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Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 8:56:51 AM   
kimmysue


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/20/2006
Status: offline 		I have recently met a Dom that is pretty local to me.  He claims that he doesn't have time for a "relationship" however, would like to enjoy the "perks" of a "no strings D/s friendship".  I was wondering if there are experienced Doms here that would help me through this.  He has stated that he doesn't "enter" a submissive until she is owned by Him.  He is upfront about things, I appreciate that, but...I also know what I want/need.  I love being around Him & talking toHim online...I just wish it could be more.  I would appreciate A/anyone's input, maybe it will help me think better.  Also,  How do you view sex in relation to BDSM? Do you combine both? Is BDSM the foreplay and sex the dessert to your playtime? Are you the kind to engage in BDSM play and have no sexual contact (ie: intercourse or
oral sex) to end it?

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 9:09:40 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kimmysue

I have recently met a Dom that is pretty local to me.  He claims that he doesn't have time for a "relationship" however, would like to enjoy the "perks" of a "no strings D/s friendship".  I was wondering if there are experienced Doms here that would help me through this.  He has stated that he doesn't "enter" a submissive until she is owned by Him.  He is upfront about things, I appreciate that, but...I also know what I want/need.  I love being around Him & talking toHim online...I just wish it could be more.  I would appreciate A/anyone's input, maybe it will help me think better.  Also,  How do you view sex in relation to BDSM? Do you combine both? Is BDSM the foreplay and sex the dessert to your playtime? Are you the kind to engage in BDSM play and have no sexual contact (ie: intercourse or
oral sex) to end it?




Ok, I just read your post and I think you answered the most important question to you in the body of the post. He wants a friendship only, you want more, it probably will not happen because he has stated what he wants and it isn't what you want. Ignore what he has told you for what you wish he had told you, but that will not get you any further with him. If you can handle just a friendship with him, enjoy that friendship and expect not a hair more.

As to the rest of your questions, well everyone is different in how they view play, so I do not think it will illuminate what this Dom thinks or feels about it. The most important question is how do YOU feel about it. If it were me and I heard someone say the things to me that he has to you that would put him in the "just friends" category.... and I would seek dates elsewhere. Who knows,, perhaps in time his situation and his desires for a relationship might change.

Personally I think almost everyone would change the "I am not looking for a relationship" into wanting one if they found the right person for them. If someone said that to me I would take that to mean they were not looking for a relationship with me.... ever. But that is just me and I could be wrong.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 9:25:34 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kimmysue

I have recently met a Dom that is pretty local to me.  He claims that he doesn't have time for a "relationship" however, would like to enjoy the "perks" of a "no strings D/s friendship". 

How do you view sex in relation to BDSM? Do you combine both? Is BDSM the foreplay and sex the dessert to your playtime? Are you the kind to engage in BDSM play and have no sexual contact (ie: intercourse or
oral sex) to end it?




Greetings kimmy,

I will be blunt and say things from my heart and in my eyes.

The first thing of your post would be flashing red lights above my head.  It will be just flashing...casual...just be there for the sex.  I have not heard what he ahs to say...but when someone says something like that...just casual flinging...not what I really tend to have anyone do to start in a BDSM relationship.  In the long run, you will get hurt..because you wanted more, and He would have gotten what He wanted and just left.  He informs you that He does not enter until He owns them...as in enter any hole...or just sexually...a big difference there.

The second part of the post.

It is just icing on the cake.  I mean not everytime I would have the sex part, but to just Master the female.  Anyone can Master/Dom the physical aspect, but start doing the mind, then doing the body, and the sex last.  Some sessions have not had sex, bondage galore, but no sex, and sheesh I am very sexual.  Sometimes you just have to Master more than the sub/slave, you have to Master yourself.  It might sound strange and stupid, but then that is how I live. 

I just might want to have the slave kneel before me and massage her neck and shoulders, after a hard day, then go to sleep.  That is me, just me.  Everyone is different...that is what my mum says.....chuckles.

Be well and take care.

Master Frank Ar.

< Message edited by FrankAr -- 7/6/2006 9:26:03 AM >

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 10:41:25 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

I just wish it could be more. 


