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Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can learn? - 2/16/2014 9:47:58 AM   
Allihaveisabelt


Posts: 2
Status: offline 		I have so many questions regarding this D/s relationship and hope I can get some clarification and discussion going here. I've done some reading on the basics and still feel a bit iffy, but not sure if it's because of over thinking and the generally negative view I had on bdsm growing up. The reason I'm looking into it now is because the person I'm with is a sub and I want to fulfill her needs and be the D.

While I'm a bit rough around the edges as a person, all my life I've been having the vanilla sex because that's what most people want, or at least that seems to be the default setting. So I've certainly repressed any considerations of enjoying real domination because of that. I wouldn't want to scare away someone I loved or saw a future with because I had some sort of sexual fantasy, so I blocked anything like that out. The farthest I've really pushed it is to light choking, at someone's request, and was worried I'd be going to jail the next day, but everything worked out fine, we both got our rocks off, and I liked it (this makes me feel guilty/wrong).


For starters, my partner falling into the sub category seems so opposite of everything she is in reality vs. sex life, which makes this hard to comprehend or know where to go with it. She is a super feminist, and being a sub seems to go against those values (I've read some articles online that negate this thought but still can't understand it). I think if she wasn't a super feminist it would be easier to get into this. I also don't think she is into the choking, which correct me if I'm wrong seems basic for a sub. I know this is probably on the vanilla end of the spectrum but figured its a start and see how far to push it from there. She goes from liking slow sex, but then giving rough bj's at times, rough nipple play sometimes, sometimes it's too much even though same intensity, and other times rough sex. While change is good and keeping things fresh, I'm trying to get my bearings and it's confusing me.

I feel like I'm having a hard time separating this from being disrespectful, which makes me wonder if it's for me or not. I think if it was a one night stand with someone that didn't mean much, I could push things further down the D spectrum, but I don't want to ruin things with her or make things really awkward. Would watching bdsm porn help me accept this? Or is it something you have or don't.

< Message edited by Allihaveisabelt -- 2/16/2014 10:19:52 AM >
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 9:57:35 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		BDSM porn is pretty far removed from many couples' reality so I don't see it helping you.

Choking is actually an edge play and can be quite dangerous.
It would not be unusual for her to not be into it.
Just because a former partner liked or didn't like something should not be what helps you define the "norm".

There is a book list.
You could start with this:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
and then move onto some of the other recommendations.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

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(in reply to Allihaveisabelt)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:03:04 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		You have a ton of misperceptions.

One of which is that choking is a "basic" for a sub. That is incorrect. I am a sub and choking Is a hard limit.

You are wrong to think all subs are the same.

You are wrong to think that being a feminist is mutually exclusive to being a sub.

It is not disrespectful to engage in consensual behavior.

BDSM porn is not realistic.

It sounds like you need to understand the intellectual and emotional aspects before you engage physically.

Nothing here is b/w. There are many shades 'in between.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/16/2014 10:04:10 AM >

(in reply to Allihaveisabelt)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:17:00 AM   
Allihaveisabelt


Posts: 2
Status: offline 		Thanks for responses and I'll look into the book. I'm aware there is much to figure out before doing anything physically.

In regards to the choking, looks like I'm wrong then, but also maybe using the word too loosely. Never did it with the purposes to cut off air supply but rather about control.

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:19:10 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Allihaveisabelt

Thanks for responses and I'll look into the book. I'm aware there is much to figure out before doing anything physically.

In regards to the choking, looks like I'm wrong then, but also maybe using the word too loosely. Never did it with the purposes to cut off air supply but rather about control.


Cutting off air is not the only issue: there are nerves that control all sorts of things, and in some people pressing on them has unwanted results.


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Allihaveisabelt)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:23:00 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Allihaveisabelt

She goes from saying she likes slow sex, but then giving rough bj's at times, rough nipple play sometimes, sometimes it's too much even though same intensity, and other times rough sex. While change is good and keeping things fresh, I'm trying to get my bearings and it's confusing me.

I feel like I'm having a hard time separating this from being disrespectful, which makes me wonder if it's for me or not. I think if it was a one night stand with someone that didn't mean much, I could push things further down the D spectrum, but I don't want to ruin things with her or make things really awkward. Would watching bdsm porn help me accept this? Or is it something you have or don't.


