When should I start being strict?

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When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 11:41:55 AM

Themaster1191

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I'm very strict by nature, but obviously can't stop off being a cunt and prick straight away. How long into the relationship does a slave starts feeling comfortable after which I can start being strict?

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 11:48:59 AM

OsideGirl

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It may shock you to find out that not every woman is the same. So, the correct answer is.....whenever she is ready. It could be 5 minutes, it could be 5 months.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 11:51:27 AM

myotherself

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I don't understand why being strict makes you a cunt or a prick?

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RE: When should I start being strict?uest - 1/14/2014 11:51:39 AM

Blonderfluff

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It is good that you know you can't start off a new relationship expecting abject obedience. The dynamic will build as trust and confidence in each other grows. I would say that you should trust your instincts. Be very aware of her, and her reactions to you. Pay attention. Talk. And talk some more. Talk a LOT.

I know that for me, my submission always grows as intimacy is developed. I think if you are self aware enough to have asked this question, you will be fine listening to your gut.

I would also just throw out there, don't compromise who you are while you are getting there. Stay confident. Try and maintain that "take charge" attitude that makes most of us s types melt. You can be Dominant in the relationship long before you begin being strict. Remember, we want you to be in charge! Just don't order us to our knees in worship on the 1st date.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 1:00:24 PM

MissKittyDeVine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I don't understand why being strict makes you a cunt or a prick?

Or indeed, why a dom/me has to be a prick.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 1:14:11 PM

orgasmdenial12

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You know, I tend to like them to start as they mean to go on. Yes, of course, things escalate as you get more into it and get to know each other better, but if you pretend to be one person to woo her, and then turn into a completely different person afterwards, she may feel cheated and deceived.

Be yourself, just be the less bossy version of yourself while you figure out if she wants that.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 1:25:42 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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Welcome to the discussion side. I most strongly suggest you learn a *lot* more about what you're doing before you embark on a real time relationship.

This is a great place to learn. The top of the general BDSM forum has a sticky with a book list, you could start there, there's also tons of threads to read.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 1:28:40 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I don't understand why being strict makes you a cunt or a prick?

Or indeed, why a dom/me has to be a prick.

I've never understood how some people equate being an asshole with being dominant.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 2:12:54 PM

evesgrden

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Themaster1191

I'm very strict by nature, but obviously can't stop off being a cunt and prick straight away. How long into the relationship does a slave starts feeling comfortable after which I can start being strict?

Be strict and clear about what you expect right from the beginning. You'll likely expand the list of things about which you are strict, you may raise your standards, be more exacting, intensify consequences if you have a punishment dynamic and so forth as time goes on. You might just start out with verbal corrections for transgressions, but be consistent about your expectations.

See my tag line :)
(which also happens to apply to submissives).

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RE: When should I start being strict?uest - 1/14/2014 5:16:35 PM

MisterP61

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

It is good that you know you can't start off a new relationship expecting abject obedience. The dynamic will build as trust and confidence in each other grows. I would say that you should trust your instincts. Be very aware of her, and her reactions to you. Pay attention. Talk. And talk some more. Talk a LOT.

I know that for me, my submission always grows as intimacy is developed. I think if you are self aware enough to have asked this question, you will be fine listening to your gut.

I would also just throw out there, don't compromise who you are while you are getting there. Stay confident. Try and maintain that "take charge" attitude that makes most of us s types melt. You can be Dominant in the relationship long before you begin being strict. Remember, we want you to be in charge! Just don't order us to our knees in worship on the 1st date.

^^^^^^^ This!!!! Nuff said.

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RE: When should I start being strict?uest - 1/14/2014 5:37:36 PM

TieMeInKnottss

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It is a lot like being an employer or supervisor...you establish the rules, the first time they are broken...you discuss why...if there was a misunderstanding....second time-lower the boom!

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 5:44:02 PM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

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COMMUNICATE.
Depending on your sub's threshold for pain or humiliation, it may be a lonnnng time...or it might be right away. The only way you can know this is to COMMUNICATE...not with us...but with your sub. Too soon or severe and you could cause TRAUMA, and then you wouldn't be a Dominant, you'd be an ABUSER.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Themaster1191

I'm very strict by nature, but obviously can't stop off being a cunt and prick straight away. How long into the relationship does a slave starts feeling comfortable after which I can start being strict?

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 6:09:07 PM

DarkSteven

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I'd argue that once the two of you have agreed on a D/s relationship, you can impose rules but not before. The huge question, of course, is when the proper time is for a relationship.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 6:16:59 PM

kiwisub12

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My late dom basically told me his vision for a D/s relationship right off the get-go. He told me his rules so that I could decide if these were things I could comply with since they were the things he needed in a relationship.
The first time I met him at his house, he started outlining the things I would need to do - and I went right along with it.

