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RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 9:19:48 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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Being on disability for mental health issues doesn't at all mean your conditions are not well managed. It means that they are severe enough to prevent you from working. I have a friend disabled due to. Mental health. Has been for quite some time (before turning 18). The reason he is unable to work is because of his anxiety issues. Severe social anxiety can be managed, but his comfort levels can be sketchy in crowds and excessively difficult talking with strangers.

Tthat doesn't mean he is non compliant with meds, it means that there are some things he cannot overcome. There have been improvement to his social anxiety, but not nearly enough for him to work full time. He also can't get a drivers license and frankly, if he did, it wouldn't be good for him. It would increase his anxiety far too much. In this area, there isn't regular public transportation, so that would present issues every day.

It is appalling that seemingly intelligent people jumpt to the conclusion that disability for mental health issues automatically means their conditions are uncontrolled. For some disability or not, their conditions are uncontrolled, but collecting disability for them doesn't mean they are. Saying and thinking so is simply ignorant.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 21

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 9:25:45 PM

Winterapple

Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline

I was involved with a bipolar man and because of that
experience it would be difficult for me to do it again.
I didn't know he was bipolar when I first became involved
with him. He was taking his meds and relatively stable
when I first began dating him. He didn't tell me about his
condition I found out about it when he went off his meds
and I witnessed him in a manic state. He thought his meds
destroyed his creativity so wouldn't stay on them.

I think someone recently diagnosed who is trying to stabilize
or hasn't been stable for very long should wait awhile before
seeking a relationship just like a addict who is newly sober
needs to put dating on the back burner til they are stronger
and healthier.

But I don't think a diagnosis of bipolar or depression means a person
can never have a sucessful relationship.I have had friends,
family members and coworkers with various mental and physical
challenges who have found partners and have stable relationships.

_____________________________

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(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 22

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 9:26:07 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

For me it doesn't mean his mental issues aren't under control with disability.It just means he would not be able to do the things I enjoy like just going out amongst crowds and just going places. I don't want to have to be worried about him freaking out and then we would have to immediately leave. I just don't have that kind of energy.

I had a friend who has awful migraines to the point that she would want to go places but then after I had just gotten into having fun she'd want to leave because she was having a terrible migraine. It was annoying as hell. Sometimes I would have to leave with her because she was my ride home but other times I would stay while she left. Or other times I would have to leave because she needed someone to help her home.

I just don't think I have that in me anymore to deal with.

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Post #: 23

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 9:33:42 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338
How would you feel about that? Would it be a game changer? These mental health issues have such a stigma it is hard to know how it can be accepted in any type of relationship.

I think it would depend on the disorder and how well it was controlled/treated. I, myself, am bipolar II ultra-rapid-cycling & I also have occasional panic attacks. BUT, my bipolar and anxiety are well-controlled and have been for many years to the point where people I know are shocked to find out that I have those disorders at all. Still, I'm not going to hide the fact from someone I'm really interested in. That would be dishonest.

I would take into consideration whether or not the person's mental illness is well-controlled with medication and whether the person is in the habit of stopping his meds on his own and going off the deep end. I know some people, myself included, that have disorders that are well-controlled on meds to the point that no one would even know the disorders are present. And I also know people with disorders who are absolute basket cases & train wrecks I try to stay far far away from.

I know I'd want to get to know him WAY more BEFORE getting really involved. By the same token, I'm not going to feel badly toward anyone who wants to take a lot more time getting to know me because of my disorders, or even someone who opts out of getting together with me because of my bipolar/anxiety. I might feel bad for awhile, but not toward them. Everyone has a right to his/her own preferences.

NBMG

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Post #: 24

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 9:42:59 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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Yes, it would obviously be a game changer. Either way, life is going to different than if they didn't have a disorder. Whether or not it means they are desirable as a partner depends on if they are functional and what the trade off for maintenance is. Medicines, doctors visits . . . no problem. Psychotic episodes that land them in the hospital or jail every few months is another story.

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Post #: 25

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 10:05:21 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
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Fr
I wouldn't engage in a power exchange relationship with a man who had a psychiatric or emotional disorder. Friendships, no problem.

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Post #: 26

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 10:19:58 PM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

I have first-hand experience in dealing with someone with a mental condition and in a D/s relationship. The woman who bore my daughter suffered from undiagnosed bi-polar disorder during our short (~3month) relationship. I won't repeat what I said here before verbatim, but I was too young and dumb to realize what the issue was until long after we went our separate ways.

