Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

An observation about myself


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> An observation about myself Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 2:45:59 PM   
quietandintense


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/14/2014
Status: offline 		I found myself looking very regularly for responses to my posts or messages. Too regularly. Almost , almost obsessively. And every time I looked and there wasnt a response I felt...bad?...neglected?...not sure what that feeling is but I didn't like it. So I started asking myself a few questions...What was it I was expecting? Why did I feel the need for recognition from people I dont know? Suppose I received 1,000 responses, would that be enough?
I realized that my self esteem could become dependent, in some ways, upon the number and types of responses I receive here.
Once I recognized what was happening between my ears I made a choice to not look so often and to check because I wanted to see if there was someone out there who wanted to start a dialogue. ...Still pondering all of this but, bottom line, I am bringing 58 years of experience and life and successes on a number of fronts to a public forum and will focus on what I can do for whomever I talk to rather than how I am being received....
Feel free to toss your thoughts into the mix... Am I the only one who has experienced these things? I think not.....
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 2:49:37 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		We all want validation and we all want answers.

Give them the weight they deserve when you receive them. Until then, any anxiety you feel is probably over the issue and its resolution, and the answers you hope for symbolize that but are not the root.

Hang in there.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 3:09:33 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietandintense

I found myself looking very regularly for responses to my posts or messages. Too regularly. Almost , almost obsessively. And every time I looked and there wasnt a response I felt...bad?...neglected?...not sure what that feeling is but I didn't like it. So I started asking myself a few questions...What was it I was expecting? Why did I feel the need for recognition from people I dont know? Suppose I received 1,000 responses, would that be enough?
I realized that my self esteem could become dependent, in some ways, upon the number and types of responses I receive here.
Once I recognized what was happening between my ears I made a choice to not look so often and to check because I wanted to see if there was someone out there who wanted to start a dialogue. ...Still pondering all of this but, bottom line, I am bringing 58 years of experience and life and successes on a number of fronts to a public forum and will focus on what I can do for whomever I talk to rather than how I am being received....
Feel free to toss your thoughts into the mix... Am I the only one who has experienced these things? I think not.....

Very few people, percentagewise, have much success dating on CM. This doesn't have much to do with your real-life dateability. Some men make life harder for themselves, by writing profiles or intro messages that are full of red flags. But you can do almost everything right, and still not get responses.

In terms of increasing your odds here, I'd suggest you change your photo to one where (1) you are smiling, and (2) so it's not a bathroom selfie. A better background would be the outdoors, and best would be you doing something you enjoy, like playing with your dog, playing your guitar, rebuilding an engine in your garage, whatever activity fits you.

I've had pretty good results here, but that's primarily because I have advanced verbal skills (which come across well in typing), and I'm able to travel for dates. There are plenty of intelligent people who aren't super verbal, and there are plenty of decent guys who may not be super-smart but who are still awesome human beings, and women would love to find them. The problem, though, is that their awesomeness might not come across well in online dating, either here or on more vanilla sites.

So don't take it personally. It doesn't mean that no one will ever find you attractive. You might find someone wonderful here, and you might need to look somewhere else. The attitude you are describing in your post is a great start.

Best of luck.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 3:25:18 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think it is normal to want a response.  I sometimes want one and I am mostly a loner type.  It does not stop me from being human though.  If people say negative things to me I am more than likely to STFU about anything in which I have personal knowledge.  So now I mostly post generic things and it does satisfy my need for contact.  Keep posting as the need gets easier over time.  You will find that some posts are open ended and allow people to chime in. I almost responded to the email on the other side except that it didn't seem to require a response. Once you are settled in and comfy there will be less of an urge to be noticed.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 3:44:43 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		There are a vast majority of posts that I don't respond to. That doesn't mean that I don't think about what they say - I just don't feel a need to say something.

Just because you aren't getting a response doesn't mean that the posts aren't being read, or considered. Even bad or stupid posts elicite a response in one way or another...

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 4:06:01 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietandintense

I found myself looking very regularly for responses to my posts or messages. Too regularly. Almost , almost obsessively. And every time I looked and there wasnt a response I felt...bad?...neglected?...not sure what that feeling is but I didn't like it. So I started asking myself a few questions...What was it I was expecting? Why did I feel the need for recognition from people I dont know? Suppose I received 1,000 responses, would that be enough?
I realized that my self esteem could become dependent, in some ways, upon the number and types of responses I receive here.
Once I recognized what was happening between my ears I made a choice to not look so often and to check because I wanted to see if there was someone out there who wanted to start a dialogue. ...Still pondering all of this but, bottom line, I am bringing 58 years of experience and life and successes on a number of fronts to a public forum and will focus on what I can do for whomever I talk to rather than how I am being received....
Feel free to toss your thoughts into the mix... Am I the only one who has experienced these things? I think not.....


