Your kink or your relationship

Your kink or your relationship (Full Version)

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anniezz338 -> Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 8:06:19 AM)
If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out. Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink?

searching4mysir -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 8:26:04 AM)
For me, love beats kink. We are more D/s than BDSM anyway and have wonderful vanilla sex. It is what is between his ears that is the biggest turn on for me.

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 8:40:29 AM)
As a poly person, I don't have this problem. I'm married to another dominant and neither of us switches. Both of us are free to find other partners to engage in kink. I also have a girlfriend who is submissive but not A submissive, if that makes sense. She prefers for me to be the leader in our relationship and she's okay with a bit of light slap and tickle in the bedroom. I have discovered I'm content with a lot less heavy sadism as long as I'm leading the relationship. I guess in that sense, love wins over kink.

DesFIP -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 8:43:05 AM)
I'd have difficulty if he didn't want to be the leader of the relationship. I'd be sorry if he never wanted to tie me up anymore but I could live without that. But I don't consider kink to be what defines a power relationship.

MariaB -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 9:07:48 AM)
No, love conquers all.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 9:19:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP But I don't consider kink to be what defines a power relationship. This is the bit that sums us up. So.... no way would kink ever get the better over love. Love comes first and foremost, always, without question.

KnightofMists -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 9:21:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out. Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink? M/s to us isn't kinky. It's about how the authority structure in our relationship functions. That structure is a reflection of who we are as people and not an aspect of what do for fun. The BDSM is the kinky stuff. It's one of many things we do for fun. I am pretty sure we could survive and even thrive without kink. In fact there will be some time in our future we will not beable to do it or at least to the same degree as we do it now. Age does have it's affect. But with the authority structure, well that just isn't an option. The authority structure is part of the foundation that allows us to thrive and endure not just survive and exist together.

D0MBLKMAN2Serve -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 9:53:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out. Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink? Have you considered the fact that the 'kink' you refer to could be someone's lifestyle. As with any lifestyle if there is disagreement then you talk it out and settle it either way. At the end of the day 'your happiness' is all you got. Nurture it.

anniezz338 -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 9:54:34 AM)
Thanks for the input. What about protocols? From the sub point of view, what if they don't want to sit at your feet anymore? What if they don't want to engage in sex when you want to? What if your sub didn't want to follow protocols you have lined out for the relationship in the begining but they still wanted the relationship to continue?

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 10:00:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 Thanks for the input. What about protocols? From the sub point of view, what if they don't want to sit at your feet anymore? What if they don't want to engage in sex when you want to? What if your sub didn't want to follow protocols you have lined out for the relationship in the begining but they still wanted the relationship to continue? We don't have any protocols. Period. A sub does as agreed or we change the rules (that ain't likely to haapen) or they leave. We don't do "what if's", ever.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 10:06:03 AM)
Kink. It doesn't have to be a BDSM relationship, but a relationship with no kinky sex or kinky experimentation would be utterly boring and pointless. Even in my vanilla relationships, we enjoyed roleplay and rough sex. No way I could stay in a relationship that wasn't satisfying, sexually.