You like pizza, right? Do you ONLY like pizza, or do you also like spaghetti, ice cream, and cheeseteak sandwiches? She didn't say she likes ONLY slow sex, but she's saying she likes slow sex. AND she likes rough sex. AND she likes to give bj's. AND she likes rough nipple play, BUT she most likely likes tender, erotic nipple play, too. AND she probably likes many things in between. Of course, I'm not there to see what's going on between the two of you, but if you are beginning each lovemaking/sex/BDSM/whatever session with a game plan, maybe you should take a step back and see where things might head (no pun intended!) and be open to changing gears midstream. If you start slow and romantic and she starts with the rough stuff, just go with it and be rougher or more aggressive. OR, start slow, and if she wants you to go faster, don't. Torment her. Make her beg for it. And you can be aggressive without being rough. There is a difference.

I'm suspecting that, when she says SHE wants to be 'submissive', she means that she wants YOU to take charge more. You don't have to be rough, just more authoritative. Forget about what you think she wants at the moment, do what YOU want at the moment. If she moves to give you a bj, push her back down onto the bed and do what YOU want to do with her. Or, if she starts blowing you roughly, grab her by the back of the hair and tell her to SLOW DOWN! Or, if you're going at it missionary, pull out suddenly, flip her over and take her from behind. Or stop, grab her hands and the restraints you've got hidden under the mattress and bind her wrists to the bed. Be in control, stop trying to please her every second.

I'm betting it isn't so much about what you're doing, it's the attitude and tone that you do it with that makes it more exciting.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Allihaveisabelt)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:29:09 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:


She goes from liking slow sex, but then giving rough bj's at times, rough nipple play sometimes, sometimes it's too much even though same intensity, and other times rough sex. While change is good and keeping things fresh, I'm trying to get my bearings and it's confusing me.


Our pain threasholds can change day to day for all sorts of reasons like: depending on how the rest of the day went, how well we slept the night before and where we are in our menstrual cycle.

Do you have safe words?
It may help you know where she is in processing pain on any given day.

Some people use Red, Yellow and Green.

Green means everything in good.
Red means stop or sometimes that something is wrong and so one stops immediately.
Yellow means slow down.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Allihaveisabelt)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:43:45 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		For me, being a feminist incorporates supporting people's right to chose what role they wish to have in society and in private.
- My wanting to take the submissive role in the bedroom and in our relationship does not negate my right to have equal pay for equal work.
- If a good father wants to stay home and raise his children, I'll support him, and have in fact encouraged a male coworker to do this.
- My sister used to work for a top Boston law firm and now she's a stay at home mother - I'm not going to give her any "threw away your career BS."

quote:

She goes from liking slow sex, but then giving rough bj's at times, rough nipple play sometimes, sometimes it's too much even though same intensity, and other times rough sex.

A woman's pain tolerance can vary depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. We use the same clover clamps the same way each time we play, but it hurts more when I am pre-menstrual.

quote:

While change is good and keeping things fresh, I'm trying to get my bearings and it's confusing me.

Good for you for acknowledging this and asking questions! I think you'll do fine :)

(in reply to Allihaveisabelt)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:46:51 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I'm betting it isn't so much about what you're doing, it's the attitude and tone that you do it with that makes it more exciting.


Yes, sometimes for me it's not the words at all, but the attitude and tone. In fact, he often says things that would piss me off if I wasn't submissive to him, but because I am, my brain processes it erotically.

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:48:13 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Welcome, and it's wonderful that you're actually thinking this through.

There are two places that you can take control. In the bedroom and out if it. It sounds like you are mixing the fact that she is not sub outside the bedroom with the fact that she is sub inside it.

You simply need to set up weekly (if possible) sessions in which the two of you talk. Tell her about your feelings and explain that because of them you want to keep going but slowly. Ask her what new things she would like to try, and what you've done thus far that she wants again. And what she doesn't. And tell her what YOU want as well.

Do you two have a safeword in place? That shifts a lot of responsibility from the Dom.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 10:53:28 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		Your best bet is to learn the many terms out there, what they may mean and later on as you learn you can expand on it pretty much in any direction you wish. You have to understand in the realm of the taboo what fits your idea of "very hot" to "doable" to "no way jose". This should be spurned from mutual enjoyment, not a compliant attitude to someone who should actually be led by YOU.
You have to be the Dom, and by that it means making the decisions on how your relationship will mature with or without the lifestyle.
You can learn, and learn to embrace the role, I believe topping a woman in any way is a dominant act so men can be inherently dominant but it's REALLY embracing the idea that she is becoming yours with every action and stroke of the whip. "MINE, MINE, MINE" should be to the forefront of your mind and its an idea you should relish, not question.