When I first started coming here, I was kinda the same way. Everyone wants to post something interesting that others find interesting too. It makes you feel accepted and a part of something.

Since then, I've been in a few cat fights, gotten a feel for several people, who I respect and who I don't, who is scary and who is not, and learned not to take this place too seriously.

But this place can be addicting too, especially the hot topic items and the mice who come to play. I always feel like I missed something when everyone is talking about a thread that got pulled. I'm like damn, I missed it!

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 4:35:59 PM   
quietandintense


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/14/2014
Status: offline
quote:


This wasnt about whether or not I received a response or the content of the response...I was referring to the fact that I even cared about getting one enough to be checking all the time for one...

(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 5:17:48 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietandintense

This wasnt about whether or not I received a response or the content of the response...I was referring to the fact that I even cared about getting one enough to be checking all the time for one...


No idea who you were trying to quote there, but that's how I read what you wrote. Your need for the response (that you even care...enough to be checking all the time) is an OCD reaction symptomatic and subjugate to the nature of whatever you posted to begin with, and since it isn't the number of replies you get, that leaves content or mere existence (validation).


_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 6:12:53 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietandintense

quote:


This wasnt about whether or not I received a response or the content of the response...I was referring to the fact that I even cared about getting one enough to be checking all the time for one...



First off, kudos for having the self awareness and nerve to post an introspective question. Pay no attention to the pompous poster who tried to tell you what to about your profile when you didn't even ask about that.

Second, everyone comes to the online venues super excited and with high expectations. You soon discover it is best not to have high expectations and just use it as an adjunct for real life events or ways to meet people.

You are still new so the novelty perhaps has not worn off yet, but really, there are so many more important things in life to be concerned about.

And if you care, accept that you are human.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/22/2014 6:14:51 PM >

(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 6:17:05 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Yeah sorry, I couldn't care less if someone ever responds to me or not. I usually put stuff out there just to hear myself talk in my head. Don't really care what others do at all.

I'd say it sounds like a self esteem issue or the need for attention....again, a self esteem issue. Seems the only way you can feel good about yourself is if everyone else is giving you some kind of attention. It's all tied up in what everyone else thinks about you instead of relying on yourself to have good self esteem.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 6:20:25 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietandintense

quote:


This wasnt about whether or not I received a response or the content of the response...I was referring to the fact that I even cared about getting one enough to be checking all the time for one...


I think it is a variant of New Relationship Energy.

Being a member is still a bit novel and it feels kind of like Christmas.
There are people new to facebook etc. who are much the same way.

Good for you for recognising it and finding a way to get things into a more workable perspective.


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 6:44:36 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietandintense
I found myself looking very regularly for responses to my posts or messages. Too regularly. Almost , almost obsessively. And every time I looked and there wasnt a response I felt...bad?...neglected?...not sure what that feeling is but I didn't like it. So I started asking myself a few questions...

It's always good to question yourself and do inner exploration. Sometimes, it can be quite interesting where it leads.

As for forum posts, the longer you're around this joint, the more folks will appreciate what you've got to say. Give people some time to see that you're the type of person that speaks honestly and sincerely, and you've got the courage of your convictions based on your experience, (even when you're wrong sometimes) people actually appreciate that stuff.

Regarding private messages, I'm somewhat on the other side. I couldn't tell you the last time I initiated a message that somebody didn't write back, but at least a part of that is because I'm female and I'm not trying to pick anybody up. That means lots of people consider Me 'safe' and tend to be more willing to respond. If I were a guy and I were seeking? I doubt I'd do nearly as well.

OK, this part........

quote:

I realized that my self esteem could become dependent, in some ways, upon the number and types of responses I receive here.


Oh, gosh, no. Your self esteem is your SELF esteem. If you let other people dictate that, you'll never have self confidence. That's letting other people decide who you are. You kind of have to be your own man.





_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: An observation about myself - 2/22/2014 11:47:28 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Unique post!
I personally like it when I get replies on here to... Who wants to talk to themselves?
Although I would probably lean toward what you say, indicating that you are on here for slightly unhealthy reasons, but having said that your probably not alone and I can see what you describe probably being quite common.

