Trusting in S/D Relationships (Full Version)

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unsuresub93 -> Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 10:42:56 AM)

Hello,

I am new to BDSM and to CM. I've had a lot of doms approach me and start messaging me, and I usually message back because I want to learn more. But then most start asking for pictures, personal details (i.e. name, age, state, town, place of work or school, etc), and when I don't feel comfortable giving them, I get yelled at and told that a submissive is supposed to be trusting and is supposed to obey the dom.
My question is, doesn't it work both ways? Why must it be the submissive who shares everything, and has to be the trusting one? I understood that BDSM is about trust, on both parts. I don't want a dom who is just going to demand things and not care that I only "met" him minutes before. Any advice?



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 10:50:55 AM)

My advice is to think 'thank god that idiot showed his/her true colours right away. Now I know about the unreasonable expectations, I won't waste any more of my time on them.'

They can ask, of course, but you have every right to protect your own safety until you feel comfortable. If that doesn't suit them, they can move on.

Any submissive who immediately obeys any person who ticks the 'dom' box is stupid, in my opinion. Any dom who insists they automatically deserve your deference just because you identify as submissive is either clueless, or predatory.

Edit: New York is a pretty big state, so it wouldn't seem unreasonable to me that they wanted to know your town fairly early on - I'd want to know if we had a realistic shot of meeting if we liked each other. But as always, it's your decision what you do and don't disclose.



windchymes -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 10:54:27 AM)

Hello newbie. What she said ^^^^^^

Those guys who are calling themselves "dom" online and telling you to do stuff and yelling at you when you don't comply are nothing but horny stupid men. Submissive women ARE supposed to have common sense, please do continue to use it [:)]

Yes, it should go both ways, and the decent men who are looking for a real relationship with you will treat you in a respectful manner and will work at gaining your trust and making you feel comfortable getting to know them. Just because you identify as a submissive doesn't mean people get to berate you and make demands. Many will try to, you just ignore them and hold out for the decent, respectful ones.

And it is perfectly fine for subs to respectfully contact the dominant profiles in here, don't be afraid to do that.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 10:56:04 AM)

You don't need to submit to *anyone* you have not agreed to be in a relationship with. An email on CM is not a relationship. I would most strongly urge you not to reply to everyone, there are too many wankers and wannabe doms, and it will drive you nuts as well as confuse you.

You are absolutely correct you decide how much personal info you give out and what pics you send. If you say no, many will say you're not a sub. That means there are a wannabe (or whatever) break contact and move on. Anyone who expects instant submission is living in a fantasy land.

A tips: Keep your conversation on a vanilla information level and you will weed out the wannabes quickly.

Stick around over here on the discussion side and you'll learn a lot. Also check out my blog, it has a lot of info (you can find the url in my signature line).



peppermint -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 10:56:42 AM)

You admit in your profile that you are new to all this. Also, as a new user you show up on the list of new users. This makes many people believe that your are naive.

Just because someone checks a box on a web site does not make that person a dominant. Yes, you should obey YOUR dominant when you finally find that special person. You do not have to obey ANY person whose only claim to dominance is to check a box.

Trust takes time. Believe in your instinct. If it doesn't feel right for you to do something then it's not right. Too often people come to the boards to tell sad stories of sending pictures or giving out too much information to someone who was not trustworthy.

If you haven't already you will soon be contacted with one of the more common scams on here. Someone will write to you and tell you that your name is being talked about on the forums and it's being said you are a fake and not even a woman. To "prove" you are a woman, of course all you have to do is a cam show for these guys. Otherwise they say you will be banned from the site.

My advice is to keep doing as you are. Take your time. Read in the forums. There is a ton of information here for those who take the time to read.



DarkSteven -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 10:59:22 AM)

Yes, it does in fact work both ways. Neither one should give anything they don't feel comfortable with.

A sub should in fact trust his or her Dom. However, these clowns are not your Dom. It takes a while for a sub to learn to trust, and it's not earned by instant demands and yelling.



SpyUnderCover -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 11:00:12 AM)

Hello unsuresub,

It is definitely a two-way street. You are under no obligation to give out any personal information until you are comfortable doing so. And I don't blame you for not wanting to share those sorts of things after just a few messages. A submissive is "supposed" to obey the dom, but if you just started chatting with them, you are not their submissive! You are still a "free agent," so to speak. Listen to your gut voice; it's speaking wisely to you. If someone gets disrespectful or abusive in messages, you can always block them from contacting you. Good luck!

Spy



LadyPact -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 11:02:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93
Any advice?

Yeah. Stop thinking of BDSM as anything other than BDSM. Not every kinky (or so-called) person is worth your time, trust, or any other thing. Your common sense isn't supposed to fly out of the window just because somebody checked the 'Dominant' box when they signed up for a website.




CreativeDominant -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 11:55:51 AM)

I think you've gotten nothing but good advice here.

From a male dominant, lucky enough to have earned respect from both submissives and dominants on here and out in the "real world", perspective...I rarely contact submissives anymore with the desire of making a contact to build into play or future submission or whatever...most of the submissives I contact (probably about 99 out of 100 if I was going to try and put a percentage into it), I contact because of something they have posted or to keep contact with friends. On the rare occasion I do contact a submissive with something else in mind, the last thing I do is make demands. I am dealing with a fellow human being who categorizes themselves as submissive/slave/switch but they are not MY submissive/slave/switch. If I would like them to do something, I frame it in the form of a request. And I understand that they have the right to refuse that request without expecting some big, presumptive ass-hat response from me.



orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 12:11:09 PM)

There's no point putting up with an imbalanced conversation one minute and then kicking off about it the next. Assholes always give signs in the first few messages that they're going to assholes, so as soon as they message you, look out for the signs and challenge them fast. Then, after they've wound their neck in a bit, then you can have a civilised conversation.



