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RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 12:30:58 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
In response to Sylvere and others: didn't a mod move the post here in the first place? This whole thing seems like a tempest in a teapot, combined with picking on a newb because she didn't know where or how to post correctly. And the mods put the post here instead of Prof Svcs, so you can hardly blame the OP for that.

I doubt you'll suddenly see the light and agree with me, but you're still wrong.

At this point, it qualifies for the Sought for Sale forum.

quote:

If you know of a location that might fulfill the request of a user seeking an item or service, feel free to post a reply with whatever direction or advice you can offer.

Collarme.com makes no guarantees regarding the validity, quality or safety of any items/services offered for sale, trade or otherwise on this board. Any agreements made between individuals are the sole concern and responsibility of those involved.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 7:53:51 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Furthermore, it's bad enough that there are so many men out there who erroneously assume that if they spring for dinner or some other dating activity, then they have a false entitlement to self-gratification and objectify women further in the process. The All Women Are Just "Gold-Diggers" mentality and can therefore be bought for a price. I'll tell you what, I've met more male gold-diggers looking for a free ride than any females I've ever known.

I must admit this made me curious. If you don't mind: how many dates have you paid for, when you were on a date with a man you were not yet living with under the same roof?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 8:37:10 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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I have for a few, when I knew they were a bit broke or had less income, however never expected that they "owe" me something, but then I operate under the rule that the one who invites the other one out is usually the one who picks up the tab (within reason) and a meal is not payment in advance for sexual favors.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 9:01:32 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
I have for a few, when I knew they were a bit broke or had less income, however never expected that they "owe" me something, but then I operate under the rule that the one who invites the other one out is usually the one who picks up the tab (within reason) and a meal is not payment in advance for sexual favors.

You're an outspoken critic against Tops Disease in female dominants (and male dominants too, I'd imagine), so your response doesn't surprise me. I seem to recall FieryOpal once posted that she saw no need to pay for a date with a man, which is why her comments about the economic relations between men and women stuck out to me.

As for me, I always offer to pay, and I tend to be attracted to women who would rather not go to Applebee's on a first date. But if she expects that I should pay for everything, every time, I'll stop returning her texts and calls. I don't have any space for selfish people in my life. And I don't expect anything because I paid for the meal, but I won't even ask her out in the first place unless she's hoping that will feel like making out with me. Why spend time and resources unless you and the other person have consistent goals for what would happen as the result of the date?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 9:11:16 AM   
LadyConstanze


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I kinda just like spending time with people, I seriously have no problem to accept a man paying if I know that he can afford it, but I'll still be mindful to not go over the top.... A date for me isn't a prelude to a relationship, but just getting to know somebody better in a relaxed atmosphere.

I had a really funny incident with a guy (just a friend) offering to take me to dinner (I had taken him a few times before as I knew he was quite broke) as he got a gift card for a restaurant, I ordered quite modestly as it wasn't exactly Applebee's (where I don't go due to them screwing out their workers of insurance) and thought he might be embarrassed if I offer to chip in, I was super surprised that he ordered several starters, two mains, side dishes, dessert, etc. He had most of the stuff packed up to take with him, flirted with the waitress (who clearly was polite but so not interested), the bill arrived and he took out his gift card, put it in, slid the leather wallet with the bill and the gift card over to me, surprise, the gift card was $25, the whole thing including tip (wouldn't have been fair to screw the waitress out of her tip) came to about $150 - additionally to the gift card...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 9:16:42 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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Is it terrible that I thought that was hilarious?

Sorry to hear it. I've never been in that situation, and I'm not sure how I would have responded. I would have been shocked, though. That's in the "craps on the table' category -- something I would never do so much, that I can't even imagine doing it.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 9:28:18 AM   
LadyConstanze


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LOL, I decided to see the funny side of it and decided should I ever take him to dinner again, I will pick the restaurant, much cheaper than being "invited" by him...

