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RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 7:03:37 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		I want to thank everyone for their viewpoints. It is helpful sometimes when clarity isn't with you to seek out others views.

I do agree with being honest...I just know there are many out there who react to the ending of a relationship by trashing the other person and no matter how hurt I am by something, I dont want to be that kind of person.

Interestingly enough, I was asked this question by two people in emails this week. The first I felt was just looking for someone to bash an ex so he could be sympathetic (really..that was the impression I got) and the other I trusted enough to give details to. In writing the details for the second person, I didnt realize how long the story was and just how much I was involved in "ex's" decision to do what he did. Although I still feel that ultimately his action was his responsibility.. I realize just how badly I behaved as well in the situation.

Again.. thank you to all who responded.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 7:24:41 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		I prefer knowing what issues caused the break up, without the one telling the tale either demonizing the Dom, or taking on the mantle of victimhood.

Taking personal responsibility for your actions shows strength-making it all about somebody else shows me I can expect nothing but trouble-and I wlll immediately lose all interest.

< Message edited by Caretakr -- 7/7/2006 7:25:03 AM >

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 8:21:43 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with MrD on this one. If I didn't want to know then I wouldn't have asked. I am fully aware that there is two sides to any story but what I am looking for is her side and I would expect a full and honest answer.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 8:34:06 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I ALWAYS want to know about why previous relationships, both vanilla and kinky, did and did not work.  I want to know the patterns and if possible, the reasons for them and perhaps even what is being done about them.

quote:

  In writing the details for the second person, I didnt realize how long the story was and just how much I was involved in "ex's" decision to do what he did. Although I still feel that ultimately his action was his responsibility.. I realize just how badly I behaved as well in the situation.


And the above is what I am looking for, someone who can recognize their part in a failed relationship and doesn't place all the blame on another.    It smacks of "truthiness"...

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 10:19:14 AM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
...

Looking for a pre-conceived pattern of behaviour in a stranger shows immaturity, insecurity and, frankly, issues.  I won't be pre-judged like that and I don't do it.[/color][/font]



Why presume that a conversation like this would be used as a means of establishing some lazy prejudice?

Some people think like that I'm sure. All the more reason to give them a little with which to demonstrate their narrowness and shallowness, then move on with confidence and the hope of finding partners of greater substance.

I'm very interested in a potential partner's past. Her family background, where she's lived and traveled, how she has chosen to spend her time at work and at play, etc. etc. I'm very interested in learning about her accomplishments and failures and her reactions to both. This information doesn't arise in an interview format. I don't grill them and I don't care to be grilled, but that is an aesthetic perference really. This sort of thing can come out organically in spirited, open-hearted conversation.

A relationship which has concluded can be such a powerful source of learning and growth. It hardly needs saying that we can learn from the mistakes and triumphs of others as well as our own. This is true whether the erstwhile relationship is seen as a failure in the given case or seen as an accomplishment or as just one of those things.

Silly to fence off a subject like that in my opinion.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 10:22:41 AM   
wild1cfl


Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

Honesty.  Tell Me what you perceived happened, and why.  That's all.

E.


Could not agree more, be honest and tell your perception. Great advice

_____________________________

Wild

My Falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; And, till she stoop, she shall not be full gorg'd, For then she never looks upon her lure. Another way i have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper's call. Wm. Shakespeare

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 11:06:15 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Quite frankly, I not only ask about the break up, I also ask about the get together.  And I don't just limit My questions to the most recent D/s or M/s relationship.  I will also get into vanilla relationships.  I am not just being nosy, and  the potential is certainly free to ask Me similar questions.  A great deal can be learned from the way a person tends to form relationships, and then leave those relationships.  I listen for bashing (of course), laying blame, and/or common threads that will raise any red flags for Me.   And I do often find those common threads.  Either the person seems not capable of maintaining a relationship, either vanilla or lifestyle, or, with honest answers and discussion, I can see the growth and realizations which might make a relationship with Me worth considering. 
The questions should be asked.  The answers should be honest.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 12:08:39 PM   
doe00eyedgirl


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		You might simply respond by asking, "What exactly would you like to know?" and take the appropriateness of the question from there. Its a cliche question akin to, "What is wrong with you?" or if you are a slave, "How did you come to leave a Master~ not very slave-like..."

When I ask, I'm looking for unethical behavior or wannabees. Certain things give them away

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 2:04:42 PM   
SirDarkside357


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		Complete honesty is a must.  For a slave, she has no choice but to tell all to her Master. For a Master, he should tell his slave what happened without the bashing, in doing that, he may be able not to have a repeat. But that is just my opinion.