Older and wiser, I'd agree with 'it depends on the person', but I'd definitely think about it with my big brain a lot before taking the plunge. As I said, I was too young and inexperienced to know she was ill, because when she was 'up', it rocked. But when she was 'down', she was nasty, ill-tempered, and prone to sudden violent outbursts over the stupidest things. I didn't help matters much, because sometimes I'd provide the triggers trying to settle her down.

After she had my (our) daughter, she finally got proper treatment for it, and as far as I know, she's doing all right. My 'little bird' who lives near them hasn't mentioned anything happening, so I can only assume it's managed properly.

P.S. And before you wag your fingers at me, it's a mutual friend who occasionally give me little tidbits when he finds out himself, such as that I'm gonna be a grandpa for the third time this fall. I take what I can get when I can get it, so there.

< Message edited by MasterCaneman -- 2/7/2014 10:20:05 PM >

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Post #: 27

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 10:20:31 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

And what about health issues? Are you damaged goods if you have, say cancer?

I don't expect strangers to want to meet me now with this disease. I would expect someone who was already with me to stay.

It's not mental illness, but it's a serious illness.

I am still the wonderful woman I have always been, but now I have to fight this thing.

Same with mental illness. You have to fight and control it.

If someone was doing that, I might be able to deal. I would see them as having a chronic illness that is managed, just like cancer.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/7/2014 10:21:16 PM >

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 28

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 10:36:19 PM

DomDolf

Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline

It's ugly, but yes, they would be a game changer. In particular, bi-polar. I have seen the extremes of the illness, which at times led to death. If it has a person disabled to the point that they cannot work I consider it extreme.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 29

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 11:09:35 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

Thanks for everyone's input.

The whole thing about being diagnosed bipolar and seeing the doc and taking my meds.....I feel more normal now than I have many many years. My doc actually calls me high functioning.

I have bad days just like everyone else. If I cry or get frustrated, it's not always the bipolar. It's called life. It's like most people blame the bipolar for any emotions and that's not so.

So it's a stigma to work around. I'm not going to feel like life is over or there is no future relationships. I am actually very fortunate compared to some with this disorder. I have everything I need and live alone and have family and friends that are a big support.

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Post #: 30

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 11:40:48 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Lw, that's my point, that the disability doesn't mean it isn't controllled. The implication made by others. Is that mental illness is only disabling if you are ptoperly medicated.and that's ignorant bullshit.

As sexyred said, what about other disabling diseases? I have a back injury, so I'm not a good match for someone who wants to hike every weekend. That doesn't mean my injury is improperly managed, it means there are limits to what I can do.

Back to lw, this person is a friend, and if we go places together, he always carries his anxiety medicine and I do have to watch for if the anxiety is rising. Would I take him to a rock concert or nightclub? Hell no. But he also knows his limitations and wouldn't go anyway.

I'm really just amazed that people are so ignorant that they basically think someone getting disability for mental health issues either can manage their illness or is playing the system because they aren't working.

That is completely different than saying you don't want to have a relationship with someone who has those issue, just like any other preference.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 31

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/7/2014 11:59:40 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
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This is a subject I'm wondering if I should even touch on (ending with a preposition again, yes).
I love someone very much who is suffering from what I believe to be ptsd. It was a game changer for me, at first (because I didn't know wtf was going on).
This is a side of me I really don't like to show but I suppose internet anonymity makes it copacetic.
It was one of the most difficult experiences I have ever dealt with literally in my entire life, (and my mom left when i was 4) so yea, LOL.
If you love someone, I believe they might be the most annoying asshole on the planet (perhaps due to illness or simply being an annoying asshole) but they are still worth it.
If you love someone, you absolutely don't give up on them as easily as you would the "normies" (Sorry if that sounded categorically crude but ah well).
If his beautiful spirit lights up a room as well as his sad beautiful eyes, it's totally and completely worth it. Why does the protagonist's eyes have to be so sad and beautiful and amazing though? You assholes who govern the universe!
OK, wtf just happened? LOL
I was responding to a blog post and then....blurrrrr......LOL
*Checks myself into a nearby clinic*

_____________________________

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http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 32

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 5:31:33 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

FR

This is a really interesting, and tough, question.

