or the baby, but if it is you don't want to have vaginal sex, that could be something else.

As far as your husband goes, that is up to your dynamic. If he and you are happy with the twice a month sex, then maybe masturbation or toys would work fine......the one thing that is important is to make sure that he loves the denial and such, that that turns him on/drives him. D/s relationships are very personal and unique, and there is no such thing as the 'right' way to do it. I know 24/7 TPE relationships that are very strict, where the couple has sex quite frequently, because they both need that, I know relationships where the male sub is kept in chastity and the domme cuckolds him and makes him cum by pegging him with a dildo (or occasionally has a bi boyfriend do it for her), it is all up to your dynamic; while reading what others have done is useful, in the end, you need to find what works for you. If you don't feel like having vaginal sex but otherwise have a drive to be orally serviced or whatever, the only thing that is a concern is a)will your m feel like you don't want him any more, don't care about him or b)is your not wanting vaginal sex because in some way you have developed a phobia or fear with it. If it is simply you don't feel like vaginal sex and he is okay with alternatives and feels like he is still your cherished slave, then that is cool. My only advice is don't do it because that is what 'experts' say or what "F/m" is, that is bullshit, like I noted, you can have a pretty strict D/s and still have a lot of sex, and anyone who tells you of course you have to deny a slave sex to be a femmedomme or whatever is a pompous asshole, while denial in some form is common, it isn't necessary or the ultimate or whatever unless it is the ultimate for you and your S...me, I am not wired that way, nor is my lady, the expression of love in sex is too valuable to both of us to ever deny it to each other, with the exception of special times where we up things a bit:)



< Message edited by njlauren -- 1/9/2014 9:13:00 PM >

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/9/2014 9:28:00 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt


quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


One thing that hasn't changed in the wake of Sewell's book is my advice to women with low libidos: You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, ladies, but you can't have both. If monogamy is a priority, you're gonna have to put out, i.e., regular vaginal intercourse and the occasional tide-him-over handjob and/or blowjob, cheerfully given. If all you wanna do is sit there and eat chocolate, you're gonna have to turn a blind eye to lap dances and mistresses and happy endings and the return of trade, i.e., gay guys giving NSA head to straight guys.

-- Dan Savage




That's not how it works in my dynamics, which have gone on for years with everybody happy and getting what they need. I take my partners' needs into consideration without sacrificing my own, and we work something out acceptable to both.

I think the quote above is immature, threatening and too simplistic for loving couples.

It is a bit snarky, but the reality of mismatched libidos is very real. Based on talking to guys I know (and more than a few women), often when a spouse or partner loses interest in sex, they kind of forget what it felt like to want/need sex, and as a result forget that their partner may not be very happy......I know one guy in his 50's, who really loves his wife, whose wife basically cut off sex once the kids were grown, said she had done her duty....but continually accused him of cheating, wasn't happy he turned to porn and such, and would probably divorce him and take him over the coals if he cheated on her, yet could not see what her lack of interest in sex was doing to him, or care. They key thing is understanding that both parties have needs and making sure they are met, because otherwise it can lead to trouble..yeah, Savage's view is simple minded, but the reality of sex and other needs is you can't ignore those of your partner when yours changes.....:).


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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/10/2014 5:15:45 PM   
Chrisp7135


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline 		Decreased libido while breast feeding is common, and presumed to be related to prolactin levels which remain elevated (men and women both with prolactin producing pituitary tumors commonly report decreased libido, although of course in those cases there is contribution from other
derangement's of the pituitary axis).

Once you quit breastfeeding your sex drive (more likely than not) will bounce back. If it doesn't, then at that point you should consider some medical options.
This is a big area of intense research right now, with a few drugs coming on line this year (2014) to increase arousal and libido for women.

For both men and women the administration of exogenous testosterone will increase sex drive markedly, but women are so darn picky about a mustache, broad shoulders, and a deep voice that androgens are mainly an option for men.

Many people (male and female both) forget the fun and joy of sexual desire when their libido falls off, and often don't recognize it as an issue. It can be a real sticking point in relationships, not to mention missed opportunities for real intimacy.

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RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage - 1/10/2014 5:41:27 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nychudson500

This is my first try on the message board.

First, a little about us... We met on this site in 2010. Married in 2011. Had a baby in late 2012. Now we're back here again in 2013. Our entire relationship has been lifestyle F/m. He's pretty service-based.

After the baby, I found that my sex drive went down quite a bit. His reward used to be intercourse twice each month. That worked well. However, I am no longer interested in that for a few reasons. I am wondering if that is too harsh. And if it isn't, what could replace it.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Amanda


Amanda,
Was the twice each month agreement made before the birth or after?

Because I am wondering if maybe intercourse just wasn't terribly important to you to begin with.

Is it that you are disinterested because of a lessened sex drive/ fatigue or has intercourse become less comfortable?

At least two of those can be medical issues.

But if you really didn't like intercourse all that much to begin with... ?

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