My friends were all highly amused and I heard that some of the LA crowd are still using the expression "That's kind of a C's gift card guy/girl"

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 9:38:41 AM   
GoddessManko


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From: Dante's Inferno
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LOL LadyConstanze! You are just too kind mi'lady. And silly fellow got an inch and not only took a mile, but flew to Australia! LOL
I have a friend who i know is cheap, most likely I'd end up paying for everything, but I REALLY like him as a person so I choose activities where we amicably get to enjoy each other's company without having to pull out my wallet everytime. Examples: hiking, rock climbing, kayaking, movies (I buy the tickets and the popcorn).
It's all just very fun and laid back. I DO NOT see myself taking him to Ruth's Chris anytime soon. NO SIREE! LOL
I think it really depends on the relationship outside of payer and payee, even when first meeting a sub, I have no problem picking up the tab. I agree with your definition of a date 100% there.
I LIKE the power involved in showing a sub I won't be planning to be a complete dependent/mooch. Some of them think socio economic background fits into the "qualifications" of a good submissive.
I agree with RedMagic1 though, that IS a hilarious story, thanks for sharing! LOL
(My friend by the way will NEVER offer to pay and has no problem glancing in my direction expectantly once the tab shows up, so I can relate!) LOL
Again, great guy, love his humor and company so it's a fair and even exchange to me.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

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The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 9:49:33 AM   
VideoAdminChi


Posts: 3086
Joined: 8/6/2012
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quote:

At this point, it qualifies for the Sought for Sale forum.


Gamma moved to Ask a Submissive/Salve.
Rho thinks it should be in Sought or for Sale.
I think it should be in Off Topic.

And so it hasn't been moved again :)

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 9:55:51 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
The hilarious bit was, he kept calling me while I was spending some time with a friend and convinced me that he would take me out, repeatedly.

I guess my face must have been a picture, I looked up (he conveniently had excused himself and went to the gents) and caught the eye of the waitress, who had watched it across the room and also had a look of disbelieve on her face. Given the situation (there with his car) there wouldn't have been much I could have done anyway, and I certainly didn't want to create a scene in a nice restaurant. To this day he hasn't figured out why the few mutual friends we have start giggling madly when he mentions "Oh that day I took C out to dinner..."

Mind you, this is the same guy who rang me up and asked me if I want to grab a burger, when I politely declined he explained that in the paper there were free vouchers for a burger shop celebrating their 30's or 50's year of business, but it's limited to one burger per person and he got the voucher of his neighbour and didn't want to let a burger voucher go to waste...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 2:56:30 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I must admit this made me curious. If you don't mind: how many dates have you paid for, when you were on a date with a man you were not yet living with under the same roof?

Honestly don't have time to do a mental audit. I don't see how this has any bearing on lone-stag mentality. I don't date those kinds of men. Their other character flaws repel me first.

Spanning more than 3 decades, I would have to do a breakdown that is already making my head spin (boyfriend when younger or still student, splitting or pooling expenses while dating, the barter system [reefer market value in comparison to price of concert tickets?]), pre-marital, post-marital, pre-relationship dating, how much do I spend entertaining at home, etc. etc. etc.

The simple answer is: I'm very generous with my gifts, treats, doing favors (keeping sexuality out of it), the barter system (of legal goods, services & products) with all my friends & family, and a boyfriend or lover is no exception.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 3:57:01 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

MY QUESTIONS:

Do you think the general public looks down on male subs as either wimps or pussy-whipped doormats? If so, how do your nurture the ego of a male sub so that he has a healthy self image?

The negative stereotype of male subs is even lower for sissies as women tend to be especially turned off by them. How in your mind do sissies remain real, attractive men to you?

(in reply to DominaElectric)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 4:00:18 PM   
cloudboy


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Joined: 12/14/2005
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The responses so far have been insane. Your project sounds great to me, and I would love to contribute to it. My questions have been posted.

(in reply to DominaElectric)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 4:19:54 PM   
OvidInDallas


Posts: 36
Joined: 2/18/2014
Status: offline
Hi Cloudboy,

Hope you don't mind a fellow male sub's opinions, because here are mine.

"Do you think the general public looks down on male subs as either wimps or pussy-whipped doormats?"

Absolutely. The media always portrays men who submit to women in any way as a joke or pathetic. Mainstream culture still promotes the idea of women as submissive to men in relationships and sex. Men who deviate from this standard by being gay or submissive are subject to humiliation and shaming in an attempt to either bring them back into line or make them clearly deviant or defective. Dominant females suffer similarly but differently because they are sexually attractive to heterosexual men and so are more subject to objectification than humiliation.

"If so, how do your nurture the ego of a male sub so that he has a healthy self image?"