I can't honestly say whether or not it would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be glad they had told me up front. I think it would come down to my overall impression. Diagnosis and treatment are a big plus. A pro-active attitude to getting/staying well would be a big plus. On the other hand, I have to admit that I don't know if I have the strength to be with someone who has severe episodes - I don't want to wonder if you're late because of the traffic or if I'm going to get a call from the police or the hospital in a few hours.

I have small children, so my tolerance for the amount of disruption I would allow in my life is lower than it might otherwise be. You can't take so many chances on a person when someone else is depending on you.

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Post #: 33

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 5:40:52 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

FR

We still harbor extreme prejudice towards those with any mental illness, controlled or not.

I have stated on many occasions on this board that I've been in therapy on and off for years, that's I'm prone to depression, and that I have a past that is not conducive to being great relationship material.

In my strongest opinion, it's not the illness that is the issue, but what you do with it. Have you resolved it? Are you being properly medicated? Have you found a good therapist?

Having a mental issue would *not* be a deal breaker for me. Not being willing to resolve the issue would be. Though to be honest I must admit at my age there is a distinct limit to how much drama I'm willing to be drawn into.

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Post #: 34

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 5:47:20 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

It is appalling that seemingly intelligent people jumpt to the conclusion that disability for mental health issues automatically means their conditions are uncontrolled. For some disability or not, their conditions are uncontrolled, but collecting disability for them doesn't mean they are. Saying and thinking so is simply ignorant.

Well if it's controlled, and they can function, why are they on disability?

If you CAN work, and you choose not to, that's fine, but why should you get paid?

I'll admit I'm not familiar with disability claims, but wow.

_____________________________

HBIC

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Post #: 35

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 6:17:51 AM

evesgrden

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Being on disability for mental health issues doesn't at all mean your conditions are not well managed. It means that they are severe enough to prevent you from working. I have a friend disabled due to. Mental health. Has been for quite some time (before turning 18). The reason he is unable to work is because of his anxiety issues. Severe social anxiety can be managed, but his comfort levels can be sketchy in crowds and excessively difficult talking with strangers.

Tthat doesn't mean he is non compliant with meds, it means that there are some things he cannot overcome. There have been improvement to his social anxiety, but not nearly enough for him to work full time. He also can't get a drivers license and frankly, if he did, it wouldn't be good for him. It would increase his anxiety far too much. In this area, there isn't regular public transportation, so that would present issues every day.

It is appalling that seemingly intelligent people jumpt to the conclusion that disability for mental health issues automatically means their conditions are uncontrolled. For some disability or not, their conditions are uncontrolled, but collecting disability for them doesn't mean they are. Saying and thinking so is simply ignorant.

For me, behavior is everything. Do they behave in a way in which I am compatible? I could care less about a given diagnosis unless it has an implication for treatment. All too often someone will say "well he/she is (insert dsm fave of choice here) and then you get a bunch of nodding heads and beard stroking as if it explains (translation: justifies) maladaptive behavior.

You can feel depressed, anxious, morose, hyper, agitated, exhausted, angry, confused and so on BUT....you cannot be a prick to people. Nope. Not acceptable, not if you want me in your life. There's how you feel, and there's what you do with those feelings.

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What you permit, you promote.

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Post #: 36

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 7:25:18 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
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My best friend is diagnosed bipolar and it seems to of taken forever for her to find the right drugs to stabilize her. Interestingly, she always says, she has a love hate relationship with her bi-polar but wouldn't choose to be any other way. She's an artist and does some of her best work when manic and her poetry is quite beautiful when she hits that dark place.

I was with a fem sub for eight months when I heard her talking to my male sub in the kitchen. She was telling him she had forgotten her bipolar meds and hadn't in fact taken them for 2 months. She was hitting a low and I was lost as what to do. The fact that she had decided not to tell me brought our relationship into question and added to that was her mismanagement of the drugs. Approaching her and demanding she come clean with me was in fact enough to have her storming out on me.

Yes I would take on someone with bipolar, depression, ptsd, schizophrenia (though I would draw the line at violent schizophrenia) so long as they were forthcoming about their condition and so long as they regularly took their meds. The way I look at mental illness is, today its you, tomorrow it could be me. Mental illness isn't full of negatives, my best friend who is a delightful, funny, intelligent, sometimes manic, sometimes moody woman, has proved that time and time again.