_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 11:02:51 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		You sound like a good guy being considerste of your partners wants and desires.
You should really be asking your partner what they desire before hand, then proceed with confidence and dominance during. Open communication is important.
Like me in the past ,I assume you have thought of BSDM as always extreme and abuse. It can be anything you and your partner agree on. Just be safe. Just my two cents.



_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 11:32:23 AM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline 		post deleted

< Message edited by pg4g -- 2/16/2014 11:33:02 AM >

(in reply to Allihaveisabelt)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 11:34:04 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		I'm a feminist. That is nothing to do with my sexuality. Just as you can you be sexually submissive and a business leader or dominant and the office cleaner or gay and head a corporation. I don't think our sexuality determines our careers and political beliefs at all.

On the choking point I don't do that either. I like my air. I have duties to my children. I am not risking brain damage for anyone. There are thousands of other ways you can dominate without that.

Start by just taking charge a bit - telling her where you're going rather than asking. Be firm in bed and out. See how she likes it or doesn't like it.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 12:03:09 PM   
ComeSitAndRelax


Posts: 7
Status: offline 		FR

Choking is extremely dangerous and it's very likely you'll end up having an accident if you keep doing it. It takes around 10 pounds of pressure on the carotid arteries to close them off, with unconscious in 10-15 seconds. After a few minutes, they'll go into convulsions and it'll look like they're just struggling, but at this point they're already getting brain damage. If you don't cause direct damage, complications due to blood clots you cause may also prove fatal. Oh and someone with a weak heart may go into heart failure just from compression of the carotids.

Compression of the wind pipe is what cuts off air and it causes more discomfort than most people are willing to tolerate to close it.

Compression of the jugular bursts capillaries in your face and carries similar dangers to that of the carotids.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 1:24:49 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		First..many have touched this already..feminist does not negate submissive. In fact, I would say true feminism allows for me to be whatever I want. Unfortunately, there are still many that believe feminism is fem domination or female superiority which it is not. Many confuse misogyny with D/s. They think that a male Dom must think females are beneath him and that female subs believe they deserve to be treated poorly. The opposite is really more accurate. Read some of the non-fiction books and you will see that feminism actually fits fine into this world.

Second, I suggest researching some gateway groups in your area. They offer educational and introductory info and there are often established D/s couples who are active. I don't go in for the whole "mentor" thing but that way you may make some friends that you can see how "normal" there lives are and have resources when you hit a problem.

Also, even though she may be the instigator in moving the relationship this way..she may be fairly inexperienced as well. You two need to have a brutally honest and open conversation. Kind of a "free pass"-I won't ridicule you or you me...what do you fantasize about? what have you experienced? What do you want to experience? Despite living in a sexually "open" world..people still find it hard to address this stuff with someone they love (they will go on dr Phil and tell the world but not their partner ) &...often men don't want to appear to be less experienced then the woman and we women think it is best not to divulge too much of what we have done with others...

I prescribe that on a Sat night you turn off your cell phones, TV, lock your doors...light a fire! open a bottle of wine and..talk???about EVERYTHING...hey sometimes wine and a darkened room make words flow!!!

Good luck!!! And, if either she or you have questions ask!!

ETA- don't know what part of CO you all live in but dark Steven and his sub are very socially active... And his sub is an attorney so you know she is pretty strong willed! He may be able to offer some real world help in CO

< Message edited by TieMeInKnottss -- 2/16/2014 1:27:31 PM >

(in reply to ComeSitAndRelax)
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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/16/2014 2:26:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Rough sex is like pouring tabasco sauce on your food. It doesn't mean you were abused as a child. It doesn't mean you aren't competent. It just means you like a stronger level of sensation in your sex life than most people do.

On wing nights, my kid gets the habanero ones. Shudder! I get the honey barbecue. He likes a strong sensation in the sense of taste.
In exactly the same way, I like a stronger sensation in the sense of touch during sex than most people do.
The Man likes horror movies; strong sensation in senses of sight and hearing.

Beyond that, let me give you an example. In the grocery store, I will spend 20 minutes in the ice cream section unable to make a perfect choice. Him being the dominant meant that he said "Get a mint chocolate for us, and the cookie dough for the kids". That gave me 20 minutes extra every time I went shopping. There's nothing wrong in him making that decision. The fact that I needed help with this doesn't mean I'm incompetent in any other area of my life.

So if she couldn't decide between corn flakes and Special K, would you make all this assumptions?
Would you assume that because she preferred not to have to make every single decision, that she wasn't a feminist? That because you said not to get the oil changed till next week, when it's on sale that she also didn't believe she should be able to hold a job without allowing sexual harassment?