FieryOpal -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 10:30:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists M/s to us isn't kinky. It's about how the authority structure in our relationship functions. That structure is a reflection of who we are as people and not an aspect of what do for fun. The BDSM is the kinky stuff. A marriage is a covenant, which makes it more than a legal contract. Whether spouse or life partner, I would try to work with him and find out why our D/s dynamic is no longer desirable and how does he want to redefine it. There are deal breakers in any relationship, infidelity and bisexuality being at the top of the list. So the reasons and motivations behind his decision would concern me because it isn't a simple either/or choice. In a less committed relationship, I would be less invested in making compromises to my lifestyle choices. If what you mean are the BDSM pursuits, those aren't as important to me. Certains kinds of sexual acts are, and I would have to give it serious thought, depending on what he didn't want to do anymore and why.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 11:14:20 AM)
Does love beat out kink? That's like asking a monogamous person if they can go poly because of love. That wasn't what they signed on for. For me it's not kink or the choice between vanilla sex or kinky sex. It is the choice of relationship style and leather lifestyle or not. A choice of whether or not I will be the owner of my slave. In which case the answer is, no. Why in the hell would I want a woman that was not slave? Love you say? Love is easy . . . I am a great guy and I give really good relationship. Why would I spend myself on someone that doesn't have the same desires or capacity to live and love in the style I desire and am accustomed to? quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB No, love conquers all. If love truly conquers all . . . then it should work both ways. Let them be the one to accept the D/s or M/s dynamics. A sad goodbye - - After 2 years she came to me and said she didn't want to be slave anymore. I was dad to the kids she brought into my life. We were family but she just wanted to be in a kinky poly family, poly a primary pair . . . she didn't want to be slave anymore. It broke my heart. I loved her and the kids but my reply was, "why would I want with a woman that was not my slave?" I had to tear my own heart out and let them go, but you can't come to me as I am for a n agreed relationship style and then expect me to change. That wasn't the deal.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 11:26:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 Thanks for the input. What about protocols? From the sub point of view, what if they don't want to sit at your feet anymore? What if they don't want to engage in sex when you want to? What if your sub didn't want to follow protocols you have lined out for the relationship in the begining but they still wanted the relationship to continue? We've been there. We stripped all D/s out of our lives, though we ended up going back to it. We never for one moment considered ending the relationship over it - we have too much. It did of course take some adjustment. Thing is though, it's partly just our personalities. It's how we relate to each other so there's always going to be some hint of it there. If it had never been there, perhaps we wouldn't have got together, it's impossible to say. As for kinky sex, I'm sure I'd have an active fantasy life but I could live without it. It'd have to be a good reason though, not just selfishness or laziness. There's very few kinks I wouldn't at least try to accommodate for him, and he'd do the same for me. Not because we're kinky, but just because we're really invested in making each other happy. I'm confident we'd find a way through it. A totally sexless marriage would be hard for me to deal with. I'd live with it if we had no choice due to medical problems, but if he just lost interest entirely it would be a problem.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 11:40:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out. Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink? There have been some threads about "getting out." Most of the ones I've seen involve the man not wanting to hit the woman any longer, and she's yearning for a good beating. For me personally, I think there's a big difference between the end of a dynamic and the end of being kinky in bed. I'd see the end of a dynamic as a less serious thing than not wanting to be kinky any more. The dynamic could end for all kinds of reasons, but not doing what your partner likes in bed is just selfish.

HntersToy -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 11:57:59 AM)

DesFIP -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 12:03:58 PM)
We're 60 years old. Sitting at his feet means eventually I have to climb back up and that gets harder each year. It isn't the position but what's in the heart that matters. And over ten years, protocols have drifted away. They aren't necessary to make us feel that he holds control. He knows he's in charge, I know he's in charge, even the kids know to ask him about some stuff.

HntersToy -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 12:04:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out. Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink? Let me try this again...I have submitted to One, only One. i love Him. That's all that i am able to share at the tme

kiwisub12 -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 12:54:34 PM)
When my Sir was ill the kink went by the wayside. The dynamic didn't. There were times when I was desperate for a good beating, but ya know what? I didn't die from the wanting. Relationships for me are more important than kink. And having said that - if my SO didn't want to engage in kink because of ...... I would have to evaluate that, because our relationship might not be what I thought it was. It would be very situational.

LadyPact -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 1:24:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 If your spouse decided they didn't want to participate in a D/s or M/s dynamic anymore, would you be able to live with that? I've read many threads about people wanting to get into the lifestyle but none about getting out. Do you feel your relationship would survive without kink for you? Does love beat out kink? We don't participate in a dynamic between ourselves, so that's moot. However, we have something that most people don't have and that's a standing agreement. When I got back into kink and we became poly because of that, we agreed between ourselves that if the decision was detrimental to our marriage, (as in the headed for divorce court type) we'd go back to being monogamous and vanilla. That was roughly nine years ago. Since then, he's become kinky himself from the top side when he was basically vanilla to start with. We still don't really engage in kink with each other because neither of us like to bottom and there is no power structure with each other. We're a D/D couple and if you looked at only our relationship in that view, it would look pretty vanilla to most people until you look at how other people interact with us. Which leads to this. quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 Thanks for the input. What about protocols? From the sub point of view, what if they don't want to sit at your feet anymore? What if they don't want to engage in sex when you want to? What if your sub didn't want to follow protocols you have lined out for the relationship in the begining but they still wanted the relationship to continue? I did this separately because I think it's very important to impress that this part is why I'm poly in the first place. I don't have a husband and a boyfriend. I have a husband and a submissive because that's the part that feeds Me and that's what I'm doing it for. The reason that he became a part of My life in the first place was because of the kink and the BDSM. As much as it pains Me to say it, I think it would end. Most of what I have with My submissive is built on the kink/BDSM/dynamic foundation. Take it away and I don't know if the relationship would survive.

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