What I wouldn't be prepared to do is have a full on S/m relationship with such a person. I'm fairly extreme and it wouldn't be good for either of us. I would however, consider such a person for a D/s relationship.

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Post #: 37

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 8:07:00 AM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

Well if it's controlled, and they can function, why are they on disability?

I can only speak for myself but my doctor says common stressors in life like work, commutes, social contact, etc. are handled differently by people with mental health issues than the average bear. Meds help but they do not cure.

This thread is a perfect example. Many have said they would not have a relationship with someone who has mental health issues. Why should having a job be any different?

quote:

If you CAN work, and you choose not to, that's fine, but why should you get paid?

The money you get paid for disability is money you have earned working through the years. Everyone in the USA that has worked has money set aside by the government for disability.

quote:

I'll admit I'm not familiar with disability claims, but wow.

I'm not too up on disability either. No one was more surprised than me when I was approved.

What I do find interesting is that mental health issues are more likely to get you on disability than other disabilites. For example a friend of mine had a back injury from a car wreck and it took him a year and a half to get disabilty. He actually ended up getting it for depression. It took me 5 months to get mine.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

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Post #: 38

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 9:14:08 AM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

FR

This is a really interesting, and tough, question.

I can't honestly say whether or not it would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be glad they had told me up front. I think it would come down to my overall impression. Diagnosis and treatment are a big plus. A pro-active attitude to getting/staying well would be a big plus. On the other hand, I have to admit that I don't know if I have the strength to be with someone who has severe episodes - I don't want to wonder if you're late because of the traffic or if I'm going to get a call from the police or the hospital in a few hours.

I have small children, so my tolerance for the amount of disruption I would allow in my life is lower than it might otherwise be. You can't take so many chances on a person when someone else is depending on you.

Athena, you brought up such a good point and you know, the best thing about this blog is getting different perspectives of these things.
And yes, you are so right about the "traffic or...", I had those moments myself and it's worse if the person is a poor communicator and if friends are oblivious to the problem because they suppress it for so long and so well. One of his friends even thought I was trying to villainize him post breakup when I tried to encourage others to help him, he's just an incredibly likable creature. Funny, charismatic...the works.
I know my life even as just a friend to him is going to be an uphill battle, and I'm doing it solo though he is extremely extroverted and good looking and has a litmus of friends who worship, adore him and think his life is nothing short of perfect.
There are many compounding factors that make it difficult,(his friends are just one example of how he can be influenced in bad decision making because of their yes men attitude) and I am one of the strongest people I know.
However, I kind of already know that without me he'd be lost so I have to be there for him and maybe I want to be there for him, I thought for a long time I was completely in love with him. And because I do care about him very deeply, even if therapy (which I finally convinced him to go to) does help, I just want to be there to hold his hand every step of the way.
I have LLI which is "low latent inhibition". It causes you to see details, deceptions etc that most people miss (just one symptom).
Yet he was able to keep his issues hidden from even me for about 6 months. That is a little scary, but he really is afraid of "what people think" to the point of feigning perfection. He's that guy EVERYONE wants to be among his friends (usually).
He is actually on this site as a member too, and won't tell me his name, LOL. Just kind of always checking in on me somehow, scared I'll get back into my domming ways and almost did, in fact I took ownership of a slave recently. We met, he kissed the underside of my boot, yadda yadda. I like him very much as a sub, and I'm still on the fence about keeping him since I am a serial monogamist and because both my (kind of) ex and I are extremely possessive, which works for us, LOL.
But yea, he is actually my first and only Dom and it was his first time embracing such a role with me though he has no shortage of groupie girls. :)
Apart from him, I only had one vanilla relationship uhm....11 and a half years ago, MANY first dates, extreme few second. And everything else for me as far as men go has been lifestyle and I am famous for saying "I don't lay with my subs as a woman lays with a man".
So yea, he's kind of huge deal, my proverbial needle (bad analogy?) in a haystack. :)

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 39

RE: Mental Health and D/s relationships - 2/8/2014 10:23:27 AM

nyx84

Posts: 29
Joined: 1/8/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

The money you get paid for disability is money you have earned working through the years. Everyone in the USA that has worked has money set aside by the government for disability.

Not the case in the UK you can get disability without ever having worked

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 40

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