Darkside

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 3:11:26 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: doe00eyedgirl
...

When I ask, I'm looking for unethical behavior or wannabees. Certain things give them away


When I ask, I'm hoping to learn a little more about the person.

You meet an interesting person, you interact.  It all proceeds in certain ways and to certain degrees and then it draws to a close or morphs into something else. This is the pattern, isn't it? I mean if the subject matter is "relationships that have ended."

I'm struck by how most of the respondents here, excluding Hollys and JulieOceana, seem to be operating out of an assumption that "the relationship that ended" was some kind of failure.

I enter into relationships with lots of aspirations besides "happily ever after". When I ask an adult about past relationships I'll be pretty unimpressed if the account given is in terms of nothing but a string of failures. I kind of presume that some parts of their full account will be descriptions of mutual explorations they made with a very cool person who turned out to be better suited as a friend than a lover or power exchange partner and with whom they continue a warm and meanigful relationship, for instance. I'm not surprised at all to hear about a nasty blowup sometimes, and real disappointment, but if they've never parted from someone with a hug and a kiss--irrespective of whether friendship followed--then I might get wary.


(in reply to doe00eyedgirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 3:46:59 PM   
Stunning


Posts: 76
Joined: 7/16/2004
Status: offline 		Tell him you'll answer personal questions when trust is built. You owe no one anything until you owe them something. Dig?

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 3:59:30 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stunning

Tell him you'll answer personal questions when trust is built. You owe no one anything until you owe them something. Dig?


Stunning, while I understand where you are coming from on your post.. I dont necessarily agree with it. It is not a matter of "owing" someone an explanation and I dont tend to be the type of sub/slave who likes to come off soundling like I have a chip on my shoulder (not saying you do mind you, but if I used that line.. it would come off that way). One thing I fully believe is that when you are trying to BUILD trust.. these kinds of questions are a good way to start.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to Stunning)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/7/2006 4:31:33 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah


quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
...

Looking for a pre-conceived pattern of behaviour in a stranger shows immaturity, insecurity and, frankly, issues.  I won't be pre-judged like that and I don't do it.



Why presume that a conversation like this would be used as a means of establishing some lazy prejudice?

And why presume that I presume that?  This is exactly what I mean about strangers pre-judging....
quote:

I'm very interested in a potential partner's past. Her family background, where she's lived and traveled, how she has chosen to spend her time at work and at play, etc. etc. I'm very interested in learning about her accomplishments and failures and her reactions to both.

Yep, nothing wrong with learning these things from a potential partner.  But they've got exactly what to do with the OP's question which, to me, seeks details of a relationship that was intimately personal and sexual in nature?  It's over; I'm single and available and I don't offer or seek references - a clean slate. 
 
The only things I need to know of a partner's personal past is anything that may affect our future together....  For instance, if the ex is violent and obsessively fixated on her, I'd need to know that.  She can offer anything else, but I won't press the point....  She can ask me personal questions (once a suitable level of trust is achieved) but I don't "kiss and tell".  IE, she can ask about me but not personal details of past partners or relationships.
quote:

A relationship which has concluded can be such a powerful source of learning and growth. It hardly needs saying that we can learn from the mistakes and triumphs of others as well as our own. This is true whether the erstwhile relationship is seen as a failure in the given case or seen as an accomplishment or as just one of those things.

Silly to fence off a subject like that in my opinion.

And it can equally and justifiably be said that it's none of your business, too!
 
Focus.

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? - 7/8/2006 4:24:42 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

quote:

ORIGINAL: doe00eyedgirl
...

When I ask, I'm looking for unethical behavior or wannabees. Certain things give them away



I'm struck by how most of the respondents here, excluding Hollys and JulieOceana, seem to be operating out of an assumption that "the relationship that ended" was some kind of failure.




I cant speak for the other posters.  But for me, I  addressed it from that angle because of something the OP said (and Im paraphrasing here) about her not wanting to appear at fault for the relationship ending.  So I addressed the whole "fault"  thing.  Which I dislike anyway. I dont think there is fault to place. There is only learning and moving on.  But her concern (or so I interpreted it) was that he would see some fault in her based on the reasons that the previous relationship ended.  

On a side note:   Semantically speaking, when something ends,  it has "failed". 

edited for rambling.

< Message edited by marieToo -- 7/8/2006 4:29:28 PM >

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 34
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