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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/23/2014 4:38:35 PM

kalikshama

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I wonder if clients of pro Dommes mistakenly thinking they are in a relationship is like:

Transference and countertransference during psychotherapy

In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a patient's feelings for a significant person to the therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist, but can be seen in many other forms such as rage, hatred, mistrust, parentification, extreme dependence, or even placing the therapist in a god-like or guru status.

When Freud initially encountered transference in his therapy with patients, he thought he was encountering patient resistance, as he recognized the phenomenon when a patient refused to participate in a session of free association. But what he learned was that the analysis of the transference was actually the work that needed to be done: "the transference, which, whether affectionate or hostile, seemed in every case to constitute the greatest threat to the treatment, becomes its best tool".[10]

The focus in psychodynamic psychotherapy is, in large part, the therapist and patient recognizing the transference relationship and exploring the relationship's meaning. Since the transference between patient and therapist happens on an unconscious level, psychodynamic therapists who are largely concerned with a patient's unconscious material use the transference to reveal unresolved conflicts patients have with childhood figures.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/23/2014 5:55:27 PM

LafayetteLady

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Thanks LC and LP, those explanations help a lot. Of course I would use the term "reputable" because there are quite a few ladies here who do pro work but aren't scamming or assholes. I wouldn't ever want to insult them. On the other hand, we all know there are many girls here who claim to be pro/fin dommes because they think it is easy money. They are inexperienced, ill informed and little gold diggers. I would hope the ladies who are reputable know I don't include them in that category.

Redmagic, a marriage is not usually a business arrangement, whereas a pro domme is making a business arrangement with her clients. Certainly, we all meet people where we spend time, whether that is socially or professionally, however, if a pro is going to enter into a personal relationship wih a client (nothing wrong with that) then she shouldn't be expecting the client to continue to pay for sessions, except in cases as LC pointed out with a pro dungeon. And of course, a reputable fin domme is another story entirely.

As for a submissve not being so if they control the finances, that's just stupid. We all have strengths and weaknesses we bring to a relationship as well as things that as dominants we may not want to control. If I were to enter a relationship with a successful financial advisor, CPA or whatever, why the hell shouldn't I expect him to be in charge of finances? I'm not stupid but that's their expertise, why wouldn't I utilize it? Oh and "being in charge/control" of finances doesn't necessarily mean the dominant is in the dark. Ask any sub who is control of meal planning. They are "in charge" of meals, but not without input from the dominant.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/23/2014 6:16:00 PM

MissToYouRedux

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

As for a submissve not being so if they control the finances, that's just stupid. We all have strengths and weaknesses we bring to a relationship as well as things that as dominants we may not want to control. If I were to enter a relationship with a successful financial advisor, CPA or whatever, why the hell shouldn't I expect him to be in charge of finances? I'm not stupid but that's their expertise, why wouldn't I utilize it? Oh and "being in charge/control" of finances doesn't necessarily mean the dominant is in the dark. Ask any sub who is control of meal planning. They are "in charge" of meals, but not without input from the dominant.

Yes, "delegating" is a dominant trait.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/23/2014 6:38:02 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

If I were to enter a relationship with a successful financial advisor, CPA or whatever, why the hell shouldn't I expect him to be in charge of finances? I'm not stupid but that's their expertise, why wouldn't I utilize it? Oh and "being in charge/control" of finances doesn't necessarily mean the dominant is in the dark. Ask any sub who is control of meal planning. They are "in charge" of meals, but not without input from the dominant.

Yup, I'm in charge of the meals but I ask for and accept input, in fact, he's surprised that I always take him so literally :)

ETA - except for his latest request for steamers and lobsters, which I'm pretty sure was a joke.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 2/23/2014 6:44:34 PM >

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/23/2014 6:57:31 PM

GoddessManko

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quote:

If I were to enter a relationship with a successful financial advisor, CPA or whatever, why the hell shouldn't I expect him to be in charge of finances? I'm not stupid but that's their expertise, why wouldn't I utilize it? Oh and "being in charge/control" of finances doesn't necessarily mean the dominant is in the dark. Ask any sub who is control of meal planning. They are "in charge" of meals, but not without input from the dominant.

RIGHT, trust us finance majors despite our gender, GOOD CALL! Unfortunately you'd be amazed at how many men in my past had to learn this the hard way, whether sub or vanilla. It's nice rubbing it in their faces thereafter though, LOL. :)

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/23/2014 10:09:01 PM

LafayetteLady

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Well for me that would still be a guy since I'm total hetero, lol. But regardless, it is stupid to apply any tasks based on gender or side of the kneel. If someone is better at something (after all of dommes aren't great on everything) why shouldn't that be utilized?

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/24/2014 4:58:27 AM

LadyConstanze

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Good leaders aren't experts in everything, they are able to spot people who are good at something and put them in charge of those things, it's simply a management task, that's why it often doesn't work in companies if you put somebody who is good at something (might be repairing things, sales, accounts, etc.) in charge of a department, it doesn't mean the person also has good people's or management skills. How often I have heard in my vanilla life "The guy is a real expert, that's why we promoted him to head of the department, we don't know why performance hasn't gone up...", well, you take your best person out of "production" and put him or her in charge of managing people, he or she might have not the skills to cope with that.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/24/2014 8:55:13 AM

FriendlyMuppet

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I know this goes a bit against the grain, but some of the greatest professional relationships I've been in have involved women who treated the relationship as "real", and for me it definitely was. Sometimes, it became deeper; other times, not as much. My first owner was a professional I saw for several years as she brought me deeper and deeper into slavery until I became her personal slave (and stopped doing pro sessions with her). It worked out great for how it was designed. It's part of why people like me often avoid a professional who makes a statement to the effect that her professional and personal life are separated. A smart person understands that's most likely going to be the case, but when it's mentioned up front, it sends off a warning sign for me that perhaps this woman doesn't take this all that serious. Sure, that's going to be wrong more than right, but experience has told me that it tends to be this way.