The main reasons I come here is to work on my spelling/syntax and to figure out my own beliefs, believe it or not!
I do get a bit obsessive posting on here sometimes to though.. I remember ages ago, I drove to get dinner, but on the way back pulled over to make a post before it went out of my head... Long story short, I ended up eating dinner on the side of the road in my car... So yer... I think your fine buddy.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 2/22/2014 11:49:31 PM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: An observation about myself - 2/23/2014 12:07:14 AM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline 		Yeah, I like replies too! Nothing wrong with wanting sizzling discussion about a topic you are passionate enough about to post or even start a thread about!

Getting your self esteem or confidence tied into that isn't healthy, but I reckon it's probably more primitive: it's just excitement at a conversation you are excited about. Nothing to worry about as long as it doesn't affect the way you feel about youself

_____________________________

Switching: the best of both worlds.

It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. - Rocky Balboa

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: An observation about myself - 2/23/2014 9:15:22 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Welcome to the forum, Quientandintene.

Your post is pretty cool, not a lot of people toss out pesonal introspective stuff in their first few times of posting. You come across as curteous and thoughtful and I look forward to following your posts. People can often be very blunt on these boards, I hope you don't let yourself take some of them too seriously or get chased off.

I often hit refresh or peek back at my recent posts to see if there were any responses. Of course, I often completely forget what I've posted or that I've posted at all but when I do remember I want to know who said what and I'll run back to peek frequently.

(in reply to pg4g)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: An observation about myself - 2/23/2014 10:21:51 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietandintense
every time I looked and there wasnt a response I felt...

Usually people only respond when they disagree with a post. So maybe no-one disagreed with your posts?

Maybe you ought to write more disagreeable posts?


_____________________________

"I tend to pay attention when Rule speaks" - Aswad

"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to quietandintense)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: An observation about myself - 2/23/2014 10:30:17 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Well, let's look at the posts you made:

1) An Introduction. It's not a heavy traffic forum.

2) An offer to proof read and edit someone's creative writings, which is in the Sought/Sale forum where the forum guidelines say:
quote:

The actual form of exchange is up to those involved, but the transaction must be discussed off-board. This includes the asking of any questions, as this section isn't intended to be a place for discussion. If you wish to speak with someone listed here, please contact them privately.
So, people shouldn't be responding there.

3) A post complaining that you weren't meeting subs after being here 1 day. This thread is on page three, which means you got responses.

4) A post complaining that people aren't replying to your forum posts.

You're not posting discussions. You're posting one liners and sour grapes, there's nothing to respond to.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 2/23/2014 11:01:19 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: An observation about myself - 2/23/2014 1:54:38 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

...
You're not posting discussions. You're posting one liners and sour grapes, there's nothing to respond to.


I didn't get that at all. In response to your third point, he posted a question asking if his lack of success was common or if it was something he was doing wrong. Individuals offered him suggestions regarding his profile and he was very gracious about it. He took the advice offered, modified his profile.

As for this post, I think a bit of introspect is good. He seems really interested in the forums and trying to insert himself into a new group. That isn't always easy and at the same time probably dealing with the daunting task of putting himself out there into the BDSM 'dating' pool which can be extremely frustrating.

I know we get a lot of whiners and complainers and various other trolls on the site but he seems like he's, at worst, just really geeked about finding the site.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: An observation about myself - 2/23/2014 4:25:58 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		Seems to me the OP has started something of a discussion. And it is refreshing to see this level of personal insight revealed here.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: An observation about myself - 2/23/2014 4:35:18 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

...
You're not posting discussions. You're posting one liners and sour grapes, there's nothing to respond to.


I didn't get that at all. In response to your third point, he posted a question asking if his lack of success was common or if it was something he was doing wrong. Individuals offered him suggestions regarding his profile and he was very gracious about it. He took the advice offered, modified his profile.

As for this post, I think a bit of introspect is good. He seems really interested in the forums and trying to insert himself into a new group. That isn't always easy and at the same time probably dealing with the daunting task of putting himself out there into the BDSM 'dating' pool which can be extremely frustrating.

I know we get a lot of whiners and complainers and various other trolls on the site but he seems like he's, at worst, just really geeked about finding the site.

I'm actually with Oside on this. The OP does have a number of one line posts on a few threads that he did not initiate. One of which is here http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=4641395 and I could pull a number of examples which are the same. Perhaps it's My own point of view, but dude just said something so that he would have something to say......





_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> An observation about myself Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.234