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RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/1/2014 9:16:39 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

To me, legal marriage would complicate things and morally require me to conduct myself differently than I do. I like the way things are now, so I don't change it. Sound familiar?

I guess I'm confused. How does marriage complicate thing and morally require yourself to act differently than you do now? You don't have to answer if it's too personal. I just find this very confusing. I've been married and I don't think I acted any differently and life was actually easier being married. Now once I had a child, THAT changed how I acted.

Traditional marriage is a beautiful concept; I did it twice but found the cost-to-benefit ratio emotionally and financially was not worth it to me. That piece of paper did not make me or the husbands involved stay together.

Now I have 2 long-term (15 years+) partners/lifemates and my fancy-man Huck. It has so very little to do with sex these days and everything do with shared interests, balance, availability and compatibility. If I made it legal with one of them, my personal moral code would expect monogamy between him and me because I am traditional that way. I don't want to marry; they don't ask (anymore); everybody's still happily involved lo these many years later.

Legal marriage also complicates the coming together (and potential parting re-division) of two long- and well-established estates. No thanks. What's theirs is theirs, what's mine is mine, what we choose to share together is ours. We'd rather spend the money/time on treating each other because it's fun, not because an expensive lawyer checked the 'married' box when we do our living trusts or decide it's best we part.

So three men have been happy with our situation for a long time, and I smile ALL the time, not just in the beginning of a relationship when everything is new, shiny, and nobody burps or farts.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 2/1/2014 9:48:50 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 21

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 7:10:45 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

Would you, as the Dominant partner in the relationship, have a problem with your sub or slave providing that kind of support to you? If you kept you financial matters apart from each other....would you have a problem asking her to lend you money?

No. We are two in a trusting partnership and I can ask her anything and she also of me.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 22

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 8:23:29 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You didn't want a big wedding, you didn't want an engagement ring.

What I'm hearing here is all about what you wanted. Not what he did.

Men tend to be more romantic than women, so I can easily see him not wanting to get married simply because you wanted to put him on your insurance. Yes it was kind and caring of you, but obviously he took it differently.

And yes, when men become unemployed rates of alcoholism and abuse go up. Sexual difficulties are often a consequence of this. So him punching the walls is perfectly normal. What you need to worry about for the future is that the communication between you is superior to what it was in this relationship. Because he wasn't talking to you, he didn't feel safe sharing his insecurities and worries.

And as I said, although we're a team, he is a lot happier when I am depending on him instead of when he's depending on me.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 23

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 9:00:04 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
So when he first told me about the liklihood of losing his job, I immediately said "Well....we've talked about getting married, and I know we weren't planning on doing it for a couple more years, but you know, if we get married, at least I will be able to put you on my medical and dental coverage....and it will only cost me an extra $70 a month.

This is a small thing that probably wouldn't have helped by itself, but it might indicate a big-picture approach you could have taken, or could take in the future.

Instead of what I quoted, you could have said, "The situation you're facing is really making me think about the future. Today, it's my insurance that might be good for you. But what about in five years? You'll have a better job by then, and maybe I'll be the one laid off. Or maybe one of us is in a car accident, but we don't have hospital visitation for each other. Could you propose to me please? It would make things easier now, and it would protect me in the future."

That way, he's helping you, too. And it isn't so much that you're helping him, but rather that you are both helping the team.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 24

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 11:45:07 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
So when he first told me about the liklihood of losing his job, I immediately said "Well....we've talked about getting married, and I know we weren't planning on doing it for a couple more years, but you know, if we get married, at least I will be able to put you on my medical and dental coverage....and it will only cost me an extra $70 a month.

This is a small thing that probably wouldn't have helped by itself, but it might indicate a big-picture approach you could have taken, or could take in the future.

Instead of what I quoted, you could have said, "The situation you're facing is really making me think about the future. Today, it's my insurance that might be good for you. But what about in five years? You'll have a better job by then, and maybe I'll be the one laid off. Or maybe one of us is in a car accident, but we don't have hospital visitation for each other. Could you propose to me please? It would make things easier now, and it would protect me in the future."

That way, he's helping you, too. And it isn't so much that you're helping him, but rather that you are both helping the team.

Well....my job is pretty solid....really. My office is not going out of business anytime in my lifetime....as long as other people need jobs, I'll have a job.

But....he was already "helping" me in that manner....and had been for those past 9 years. When I first met him I was living with my mother because I was making about 60% of what I'm making now. The entire time that I lived with him I depended on him as my primary mode of transportation because I also did not have my driver's license. Because I wasn't able to drive, it was very rare that I went anywhere without him. If he didn't already feel like he had been "helping" me for those entire 9 years.....I don't know any other way I could have shown him that.