If you want more, then it looks like you're going to have to find another guy, unless you prefer to drive yourself nuts clinging to this one after he's already told you that's not what you're going to get.

quote:

Also,  How do you view sex in relation to BDSM? Do you combine both? Is BDSM the foreplay and sex the dessert to your playtime? Are you the kind to engage in BDSM play and have no sexual contact (ie: intercourse or oral sex) to end it?

You are going to get answers to this that are all over the map, so if you're hoping to discover the "norm" about all you'll learn is that there isn't one. It would probably be a lot more useful if you understood how YOU view it and then try to get involved with someone who is on the same page.

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 3:10:38 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kimmysue

I have recently met a Dom that is pretty local to me.  He claims that he doesn't have time for a "relationship" however, would like to enjoy the "perks" of a "no strings D/s friendship". 


Okay, speaking from experience...Been there, the t-shirt fits poorly.

Now, I'm going to say something here that's likely going to get me flamed. ::sigh::

When I hear this attitude, I think lazy and selfish. They want all the fun of ordering someone to fulfill all their fantasies, and none of the responsibility.

Don't be surprised if they "dont do aftercare", are not available when you need them, and only call you when it's time for them to get their rocks off again.

I realize there are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part I've found that such propositions usually end up being nothing more than casual sex with a little spanking for show. (Oh, and oral worship...go figure...there's ALWAYS that. LOL)
 
They also usually end up disappearing after a few scenes.

My advice to you is this: If anyone tells you they don't want a relationship, take it as a gospel unchanging truth. If you don't you run a high risk of heartbreak.

I could be wrong about this individual, but, all in all, only you can decide if the risk is worth it.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 3:16:55 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		Oh, and another thing to consider...I have run into guite a few of these people months later, only to find they are happily in relationships, or married.

"No time for a relationship" is a common euphamism for "Already Married", or "Not that into YOU, but wouldn't turn down an opportunity for sex."

Be prepared.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 3:34:57 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I haven't got time for a relationship with you either, but I do need my cock sucked pretty badly, so a little travel, a little perking, a little this, a little that.......

What are you looking for?  Do not, for any reason become awash.....I am going to guess at your age, you already know how to do it wrong, right? So............


If you do, you can come here; think of the adventure!!!!

Ron

(p.s. will someone translate if she gets pissed off?  I have been pretty unintelligible lately...)


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 3:37:31 PM   
Contesaluv


Posts: 173
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Wow!  Wide open questions.  You're gonna get many responses and each will be coming from the respondents point of view.

So, here's mine.  Why would you settle for something that is less that what you feel you desire and/or need.

When I look for a male submissive/slave, I do look for certain things and it does take time however, if they have already expressed things that are not in alignment with what I'm looking for at the very beginning, then I keep moving on to the next one.  There are some things that I can forego but there are those that I have consciously chosen and decided are important enough for me not to forego.

Life is too short to mess around with spending energy on something that doesn't fulfill you in the ways you desire and/or need.  Find the right master and life will be a blast.  DON'T SETTLE! 

Now, if you're just looking to play, you can just play with this one while you continue your search but I would caution you to not let your emotions get you tangled up in a web that will not be suited to you.

Just my two or six cents...lol

_____________________________

Mistress C.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare
------------------------
In a world of so many variables, why do you have to be the norm? Anonymous

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 3:44:56 PM   
Sasy


Posts: 1387
Joined: 7/5/2004
From: Texas
Status: offline 		I would  put my  two cents in here ... But I am not as much  into t he BDSM aspects as the D/s. I dont have issues with  the no sex as much as I do the no strings.... To me it is all about trust and bonds and I cant get that with out the commitment

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 3:46:55 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I can only imagine a "no strings D/s friendship" as being much like a fuckbuddy but he gets to do some D/s play with you too.  If that's what you want, go for it.  If you want to be completely frustrated and hurt in a few months, then agree to this for now and hope that in time it changes and becomes more.  It won't. 
 