He wasn't an asshole, he was just so matter of fact, and that is how I took it.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 9:32:04 PM

DesFIP

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Stop being a prick.
Be honest about being very picky.
Learn how to teach people how to succeed so you don't wind up in this situation. Because there's no reason for you to suddenly become an abusive asshole if you know how to inspire submission, know how to teach and how long it takes for people to develop new habits.

Instead of setting her up to fail, learn how to make it a win/win situation.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/14/2014 11:13:16 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Themaster1191

I'm very strict by nature, but obviously can't stop off being a cunt and prick straight away. How long into the relationship does a slave starts feeling comfortable after which I can start being strict?

First off, I'm going to assume you don't intend to be a cunt or a prick EVER, because that's the relationship death sentence right there.

I think you should begin being strict as soon as you agree that he/she will submit to you.

By 'strict' I mean that your standards are high, your expectations are clear and your behaviour is consistent - you don't let things slide or half-ass it. I don't mean that you should jump right it with a list of million rules or introduce severe punishments from day one.

Pick one rule - something that actually means something to you. Make sure the sub is absolutely clear on what it means and how to do it. Discuss any exceptions or 'what ifs'. Try it. Notice any transgressions - pull him/her up on it, ask why it happened, see if anything needs to be done to fix it. If there are consequences (there may not be immediately, beyond a gentle reminder) they should be proportionate and fair. After a while, review it together - is it realistic for you both? Is it useful? Does it need to be changed or scrapped? If not, you can add rule number 2.

This way you get to start as you mean to go on - strict and firm - but without overwhelming the sub with a million changes at once or jumping right in at the deep end making huge life changes. The communication will show you are reasonable and sensible, and as such, worth following. Trust will grow.

Edit:

quote:

ORIGINAL: MAINEiacMISTRESS

COMMUNICATE.
Depending on your sub's threshold for pain or humiliation, it may be a lonnnng time...or it might be right away. The only way you can know this is to COMMUNICATE...not with us...but with your sub. Too soon or severe and you could cause TRAUMA, and then you wouldn't be a Dominant, you'd be an ABUSER.

While I can't argue with 'communicate' I don't see that the threshold for pain or humiliation needs to come into it. My employers were extremely strict from day one, but at no point were any of us in pain, humiliated or traumatized by any disciplinary action. Being strict doesn't have to equal painful or humiliating punishments or consequences.

< Message edited by AthenaSurrenders -- 1/14/2014 11:15:03 PM >

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/15/2014 1:08:42 AM

sexyred1

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Who wants a guy who sees dominance as being a cunt or a prick?

Sounds red flag-ish to me.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/15/2014 4:02:27 AM

kiwisub12

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The first thing my dom showed me was how he liked his coffee made, and presented. It took me about five minutes to "get" it, and we went on from there.
All I required was clear instruction, so I knew exactly what he wanted.
He didn't have a punishment dynamic, so he wasn't waiting to jump on me so he could wreck his evil way on me, so typically he was clear and consistent - he wanted obedience and things to be done his way. He listened to what I had to say, and depending on how he felt about it, he incorporated my input or not.

It was really like a vanilla relationship in that we communicated our likes and dislikes. It was just that his took priority over mine- and that was ok with me.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/15/2014 4:25:17 PM

DesFIP

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The first thing The Man taught me was how he likes his tea. But I would see him once a month and during that month I probably made 60 cups of tea with milk, instead of without. So occasionally, I made a mistake and poured milk in his tea as well as mine. His response wasn't to scream at me or hit me. It was just to say "Hey, this has milk. Make me a new cup without". Which I did.

No fuss, no muss. No being a prick which would have just made me decided he wasn't a good guy and I wouldn't want to see him again. Just a simple calling my attention to the problem and a straightforward consequence of having to make a second cup for him.

I'm getting the feeling the op's never been in a power relationship and doesn't have a history of any successful relationships. D/s is not an excuse to not learn communication and relationship skills.

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RE: When should I start being strict? - 1/15/2014 7:11:31 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

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The when depends entirely on the sub.

To make an analogy to fishing, you have to learn when the fish is just bumping the bait or is actually taking it before you set the hook.

Less analogy, more realism: On a first date one girl I met from here insisted she was a sub when I told her she was a slave. I said, "Do the hokey-pokey for me while I think about it."

She started dancing the hokey-pokey and only then asked why she was doing it.

"Because you are a slave."

Back to the analogy: this takes a bit of experience to learn. If you try to set the hook to early the fish gets away. If you wait to long it swallows the hook and you have to rip its insides out to get the hook back. It takes finesse, experience and a whole lot of intuition to understand where the point is that you can just set the hook.

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