And...while I didn't say to him "Or maybe one of us is in a car accident, but we don't have hospital visitation for each other. Could you propose to me please? It would make things easier now, and it would protect me in the future." at the time I suggested we get married, those exact topics WERE discussed when we initially talked about getting married a few years earlier. I really didn't think I needed to repeat myself all over again.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 25

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 1:34:33 PM

RC21

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/5/2014
Status: offline

This is just me, but I would not marry you for such a reason. And when put like that, it would become the main reason not to get married. Yes, I wouldn't ask for help. Because I have sort of a traditional mindset, where the man should be the stronger one and needs to take care of the woman and such... Having trouble at work or any other situation I would keep out or at least try to keep out of the home. At home, I'm there for her and she gets my full attention. I don't want to be the needy one... I want to be the needed one...

What I'm curious about is, why think about it now when you say the relationship was from 2000-2010 ?

< Message edited by RC21 -- 2/2/2014 1:40:00 PM >

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 26

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 1:36:32 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

FR

He doesn't want to marry you. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you, or that he doesn't love you. But he doesn't want to marry you right now.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to RC21)

Post #: 27

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 2:00:33 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RC21

This is just me, but I would not marry you for such a reason. And when put like that, it would become the main reason not to get married. Yes, I wouldn't ask for help. Because I have sort of a traditional mindset, where the man should be the stronger one and needs to take care of the woman and such... Having trouble at work or any other situation I would keep out or at least try to keep out of the home. At home, I'm there for her and she gets my full attention. I don't want to be the needy one... I want to be the needed one...

What I'm curious about is, why think about it now when you say the relationship was from 2000-2010 ?

I asked the question because I was curious about what most men thought and I was wondering how they would have handled such a situation. I'm curious to know in case I ever find myself in a similar situation again. Would it be better to offer my help to him because I care about him and I don't want to see him fall apart completely? Or is it more important to not bruise his ego even though it's going to break my heart to watch him lose everything?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to RC21)

Post #: 28

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 2:15:32 PM

RC21

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/5/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

quote:

ORIGINAL: RC21

This is just me, but I would not marry you for such a reason. And when put like that, it would become the main reason not to get married. Yes, I wouldn't ask for help. Because I have sort of a traditional mindset, where the man should be the stronger one and needs to take care of the woman and such... Having trouble at work or any other situation I would keep out or at least try to keep out of the home. At home, I'm there for her and she gets my full attention. I don't want to be the needy one... I want to be the needed one...

What I'm curious about is, why think about it now when you say the relationship was from 2000-2010 ?

I asked the question because I was curious about what most men thought and I was wondering how they would have handled such a situation. I'm curious to know in case I ever find myself in a similar situation again. Would it be better to offer my help to him because I care about him and I don't want to see him fall apart completely? Or is it more important to not bruise his ego even though it's going to break my heart to watch him lose everything?

I guess it depends on the type of guy, but for me coming up with a 'solution' of marriage would only add another problem. Just saying 'Let me know if there is anything I can do to help or you want to talk about it' would be enough to know you are there for me. While still leaving the decision making and such with me...
If that decision happens to be asking you for any suggestions, the path has been cleared...

Sometimes a situation is just not yours to handle, and you just have to let it play out.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 29

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/2/2014 8:59:44 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

Would it be better to offer my help to him because I care about him and I don't want to see him fall apart completely?

What does your heart tell you to do? I am confident your heart will tell you not to see him fall apart and he will be strong enough to accept the help.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 30

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/3/2014 3:56:11 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RC21

I guess it depends on the type of guy, but for me coming up with a 'solution' of marriage would only add another problem. Just saying 'Let me know if there is anything I can do to help or you want to talk about it' would be enough to know you are there for me. While still leaving the decision making and such with me...
If that decision happens to be asking you for any suggestions, the path has been cleared...

Sometimes a situation is just not yours to handle, and you just have to let it play out.

Yep.....I let it play out and he spiraled out of control and totally fell apart.....so I left. As much as I didn't want to leave...it was eventually my only option.

< Message edited by smileforme50 -- 2/3/2014 3:58:33 AM >

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to RC21)

Post #: 31

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/3/2014 1:18:17 PM

DomDolf

Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline

A lot of men have a hard time asking for help. Losing a job is one of the most stressful experiences a man can experience in life. So is divorce/loss of a significant relationship. He was likely bottling everything up, which showed itself in his outbursts. There are two things that man probably needed at that time, unconditional love and someone, besides you, to unload his fears and troubles on. Good men never want to make their women feel insecure, but they don't always understand what makes them insecure.