Killerangel -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 12:21:18 PM)

There are men that are attracted to online BDSM because they think they will be able to bypass the usual work of procuring a relationship by calling themselves a Dominant, and then the female submissive will throw herself at them, and voila, they'll have an instant connection.

Of course this type of man is upset when you don't follow the script they have in their head, because they are either lazy and don't want to work for a woman, have abysmal social skills and can't get one, or believe what they see in porn flicks that there are women out there that are so non-selective that they actually take up with a man based on a self-applied label.

Take your time just as you'd do in the dating world and get to know someone in whatever fashion makes you comfortable, period.

Anyone trying to get you to fit a set of parameters that they have in their head before they know you is probably an idiot who doesn't 'get' that relationships are fluidly evolving and based on the two people involved, not some set of imaginary rules. Feel free to walk away. Unless that is what floats your boat...



LadyPact -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 12:26:59 PM)

Btw, what exactly is S/d?



CreativeDominant -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 12:30:35 PM)

In MY case...it refers to SEXY and debonair...[:D]



LafayetteLady -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 12:36:10 PM)

If I send a picture at all, it isn't until after several messages and I think I want to meet them face to face, and I always insist they send first. Some personal information is irrelevant. I don't see anything wrong with asking your age (which is on your profile anyway). After all, many of us have acceptable age ranges. As for names, unless you have an unusual first name, I see nothing too personal about giving a first name, but again only after I establish I'm interested. Also, I tend to base my answer on how they ask. The "I'm 'Bill' what's your first name?" Isn't that big a deal. Same with towns, typically part of your profile. Unless you are in a very small town, unlikely to mean much.

As others said, you owe nothing to anyone. At this point, approach it just like vanilla because if you want a relationship, that's the point you are at. First names, age, town, profession (not workplace) are all part of getting to know you conversation. Pictures, measurments, address, no.


While you want to be safe, being so cautious to the point of paranoia is not good either. Most importantly, as someone else said, right now you are a free agent, so while you are looking to be submissive to that special dominant, at this point you are two equal people considering each other, neither in charge.

Stick around the boards. This is probably a better place for your questions than those individuals you are currently getting mail from.



TenderTorment -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 12:44:36 PM)

Simple equation for you.....Someone yelling at you and telling you you should do this/do that whilst still at the introductory stage = Numpty.

Put them in the Numpty box and don't give them a second thought.

Makes life here so much easier :-)



Apocalypso -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 1:11:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93
Any advice?

Tell them to "fuck off".



DesFIP -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 2:33:52 PM)

Start reading their profiles. If they exhibit this kind of behavior there, then don't answer them.

And then instead of waiting passively to be written to, look at profiles of guys local to you in an age range you prefer. If there is one profile that attracts you, then you write him and say hello and ask something vanilla about his profile. So if he says he's an avid climber, you could ask if he's done Mt Marcy and how rough was it. The same kind of things you would ask someone you met at a cocktail party.



FluidFlame -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 4:08:22 PM)

Coming from a Domme I think many subs would benefit from thinking something along the lines of

"You are a Dom, but not MY dom." or "I am a sub, but not YOUR sub."

When I talk a random sub or slave friend I think along the lines of "We are friends, and all things among friends should be equal."

It's a very useful thought process that shouldn't change much until you decide to get involved with that person beyond just an acquaintance or friendship.

~Flame



kiwisub12 -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 4:22:28 PM)

If you are looking for a long term relationship, then you should be approaching looking for a dom like a vanilla dating situation. You chat for a while, meet for coffee and talk, and then decide if there is anything there beyond kink to sustain a relationship.

After all, there is only so long that you can be beaten, bound or butt plugged. There has to be more to your relationship than that.
And talking on line is great, but you have to actually physically meet someone to know if you have a connection. After all, they may not brush their teeth regularly and you can't tell that unless you are face to face. [:D]

Someone who wants your submission from an email is living in BDSM porn lala land.


and Fluidflame - love your post. Very down to earth and realistic.



FluidFlame -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 4:56:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

If you are looking for a long term relationship, then you should be approaching looking for a dom like a vanilla dating situation. You chat for a while, meet for coffee and talk, and then decide if there is anything there beyond kink to sustain a relationship.

After all, there is only so long that you can be beaten, bound or butt plugged. There has to be more to your relationship than that.
And talking on line is great, but you have to actually physically meet someone to know if you have a connection. After all, they may not brush their teeth regularly and you can't tell that unless you are face to face. [:D]

Someone who wants your submission from an email is living in BDSM porn lala land.


and Fluidflame - love your post. Very down to earth and realistic.



Thanks, and it's true. Any relationship if you expect it to last has to be more than just good sex. Personally I don't want a sub or slave if they don't have dreams, goals, interests or a personality. I want to be able to just hang out and do a shared activity together.

Yes I want a 24/7 sub or slave (preferably slave) as I am into more than just the play and sex, but I put a lot of weight on personality and so does Fluid. And I'm pretty certain that most good dominants are the same way, they don't just want a sexbot, that's what toys an porn are for.

~Flame



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