Honestly, there is no easy answer to this. The best advice I can give is that no one is going to nurture your self image. You have to look at yourself, love yourself for who you are, and offer support to others who you see suffering like you are. Find what makes you happy about yourself and don't accept judgment from people who don't even know you.

"How in your mind do sissies remain real, attractive men to you?"

The biggest problem most women and Dominants have with sissies is two fold:

1) Those women just aren't into sissies. This is just how it is. Some women like muscular guys. Some women like skinny guys. Some women like men who are manly buff dudes. And some women love guys who are sissies. You just need to accept that some women aren't going to be attracted to you and that it has nothing to do with YOU and nothing is wrong with them for not being attracted to you.

2) Sissies who push their fetish on women. I am not saying that you are one of these male subs but the fact is that there are a vocal group of male submissives who have built their entire relationship dream around hyper-sexualized fetishes of humiliation and sissification and they aren't looking for a relationship with a woman, they are looking for a fetish delivery vehicle that exists solely to let them enjoy their fetish with no consideration for what she wants.

If you want to be viewed as a real, attractive man then I strongly suggest you figure out what it is that makes you attractive to women that has nothing to do with your kink. Be honest with your desire for sissification and whatever WHEN IT COMES UP in conversation with a Domme. Do not open with it. Do not focus your profile on it. Do not lie about it.

Helpfully,
Ovid

Edited to add: Man, I get the feeling I might have just wasted my time...

< Message edited by OvidInDallas -- 2/21/2014 4:20:58 PM >

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/21/2014 4:37:18 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

MY QUESTIONS:

Do you think the general public looks down on male subs as either wimps or pussy-whipped doormats? If so, how do your nurture the ego of a male sub so that he has a healthy self image?

The negative stereotype of male subs is even lower for sissies as women tend to be especially turned off by them. How in your mind do sissies remain real, attractive men to you?

Only my personal opinion, of course, to be taken with a grain of salt.

Yes to your opening Q. Single vanilla men tend to look down on their married buddies as being pussy-whipped when they say they have to run it by the missus first or have to work within a budget and have limits on their spending habits, restrictions on how often they can go out with the boys. Bachelors and other singles tend to live in a different universe than men who prefer to be pair-bonded, settle down and raise or are raising families.

Females generally have a hard enough time finding males who will man up as it is, who don't still live in their mother's basement, or who aren't running around in packs/herds as part of an entourage, and/or who don't put their homeboys before their girlfriends.
So yes, any submissive traits which reveal themselves prematurely might spook such a female.

As for nurturing egos, it might be a quirk to my own experience, but I find that many male subs are artistically, musically and creatively talented. It's always a positive thing to encourage any talents a person possesses. Within a relationship with a male sub, a woman should simply be accepting of his needs and desires without catering to them, get him to open up and verbalize why he feels the way he does. Take the parts that appeal to you as a woman and offer up positive reinforcement/affirmations for those on a regular basis. Replace the old programming with new (consensual) ones.

My personal preferences aside for not wanting a sissy partner, I have nothing against a man who has come to terms with those needs. I just don't spend enough time with my existing girlfriends as it is, so I have no need for more. On rare occasion in a scene, I would prefer that my partner not get into being sissified or else that takes away one of my tools from my toolbox should I elect to use it.

[Edited for typo]

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 2/21/2014 4:47:21 PM >


_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/23/2014 6:58:03 PM   
xxPetownerxx


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/12/2012
Status: offline
Dear Domina Electric,

I for one am happy with the name you use for your submissives and would fully expect to be used as one ~ if I could be so fortunate :)

I will make an attempt at an honest question for advice from a sub's point of view. My problem is with getting the Master/Mistress to go a little further or try new things. If you have to ask for a "punishment" (even though we are all roleplaying that it is a punishment when really it is what the sub desires) it still breaks the mood to request it rather than have it forced upon you. It's not really plausible to beg to have your c**k locked in a cage (for example) and then act all shocked/humiliated/woeful when your request is granted. Also it could be deemed as a criticism of the Master's/Mistress' ability or technique and may spoil the dynamic. At all costs the sub must not lead from the bottom, yet recently I have found that my current Master is too acquiescent and will ease off at the merest protestation. Any advice or suggestions gratefully received ~ subrael

(in reply to Rawni)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/23/2014 9:23:00 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
xxPetownerxx, I would hate to infringe upon the carrying out of DE's job, and without knowing whether this is a newly formed relationship or if you are already a chastity slave and your Master a Keyholder, allow me to suggest as follows:

- You say you have a current Master. If you are anyone's slut, you are hers/his, not another Dominant's and most assuredly not every Dominant's. Your Master wouldn't take too kindly to finding out you are encouraging others to toss this or a synonymous term around so flagrantly. I know I wouldn't. And you wouldn't be getting the funishment you're used to, you'd be getting a taste of real punishment.