The real problem a dominant has with people like me is that quite often the guys like me are not as knowledgeable about what they're seeking and might actually be seeking a girlfriend rather than a professional dominant, and that's totally understandable about why such parameters have to be put forth (those guys, in my understanding) are far more present than people a lot like me who have the ability to discern the differences and know that quite often it's not going to lead to the circumstances I mentioned in the first paragraph.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/24/2014 9:32:41 AM

LadyConstanze

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One of the things why they mention it upfront is that a lot of guys will assume (yeah, looking for a girlfriend) and those are the ones that are dangerous, one word: STALKERS

Mentioning it upfront also means you can let them down easy with "I keep both words separate" and they don't feel it's aimed against them and freak out.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/24/2014 9:56:29 AM

FriendlyMuppet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

One of the things why they mention it upfront is that a lot of guys will assume (yeah, looking for a girlfriend) and those are the ones that are dangerous, one word: STALKERS

I'd make a great stalker, if I only had the time, and perhaps the commitment. Come to think of it, lack of both of those probably would make me a lousy slave. Wow, I can't win no matter what I do.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/24/2014 10:15:18 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FriendlyMuppet

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

One of the things why they mention it upfront is that a lot of guys will assume (yeah, looking for a girlfriend) and those are the ones that are dangerous, one word: STALKERS

I'd make a great stalker, if I only had the time, and perhaps the commitment. Come to think of it, lack of both of those probably would make me a lousy slave. Wow, I can't win no matter what I do.

Bless your heart, you frothy little ferret

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/24/2014 4:47:56 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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I have two guys that offered to pay me to Dominate them occasionally. Then, I have a completely and totally separate personal relationship/dynamic where money never changes hands. I don't talk about my personal life with my two "clients" and I don't talk about money with my personal submissive.

One of the two guys who pay started telling me "I love you Mistress" during our Domination sessions. The first time he did that I was hoping I heard him wrong. The next time he saw me he said it again and it really kind of shook me up a bit. Immediately after that session, I told him "Look, we really need to talk." I told him I will not mix business with my personal life and "We need to talk about this 'I love you' thing." I needed clarification on whether he was clear that ours was strictly a business thing and he said yes, he was clear on that. If there were any question in his mind, I would have stopped Dominating him as I don't want to be leading him on or even have him thinking I am.

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RE: I've been noticing... - 2/27/2014 1:34:03 PM

GoddessBlueKura

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Up in the General forum is a post by a guy who asked a question regarding sadists (as usual can link from my phone). He talks about his "relationship," but come to find out its a pro he is paying.

First, I've got no issues with the pro ladies. But I've noticed there tend to be quite a few guys who talk about their "relationships" with these women. Now I know many pros have relationships, but one can't be a client AND a partner. B a pro sesion is a business agreement and a relationship is not a business agreement. After all regardless of one's professional talents, you are being paid to do xyz. Nothing wrong with that, and I realize that many clients may give broad strokes as to what they want and let the pro do her job with those strokes (no pun intended) but the pro doesn't "own" these guys. Session done, each goes their separate ways until next time.

So is the idea that they are in an actual relationship part of their fantasy or are they just deluded in thinking there is more to the arrangment than there is? I'm assuming reputable pros aren't charging their "romantic" partners for the relationship.

Interesting question.

I work as a cam model and sure there are clients and then there are the friend w/benefits type. Now I can't speak for ProDommes but just because they are getting paid to do what they enjoy doesn't mean they enjoy it any less. Surely if they were deeply madly in love wouldn't the person do their best for their partner anyways?

If the ProDom is a sadist and loves doing sadistic things to her subs does that change because he's paying ? Actually sounds like she's getting the best of both worlds. Her kink+ cash+ gifts.

Let me switch this around. If a doctor practices medicine does he treat patients with less care because they aren't related to him? He may make different decisions on care based on what the patient and charts tell him but ultimately he/she will do what they can within reason of course.

Now there are some men that get emotionally attached when paying for services.

Even financial domination. Some subs are emotionally drawn in by play and feel a sense of longing , desire and love for their dominant. Sometimes the rush of attention can be intoxicating to the point where they experience delusions of grandeur. Actually this can happen on either side if one isn't too careful but mainly the sub may experience these highs and lows.

Then there's the other issue. Some men can build a relationship up in their minds to get away from the transactional element of it all. What happens here is that he attempt to push limits to prove to himself "it's not all about the money, she really likes me". That's his own mental problem and it will eventually bite him in the ass. This is no different than a woman agreeing to a BootyCall arrangement and then later tried to force more time, talks and maybe pushing up into the man's person day to day. Obviously she wants more and knows he doesn't but may end up trying to push anyways. When he finally figures it out he'll dump her like a hot rock probably after he finishes screwing her for the last time.

Strangely it seems from my view some men are highly emotionally connected to what they give out of their wallet. Women seem to be more emotionally connected to what they give of their body. Different strokes and no not everyone is this way.

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