He said he doesn't have time for a relationship.  That means one of 3 things, either he's married, doesn't want a relationship with you, or...he doesn't have time for a relationship but does have time to play D/s and fuck you.  Are any of these acceptable circumstances for you to enter into a one sided relationship with this man?  Because what I read in your post was 
quote:

" I love being around Him & talking toHim online...I just wish it could be more. 
  That says to me that you aren't going to be able to maintain a friendship-only level with this man.
 
I understand that you are excited to have found someone in your area, but don't make the mistake of grabbing what's available insteading of waiting for what you deserve, which is a man that does have time for a relationship, with you.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 4:22:22 PM   
babygirl005


Posts: 146
Joined: 5/3/2005
Status: offline 		Boy, you better go back and read the your own words in your profile. That should be enough to tell you this will not work.
            Estring

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 4:32:58 PM   
NakedGirlScout


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		To Vancouver_cinful:

I don't think you're going to get flamed.  I think that all your comments are right on.  But I think the girl asking the question said that the man was not going to have sex with her, unless I misunderstood.

Huggers

Molly

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 4:46:34 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		And I have always wanted to personally weigh Cin's MacGuffies in my own hands, just to take a guess....(albiet an educated one, I dare say).....otherwise it can be phoned in......

It is all about bringing me in a beer tho, so I can say good girl....cause I ain't got time.......

Know what I mean, Vern?


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to NakedGirlScout)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 5:05:32 PM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		"so someone who wants me to submit is going to have to work very hard to prove that HE isworthy of my trust, power exchange & earn this special place in my life. "

From reading this on your profile, it sounds like to me that your question is already answered.  You have a gift of wanting to submit to a man that will see you for all that you are, devoting his time and energy to you.  Why would you settle?  Would you expect someone to settle for you?  If you are willing to walk into this for a fling scene then by all means enjoy the moment, but do not expect to have your "special place in life" fullfilled. 

I wish you the best

LOKI


_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 5:25:49 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		To the OP. I understand. I've been looking for over 3 years now and keep coming up with great friends who are Dom, but no Dom to belong to. One of my Dom friends has been looking for a sub/slave for a long time. We were both at a low point in our searching when he suggested that we become D/s fuck-buddies. I thought about it.....seriously considered it! But in the end he realized that it wouldn't be good for me so he decided against it. He knew I'd put emotion into our relationship that, while I have it currently locked up and dormant, would have blossomed into more than he wanted if we'd gone there.

Sex is great and I love it! But you don't die from celibacy. You might wish you could, but you don't die from it. If you won't die from not having sex, then it's not really necessary for your life. Be wonderful "icing on the cake" but if you're more into D/s than S&M, just serving can be as good as an orgasm.

Just my $1.98.

(in reply to kimmysue)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 5:26:39 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

And I have always wanted to personally weigh Cin's MacGuffies in my own hands, just to take a guess....(albiet an educated one, I dare say).....otherwise it can be phoned in......

It is all about bringing me in a beer tho, so I can say good girl....cause I ain't got time.......

Know what I mean, Vern?



Oddly enough, I do. Somewhere along the collarme road I learn to speak ottertail. Go figure.

Come to Vancouver, Vern...We weighs them daily.

Here's your beer...and it taint any of that disgusting 'merican stuff.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 5:29:26 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Master only drinks Guinness and Champagne and Jameson in his weakest moments......never Crud Lite or Moosehead.......

Acceptable? 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 5:30:21 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

But I think the girl asking the question said that the man was not going to have sex with her, unless I misunderstood.



Mmmmhmmm...and oddly enough, I'm sceptical.

("I'll just stick it in a little bit...I swear...")
 
Thing is, when you're all subspacey, and he says "You want to be a good girl, don't you?" it's amazing how these things get a little cloudy.
 
 

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 5:32:47 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Master only drinks Guinness and Champagne and Jameson in his weakest moments......never Crud Lite or Moosehead.......

Acceptable? 


Have you tried tequila, SIR? I hear it makes clothes fall off.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Question from a newbie - 7/6/2006 7:06:18 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Do you see your own words? He wants a "no strings" thing, but won't enter you until he owns you?

Owning you is a relationship. He wants you committed and for himself to be free. I'd move on.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 20
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