NOTE: Unconditional love doesn't mean staying in an abusive or unstable environment. Not that your relationship was necessarily either.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 32

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/4/2014 3:12:38 AM

areallivehuman

Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline

To quote the old Charlie Daniels song, " I ain't asking nobody for nothing, if I can't get it on my own........" I will (stubbornly) find another way around the problem .

(in reply to DomDolf)

Post #: 33

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/4/2014 7:59:39 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

To me, legal marriage would complicate things and morally require me to conduct myself differently than I do. I like the way things are now, so I don't change it. Sound familiar?

I guess I'm confused. How does marriage complicate thing and morally require yourself to act differently than you do now? You don't have to answer if it's too personal. I just find this very confusing. I've been married and I don't think I acted any differently and life was actually easier being married. Now once I had a child, THAT changed how I acted.

Traditional marriage is a beautiful concept; I did it twice but found the cost-to-benefit ratio emotionally and financially was not worth it to me. That piece of paper did not make me or the husbands involved stay together.

Now I have 2 long-term (15 years+) partners/lifemates and my fancy-man Huck. It has so very little to do with sex these days and everything do with shared interests, balance, availability and compatibility. If I made it legal with one of them, my personal moral code would expect monogamy between him and me because I am traditional that way. I don't want to marry; they don't ask (anymore); everybody's still happily involved lo these many years later.

Legal marriage also complicates the coming together (and potential parting re-division) of two long- and well-established estates. No thanks. What's theirs is theirs, what's mine is mine, what we choose to share together is ours. We'd rather spend the money/time on treating each other because it's fun, not because an expensive lawyer checked the 'married' box when we do our living trusts or decide it's best we part.

So three men have been happy with our situation for a long time, and I smile ALL the time, not just in the beginning of a relationship when everything is new, shiny, and nobody burps or farts.

I loved this! You always make me smile. Lol

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 34

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/4/2014 4:10:46 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

To quote the old Charlie Daniels song, " I ain't asking nobody for nothing, if I can't get it on my own........" I will (stubbornly) find another way around the problem .

Well that answered my question.....quite succinctly!

Although I think that philosophy is a bit of "cutting your nose off to spite your face"....IMO

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to areallivehuman)

Post #: 35

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/4/2014 4:52:17 PM

RC21

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/5/2014
Status: offline

Perhaps, but that's usually in hindsight.

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

To quote the old Charlie Daniels song, " I ain't asking nobody for nothing, if I can't get it on my own........" I will (stubbornly) find another way around the problem .

Well that answered my question.....quite succinctly!

Although I think that philosophy is a bit of "cutting your nose off to spite your face"....IMO

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 36

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/4/2014 5:19:47 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RC21

Perhaps, but that's usually in hindsight.

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

To quote the old Charlie Daniels song, " I ain't asking nobody for nothing, if I can't get it on my own........" I will (stubbornly) find another way around the problem .

Well that answered my question.....quite succinctly!

Although I think that philosophy is a bit of "cutting your nose off to spite your face"....IMO

"Hindsight"........Well, at 45 years old, I think someone should have enough experiences already behind him so they already have enough hindsight and have actually learned from those "hindsights".

Like...."Doing things all by yourself can be very difficult and if someone offers their help, it will probably make things easier if you take it"

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to RC21)

Post #: 37

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/8/2014 3:04:26 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

I want all the help a submissive (or really, any human being) can offer me, when I need it.

The key is knowing what you need, and knowing that some things can't be done on your own.

That's true for coffee, the rent, emotional stability, anything that allows another person to enter the picture, and how you deal with it. At the end of the day, you write your own social agenda.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 38

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/9/2014 8:30:51 AM

Blueswordsman

Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
Would you, as the Dominant partner in the relationship, have a problem with your sub or slave providing that kind of support to you? If you kept you financial matters apart from each other....would you have a problem asking her to lend you money?

I would never ask a sub for money, It's emasculating. If someone is a true dominant their financial life and credit should be in order.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 39

RE: Do you find it difficult to ask for help? - 2/9/2014 10:54:16 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
Would you, as the Dominant partner in the relationship, have a problem with your sub or slave providing that kind of support to you? If you kept you financial matters apart from each other....would you have a problem asking her to lend you money?

I would never ask a sub for money, It's emasculating. If someone is a true dominant their financial life and credit should be in order.

" If someone is a true dominant their financial life and credit should be in order. "

That's a lovely sentiment....but in the current economy, there is no guarantee. I know peoplel from all education, skill and income levels who have lost their jobs and had a lot of trouble finding new jobs. Very few of them found jobs where they make as much money as they did in the past. Also, a "true dominant" could become disabled and no longer be able to work. Sure....his financial life and credit might be in order at the time of his illness or injury, but it's very hard to maintain those things 10-15 years down the line after you've been unable to work for so long.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Post #: 40

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