Start thinking about how many choices we have to make every day. Don't you want her to sometimes pick which restaurant? Or decide what to cook for dinner while all you need is to show up and eat?

Sexually, you might also want to look up endorphin release. Marathoners get runner's high. It doesn't mean they are mentally ill, it's a physiological thing built in to us to allow us to chase down an antelope for dinner. It's also what allows us to enjoy roller coasters.

So why is it okay to enjoy that rush during nonsexual play but not during sexual play?

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 2/16/2014 2:27:49 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/17/2014 8:01:36 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes


quote:

ORIGINAL: Allihaveisabelt

She goes from saying she likes slow sex, but then giving rough bj's at times, rough nipple play sometimes, sometimes it's too much even though same intensity, and other times rough sex. While change is good and keeping things fresh, I'm trying to get my bearings and it's confusing me.

I feel like I'm having a hard time separating this from being disrespectful, which makes me wonder if it's for me or not. I think if it was a one night stand with someone that didn't mean much, I could push things further down the D spectrum, but I don't want to ruin things with her or make things really awkward. Would watching bdsm porn help me accept this? Or is it something you have or don't.


You like pizza, right? Do you ONLY like pizza, or do you also like spaghetti, ice cream, and cheeseteak sandwiches? She didn't say she likes ONLY slow sex, but she's saying she likes slow sex. AND she likes rough sex. AND she likes to give bj's. AND she likes rough nipple play, BUT she most likely likes tender, erotic nipple play, too. AND she probably likes many things in between. Of course, I'm not there to see what's going on between the two of you, but if you are beginning each lovemaking/sex/BDSM/whatever session with a game plan, maybe you should take a step back and see where things might head (no pun intended!) and be open to changing gears midstream. If you start slow and romantic and she starts with the rough stuff, just go with it and be rougher or more aggressive. OR, start slow, and if she wants you to go faster, don't. Torment her. Make her beg for it. And you can be aggressive without being rough. There is a difference.

I'm suspecting that, when she says SHE wants to be 'submissive', she means that she wants YOU to take charge more. You don't have to be rough, just more authoritative. Forget about what you think she wants at the moment, do what YOU want at the moment. If she moves to give you a bj, push her back down onto the bed and do what YOU want to do with her. Or, if she starts blowing you roughly, grab her by the back of the hair and tell her to SLOW DOWN! Or, if you're going at it missionary, pull out suddenly, flip her over and take her from behind. Or stop, grab her hands and the restraints you've got hidden under the mattress and bind her wrists to the bed. Be in control, stop trying to please her every second.

I'm betting it isn't so much about what you're doing, it's the attitude and tone that you do it with that makes it more exciting.


Top notch response, windchymes. And a much belated welcome back.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/17/2014 8:39:16 PM   
Inghammar


Posts: 145
Joined: 11/25/2012
Status: offline 		you can be a dominant / top and not or pretend to be disrespectful. Personally I can't say lewd, demeaning things during a scene and I sought a partner who didn't require that and who instead just requires a very strict bondage / restraint environment.

While there is a certain amount of plasticity in people's sexuality, I believe submission / dominance is something to which someone was born. Often times these impulses can be suppressed but the urges seem to make themselves known early. Try to uncover what interests and motivates you toward dominance and work with that. Nobody wants an actor in the bedroom unless it's Gregory Peck.

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Confused newb - is this lifestyle something you can... - 2/18/2014 9:41:15 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline 		I see the box you've put yourself in. Sometimes people can get out of the box and sometimes they are stuck. It's good to see you peeking outside of it. Don't be afraid. Experiment with pushing the boundaries you both agree on. I promise that, if she asks for it, you won't offend her.

A few other things to think about.
1. Just because I like very rough sex doesn't mean that I am cruel, abusive or disrespectful.
2. You may want to consider disconnecting manners from sex.
3. Some women like hair pulling, teeth gritting, foul mouthing, ass spanking and plugging all three holes with whatever your kinky mind comes up with. All while you treat them like a dirty slut in still more seemingly degrading ways. And then they get up in the morning with a huge satisfied smile on their face, a kiss, and a "thank you" before going out and fighting for equality. I am grateful these women exist... and there are MANY. Your woman is not necessarily weird or damaged.

I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear that you find pleasure in at least some of the things she likes. I am certain it was hard for her to bring this to you and hard for you to bring it here. That says a lot about both of you. Welcome...

Edited to add... HAVE FUN!!!

< Message edited by DomDolf -- 2/18/2014 9:44:17 AM >

(in reply to Inghammar)
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