- Do you have a safe-word system in place? In your case, you and your Master could use this in reverse. If you don't "Yellow" for caution, then your Master effectively has the green light to dial things up. Not going to "Red" means don't stop. You are fortunate that your Master cares enough about you to be cautious. If this is a for-hire arrangement, insist upon an escalating dynamic as outlined, for you are the client.

- Write down the 3 things you want for funishment. After you've sat down with your Master to discuss these matters in advance, your Master can then offer you 1 of these 3 options to choose for your "punishment." If your Master decides to throw in a wildcard, then that's her/his prerogative. The rule to follow is that once one has been administered, you have only the remaining ones to choose from in the future. If it were me, I would have a 10-item list and not all of them would be to your pleasing either. (You can't always get what you want.)

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to xxPetownerxx)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/23/2014 9:55:10 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


MY QUESTIONS:

Do you think the general public looks down on male subs as either wimps or pussy-whipped doormats? If so, how do your nurture the ego of a male sub so that he has a healthy self image?

The negative stereotype of male subs is even lower for sissies as women tend to be especially turned off by them. How in your mind do sissies remain real, attractive men to you?


Why is it the responsibility of the femdom to 'nurture' the ego of the male sub and take care of his healthy self image? If a sub comes to a femdom with that kind of baggage then he has issues with his own desires that he has to reconcile on his own. No amount of "nurturing' is going to fix him. If a woman is terribly short or has (what she considers) inadequate breasts is it the responsibility of her male partner to stroke her ego (any more than a mutually affectionate couple does) for the sake of her self esteem? If a male sub considers himself "broken" as a result of his desires or societal pressures it's not a "project" for a femdom to fix him.

As for sissies - ANY sub with a fetish that comes first or is colored with "me! me! look at me! look at me!" is going to require patience and a special kind of woman to work with him. Whether it's sissies or foot fetishists or toilet slaves, men that define themselves so specifically by their fetish and have rigid ideas of how it is executed are going to have trouble getting acceptance from partners. Again, it's not a femdom's job to deal with his self loathing or ambivalence if he has it - she can be supportive and nurturing, but if he has real issues he has to deal with them from within and do the work. He also needs to be flexible and open minded about how to engage his fetish with a compatible partner while making an honest effort to understand what makes her tick, and realizing it's not going to 100% align with his expectations unless he goes to a pro and can order off a menu.

I see a lot of submissives trying to avoid "the work." Being submissive does not mean being lazy or being free from responsibility, taking care of your own self image, working on the things that are tough to work on. No one LIKES to have to deal with their issues of fear, guilt, not fitting in. Yet the person who can have the biggest impact on fixing these issues is the person with the issues - not by looking to their partner and going "fix me. help my ego. give me more attention. I need more acceptance. no one loves me. I am unlovable. I am broken." -- it's ok to work as a couple on compassion and nurturing, but a lot of sub men complain about a myriad of challenges, issues, self esteem, etc. but are not willing to do any work on these issues themselves. They just want to be coddled.

Guess what? That doesn't fix it. Doing the work fixes it, and the work isn't easy.

Akasha




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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Ask Domina: seeking submissions - 2/23/2014 10:38:55 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
If a woman is terribly short or has (what she considers) inadequate breasts is it the responsibility of her male partner to stroke her ego (any more than a mutually affectionate couple does) for the sake of her self esteem?

OK, I just have to ask, exactly how much is the limit of what a "mutually affectionate couple" does? Because honestly yeah, Carol's internal well being is of great concern to me and I'd go to really great lengths to do whatever is required.... just as she would with me. We pretty much see tending to our partner as our primary job in the relationship. Carol is trying to become a professional artist and I spend a great deal of time "nurturing her ego so that she has a healthy self image".

Then again, we both have already made the assessment that our partner is fundamentally healthy and well balanced. I gather your statement starts from the opposite assessment which, honestly, would make me wonder why is there a relationship at all.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 79
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